Give me a chance.

Lisa loving on Princess

You might recall that I keep a baby every weekend.  I refer to her as Princess here in the blog land.  She is the daughter of a friend of mine who originally planned adoption for her child, but decided to parent instead.  I have felt a strong sense of commitment to this little girl because I know how much support her momma needs to be able to make this all work out.  I am glad that by my little bit of weekend childcare, I am able to help her parent. 

Selfishly, I am glad that my support has helped her not have to deal with the birthmother grief that I have.

So all around, our relationship is very symbiotic.  Princess needs care, I have love and care to give.

Most of the time I don't find myself comparing or associating Princess with Brit.  At least not consciously.  They look nothing alike and I am so busy when I am caring for her, I don't have much time to reflect.

But this weekend was a bit different for me.  Princess is developing a personality.  She is 9 months old and changing so quickly.  She scoots across the floor, crawling sometimes, just scooting most of the time.  She pulls herself up and is so proud to be standing.

I found myself thinking about how Brit was walking at 9 months (just like I did as a child).  I wondered what Brit's personality was like at 9 months.  Did she like the same silly things that Princess does?  What did her laugh sound like?  What does it sound like when she says mama?

I missed it all.  I gave it away.  I will never know.

(Yes, hateful anonymous commenter, I know that was the default I chose when I chose adoption. No need to point it out.  I'll save you the time it takes to comment by acknowledging it right off the bat.)

So back to time with Princess.  While I have her, I take tons of pictures.  I send them to her mom's phone while she is at work so she can see her precious little girl during her breaks.  I also take videos of her doing random things (first time on the sit 'n' spin, finding a milk jug and playing with it like a toy, laughing at the boys, etc.).  I want her momma to know that she is happy.  I also want to share these moments with her momma because she is her daughter.  She should get to enjoy those moments even if she can't be there.  I want to make sure it is just like she was there with us.

Being a birth mom, I am pretty sure I am hyper sensitive in this area.  But looking back, I have been this way with my nephews too.  I have always loved taking cute pictures or retelling cute stories to their parents of the little things that they did while mom and dad were gone.

Reflecting on my actions with Princess, I definitely think I am emulating the behavior I wish I was receiving.  The joyful sharing of a child. 

I make sure I take picture of Princess wearing the new outfit her grandma in California bought her, so her mom can forward them.  I try to be thoughtful about what things her mom might like to see or share with the rest of their family.  I want to be a blessing to them by being there and loving a child that they wish they could care for, but circumstances have kept them from being physically present.

I am thankful that I get pictures of Brit once a month.  Pictures that I spend countless hours inspecting, looking for every detail I can possibly see.  I wonder what that bit of food was on her cheek.  Or what it looks like to see her run in the backyard like they say she does.

Secretly I wish they would occasionally send a picture of her playing with the toys we sent, or the gifts we put much thought and consideration into as we chose them for her.  Because we don't get time with her, the only way we can show our love to her is by sending gifts that we hope will bring her joy.  I also think that if they sent pictures like that, it would make me feel like what we try to do for her matters.  That they recognize it and appreciate it.  It might make me feel like we matter.

Every day I obsess about seeing her again.  I want to physically hold her.  Hear her voice.  See her play.  Even listen to her whine.

I try to fight off the icky thoughts.  The ones that come into my head and cause me to focus on what I don't have, versus what I do have.

I think about how I am a perfectly trustworthy person who not only cares for my own children, but someone who cares for someone else's child.  I am seemingly normal, well-adjusted and the only addiction I have is to Diet Coke. 

Yet, I am not worthy of a relationship with the child I carried for 9 months. The child whose future I wanted to include two married parents.  The child I chose parents for so she could have more than I thought I had to offer. (oh, to go back and talk to that Lisa...)

Now, I am kept at a respectable distance.  Sure, I get pictures and an email update.  But there are no phone calls, no continuation of the relationship that we had prior to birth.

I know that I could handle boundaries.  When Princess's mom comes to pick her up on Sunday nights, I hand her over with no hesitation.  I don't have any 'crazy' in me that wants to keep her.  I respect my role in Princess's life.  I love her while she is with me, but she has a momma to whom she needs to be with.

I read today on another blog that adoptive parents in open adoptions are reminded by couselors that there may be times when  birthmother will need to pull back and can't have a close realtionship with their child.  And I see blogs where adoptive mothers are so sad that birthmoms have distanced themselves.

And then there's me.

Waiting.  Wishing.  Hoping.  Crying.  Praying.  Crying.  Longing.  Crying.  And still holding on to hope. 

Silently screaming "Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be a loving part of this child's life without being a threat."

I want a chance.  I want a relationship.  I don't just want to be the recipient of a scrapbook.

So sad

I just cannot get past the tears this morning.  I woke up with a piece of my heart missing.  I desperately want to see Brit.  Where does this grief come from?  Why does it sneak up when I don't expect it?  I wasn't ready for this today.

I guess I will just sit at my desk and cry all day.  I hate this.

What ever made me think I was strong enough to do this.

Clueless

I woke up crying.  I am so very sad and my heart is hurting.  I know it is a culmination of many reasons.  Kind of a perfect storm on the emotional front.

Today Brit is 11 months old.  One month away from her first birthday. Hopefully I will get an update today from her parents.  The thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I wish that sending a monthly update was not chore for them.  I wish they felt comfortable enough to share things with me as they happen so that our relationship was more casual instead of like a requirement of the complex relationship. 

I wish my relationship with them was like it is with my sisters and their families.  I get a quick picture of my nephews when  they do something cute.  Or my sisters will mention in passing how their little guys are now walking with the furniture or getting a new tooth.  It is not obligation.  It is heartfelt sharing.  Maybe someday my relationship with Brit's parents will more resemble that.

But now here is what is really hurting my heart these days.  And only girls will understand this because it is a "my feelings are hurt" thought. 

I need to make a more permanent living arrangement for the boys and me.  We currently live with a very close friend and share expenses with her because she was laid off from her job and she needed a roommate to help her stay in her house.  She and I get along very well, and honestly I would have no problem staying there indefinitely.  But the boys want their own space where we don't share a kitchen or living room with someone else.  I understand that.

So I have been looking at potential places for us to move to.  And just this week I found a townhouse that seems to be absolutely perfect for us.  I think the boys will love it.  That is the good news.

But here is why this is upsetting to me.  My boyfriend C and I have been together almost two years now.  We have had a child together.  We have 4 boys who are all about the same age who get along marvelously.  And yet, the very few times that we have ever had a conversation about our future together, C said that he is scared of commitment and wants us to just keep dating like we have been.  He needs to take things slow because he was hurt by his divorce.  And I can understand that.  But as a girl, what I hear is that he wants me to be the indefinite girlfriend.  He gets the benefits that come with having a long-term girlfriend, without the commitment.   

When I told him that wasn't going to work for me long term, he said that he was going to try to start wrapping his mind around what it would be like to have our families blend a little more, because he does love me.  And then maybe he would think about us moving in after he finished the basement. 

I let him know that just living together is not going to work for me either.  I am not ever going to move the boys and me into a home where I am not married to the man we live with.  It is not a good example, and if I am going to live with a man, I want to know he is legally committed to me and my family.  He just listened and seemed to understand.  He had no response at all.

I have watched as several of my friends have gotten engaged in the past few months.  They are going to marry someone who they have been with a shorter amount of time than C and I have been.  And the girl in me is jealous.  And hurt.  It makes me feel like I am not a good enough "catch" that someone wouldn't want to commit to me.  Especially after all we have been through in the past 2 years.

My kids constantly ask when C and I are going to get married.  They want for all of us to be a family.  It is hard for me to explain to them when I want the same answers myself.  My friends ask why we don't live together. They all wonder what is wrong with C that he would not recognize that he really does have a good deal with me. 

So back to the townhouse situation.  I found the perfect place for us to live.  And I will sign a one-year lease next week.  I told C about it.  He was happy for me and the boys.  He told me that it will be great that we will have our own place.  We agreed that the boys will be happier there.

But neither of us states the obvious.  I am committing to another year of living alone.  And he is happy for that.  I can't help but wonder if he actually breathed a sigh of relief when I told him.  I had just bought him even more time.

I feel rejected and unloved. 

Now here is the icing on the cake... The other day C mentioned to me that he will be in Vegas next month for a trade show with work.  He thought I might like to fly out and join him for a couple of days of it.  So let's guess when those dates are?... Yep, it is over Brit's birthday.  The one year anniversary of the event that changed my entire life.  The most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  And he didn't even acknowledge it as a time of any significance.

Needless to say, I am not going to go.  I do not want to be in Vegas (it would be my first trip there ever) when all I am thinking about is the missing piece of my heart who is celebrating her first birthday.

I am going to stay home, in my new house, alone.  And I plan to cry.  Mourning the loss that has changed my entire life.  And I guess I will reflect about why I am sitting there alone.

Today I want someone to hold me.  To tell me that I am special and that we will get through this time together.

But instead I am writing a blog entry sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face.  Isn't amazing how we can feel so alone, even in a building full of people?

((sigh))