Adoption does not have to equal tragedy

I read a post of an adoptive parent this weekend and it got me worked up.  Nothing that she said, but the reason she was posting.

She was upset by reading other blogs and sites where adoption is referred to as a tragedy and those posting make reference to how adoption should always be a last resort only chosen in times of abuse and neglect.

I would like to voice my opinion about this subject.  As you know, I am a birthmother.  I do not speak for all birthparents.  I especially do not speak for birthparents of generations past where unwed mothers were pressured into decisions they didn't want to make.

I speak from only my perspective based upon my experiences.  So here it goes.  How and why I came to the adoption decision - much abbreviated.

I was the one who made a choice that led to an unplanned pregnancy.  It is no more the birthfather's fault than it is my own.  Above all else, I did not get pregnant to provide a child or a 'gift' for someone else.

No one told me I had to choose adoption.  On the contrary, most of those closest to me told me they would do whatever it took to help me raise a child on my own.  Birthfather/boyfriend and I were not guided toward adoption in any way at all.  We had to seek the option.

I am educated, currently parenting 3 boys as a single mother. I have a career.  I do not live in poverty.  I am not without the resources needed to raise a child.

I was not afraid of the stigma of being a single mother.  Those days are over.  Even for someone like me who lives in the public eye in a smaller community.  Regardless of the support or lack of support I would have had from the BF, I knew there were resources of all kinds to support me if I chose to parent.

Adoption was not my last resort.  Abortion was never an option.  I was choosing single parenting vs. choosing a married couple as parents for my child.

My decision was based upon what I would choose for my child, knowing that a married biological mom and dad was not in the immediate future.

I considered the life that this child would have with me vs. what life would be like with a different family.  The kind of family I wished I had.  Not because I think society pressured me to be married, but because my child DESERVED that advantage from birth.  All of my other children had that.  At least at the beginning of their lives they had a married mom and dad caring for them under the same roof.  Single parenting didn't come until later.

I am a good single mom.  Being single does not make you a poor parent.  It just makes you a tired parent.  I was a tired parent when I was married too.

I did not choose adoption because I didn't think I could be a good mom to this child.  I would have loved her (and I still do) just as much as I love my other children.  But I had to decide if the circumstances which I would bring this child into was fair to all of us.  The unborn child, the children I currently parent, the birthfather and me.

Single parenting would have been the easiest decision.  It was the default decision.  I had to actively pursue adoption.

I thought I understood what adoption would be like.  I was wrong.  I also thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I was wrong there too.  That doesn't make adoption the wrong choice any more that it makes marriage the wrong choice.

I chose a road that few choose.  Not because I am better than those who choose single parenting.  I know how hard single parent's have it.  Been there, doing that.

I chose adoption because I wanted more for this child.  Not more material items; she lives with a stay at home mom and a school teacher father.  I would guess that her birthfather and I make more individually than they make as a couple. 

Financial condition of her parents was not our number one priority.  Her birthfather and I were both young and living paycheck to paycheck when we had our first children.  That doesn't determine if you will be a good parent.  Economics was not the reason for this adoption plan.

I did not want my child to be caught between two households of a mom and a dad who lived apart.  (Yes, this is ironic to me now as I long for a more open adoption relationship.)  I had no gaurantees that her father and I would still be together 5 years after her birth.  Statistically the odds are/were not in our favor.  At least with married parents she would have a 50/50 chance.

Above all else, never once did I feel like I was a victim to the 'adoption mill'.  I was in control of the entire process.  I realize I might be an exception in this area.  But it is important to note, that not every adoption has tragedy associated with it.

Do I wish I would have made a different choice?  Maybe.

Did I make the wrong choice? No.

I did what I thought was best for my child at the time I had to make a decision.  Things have changed since that adoption decision.  Life does not come with a manual or a crystal ball.  We do the best we can with the circumstances we are presented.

There was no perfect solution to the situation I was in.  Neither choice was right or wrong.  Brit would have had a good life either way.  Both choices would have involved loss for Brit.  Not growing up with a married mom and dad, or not growing up in her birthfamily.  I had to choose which I thought was better for Brit.

I do second guess my decision.  Of course I do. But that still doesn't mean I made the wrong decision.  Human nature is to wonder how things would have been different.

Now I am here.  This is what we have.

So I will work toward creating the best outcome for the child who had no say in her circumstances.  She did not choose to be born to an unwed mother.  She did not choose to be adopted.

But like me, she will always have to live with that.  So it is up to her parents, BF and me to make the best of what the reality is for her.

I know this is tough.

But this is not tragedy.  Brit has a happy life with parents who love her.  She also has birthparents who love her very much.  That is not tragedy.  Her parents did not steal her from me.  I handed her over to them willingly, trusting that they would be the parents to her that I could not be.

Sure, Brit will have to deal with her feelings about why she was adopted.  I do not want to marginalize this burden that she will have to carry.  However, how many of us have had to bear a burden of somthing that we have no control over in our own, biological families?  Substance abuse, neglect, mental health issues, even issues as seemingly simple as parents who are just very different from us (even if we have the same gene pool!)?

I am very hopeful that Brit will grow up with a loving understanding of her story.  I am also hopeful that she will never have a feeling of abandonment because we will not go away.

I am also very hopeful that her parents will love her so much that they will be willing to allow her to have whatever kind of relationship with she wants with her birthfather and me when she is old enough to ask. 

As a parent of my own children, I have a great respect for parents and their place in a child's life, and I will never knowingly overstep my boundaries in Brit's life.  I have no delusions of her "coming back" to me as if I was her mother all along.  She has a mother, the only mother she has ever known.  That will never change.

I am her birthmother.  I love her and will always make sure she knows that.  I will be available to her in any way that I can be.

Open adoption is hard work.  But a healthy open adoption for the sake of a child is possible.

I love Brit and I believe I have a role and obligations to her.  And together with her parents, her birthfather and me, we will make this adoption relationship anything but a tragedy.

Do the boys ever wonder why I "kept" them and not their sister?

A comment was left on my last post asking (I hope I paraphrase correctly) if my children who I currently parent question why they are still living in a less than ideal family situation that caused me to choose adoption for their sister.  She wondered if they perceive that they have to live in circumstances that their sister was “spared from”.  I love that she asked that question.

Before I answer that directly, here is the background.

When all of my children were born (with the exception of Brit), I was married to their father.  Our family was intact and our home life was stable.  It was only after they were older that I was divorced, living as a single parent.

Brit was being born into a world where her parents were not married, her mother had just moved 3 times in one year, and I didn't feel like I had enough of me to share with a baby who deserves so much more.

Her birthfather and I are close to 40, and we were trying really hard to juggle being a single parent to the combined 5 boys we already had.

Brit was entering into a situation where she would be at a disadvantage from birth.  Not that we couldn't do it.  Financially we are very stable with a great family support network.  We just weren’t prepared for a baby at this juncture in our lives.

We kept coming back to the idea that when we had out other children we were looking forward to bringing home a baby and all of the responsibility that entailed.  We wanted Brit to have the same great start that her brothers had.  We wanted her to have parents who were anxiously awaiting her arrival. (And I will assure you, her parents were so cute those last few weeks – they were certainly anxious!)

Once we met with her parents (and the other couple we also interviewed), her birthfather and I realized that while we were trying to figure out how we could make it work for us to parent a child without being married, there was a family who was waiting, praying and longing for the chance to make their family complete with a perfect baby. (Yes, we believe she is perfect!)

It almost seemed selfish of us to keep her after we realized how much her parents had to offer and how we were nowhere near ready for the undertaking of another child.

With that said, I still think she would have had a perfectly good life with us. We would have (and still do) loved her and she would have been given all kinds of attention from us and her brothers.  

But I do wonder if me keeping and parenting Brit would have caused so much stress on my relationship with her birthfather that it would have driven us apart?  Let’s just say that our relationship was as new as my pregnancy – if you can catch the inference.  We had not even really gotten to know each other well.  We were definitely not in a position to make decisions about blending our families and committing to forever together.  We had been dating 10 weeks when I found out that I was about 8 weeks pregnant.  (I know how bad that sounds – the good news is we are still together over a year and a half later and I have fallen more in love with him as time has gone on!)

With that in mind, had her birthfather and I tried to quickly pull things together without a strong foundation of a relationship I am afraid Brit would have been destined to the same situation as her brothers.  And I don't wish that on any child.

Yes, we could have done it.  Looking back now, do I think we should have made a different decision?  A case could be made for both choices.  I don't believe there is any one single right answer.  No one really knows what the outcome would have been if we would have chosen to parent.  There is no magic crystal ball to show the future, and definitely no way to know how things might have been different.

As for how her brothers feel about Brit living with a different family, they are sad that they don’t get to see her.  They, like me, assumed they would have a limited relationship with her.  But I don’t think they ever think that I loved Brit more than I love them because I chose a different family for her.  They understand completely how complicated our life is right now.  But it is our complicated life and while it is not ideal, it is certainly not bad. 

My boys do not go without. While being children with divorced parents is not ideal, it is generally stable.  So I don’t think they feel slighted.  It is not as if Brit went to live with a filthy rich couple on the coast.  She lives with a stay at home mom and a dad who is a teacher.  They live in a house like ours, 10 minutes from where we live.  I believe the boys feel like she has the same kind of life, just different parents. 

And for any adoptive couple out there wondering – that is exactly why we chose the parents we did.  We wanted Brit to have the same kind of upbringing that our boys are experiencing.  We hope that they have commonality when they are older.  That is why we chose this couple instead of the other wonderful couple we interviewed (is that the right term?  seems harsh.) They live on a huge ranch out in the country.  While we absolutely loved them as a couple, and we knew our child would be well cared for and loved, they have a completely different lifestyle than what we live.

So I think Brit living with a different set of parents has been similar to how their half brothers live with their other families too.  Obviously the difference is they have a relationship with them because we still get to have them in our lives.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) my boys know what it is like to share a sibling with a different set of parents. 

And to be quite honest, I was very concerned how they would handle the adoption.  But because there was no secret to it even from the beginning, they seemed to just deal with it, as strange as it is. 

They met her parents.  They like them.  They know she is happy, healthy and well cared for.  They see pictures and get updates about her.  We keep her picture on our mantle right next to theirs.  She is a topic of conversation. We laugh at the stories about her funny actions, just like we would a story about a cousin who might not live near us.  Because we only focus on the joy, they seem to see her adoption as a good thing.  They know that it has allowed me more time with them. 

But they do ask when they will get to see her.  They are hopeful that it will be soon.  And when they ask, I just tell them that someday we will.  And that seems to satisfy them for now.  It does make me sad when they say, “Is Brit’s mom ready for us to meet her yet?”  I have explained to them that new parents, especially parents who have adopted a child, like to have time to feel like they are a family.  They seem to accept that as a good reason why they haven’t met her yet.  And honestly it rarely comes up.

So, I hope that her birthfather and I stay together forever and she will have the benefit of knowing us as a couple.  And I have no reason to believe that her parents would ever be divorced. But if they ever do divorce, it would not change whether or not I would have chosen them to be her parents.  We all have to live assuming the best.  Nothing is ever certain.  We make decisions based on the knowledge we have at the time, since no one can predict what the future holds.

So as sad and conflicted as I am, it is not because I chose adoption for my daughter.  It is because I haven't been able to have the openness in my adoption that I thought I would be able to enjoy.

But there is still time for that.  And I will continue to pray for all of our hearts to mend and for our relationship to grow.  And I am thankful that my children have the peace and understanding that they do for the sister they do not get to see yet.

Yes, that is a pained smile on J's face.  Sometimes it is hard to smile when your little brothers are driving you crazy.

Mothers love fiercely. And the grief truck hits hard.

I've had an interesting ride on the adoption roller coaster this week.  In retrospect, it has been a good ride even if not a single thing has actually changed.  As usual, I have just been forced to grow in understanding and compassion.

So, early this week I posted on a Kansas Adoption Group page and asked advice about what I might be able to do to help Brit's mom feel more comfortable opening up our adoption to the level that it used to be before baby girl was born.  Visits, phone calls, and above all else, sharing a friendship.  The online group consists of adoptive parents from Kansas and as far as I know, I am the only birthmother.

So the responses came from many different parents.  It even crossed state lines because the site moderator asked advice from other families from across the country who also have open adoptions.

Most people who responded were gracious and encouraging to me.  They wished me well and for the most part, many thought time might be the only way for this situation to remedy itself. Several gave me resources to support me until things change.  Thank you to all who did give me advice and encouragement.

But one person had a different perspective from everyone else.  Her advice to me was to stop public blogging and tell the parents that they don't need to send monthly email updates anymore until they feel like they want to.  She told me to set them free and protect their parenting privacy.

And I will admit to being taken aback by her comments.  Now, they were presented very kindly, so please don't think ill of her.  She was being honest and speaking from an adoptive mother's perspective.  Above all else, I respect honesty even when it is uncomfortable.  So instead of being angry, it made me reflective.

She mentioned that it could be very upsetting to Brit's mom if she ever read my blog.  I do not disagree with this.  She thought it might make mom feel like she was made out to be the "bad guy" in this relationship.  I hope this is never the case. 

I love Brit's mom.  She is to Brit what I wish I could be.  She snuggles precious Brit, consoles her when she cries, cares for her every need, and without a doubt, loves her dearly.  I know she loves Brit and she is a wonderful mother.  I also love who she is as a person.  I got to know her while I was pregnant and we became good friends.  I almost felt like I had gained another sister.

But I am sure that Brit's mom is depressed. I am depressed.  She grieves that she could not give birth to Brit. I grieve that I chose not to parent a daughter I gave birth to.  We both feel like we have lost something.

Isn't it ironic that the one thing that should bring us the greatest joy is also the one thing that has caused us the greatest pain?  I found parents for my daughter who will be able to give her all that I wanted for her.  They got the child they longed and prayed for.  And yet all four of us in this adoption situation have a broken heart.  We embody the bitter sweet of adoption.  Thankfully, our dear Brit only gets the sweet.  The love we all four have for her overflows.

So if mom reads my blog and it upsets her, I only hope it is because she hurts for me and my pain the same way my heart hurts for her and the grief she also lives with.  She cannot change her grief and/or depression any more than I can change mine.  Grief is what it is.  I own mine and she owns hers.

But the way that each of us is processing this grief puts us at completely opposing places.  If I had to guess about her feelings (since I don't know first hand), it seems she wants to draw in and protect the only thing she does posses, and that is her daughter.  And at the opposite side of the spectrum, I desperately want to share in the life of the one thing I also don't have, the daughter I gave birth to.

Neither one of us is wrong to feel the way that we do.  We are reacting out of love.  A deep, primitive love that mothers are born with.  It is the love that makes us good mothers to our children.

When I was pregnant with Brit, I had no idea how hard adoption would be.  And I am certain that Brit's mom had no idea that adoption would be anything but full of joy.  One of the things we both share right now is that we were unexpectedly hit by the grief truck.  And from the sounds of it, we both got hit hard.

I have no reason to believe that Brit's mom will ever see this blog.  And since all of the names have been changed (including Brit's) and no photos of them ever appear here, I think I am protecting their family privacy. 

This blog is about me as the birthmother.  The pictures are of a child that I gave birth to.  A child who will look like me as she gets older.  While I will never be her mother, I will always be her birthmother. 

Brit's story is still intertwined with mine.  Even if our adoption was closed.  We have a connection that legal paperwork cannot eliminate. 

I treasure every email and picture they share with me.  I cannot even imagine what it would be like not to have a monthly email to look forward to.  So until they tell me it is too painful, I will anticipate and covet every correspondence I do get from her parents.

I will never pretend like Brit does not exist.  I love her as much as if she were living with me.  A mother's love is fierce and absence does not make it fade.

So I will continue to blog.  And if you read this blog and cannot feel my love for Brit's mother, then let me say it clearly.  Just because mom isn't ready for me to have a relationship with Brit, does not mean I do not love her. 

I wish things were different.  And I am hurt.  I wanted things to be different.  But I understand.  We are women and with that comes complicated emotions.  We never know how we will react until the situation presents itself.  We think we know what we can handle.  But sometimes you just get hit by the grief truck.  And from the distance it looked like the answer to your prayers...

A letter to me (what a birthmother should know)

Knowing what I know now, here are things I would have said to myself before I finalized the adoption of my daughter.

Lisa,

I know things are very hard for you right now.  Being pregnant with all of the emotions and physical toll it takes on a body is tough.  As if being a single parent isn't hard enough, being exhausted just makes everything seem so much harder.  Add the stress of a newly finalized divorce, a new relationship with a man who is still wounded from his own divorce, working full time, an ex husband who seemingly gets pleasure from making your life miserable, trying to keep yourself afloat financially, then top it off by being a middle aged woman facing an unplanned pregnancy in the community's lime light.  Any one of these would be tough, but all added together it seems insurmountable.

But remember to take one thing at a time.  Just because the father of this baby is not ready to commit to you doesn't mean that you can't do this.  And a baby right now is not ideal.  It would be complicating and difficult.  Everyone would have to sacrifice.  Financially it would be draining. Physically exhausting.  Emotionally trying.  You know all too well how much commitment raising a child entails.

But consider this.  The situation you are in now is temporary.  Sure it seems overwhelming, but each of those circumstances that keep you up at night are remedied with time.  And while it would be very hard, you really could get all the help you need from your family.  The boys are more responsible than you think.  And even if they don't say it, they would really like to have a little sister.  And they would help out.

If the stress of having a newborn causes a rift between you and C, then it wasn't meant to be.  Sure, neither of you planned on being at this point in your lives, but neither of you thought you would be divorced either.  Life is funny like that.  Sometimes blessings come in disguised packages.

And you are right, Brit deserves more than you can offer right now.  All of your kids deserve more.  Every child should grow up living with both of their parents married and parenting in the same house.  But the truth is that is the exception, not the norm anymore.  As sad as that is, it is reality.

But you are the kind of person who considers others.  Which is a great personality trait.  And a curse at the same time.  And your desire for something better for Brit is important.  You know that God intended for a father and mother to raise children together.  And whether that will be the case for Brit, only God will know.

So since you want more for her, and you think adoption is the best option for her and the children you are trying to raise on your own, then let me share some thoughts with you that you will not believe, but are reality.

As OK as you think you are with adoption, it will not be as easy as you think. I know you are a tough cookie.  And that you disguise your emotions very well.  But the truth be told, your heart is tender.  And you love easily.  And after that little girl is born, you will love her more than you can imagine.  Especially since you will have to love her from a distance.

You don't rely on your family enough.  They want to help you.  You do not have to do this alone.  You don't have to do ANYTHING alone.  Your sisters will help you.  They want to. Just ask them.  It doesn't come naturally to you, but try it.  You always help others, let someone help you.

While you think that you are going to be able to watch from a distance, it will be harder than you know.  It's not that you will want to take over and be the parent, but you will want to be involved.  Make sure that you choose a family who will include you and your boys.

Infertility is as life altering as an unplanned pregnancy.  Every girl thinks she knows how her future family will be formed.  She will fall in love, get married, get pregnant and have a little person who looks like her or her husband.  Some dream of big families and some dream of a boy and a girl.  But very rarely does a little girl dream about adopting a child/children to create a family.  That takes a maturity that few possess.  So infertile couples deal with the grief of not having children of their own, and they also struggle with the financial burden of adoption. Much the same way you are considering the impact a baby would change things for your right now.

Adoption is not for the weak at heart.  Adoption is best done by those who love Christ and believe that we are all children of God, adopted into His family by His grace.  Adoption doesn't work well with those who are possessive and want a child to be their own.  It is also hard for those who are not of "strong stock" as your friend Susie says.  You are of strong stock.  You are resilient.  Find another mother like you.  Someone who is willing to do what it takes even when it is hard.  Because adoption is hard.  For birthparents and adoptive parents.  Sharing doesn't come naturally to our human nature.  And being possessive is a natural instinct for parents.  Maturity and faith are what make adoption the beautiful thing it can be.  But without both, it will be a struggle.

Choose a family who believes children cannot be loved by too many people.  Children want to know where they come from and you need to find a family who will honor that natural desire.  And instead of waiting for the child to ask, they will create an environment where the child knows she is loved by lots of people.  Her parents, grandparents, friends and birthfamily. 

Be deliberate and don't just wait to see what happens.  Talk about things that may seem uncomfortable at the time.  Don't think things will just work themselves out over time.  Adoption is beautiful but also uncomfortable.  No one wants to share their child with someone else.  So sometimes the adults in the relationship will have to do things that they never thought they would.  Like letting a birthmother visit her child even when she is hurting from her adoption loss.  We don't like to see others in pain, but sometimes we all have to do things that push our comfort level way outside our desired boundaries.  Only faith can help us do that.  Choose a family who is willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of their child.  Choose a family who cherishes your role in the life of the child. You may not be the mother, but you will forever be the birthmother.  No legal document will change that.  Find a family who is willing to respect that and embrace it.

Make sure the parents you choose have accepted that their family will be created through adoption.  Be sure that they have surrendered to God their preconceived notions of what their family will look like  A beautiful example of this is a couple from church who have a child adopted from China, another adopted from India and a heart for a child from Ethiopia.  The mom said "If we were hung up on having children who looked like us, we would have spent our time and money on fertility treatments.  But instead, we realized that God wanted our family to be different.  We love the fact that our children don't look alike.  We want a family of kids who are uniquely their own."  How mature.  They trusted God to create their family.  And He did.  Yet their children are just like them.  They are fun, easy going and uniquely individual.  And whether they have their mother's eyes is not the most important thing to them.  They are a family.  Brown and yellow, black and white. Literally.

If you choose adoption, you are relinquishing your "rights".  You will not see her first steps, hear her first word, feed her first food, kiss her scraped knee.  Those are treasures for a mother.  By choosing adoption for your child, you are giving all those experiences to her mother.  It will hurt.  You will mourn the loss.  Even when celebrating with her family, a piece of your heart will hurt.  Pictures will be painful.  You will see your face in the pictures of your child hugging and kissing her mom.  Yet, you wanted that kind of love and relationship for her. The reason you are choosing adoption is because you want the very best for your child.  Remember that when the pain seems unbearable.

Adoption can be beautiful.  It is an unselfish choice.  It puts your child's needs above your own.  Yes, you could parent.  But just because you can, doesn't mean you should.  Being able to get pregnant is a gift and sometimes it is not intended to be YOUR gift. 

There is no right answer.  But if you still choose adoption for your daughter, know there will be pain.  Know that you will forever hurt.  It will define you.  But it is not about you.  It is about that little girl.  Is it better for her to have two parents who love her to the moon and back, or is it more important that she be with her biological family?  Family is who you choose to love.  There is no perfect answer.  We are imperfect people who make decisions outside of God's will.  And there are consequences to those decisions.

Ask questions.  Don't worry so much about hurting feelings that it keeps you from talking about the important things.  This is an irrevocable decision.  Be sure.  Trust God.  PRAY. And after you make the decision, trust that God will provide during the times of excruciating pain.  Because only God can comfort the kind of pain you will feel.

And if you choose the right parents for your child, your family will grow.  Your love will expand and you will not lose a child, but gain more family.  Be picky, because you are choosing a relationship for the rest of your life. 

There is no perfect answer.  God wanted something different for you, but you made choices outside His will.  And despite that, He can make something beautiful from your poor choices.  Trust that He can orchestrate better than you could ever hope to control. 

Whatever you choose, know that God loves you and wanted only the best for you.  And even if you didn't follow His will for your life, He can make something beautiful from your circumstances.

This is by far the hardest thing you will ever do and trusting that God will provide is the only way that it will be bearable.  And by God's grace your daughter will appreciate that you made the decision to provide the best for her.

Be strong and trust God to provide even in times of grief.

An update

I got pictures of sweet Brit on Tuesday.  Which meant two nights without sleep.  She is 10 months old and I keep waiting.  Do you think they will let me see her on her first birthday in March?  And why can't I be grateful for what I do have?  They send beautiful emails that let me know what Brit has accomplished in the past month.  And I love that.  But I would really like to snuggle her.

I'll write more later, but until then, here are pictures of our sweet Brit at Christmas.  She is now walking, clapping, dancing and saying a few words.  Yes, she is advanced.

This is a cropped picture because it also includes her dad, who has much the same look on his face.  C and I cracked up when we saw it.  They both look very confused by the Farmer Says toy.

Dad is touching Brit's nose with her fairy wand.   Yes, this great big athletic man is destined to a life of tutus and princess parties.  And probably lots of drama.  Thankfully he is a high school girls basketball coach so he knows girl drama all too well.  I think he will be well equipped. 

Where is this girl's hair?....

She just looks so little.  And I guess she always will be.  I often chuckle as I think about how her her dad is 6'5" and very athletic. Her mom is right at 6' tall and gracefully beautiful. And ironically, Brit's birthfather is 5'8" (when he is standing tall) and I am 5'5" (with my hair puffed up).  I am also the most uncoordinated person I know.  Thankfully her birthfather is coordinated and athletic, so maybe that will balance things out.

But here is a little girl who will grow up with a dad who is a high school girls basketball coach, and a mom who is a professional ballerina.  So sorry Brit.  Wish we would have contributed more to your gene pool.  Hopefully just living with your parents will make you grow taller and be athletic. :) 

Not much to say

Not too much to report today.  Yesterday was my birthday and for some reason I thought maybe Brit's mom would send an email or a note.  That didn't happen.  Actually, I take that back.  She did send an email reply to one I sent her on Monday about a mutual acquaintance of ours whose husband had a brain tumor removed.  She thanked me for the update.  And to be honest, it was a nice light hearted email.  Just a couple of sentences, but I figure any correspondence from her is better than none.

I try to keep my interactions with Brit's mom light hearted and non-chalant.  I know that there is a huge white elephant that stands between the two of us and meaningful conversation.  I try not to dwell on the conversations that we had prior to Brit's birth about how we would always be friends.  I know things change.  I just wish they hadn't.

So now I wait for my January email update with pictures.  I am so very glad I get that.  So many birthmothers don't.  So as sorry as I feel for myself and how our relationship hasn't developed like I thought it would, I do remember that I am still very fortunate to have what I do get.

Words of love and encouragement

I am a devout reader of the blog Heart Cries.  And while she didn't know it, Rebekah's blog became very therapeutic to me on some of my worst days.

The other day I did reach out to Rebekah in a personal email to thank her for her words and how she touches my heart. In the email I shared my story with her. And in her email back to me, she said some great things that I treasure. 

If you are a mother touched by adoption, I hope these words are meaningful to you too.  Below is an excerpt from her email (with a few edits).  I highlighted the parts that I continue to ponder.

Lisa, I am honored that you would share your story with me. If I'm sharing, honestly, it broke my heart. When adoptive mothers act the way you described, it tells me two things. 1) They never fully healed from infertility before persuing adoption and 2) They're not confident in who God has created them to be.

It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life. All that being said, God is so very sovereign. He knows your heart and her pain. He knows the fullness that both of you desire for Brit's life and He can orchestrate it better than anyone on earth could. Don't lose hope!

I will pray and believe that healing will take place for all hearts involved.  Adoption is such a raw process. Even for Rebekah and me, the first few months were so difficult. It was agonizing for me to hear how much pain she was in. (It would have been easier not to know or have contact). It took nearly a solid year for her to find a healthy spot of peace. We went to visit her when Ty was ten months old and although many tears were shed, they were all happy! Just give yourselves time...God can move mountains.

Infertility has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Believe me, I've had some very ugly moments of regret. Your adoptive parents sound like wonderful parents and despite their reservations on opening the adoption up, I guarantee they are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.

This side of adoption makes you so grateful for where God has brought you and a day doesn't go by that you don't remember what He's done. Ty is nearly two and I've never uttered (or heard Ben say) anything that could even closely be linked to a complaint. We just don't take our moments with Ty for granted.

Here are some of my thoughts on what Rebekah shared:

Confidence in what God has created us to be (specific to our roles in the lives of our children)

While she was referring to my daughter's adoptive mother it made me reflect on MY role too.  Who did God intend for ME to be to Brit?  Yes, I wish mom would open up to me and share more of Brit's life with me and her birthfather, but am I trusting God to orchestrate the best situation for this little girl?  Or am I just completely obsessed with what I think my role should be?  Who would know best?  Me or God?  Yes, I know the answer to that question.  What has God created me to be?  I need to pray on that one ALOT.

It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life.

This is an area that I wish I could tell Brit's mom would be OK if she would just allow me in.  Had I thought that I would be the best mother for Brit, I would have kept her and raised her in our family.  But I know that God had another plan for this sweet little girl.  If He didn't, things would not have worked out like they did. 

And I am not a crazy, inconsistent woman who will just scramble Brit's life.  I am a professional, working mother with 3 boys of my own, who are all well adjusted and happy.  The only addiction I have is to Diet Coke and a propensity to volunteer for too many activities and committees. 

And Brit's father is the same.  He is an accountant, with two boys of his own who are also normal and well-adjusted.  We are good parents and would never interfere with letting them be Brit's parents. 

We picked them because we trusted that they would be the very best parents for our little girl.  If we didn't think that, we would have kept her or chosen another family.  If I could just remind Brit's mom that I know my place.  And I just want to give even more love to the little girl that will forever be connected to me, her birthfather and all of her biological brothers.

They are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.

I need to focus on this when I am having a pity party for myself as I long to hold and love the daughter who I miss.  While I might not be able to hold her and love her directly, her parents do.  And because they longed and prayed for her for years, they are finally able to give all the love they had saved up to this beautiful little girl.  She is the lucky one.  And Brit knows no different.  She has her parents, she loves them, and they love her.

So, I will pray.  Pray that God will guide our relationship down the path that He intended.  That He will orchestrate a beautiful relationship that develops according to His time, not mine. (THAT IS SO HARD!!!) And I will pray for healing for all of our broken adult hearts.  Because our little girl is not broken.  Her heart is full of love.  And she is also loved to the moon and back by not one, but two sets of parents.

Brit is a lucky little girl.  And God is using Brit to form her mom and me into the people He intended us to be.  So we need to just let God do the hard work of changing our hearts.

So much easier said than done, but I intend to pray my way through this.

Thank you Rebekah for your Heart Cries.  Because your words help dry my tears.

A good day

I am amazed by how much peace I have felt about my adoption situation the past couple of weeks.  Nothing has changed at all.  But I think God is just granting me some peace about it right now.  I can think about little Brit without crying.  And I continue to pray for her parents and that their hearts might soften to the idea of allowing us to have a relationship with her.  But I don't cry or become consumed with feelings of hurt and disappointment like I have in the past.

I know it is no coincidence that while my heart is content with my adoption relationship, the rest of my personal life is spinning out of control.  My ex-husband has filed for primary custody of our two little boys because he has decided that he doesn't want to pay child support which I just requested.  He has not paid a penny to me for almost two years and I decided it was time that he helped out a little.  So in response to my request for financial assistance, he has filed for custody.

That means we are making two attorney's very wealthy.  So not only is it financially difficult to be a single parent, I am also hemorrhaging money as the attorney needs another $1,000 every time I turn around.

I know this process will work out fine for me in the end, but until then, it is very stressful.  And my kids definitely feel stuck in the middle. You would think two grown adults could work this out without having to see attorneys and judges.  But I guess not.

So today is my last full day in the office as tomorrow I have to appear before a judge so he can determine what our shared parenting schedule will be for the remainder of the month.  Then Friday I have to see another attorney who is supposed to see if she can get the ex and me to come to a civil agreement without further involving the court.

I am hopeful that this process is over soon and we can all move on.

But until then, we keep trudging through it.  And thankfully the kids and I are all resilient.

Some happy thoughts for the day:

• I love my hot tea.  Good Earth Sweet and Spicy blend.  Unbelievably good.
• My oldest son turns 18 on Sunday and C and I are going to spend some one-on-one time with him to celebrate
• I have free passes to see a screening of the movie The Green Hornet tonight.  I plan to take the two little boys and eat popcorn and drink Diet Coke, even though I am trying to avoid pop as much as possible.
• I have great, supportive co-workers.
• I have an awesome best friend who is there for me, no matter what.
• Zoloft is an inexpensive anti-depressant that seems to work really well for me when taken in large doses. (Yes, I am better when I take medicine.  It is not weakness, just something to help me through this valley.)
• I live with a friend who has been very kind and understanding with my financial situation.
• C and I are in a great place in our relationship. (Which I also think helps me with my adoption feelings.)
• I am healthy and employed.  Which is better than many of my friends.
• God has provided for me.  And even though I am stubborn and disobedient, He still gives me second chances and pours His grace out upon me.

So there you have it.  Things aren't really that bad.  And I have much to be thankful for.

We will always be here.

Brit,

Today I felt like I needed to actually write and tell you how much your birthfather and I love you.  While we chose different parents for you, you are always with us.  Every day we speak your name.  We wonder what you are doing.  We wonder about your little personality and wish we could spend some time with you.

We keep a baby book that is all about you.  Each month we get an email from your parents and they include photos.  We make a scrapbook page with as many pictures as we can.  I make a photo collage every month too that he and I have displayed in our homes.  The boys love to look at the pictures of you.  D has a little pink photo album that says "Little Sister".  Sometimes it makes me cry to look at it, but mostly it makes my heart happy to know that he and the other boys all think of you as their sister, in spite of the different parents.

We all love you very much and can't wait for the day that your parents let us see you again.  We want to include you in our lives.  We still love you so much.  So much in fact, it hurts.

I read about adoption every day.  And the saddest stories to me are those where the birthparents stop contact with their child and his/her family.  We will never disappear.  We want to be here for you.  For everything that we are allowed to share.  We don't want to miss a thing.  And we hope someday that we will be able to share parts of your life with you.

But until then, we will continue to love you in our hearts and pour over your pictures.  And we will be thankful for the stories that we do get to hear from your parents.  It gives us great joy to see and hear how happy you are.  That is exactly what we wanted for you.

We love you very much!

Love,

Us