Monday, November 22, 2010

And here we are

I would have thought things would be different by now.  I wish they were.  And yet I am thankful that they aren't as bad as it could be.

Dad emailed an update about Brit today.  I had sent him an email telling him of a book that I saw on Amazon that was about post adoption grief for adoptive parents.  From the only actual phone conversation I have had with Dad since Brit's adoption, I found out that they are dealing with the grief of knowing that Brit may be the only child they will ever have.  This has caused Mom to become very depressed.  She and Dad both have also gotten very protective of Brit and say they are trying to do things to bond with their daughter, which also means no visits for us.

I didn't realize when I decided on the adoption plan for Brit that my desire to see, touch and smell my daughter would be so over-powering.  I thought I could wait until she was older and just getting pictures and updates would be OK.  It is not OK now.

I long to KNOW her.  I want to hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh.  I want to physically touch her.  And I want her to know me.  I want to be someone in her life that she has always known.  I don't have to be her mommy, but I want to be someone who is allowed to love her all the same. (Although given the opportunity I would scoop her up and take her back in a heartbeat).

She is 8 months old and they still aren't ready.  Being a birthmom is not an envyable position.  You have no rights.  And get very little consideration.  Because the Mom isn't ready yet, the birthmom has to sit and wait.  And be satisfied and grateful for the pieces I do get.

And I am grateful.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my only daughter.  And her brothers want her with us.  My tears are overflowing today.

Yet, I know there are so many birthmothers out there that don't even have the relationship that I do have.  They don't get pictures and monthly updates.  They don't have parents who communicate with them.

So I will try to be thankful.  For the fact that Dad is considerate of me and my feelings.  Thankful that he sends beautiful emails that allow me to know what Brit is doing now.  Thankful that Brit is loved to the moon and back by a mommy and daddy who live in the same house and who are married to each other.  (Which is a whole other topic that also weighs on my mind these days - that is a later post.)

And I will be thankful for the boys I do have.  And for the fact that I can have children of my own and that I have been able to raise them and love them first hand.

Yep, today is another one of those days.  Bitter and sweet all the same.

The pictures Dad sent were adorable.  They love her so much.  I'm glad.  Maybe one of these days (soon), I will be able to see and hold her too.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Doing much better

My last post was really a downer.  But I was definitely at my wit's end.  The last two weeks with the boys have been tough.  D's eardrum ruptured on Tuesday night of last week.  Since then we have seen the pediatrician, an ENT and then had another ENT appt.  His ear continues to drain and it is now swelling.  Docotrs say his infection might not get better with the drops they have him on now. (We started with an oral antibiotic, but apparently it doesn't treat his kind of infection.)  They may have to go with an IV antibiotic if we don't kick it with the drops.  I hope this holiday weekend isn't rough for him.

Lan had a really tough week last week with his anxiety.  He didn't go to school on Friday because of an anxiety attack, so I took him to the doctor and they put him on an anti-depressant.  I emailed his counselor and she kindly responded with a phone call to let me know that the side effects of that drug in adolecent boys are depression and suicide.  So I decided to take him off the meds and wait for a psychiatrist appt.  I am still willing to try meds to help him over this hump, but I need a little more education before I do it.  In the mean time I met with his counselor, the school social worker, principal, and his dad for a "what can we do" meeting.  I think we have some strategies to help him with his school anxiety.  However, he still doesn't want to be separated from us and if he could, he would completely quit sports.  I hope we move through this phase quickly for him.  He is tormented.

It's been a week of personal reflection for me.  Been thinking about my relationship with C and why I don't feel like things are how I would like them to be.  I want to feel cherished by someone.  Like I am the special someone who he wants to be with any chance he gets.  And I just don't get that feeling from C.  I am sure he loves me.  But he doesn't ever say it except on the rare occaision I stay overnight at his house and we are settled in to fall asleep.  I don't ever hear words from him that let me know I am special to him.  And I feel like when it comes to how he spends his time, I am just an add on.  He doesn't ask when I have the boys.  If he finds out that I don't have them, he will just be very casual about saying, "well maybe we can do something" after he finishes whatever thing he has planned for that time.  I feel like I have to invite myself into his life.

I wonder why I continue to stay in this relationship when I want so much more than I think he is even capable of?  I have a couple of ideas. 

1.  I do love him.  For whatever reason.  When I am with him I love it.  But that is not often enough for me to fill my "love cup".  And he doesn't make an effort to make our time together his #1 priority.

2. He is my forever connection to Brit.  We will always be her birth parents and we will always be connected by that.  And because I wish I hadn't let go of her, maybe it keeps me from letting go of him.

If he were just a boyfriend, I think I would have let this relationship go some time ago.  But we have such a shared history now, that I feel like I am in a marriage that I just don't want to give up on.  Which is crazy because I have been in a real marriage before that I didn't feel that way about.  Kids or no kids, I knew I wanted out.  Even when my husband wanted to work on things, I knew I was done and I had no feelings that I wanted to rekindle.  It is different now.  I want things to be different with C and me.  I want things to work out.

So I have to figure out if we have the potential for something different, or if I am willing to live with what we have.  I promised myself I would never settle again.  I don't know if it is my head or my heart I should listen to.  I need to pray about this alot.

I had lunch today with my friend Bob.  We have decided that he is going to be my father figure.  He makes me laugh and I love how he calls me on the carpet about things.  I can speak completely candidly with him without any filter.  He understands me and likes me anyway.  Isn't that how friends are supposed to be?  I know that is exactlly how my relationship is with Linda.  She is the best friend in the entire world for me because even if we don't talk for any amount of time we can pick up just like we spoke this morning.  And no secret is too big to tell her.  She is the best.

Before I end for today, my D story for yesterday goes like this.

D calls at 4:30pm. And says the following:

#1 My bike is a piece of crap.
#2 We need to find a really big trash can.
#3 I am tired of walking so you will need to go get my backpack from David's house.
#4 When WILL you be home?

Knowing D like I do, here was my response:

Mom: First of all, Are you hurt? Because you obviously crashed your bike.
D: I'm fine.

Mom: What happened to your bike?
D: I told you it's a piece of crap and it fell apart.  So we just need to throw it away in a really big trash can.

Mom:  How did your bike fall apart?
D: I was at the park and jumping on a dirt ramp and it just fell apart.  (Sounds miraculous and suspicious, doesn't it?)

Mom: OK, I'll look at it when I get home, which will be around 5:00.
D: OK.  See you later.

So I get home and sure enough, his bike is seriously broken.  Chain and the entire mechanism is broken in half.  I guess it's best I don't know exactlly what happened becuase the child was covered in chain grease everythere.  Maybe he tried to fix it.  Maybe it happened when he landed.  Whatever the truth (which I will never know), the bike looks to be beyond repair.

You would think the ruptured ear drum would be the worst thing that happened to D this week.  It wasn't.  Losing the ability to ride the bike is far more devastating.

Priorities at 9 years old.

Until later.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Today is one of THOSE days

There is no reason that today shouldn't be a great day.  I have a little time to myself before I pick the boys up from spending a few hours with their dad.  I volunteered at church and the kids I taught were great.  But I just can't shake the blues today.  Some days are just days for crying, and today is one of them.  I should be thankful I have a busy afternoon planned with the boys because it keeps me functioning when I don't feel like it.

I got an update from Brit's parents last week.  I always try to email them on her "birthday" each month.  She turned 5 months old last week.  Dad sent the response back to me this time.  Said Brit just started trying solid food for the first time in the last couple of weeks.  Avacados.  I love avacados.  A great choice for a first food.  She looks so big in the pictures.  No hair still. Drool down her kissable chin.  And still baby fat rolls everywhere.  I couldn't help but want to snuggle her up.

I thought this blogging would help me process the tears.  It is just making it worse today.  Yep, today is one of THOSE days.  Just gonna have to live through it.