Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!

The Encore

I was just reminded of something precious that happened after I had given birth to Brit.

I was laying in bed snuggled up with Brit in my arm and her birthfather was on the other side of us.  He and I were talking about how surreal it was that we were there.  Looking down at the only daughter either of us would ever have.  We talked about how we were closer to 40 than we were to 30.  And how neither of us would have ever guessed that we would be holding a brand new child of our own at this point in our lives.

Her birthfather looked down at our precious sleeping baby girl and said "You Brit, are our encore!"

I just laughed.  How right he was.  Brit was our encore.  And while she was a finale for her birthfather and me, she was a new beginning for her parents.

It makes me smile just thinking about it.

Brit sleeping while snuggled with her birthfather.  A beautiful encore indeed!

So much to think about and do

I am still dancing in air thinking about the visit next Sunday.  I want it to be here already.  But I keep thinking about how nervous Brit's mom must be.  Since she has the been the aprehensive one all along, I bet now that there is an actual date set it is probably even worse.

I hope that some day they will not feel obligated but instead excited to meet up with us.  And maybe I am assuming feelings that she may not be having.  Maybe she really is much better with all of this.  Just knowing how she acted prior to Brit's birth, I think she is probably worrying.

Today I am thinking about what we will buy little Brit for her first birthday, which we will celebrate during her visit.  Her brithday is the 25th.  Hard to believe it has been a year ago!

I have already bought her two books and a Veggie Tales movie.  C wants to get her a Leap Pad (or whatever it is called), but it says it's for ages 2-4.  Brit is very advanced, but I still think she may not have the coordination needed for a toy like that.

I want C and me to go shopping for her gift together.  At Christmas he and I each bought Brit gifts, but we did it separate from each other.  I would like for this to be different.

In addition to all the excitement with the Brit visit, I also have a few other really big things happening this week. 

1. I am supposed to get a court reccomendation about custody of my two little boys on Friday.  Their dad filed for primary custody of them so he wouldn't have to pay child support. (Which he has never paid in the two years we have been divorced. I never requested any until this past November when I realized I am paying 100% of the kids expenses and he has never helped.  And his response to that request was to file for custody.  That has been a huge financial drain on this single momma.  $3,500 already spent on legal fees.  I expect probably another $2,000 before we are done. Yuk.)
2. L has a two hour baseball practice Friday evening.
3. I move to a new townhouse on Saturday.  Finally a place of our own for the boys and me with a bedroom for everyone. I just hate moving.
4. L has a basketball tournament on Saturday. D has a Young Marines new recruit meeting right before L's first game. (Who knew a 9 year old boy would want to do that?  I didn't even know such an organization existed until we saw a booth about them at a local air show.)



Mom and L (the soon to be 12 year old!)

5. L's 12th birthday is Sunday - We are postponing a party with his friends until the 26th because of the move.  However, he still wants to go play video games at the arcade with his brothers that day.
6. I get to particiapte in the interview process for a new Children's Ministry Director after church on Sunday.

It hardly seems like there is enough time in a single weekend for all of it.  Then follow it up with the excitement of a visit with Brit the following week!

I will take things one at a time.

I am so glad I have something so great to look forward to!

Still waiting

I have neglected the blog for over a week. But I wanted to wait until I could announce when we were going to get to meet Brit.

However, that hasn't happened yet.  I asked my boyfriend (such a strange term for a man who is almost 39), if he had heard back from Brit's dad, but he hasn't.  He assured me this is OK, because Brit's dad is a basketball coach and he is super busy right now.

I asked the boyfriend (herein after referred to as BF), what he and the dad talked about on the phone.  I wish boys weren't so hard to get information from!!!  You have to drag every single word out of them.  Or at least the ones I know.

Anyhow, some of the things he told me that stuck in my head.  Most significant of them all was when he met the dad at Christmas time and gave him the presents that we had bought for Brit, the dad told him that several times he has wanted to tell Brit's mom that she needs to quit worrying about whether or not I want to take Brit back.  The dad told BF that he often wants to just say out loud, "they signed the papers, there is nothing they can do to take her back."

I guess in the back of my mind, I probably knew that this was a possible thought that she might be having during this time that she has not communicated with us, but that was the first time I had heard it out loud.  (Side note: WHY DIDN'T BF TELL ME THIS IN DECEMBER?!?!?)

We talked about several things, one that made me cry which I will share later.  But here is what I was most struck by.

BF (I guess that could even stand for birthfather - just thought of that!), is really excited about being able to see Brit.  He talked about what he would like to see our future look like with her.  How he hopes our relationship changes.  His dreams for transparency and intimate contact with her parents.

This is the same man who never even speaks of OUR future together.  As a matter of fact, today when I asked him point blank about what his plans are for "us" he walked over, kissed me and said, "let's find some night this week when we don't have kids and talk about it".

Does that scream fear of commitment?

I digressed. 

Anyway, he is so excited about the possibilities that opening up our adoption could offer.  The things he was saying are all things I feel but never say out loud to him because I know it makes him terribly uncomfortable when I get upset about Brit and how much I miss her.  So instead I just don't talk to him about it at all.  Yes, I know, not healthy.

So even if the visit doesn't happen as soon as I would like it to, at least I know there is someone else who wants it as badly as I do.

So like so many of the endings I give to my posts.  I will wait.

God is teaching me patience.  I don't want to LEARN patience, I want to be GRANTED patience.

Clueless

I woke up crying.  I am so very sad and my heart is hurting.  I know it is a culmination of many reasons.  Kind of a perfect storm on the emotional front.

Today Brit is 11 months old.  One month away from her first birthday. Hopefully I will get an update today from her parents.  The thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I wish that sending a monthly update was not chore for them.  I wish they felt comfortable enough to share things with me as they happen so that our relationship was more casual instead of like a requirement of the complex relationship. 

I wish my relationship with them was like it is with my sisters and their families.  I get a quick picture of my nephews when  they do something cute.  Or my sisters will mention in passing how their little guys are now walking with the furniture or getting a new tooth.  It is not obligation.  It is heartfelt sharing.  Maybe someday my relationship with Brit's parents will more resemble that.

But now here is what is really hurting my heart these days.  And only girls will understand this because it is a "my feelings are hurt" thought. 

I need to make a more permanent living arrangement for the boys and me.  We currently live with a very close friend and share expenses with her because she was laid off from her job and she needed a roommate to help her stay in her house.  She and I get along very well, and honestly I would have no problem staying there indefinitely.  But the boys want their own space where we don't share a kitchen or living room with someone else.  I understand that.

So I have been looking at potential places for us to move to.  And just this week I found a townhouse that seems to be absolutely perfect for us.  I think the boys will love it.  That is the good news.

But here is why this is upsetting to me.  My boyfriend C and I have been together almost two years now.  We have had a child together.  We have 4 boys who are all about the same age who get along marvelously.  And yet, the very few times that we have ever had a conversation about our future together, C said that he is scared of commitment and wants us to just keep dating like we have been.  He needs to take things slow because he was hurt by his divorce.  And I can understand that.  But as a girl, what I hear is that he wants me to be the indefinite girlfriend.  He gets the benefits that come with having a long-term girlfriend, without the commitment.   

When I told him that wasn't going to work for me long term, he said that he was going to try to start wrapping his mind around what it would be like to have our families blend a little more, because he does love me.  And then maybe he would think about us moving in after he finished the basement. 

I let him know that just living together is not going to work for me either.  I am not ever going to move the boys and me into a home where I am not married to the man we live with.  It is not a good example, and if I am going to live with a man, I want to know he is legally committed to me and my family.  He just listened and seemed to understand.  He had no response at all.

I have watched as several of my friends have gotten engaged in the past few months.  They are going to marry someone who they have been with a shorter amount of time than C and I have been.  And the girl in me is jealous.  And hurt.  It makes me feel like I am not a good enough "catch" that someone wouldn't want to commit to me.  Especially after all we have been through in the past 2 years.

My kids constantly ask when C and I are going to get married.  They want for all of us to be a family.  It is hard for me to explain to them when I want the same answers myself.  My friends ask why we don't live together. They all wonder what is wrong with C that he would not recognize that he really does have a good deal with me. 

So back to the townhouse situation.  I found the perfect place for us to live.  And I will sign a one-year lease next week.  I told C about it.  He was happy for me and the boys.  He told me that it will be great that we will have our own place.  We agreed that the boys will be happier there.

But neither of us states the obvious.  I am committing to another year of living alone.  And he is happy for that.  I can't help but wonder if he actually breathed a sigh of relief when I told him.  I had just bought him even more time.

I feel rejected and unloved. 

Now here is the icing on the cake... The other day C mentioned to me that he will be in Vegas next month for a trade show with work.  He thought I might like to fly out and join him for a couple of days of it.  So let's guess when those dates are?... Yep, it is over Brit's birthday.  The one year anniversary of the event that changed my entire life.  The most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  And he didn't even acknowledge it as a time of any significance.

Needless to say, I am not going to go.  I do not want to be in Vegas (it would be my first trip there ever) when all I am thinking about is the missing piece of my heart who is celebrating her first birthday.

I am going to stay home, in my new house, alone.  And I plan to cry.  Mourning the loss that has changed my entire life.  And I guess I will reflect about why I am sitting there alone.

Today I want someone to hold me.  To tell me that I am special and that we will get through this time together.

But instead I am writing a blog entry sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face.  Isn't amazing how we can feel so alone, even in a building full of people?

((sigh))

Date night

My life is not all grief and regret.  But reading my blog you would never guess it.  So for today, I am proud to post that tonight is date night.

And I can't wait.  I am so glad that I am still in love with this man. 

Date night on a weekday night is one of the only benefits of being divorced.  Occaisionally it works out that we have one night alone together without kids.  JOY!





A good day

I am amazed by how much peace I have felt about my adoption situation the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has changed at all.  But I think God is just granting me some peace about it right now.  I can think about little Brit without crying.  And I continue to pray for her parents and that their hearts might soften to the idea of allowing us to have a relationship with her.  But I don't cry or become consumed with feelings of hurt and disappointment like I have in the past.

I know it is no coincidence that while my heart is content with my adoption relationship, the rest of my personal life is spinning out of control.  My ex-husband has filed for primary custody of our two little boys because he has decided that he doesn't want to pay child support which I just requested.  He has not paid a penny to me for almost two years and I decided it was time that he helped out a little.  So in response to my request for financial assistance, he has filed for custody.

That means we are making two attorney's very wealthy.  So not only is it financially difficult to be a single parent, I am also hemorrhaging money as the attorney needs another $1,000 every time I turn around.

I know this process will work out fine for me in the end, but until then, it is very stressful.  And my kids definitely feel stuck in the middle. You would think two grown adults could work this out without having to see attorneys and judges.  But I guess not.

So today is my last full day in the office as tomorrow I have to appear before a judge so he can determine what our shared parenting schedule will be for the remainder of the month.  Then Friday I have to see another attorney who is supposed to see if she can get the ex and me to come to a civil agreement without further involving the court.

I am hopeful that this process is over soon and we can all move on.

But until then, we keep trudging through it.  And thankfully the kids and I are all resilient.

Some happy thoughts for the day:

• I love my hot tea.  Good Earth Sweet and Spicy blend.  Unbelievably good.
• My oldest son turns 18 on Sunday and C and I are going to spend some one-on-one time with him to celebrate
• I have free passes to see a screening of the movie The Green Hornet tonight.  I plan to take the two little boys and eat popcorn and drink Diet Coke, even though I am trying to avoid pop as much as possible.
• I have great, supportive co-workers.
• I have an awesome best friend who is there for me, no matter what.
• Zoloft is an inexpensive anti-depressant that seems to work really well for me when taken in large doses. (Yes, I am better when I take medicine.  It is not weakness, just something to help me through this valley.)
• I live with a friend who has been very kind and understanding with my financial situation.
• C and I are in a great place in our relationship. (Which I also think helps me with my adoption feelings.)
• I am healthy and employed.  Which is better than many of my friends.
• God has provided for me.  And even though I am stubborn and disobedient, He still gives me second chances and pours His grace out upon me.

So there you have it.  Things aren't really that bad.  And I have much to be thankful for.