Tuesday, July 30, 2013

My new man

For those who have asked, the new man in my life is actually an old friend.  He and I dated very briefly before I started dating BF, and after BF and I established a relationship, my man and I just became really great friends.

He has been there for me during the pregnancy, the adoption plan and the subsequent placement.  Then he has listened to me cry for years and he has remained my friend despite my high maintenance periods where I was a sobbing mess for weeks at a time.

He is so good to me.  I cannot describe what it is like to have someone who is so responsive to my needs.  We talk about EVERYTHING.  He showers me with attention and affection and quite honestly it has taken some getting used to.  It doesn't seem real, but as time goes on, I realize this is what I had wanted all these years and it really is good.

So to put a face to the new character in my story, here is a photo we took last week at a concert.

Look at how he holds me.  I love it. :)

Monday, July 29, 2013

The pictures on the wall

After BF and I ended our romantic relationship a few months ago, I had to revisit his house several times to pick up things I had left behind.

The last trip I made to his house was very difficult for me.  He has redone his house to remove the evidence of us ever living there.

To make his house more homey, he has added lots of pictures on the walls. (Which he never did while we were there living there.  There were no photos of the boys and I on any of his walls. Even after 4 years of relationship.)

I almost couldn't make it through the house.  Every picture frame has pictures of his boys and Brit, as if they are all one big happy family.

First, I want to say how glad I am that he has done that.  In the beginning he wouldn't even put Brit's picture out in our living areas.  At my house, I had photos of all of my kids adorning the walls, including Brit.  She had her spot right next to each of the boys, as an equal in the kinship of our family.  At his house, she was only evident in BF's bedroom until I finally got him to put a photo of her on the end table in the living room when I moved in.

Now, her precious countenance adorns the walls in BF's living room, hallway and probably rooms I have not visited since I left.

I am glad he now embraces the idea that this is his daughter too.

But imagine the bittersweet that is for me.  If he would have embraced that relationship to this little girl 4 years ago, we would be parenting her.

It has been very hard for me not to dwell on that.

Actually, I have to stop myself for letting my thoughts go down that path.  I remind myself that I could have spoken up louder and insisted we raise her, despite what we thought were setbacks that she didn't deserve.

These are the things I wish someone would have told me.  Why doesn't the adoption world share more about grief, loss, regret, and a lifetime of being changed?

The pictures on the wall serve as a reminder.  No matter how many smiles are in the photos, the haunting loss still holds the photo to the wall.

Can you see my heart smiling?

Dear Brit

I haven’t been able to bring myself to writing to you for such a long time.  I have been so sad, hurt and crushed.  Followed by healing and pressing forward with a new beginning.

During all of those phases, you were never more than a moment’s thought away.  Often you were the forefront of my thoughts.

You see BF and I are no longer a couple.  I so desperately wanted to hang onto him because he is my real life connection to you.  But that is not enough.  We don’t actually have you.  And now, I don’t have him either.

But there are lots of times I think of you now.  You would be amazed the space you keep in my heart and in my mind.

When I see my hair curl, I think of you.

When I wear the shirt I wore in the hospital after you were born, I think of you.

When I see a blonde headed toddler with amazing curls running around at your brother’s baseball game, I think of you.

When I drive by the farmer’s market where I once accidentally ran into you and your grandparents, I think of you.

When I lay in bed at night, I think of you.

When someone asks me how many children I have, I think of you.

When any holiday comes, I think of you and wish you were with us.

When I see the boys play with the Little Princess that we watch, I think of you.

When I see toys in the store that I know you like, I think of you.

When I shop online, I choose things for you. (Things I don’t actually purchase, but I wish I could.)

Even when I am sleeping, I think of you.

Dear Brit, know that every single day of my life I will think about you, love you from a distance and my heart will continue to long for a relationship with you that we have been denied up to this point.

Just this weekend the new man in my life said to me that he had never told me this before, but he sure wished that you were his daughter because he would have never let you go.  He has been a long time friend of mine who I dated briefly before I met BF.   After we stopped seeing each other, we became close friends.

I remember how he questioned me several times when I was pregnant with you and asked if I thought I could really do this, and I assured him it would all be ok.  I just didn’t know.  I had no idea what I was doing to you.  I had no idea how it would impact every single one of us for the rest of our lives.  I was just so ignorant.  And deceived by a society that insists that adoption is nothing but love and happy endings for children.

I will always be so sorry for the choice I made.

Brit, I love you to the moon and back.  And someday I hope you know that first hand.

But until then, I will just let the tears flow and know that each tear I shed only represents a minute drop of the pain I feel inside for letting you go.

I love you so very much.  And some day dear Brit, you will know it.