Showing posts with label adoptive parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoptive parents. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
A letter to other adoptive parents
A letter to Other Adoptive Parents
I am asking every adoptive family to examine their feelings, attitudes and relationships in regards to birthparents. What is keeping us from having a real relationship? A relationship with give and take? Acknowledgement of the role they play in the creation of our families? Again this will look different for everyone, but ask yourself if what you are giving is truly what is wanted, what is truly your best effort? Is a few email updates a year really what is wanted? Is that really a relationship?
Adoption is about love, not fear. As we open our hearts to our children- how can we not open our hearts to their birthmother? How can we not let her know of our love by thoughtful communication and acknowledgement? Will our children’s birthmother always be in our first thoughts daily? Not usually- that place is often reserved for our children, but she should not be relegated to our last thoughts or not thought of at all. Our children’s birthmothers should not be a box to check off- yep, sent the yearly update- but we should have a sincere desire to let her know who our child is becoming. Be secure in your role in your child’s life. We share our children with many people- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, why would we shut out the very person who gave them life?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Simply amazing
I read the following blog post last week (Adoptive and birth mom interview) and have not been able to shake it from my mind since then. From the moment I found Amber at Bumber's Bumblings, I knew she was an over the top, unbelievable adoptive mom.
I follow her through blog land and FB and we have since become virtual friends too.
But all weekend I found my mind wandering back to her interview with her child's first mom Ashley. The way they talk about each other. The respect for one another. And the shared love of one little boy who has brought two families together.
There is one line in their interview that just got my heart with a direct hit, it is Amber (adoptive mom) speaking to Ashley (birthmom);
Could you imagine that? An adoptive mom who wants to spend time with her child's birth mother? An adoptive mom who wants her child's birth mother to be the child's caregiver in their absence. An adoptive mom who feels like she tries too hard to be inclusive. The concept nearly brings me to tears right now.
This line was especially poignant to me because of a conversation I had with BF when he and I found out that our daughter's parents were expecting twins just months after adopting our daughter.
He and I were discussing the impact of this on Brit and our future relationship with her parents. BF, being more optimistic than I am with regard to this topic, said to me.. "Wouldn't it be great if some day that would trust us enough to let us watch all of their kids so they could go out and enjoy a night by themselves? Just think, maybe someday they will WANT us to keep Brit so they can have a little time alone."
Now, if you are a reader of my blog, you know that we are no where near this kind of relationship with them. Actually, that is probably an understatement.
But...
When reading Amber's comments about asking Ashley to babysit B, it made me realize this is a possibility with some open adoption relationships. The idea that they go out together as adults (Ashley and Amber) and they have conversations like friends, makes me want to cry tears of joy. What a blessing to B. There is no threat from him loving both of his mothers, because both of his mothers love each other!
I also love the joy that seems to come to both families in this relationship. Not just the moms, but also the extended families.
And it is not just Amber and Ashley who have this type of deep friendship and mutual respect for what each brings to the relationship with the child. I have read several blogs of adoptive moms and first moms who have similar relationships that include the birth family spending alone time with the child, while the parents have some grown up time. A great post to this topic is from Lori titled Returning to the Well.
I think there is great maturity and insight that Lori shares about how her daughter NEEDS time with her birth family. And the time she spends with them is an investment in her well-being.
So for today, that will be my happy thought. There are some amazing adoptive moms out there who not only value the role of their child's birth family, but they also invest in a genuine friendship with the child's other family.
To you amazing mommas, I tip my hat! (and have a whole lot of envy, but that is something I am working on!)
And to my dear sweet Brit, I hope that someday BF and I are in the crowd cheering you on as you dance, sing or play sports. I also hope that someday we can deliver the gifts for you and your siblings, instead of sending them in the mail. We can't wait to be a part of your life!
I follow her through blog land and FB and we have since become virtual friends too.
But all weekend I found my mind wandering back to her interview with her child's first mom Ashley. The way they talk about each other. The respect for one another. And the shared love of one little boy who has brought two families together.
There is one line in their interview that just got my heart with a direct hit, it is Amber (adoptive mom) speaking to Ashley (birthmom);
"I worry that we try to spend too much time with you. I also worry that we ask you to babysit too much, and maybe that is offensive to you."WOAH!!!!
Could you imagine that? An adoptive mom who wants to spend time with her child's birth mother? An adoptive mom who wants her child's birth mother to be the child's caregiver in their absence. An adoptive mom who feels like she tries too hard to be inclusive. The concept nearly brings me to tears right now.
This line was especially poignant to me because of a conversation I had with BF when he and I found out that our daughter's parents were expecting twins just months after adopting our daughter.
He and I were discussing the impact of this on Brit and our future relationship with her parents. BF, being more optimistic than I am with regard to this topic, said to me.. "Wouldn't it be great if some day that would trust us enough to let us watch all of their kids so they could go out and enjoy a night by themselves? Just think, maybe someday they will WANT us to keep Brit so they can have a little time alone."
Now, if you are a reader of my blog, you know that we are no where near this kind of relationship with them. Actually, that is probably an understatement.
But...
When reading Amber's comments about asking Ashley to babysit B, it made me realize this is a possibility with some open adoption relationships. The idea that they go out together as adults (Ashley and Amber) and they have conversations like friends, makes me want to cry tears of joy. What a blessing to B. There is no threat from him loving both of his mothers, because both of his mothers love each other!
I also love the joy that seems to come to both families in this relationship. Not just the moms, but also the extended families.
And it is not just Amber and Ashley who have this type of deep friendship and mutual respect for what each brings to the relationship with the child. I have read several blogs of adoptive moms and first moms who have similar relationships that include the birth family spending alone time with the child, while the parents have some grown up time. A great post to this topic is from Lori titled Returning to the Well.
I think there is great maturity and insight that Lori shares about how her daughter NEEDS time with her birth family. And the time she spends with them is an investment in her well-being.
So for today, that will be my happy thought. There are some amazing adoptive moms out there who not only value the role of their child's birth family, but they also invest in a genuine friendship with the child's other family.
To you amazing mommas, I tip my hat! (and have a whole lot of envy, but that is something I am working on!)
And to my dear sweet Brit, I hope that someday BF and I are in the crowd cheering you on as you dance, sing or play sports. I also hope that someday we can deliver the gifts for you and your siblings, instead of sending them in the mail. We can't wait to be a part of your life!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
To feel valued...
Normally I do not talk about specific situations that I am dealing with regarding Brit's parents because I am never sure if they are reading my blog. So I never want to say anything that could potentially have a negative impact on our relationship.
But today I just decided I want to say out loud how I have felt inside (and have expressed to BF on more than one occasion).
I am so disappointed. Disappointment to my core.
I do not expect alot from others. I try to be gracious and accept that people are all different. We behave differently. We parent differently. We spend our time differently.
But there comes a point where it becomes obvious if you are a valued part of someone's life.
We are not feeling valued.
We are not asking to be treasured or held in the highest regard. We are not asking to be a number one priority to you and/or your family.
But we do wish that you would at least extend to us the same courtesy that you would to an extended family member.
When we send a Christmas gift package (or any other holiday) to your children and it is not acknowledged in any way, we wonder if you got it. And when we see from the tracking that you did, your silence speaks to us.
Yes, you do generally remember to say thank you in the subsequent monthly email update. But would it be so hard to send a 3 sentence email when you received the package and say, "We got your gift. Thank you. Brit enjoys it."?
When special days in our lives come and go and they are never acknowledged by you (birthdays, mothers day, and every holiday), we realize that the effort we make to celebrate those special days for you, is not reciprocated.
While we know that Brit is not old enough to send us a card, sometimes parents do that on behalf of their child. We send a card for every holiday and special day in your life. Still not a single piece of mail has ever been delivered to our mailbox with your return address. Not a happy birthday or holiday email or text message. Nothing.
When we contact you and kindly ask if we can discuss our adoption relationship, your non-response speaks volumes. Being blatantly ignored is very hurtful. And we are left to deal with the hurt with no explanation or understanding.
We are forever grateful for the monthly updates. The pictures and stories are the only salve we have for our hearts. But would you consider how much it might mean to us if you would snap a picture as Brit opens her gifts from us, since we were not allowed any time together with her to watch her open them in person?
I know it is hard to remember birthdays and having 3 little children in your home has to be hectic. We are very understanding. We have 5 boys of our own that take our every waking minute, plus we both work full time jobs. But our relationship with you is a priority to us. So we make sure that you know it by expressing it to you in tangible ways.
We send gifts because it is a way for us to express our love to Brit and your family since we do not get to see any of you on those special occasions. We send cards to let you know we are thinking about you.
We do not want gifts in return. We have everything we could possibly want or need. We just want to feel like you think about us too. And since we do not have an interactive relationship in the sense of phone calls or text messages, the only way we would know that you remember us would be through a card, or letter or even a thoughtful email that was not sent according to schedule.
You used to interact with us like that before you took Brit home. You were thoughtful and expressive when I was pregnant. So we know you are capable of such feelings and actions.
This lack of interaction with you is very hard for BF and me to understand. In your emails, you say that you love us and are thankful for us, but your actions do not necessarily support those statements.
We get the distinct feeling that you are willing to invest the minimum. And because you have decided that monthly email updates are what you are comfortable with, it ends there. *The short surprise visit that you allowed us to have last year around the time of Brit's first birthday was very nice, and VERY appreciated. But we also realize it was simply a gift extended to us, not to be expected.
We sure wish that we meant enough to you that you would consider more.
But we aren't going to push it. It appears that our heartfelt pleas do not influence what you feel is an acceptable relationship between our two families.
We have had to come to our own peace with the fact that this is how it is right now. We cannot change it. We have no power or influence. We hold no cards. We are at your mercy.
We are going to keep sending cards on special occasions. And we will continue to send gifts on holidays unless you tell us otherwise. We want to do this because we are thinking about your family and we want show you that in the only way that we can. However, we have come to expect that there will be silence in return.
Honestly, we don't want a response to our attempts at interaction with you unless you WANT to respond to us. It is like asking our children to apologize and they say they are sorry, but we know that in their heart they are not truly remorseful. We don't want lip service. We want it to be real.
We love that little girl. And until she is able to desire a relationship with us, we are at your mercy and we know it.
We just wish you felt that our relationship with Brit, and with your family, was valuable to you.
But today I just decided I want to say out loud how I have felt inside (and have expressed to BF on more than one occasion).
I am so disappointed. Disappointment to my core.
I do not expect alot from others. I try to be gracious and accept that people are all different. We behave differently. We parent differently. We spend our time differently.
But there comes a point where it becomes obvious if you are a valued part of someone's life.
We are not feeling valued.
We are not asking to be treasured or held in the highest regard. We are not asking to be a number one priority to you and/or your family.
But we do wish that you would at least extend to us the same courtesy that you would to an extended family member.
When we send a Christmas gift package (or any other holiday) to your children and it is not acknowledged in any way, we wonder if you got it. And when we see from the tracking that you did, your silence speaks to us.
Yes, you do generally remember to say thank you in the subsequent monthly email update. But would it be so hard to send a 3 sentence email when you received the package and say, "We got your gift. Thank you. Brit enjoys it."?
When special days in our lives come and go and they are never acknowledged by you (birthdays, mothers day, and every holiday), we realize that the effort we make to celebrate those special days for you, is not reciprocated.
While we know that Brit is not old enough to send us a card, sometimes parents do that on behalf of their child. We send a card for every holiday and special day in your life. Still not a single piece of mail has ever been delivered to our mailbox with your return address. Not a happy birthday or holiday email or text message. Nothing.
When we contact you and kindly ask if we can discuss our adoption relationship, your non-response speaks volumes. Being blatantly ignored is very hurtful. And we are left to deal with the hurt with no explanation or understanding.
We are forever grateful for the monthly updates. The pictures and stories are the only salve we have for our hearts. But would you consider how much it might mean to us if you would snap a picture as Brit opens her gifts from us, since we were not allowed any time together with her to watch her open them in person?
I know it is hard to remember birthdays and having 3 little children in your home has to be hectic. We are very understanding. We have 5 boys of our own that take our every waking minute, plus we both work full time jobs. But our relationship with you is a priority to us. So we make sure that you know it by expressing it to you in tangible ways.
We send gifts because it is a way for us to express our love to Brit and your family since we do not get to see any of you on those special occasions. We send cards to let you know we are thinking about you.
We do not want gifts in return. We have everything we could possibly want or need. We just want to feel like you think about us too. And since we do not have an interactive relationship in the sense of phone calls or text messages, the only way we would know that you remember us would be through a card, or letter or even a thoughtful email that was not sent according to schedule.
You used to interact with us like that before you took Brit home. You were thoughtful and expressive when I was pregnant. So we know you are capable of such feelings and actions.
This lack of interaction with you is very hard for BF and me to understand. In your emails, you say that you love us and are thankful for us, but your actions do not necessarily support those statements.
We get the distinct feeling that you are willing to invest the minimum. And because you have decided that monthly email updates are what you are comfortable with, it ends there. *The short surprise visit that you allowed us to have last year around the time of Brit's first birthday was very nice, and VERY appreciated. But we also realize it was simply a gift extended to us, not to be expected.
We sure wish that we meant enough to you that you would consider more.
But we aren't going to push it. It appears that our heartfelt pleas do not influence what you feel is an acceptable relationship between our two families.
We have had to come to our own peace with the fact that this is how it is right now. We cannot change it. We have no power or influence. We hold no cards. We are at your mercy.
We are going to keep sending cards on special occasions. And we will continue to send gifts on holidays unless you tell us otherwise. We want to do this because we are thinking about your family and we want show you that in the only way that we can. However, we have come to expect that there will be silence in return.
Honestly, we don't want a response to our attempts at interaction with you unless you WANT to respond to us. It is like asking our children to apologize and they say they are sorry, but we know that in their heart they are not truly remorseful. We don't want lip service. We want it to be real.
We love that little girl. And until she is able to desire a relationship with us, we are at your mercy and we know it.
We just wish you felt that our relationship with Brit, and with your family, was valuable to you.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thank you my adoptive mom friends
I really did think I was better. My thoughts were clearing and I had hope for my future relationship with my daughter's parents.
Then it hit again. I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.
It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship. You can only be the recipient of good will.
So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you. Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train. Either way, you must grin and bear it. Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.
So...
I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak. And one thing surfaced immediately. There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption. They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.
And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."
They give me virtual hugs and encouragement. And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.
So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents. I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.
To my dear adoptive mother friends,
First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.
Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child. But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.
Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.
Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.
Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand. Thank you for forgiving us anyway. Often many times over.
Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.
Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough. And scary. And not easy.
Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later. Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.
Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.
And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be.
With heartfelt love,
An appreciative birthmom
Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. You are all such amazing women and mothers. THANK YOU!
Lindsay
MommySquared
Rebekah
Then it hit again. I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.
It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship. You can only be the recipient of good will.
So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you. Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train. Either way, you must grin and bear it. Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.
So...
I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak. And one thing surfaced immediately. There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption. They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.
And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."
They give me virtual hugs and encouragement. And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.
So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents. I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.
To my dear adoptive mother friends,
First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.
Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child. But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.
Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.
Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.
Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand. Thank you for forgiving us anyway. Often many times over.
Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.
Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough. And scary. And not easy.
Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later. Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.
Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.
And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be.
With heartfelt love,
An appreciative birthmom
Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. You are all such amazing women and mothers. THANK YOU!
Lindsay
MommySquared
Rebekah
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It's all perspective
This blog is written by a birthmother who wants a fully open adoption.
Therefore many of my followers are birthmothers or adoptive parents who support open adoption. A few are adoptees who help me with perspective.
Irregardless of your role, you are all so good to me. You have supported me through really tough patches. You encourage me. And many of you pray for me, some daily!
Thank you dear blog friends.
But today I feel a heavy conviction on my heart about defending Brit's parents and their character.
I hope that I have never written things that would make them seem like bad people. Because they aren't. I chose them to parent my child. I picked them because I thought they would be awesome parents to my daughter. Since the adoption happened, things have changed. Things I desperately wish were different. Things that I continue to think will change with time (hopefully less time rather than more).
So today I am reminding myself (and sharing with you) why I chose Brit's parents in the first place.
When we were choosing parents for our precious child, BF and I had a few things that were important to us. They included:
Some of the reasons we chose them specifically to parent our child included:
I felt that when we were with them. I wanted to share the rest of my life with them. Which I knew was what would happen when they adopted our child. We would be forever connected.
Adoption happened and things changed. Our relationship disintegrated because we didn't know how to navigate through open adoption once we were faced with it as a reality and not a concept.
But I do not believe their character changed. I still believe that they are good people who truly believe they are making the best decisions for their family.
You all get to hear my inner thoughts on a routine basis. Brit's mother doesn't. (Unless she reads this blog, which I hope she does.) So I don't know if she truly understands how badly I long for a relationship with her and with Brit. (I would like to think I have been extremely clear about this, but I will again give the benefit of the doubt.)
We all act and react using what we know and what we believe to be the best decision based on the information we have. Sometimes we make decisions based on what hurts the least.
I think this is where they are at. I don't know. Adoption was harder than they expected. I get that. I am living those feelings too.
But here is some perspective I have been trying to give myself lately.
What if I had been a birthmother who needed space and didn't want to have any interaction with my daughter's adoptive parents right now because it was too hard?
Should I have been expected to have visits with Brit, even if my pain was so great that I didn't think I could live through it?
I would guess most people would say no, I should have had the option to wait until my heart had healed more. (I would hope that many of you would have also said to me that I should reconsider that decision. Even though I might have felt like a relationship and/or visits would have been hard, it would be worth it for the sake of my daughter's long-term well being.)
So am I extending enough grace to parents who might be feeling the same way?
I would like to think that I am. Some days better than others.
Truthfully they have not cut me out of her life. They do send monthly emails with pictures and stories. That is a blessing.
We are two couples with a difference of perspective on open adoption. They have even said to me before that while they know I believe a more open adoption would be beneficial, they know other people who think they are being more than generous by including me in Brit's life with what they do provide. (I promise I did not scream out loud when that was said to me - just in my head. I did cry a little harder after it was said.)
They are hearing things every day too. Apparently we are not listening to the same people. So the information they are using to base their decisions of openness on are nothing like the information I have from those of you who are living beautiful (not necessarily easy) fully open adoptions.
I get the impression that they see open adoption as information sharing. I see it as a living relationship.
I sure do wish there was a way to get all the hurt and pain out of the way here. I want us to come to a place where all of our action put Brit's relationship with both of her families, birth and adopted, at the forefront of the adults decisions.
Now, how to get everyone on the same page?...
Therefore many of my followers are birthmothers or adoptive parents who support open adoption. A few are adoptees who help me with perspective.
Irregardless of your role, you are all so good to me. You have supported me through really tough patches. You encourage me. And many of you pray for me, some daily!
Thank you dear blog friends.
But today I feel a heavy conviction on my heart about defending Brit's parents and their character.
I hope that I have never written things that would make them seem like bad people. Because they aren't. I chose them to parent my child. I picked them because I thought they would be awesome parents to my daughter. Since the adoption happened, things have changed. Things I desperately wish were different. Things that I continue to think will change with time (hopefully less time rather than more).
So today I am reminding myself (and sharing with you) why I chose Brit's parents in the first place.
When we were choosing parents for our precious child, BF and I had a few things that were important to us. They included:
- A married couple who had not yet had or adopted any children (Although we hoped they would be able to adopt more children some day).
- We wanted them to be youthful so they could enjoy being a first time parent with an active child.
- We wanted them to live near us. (That was an ambiguous term because we weren't sure how close, but we knew we wanted them to be within a drive).
- I absolutely had to choose a Christian couple. This was non-negotiable to me.
Some of the reasons we chose them specifically to parent our child included:
- They are a Christian couple with an active faith.
- They love each other and seem to have a strong marriage based on faith and mutual respect of each other.
- They were young and full of energy to devote to a child.
- They are a couple of average financial means. Not wealthy. Just working middle-class. Like Brit's BF and I are.
- They live geographically close (really close) to me and Brit's BF. This was important to us because we wanted Brit to grow up having similar experiences as her brothers. We felt like living in the same community would give them all commonality.
- They have a strong tie to their families. Brit's father's parents live down the street from them. Close enough that Brit can walk to grandma and grandpa's house.
- They seemed to share similar parenting philosophy with us. Easy going about most things, but with loving guidance.
I felt that when we were with them. I wanted to share the rest of my life with them. Which I knew was what would happen when they adopted our child. We would be forever connected.
Adoption happened and things changed. Our relationship disintegrated because we didn't know how to navigate through open adoption once we were faced with it as a reality and not a concept.
But I do not believe their character changed. I still believe that they are good people who truly believe they are making the best decisions for their family.
You all get to hear my inner thoughts on a routine basis. Brit's mother doesn't. (Unless she reads this blog, which I hope she does.) So I don't know if she truly understands how badly I long for a relationship with her and with Brit. (I would like to think I have been extremely clear about this, but I will again give the benefit of the doubt.)
We all act and react using what we know and what we believe to be the best decision based on the information we have. Sometimes we make decisions based on what hurts the least.
I think this is where they are at. I don't know. Adoption was harder than they expected. I get that. I am living those feelings too.
But here is some perspective I have been trying to give myself lately.
What if I had been a birthmother who needed space and didn't want to have any interaction with my daughter's adoptive parents right now because it was too hard?
Should I have been expected to have visits with Brit, even if my pain was so great that I didn't think I could live through it?
I would guess most people would say no, I should have had the option to wait until my heart had healed more. (I would hope that many of you would have also said to me that I should reconsider that decision. Even though I might have felt like a relationship and/or visits would have been hard, it would be worth it for the sake of my daughter's long-term well being.)
So am I extending enough grace to parents who might be feeling the same way?
I would like to think that I am. Some days better than others.
Truthfully they have not cut me out of her life. They do send monthly emails with pictures and stories. That is a blessing.
We are two couples with a difference of perspective on open adoption. They have even said to me before that while they know I believe a more open adoption would be beneficial, they know other people who think they are being more than generous by including me in Brit's life with what they do provide. (I promise I did not scream out loud when that was said to me - just in my head. I did cry a little harder after it was said.)
They are hearing things every day too. Apparently we are not listening to the same people. So the information they are using to base their decisions of openness on are nothing like the information I have from those of you who are living beautiful (not necessarily easy) fully open adoptions.
I get the impression that they see open adoption as information sharing. I see it as a living relationship.
I sure do wish there was a way to get all the hurt and pain out of the way here. I want us to come to a place where all of our action put Brit's relationship with both of her families, birth and adopted, at the forefront of the adults decisions.
Now, how to get everyone on the same page?...
Friday, September 23, 2011
How we got here
A couple of times people have asked me if I have contacted my agency or social worker about acting as a liaison to help me with my desire for more contact with Brit's family.
The answer is no. Simply because we don't have either. Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend. All of our interaction was on our own terms. Completely unfacilitated. We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.
As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one. And even if we did, our state does not enforce them. All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose. Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights. They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.
But following is how we got to where we are today.
(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense. This is my perspective. My story. And completely one-sided I'm sure. It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement. There is absolutely no way I can be objective. Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you. It is not inteded to be.)
When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path. Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily. I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily. I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience. We were all far from experts.
Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books. But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research. It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.
My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed. I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child. I wanted them to feel like they were the parents. I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy. We never talked about visits or had a formal plan. We talked about it being child driven.
You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time. On the phone, in person and via email. Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me. I included her on everything. I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.
We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents. We were great friends.
We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.
I had made a new friend. She seemed like she was one of my sisters. We got along great. There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.
At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March). I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families. Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening. (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together. But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)
I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant. I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy. But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited. And please don't take this as any kind of accusation. I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go. Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB. So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.
During the hospital stay after Brit was born, we had her parents stay at the hospital with us. The first night BF and I kept Brit. The second night they kept her. Their family came in and out of my hospital room all the time. We even all had a pizza party. Me in all of my post-partum glory hosting a family get together with Brit's parent's families. Brothers, sisters, and parents. They were all there. It felt like we were all in this together. I was happy. This is exactly how I envisioned our relationship. One big extended family all loving one child.
The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend. We figured we would get some. (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well. But never received any actual pictures ever. If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply. I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)
So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.
Not another text message. Not a phone call.
When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old). She replied and it was nice. She included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.
A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work. That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.
That was one of the very worst days of my life.
I left work, went home and cried hysterically. The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul. My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me. It makes me cry right now remembering that day.
That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance. Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:
In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me. She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead. It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.
He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener. I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child. He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit.
It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again. BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.
I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her. It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them. (Another heartbreak)
HYSTERIA ensued. Privately of course. And it lasted weeks. I was debilitated with grief. Completely lacking hope.
Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.
From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit. But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.
It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person. I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October. I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th). I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.
In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness. He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.
For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit. I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts. This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away. But I can't take her a Christmas present. I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.
Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb. Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours. We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours. It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins). Something they had never shared that with us up to that point. I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy. She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.
Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog. After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us. Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.
We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them. They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it. That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.
I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).
To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails. We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else. No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement. But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.
I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends. They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that. I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.
So there you have it.
We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.
My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER. So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better. And hopefully easier.
And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration. I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling. We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.
After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me. Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me. I have spoken to this before. The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated. But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.
So there you have it. How we got here. I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like. I had no idea. And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either. We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had.
So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one. We just had a relationship. A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue. No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth.
Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE! Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine. And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child. A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.
So moving on...
Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.
The answer is no. Simply because we don't have either. Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend. All of our interaction was on our own terms. Completely unfacilitated. We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.
As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one. And even if we did, our state does not enforce them. All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose. Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights. They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.
But following is how we got to where we are today.
(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense. This is my perspective. My story. And completely one-sided I'm sure. It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement. There is absolutely no way I can be objective. Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you. It is not inteded to be.)
When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path. Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily. I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily. I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience. We were all far from experts.
Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books. But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research. It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.
My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed. I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child. I wanted them to feel like they were the parents. I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy. We never talked about visits or had a formal plan. We talked about it being child driven.
You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time. On the phone, in person and via email. Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me. I included her on everything. I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.
We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents. We were great friends.
We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.
I had made a new friend. She seemed like she was one of my sisters. We got along great. There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.
At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March). I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families. Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening. (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together. But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)
I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant. I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy. But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited. And please don't take this as any kind of accusation. I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go. Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB. So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.
The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend. We figured we would get some. (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well. But never received any actual pictures ever. If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply. I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)
So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.
Not another text message. Not a phone call.
When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old). She replied and it was nice. She included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.
A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work. That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.
That was one of the very worst days of my life.
I left work, went home and cried hysterically. The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul. My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me. It makes me cry right now remembering that day.
That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance. Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:
In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me. She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead. It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.
He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener. I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child. He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit.
It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again. BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.
I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her. It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them. (Another heartbreak)
HYSTERIA ensued. Privately of course. And it lasted weeks. I was debilitated with grief. Completely lacking hope.
Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.
From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit. But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.
It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person. I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October. I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th). I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.
In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness. He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.
For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit. I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts. This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away. But I can't take her a Christmas present. I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.
Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb. Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours. We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours. It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins). Something they had never shared that with us up to that point. I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy. She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.
Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog. After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us. Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.
We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them. They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it. That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.
I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).
To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails. We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else. No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement. But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.
I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends. They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that. I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.
So there you have it.
We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.
My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER. So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better. And hopefully easier.
And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration. I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling. We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.
After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me. Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me. I have spoken to this before. The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated. But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.
So there you have it. How we got here. I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like. I had no idea. And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either. We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had.
So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one. We just had a relationship. A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue. No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth.
Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE! Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine. And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child. A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.
So moving on...
Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Two years ago today
Two years ago today I was sitting in the hospital with my youngest son as he battled some undiagnosed virus. He was very sick and it just had to run its course.
I was tired, pregnant and still reeling from all the decisions I had made and still had to make regarding this unplanned pregnancy (which at that point was still a secret to everyone but me and BF). Top that off with 3 days in the hospital with a sick child, and an ex-husband who was in and out of the hospital with us, I was a bit frazzled.
But it was this exact day two years ago, I had a very important call to make. And I knew that it could not wait any longer. So I excused myself from my child's room, went to the waiting room and called Brit's future parents.
I got her mom on the phone and apologized for the late phone call (we had promised to call them on Monday and this was a Tuesday). Her mom had a serious apprehension in her voice as she graciously accepted my call being a day late because of D's illness. But I knew that all she could think about was that I was about to either make her the happiest future mommy or a devastated hopeful parent still wondering how their family would be built.
When I uttered the words that BF and I had chosen them to be parents for our child she almost came through the phone. She said that when we didn't call on Monday they had prepared themselves for the fact that we must not have chosen them since up to that point we had always followed through when we told them we would.
I remember her excitement continue to rise as it started to sink in and she said "I have to call (my husband)! I am going to get ahold of his principal because I have to tell him right now even if he is teaching! I have to tell him right now! He is going to be so excited!"
It is amazing how it brings a smile to my face even as I type that right now. The unbelievable joy in her voice. The way the words that I had just spoken had given her a hope that she had not had for years.
Two years ago today.
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| Obviously this is not me on the phone and there was no hot man in the waiting room as I made my call. |
I was tired, pregnant and still reeling from all the decisions I had made and still had to make regarding this unplanned pregnancy (which at that point was still a secret to everyone but me and BF). Top that off with 3 days in the hospital with a sick child, and an ex-husband who was in and out of the hospital with us, I was a bit frazzled.
But it was this exact day two years ago, I had a very important call to make. And I knew that it could not wait any longer. So I excused myself from my child's room, went to the waiting room and called Brit's future parents.
I got her mom on the phone and apologized for the late phone call (we had promised to call them on Monday and this was a Tuesday). Her mom had a serious apprehension in her voice as she graciously accepted my call being a day late because of D's illness. But I knew that all she could think about was that I was about to either make her the happiest future mommy or a devastated hopeful parent still wondering how their family would be built.
When I uttered the words that BF and I had chosen them to be parents for our child she almost came through the phone. She said that when we didn't call on Monday they had prepared themselves for the fact that we must not have chosen them since up to that point we had always followed through when we told them we would.
I remember her excitement continue to rise as it started to sink in and she said "I have to call (my husband)! I am going to get ahold of his principal because I have to tell him right now even if he is teaching! I have to tell him right now! He is going to be so excited!"
It is amazing how it brings a smile to my face even as I type that right now. The unbelievable joy in her voice. The way the words that I had just spoken had given her a hope that she had not had for years.
Two years ago today.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thanks
With Blogger being down, I wasn't able to get back online and post that I was doing better. But thankfully the sadness wasn't too long lived. A big thank you to all of those who sent me words of encouragement.
The real reason I was able to push through (not that the words of encouragement weren't helpful, because they were) was that my day at work got hectic. Which apparently was exactly what I needed on a day that I was having a pity party.
I was forced to pull on my big girl panties and move on. I wouldn't say I got happy, but I definitely got distracted. Funny how that helps.
Then yesterday, in God's divine intervention, Brit's mom emailed a thank you for the mother's day card. Funny how simple words from her can be the salve I need for my heart. No big conversation, just a simple acknowledgement.
To my adoptive parent friends, I hope you realize how much power every interaction from you has over our birthmother emotions. I see it time and time again on birthmom blogs. We wait in angst for an email, phone call, text or letter. Our minds wander to conclusions that are far from the truth. Then we get the communication, and all is well for a while.
Thank you to all of you who are sensitive to this fact and make an effort to continue communication even when it is a hassle. It means the world to us who are watching and waiting from the outside.
The real reason I was able to push through (not that the words of encouragement weren't helpful, because they were) was that my day at work got hectic. Which apparently was exactly what I needed on a day that I was having a pity party.
I was forced to pull on my big girl panties and move on. I wouldn't say I got happy, but I definitely got distracted. Funny how that helps.
Then yesterday, in God's divine intervention, Brit's mom emailed a thank you for the mother's day card. Funny how simple words from her can be the salve I need for my heart. No big conversation, just a simple acknowledgement.
To my adoptive parent friends, I hope you realize how much power every interaction from you has over our birthmother emotions. I see it time and time again on birthmom blogs. We wait in angst for an email, phone call, text or letter. Our minds wander to conclusions that are far from the truth. Then we get the communication, and all is well for a while.
Thank you to all of you who are sensitive to this fact and make an effort to continue communication even when it is a hassle. It means the world to us who are watching and waiting from the outside.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day weekend - come and gone
Disclaimer: Post filled with baby pictures and lame details about my weekend. If you would rather not endure the pictures and play by play of my life, scroll down to the area of this post labeled BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY for my reflections on birthmother's day and Mother's Day as a birthmom.
Friday night I kept nephew B overnight. He is just simply an angel. It was perfect. I was even able to entertain guests that evening. Baby B really does love me. I promise he does. Please disregard the look of horror on his face as I kissed him.
We got Princess dressed and ready then we were off to my other nephew's birthday party. While we were there, Princess was held by everyone in the room. We are all suckers for babies. Being the oldest of 5 sisters, you can bet that we all love our baby time when someone brings a baby to family functions.
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| Sister #3 with Princess |
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| My mom with Princess |
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| Sister #2 carrying Princess |
That afternoon I dropped the boys off at their dad's house and went to BF's house so I could gather up his two boys and take them to a photo session as a surprise for their dad's bday (which is today - Happy Bday C! Enjoy 39!)
Because Princess fell asleep before I was heading out the door, BF said he would be glad to keep her so I had my hands free while I was with his boys. He is so good with that baby. BF was definitely designed to be a dad.
The boys and I did the picture thing, got a frozen yogurt and headed back to the house. By the time I got there Princess had been picked up by her momma, who got off work early. So being baby-free, we headed off to the movies to celebrate BF's bday by watching Thor in 3D.
Sunday, Princess was dropped off early in the morning again and I got her ready and took her to church with me. Where they all gush over her too. Then it was back to BF's house for a Mother's Day lunch with him and his extended family. They were a little shocked to see me walk in the door with a baby in a carrier. I think they were very confused.
The boys and I spent the rest of the day at BF's house just hanging out. We went home around 8:30pm where we settled down for the night and Princess was picked up at 9:30pm.
We were all worn out from a day of fun. Sleep came easily to all of us. So easily as a matter of fact, I didn't call my OWN mother and wish her Happy Mother's Day after Princess left (like I had planned to). So I had better make a really apologetic call today. Thank heavens I have 4 other sisters who probably didn't drop the ball like I did!
BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY
I was thankful for the time with Princess and baby B this weekend. It consumed my attention so I didn't shed any tears of loss and grief for my dear sweet Brit, who was distinctly missing from the weekend festivities.
I have made up my mind that Birthmother's Day is too painful for me right now. I love that people use it to acknowledge the multitude of birthmothers who have chosen adoption for their children. But it is too hard for me because I am not acknowledged in any way as being Brit's birthmother. Neither on Birthmother's Day or Mother's Day. BF says nothing of it, and Brit's parents do not acknowledge it either.
Last year when that happened, I nearly had a breakdown. I had just given birth to Brit about 6 weeks before and the wound to my heart was deep and fresh. Compound the hormonal imbalance of being post-partum, with the fact that NO ONE acknowledged Brit's relationship to me during the Mother's Day weekend, I was a disaster.
So this year I prepared myself in advance. I had no expectations of acknowledgement. I knew that thoughts of Brit and how she was spending her mother's day would just be my own personal torture. Expectations met. I did send Brit's mom a mother's day card, telling her I am grateful she is the mother of Brit and wishing her a happy Mother's Day. I hope she received it and it brought her joy.
Thankfully I was so busy that I didn't dwell much on the loss of the day. I didn't cry. I laughed with my boys and enjoyed the present as it was.
But I would be lying if I said that I didn't pretend that the sleeping angel in my lap was the daughter I was missing.
I know this will get better. Maybe when Brit gets old enough, she will want to reach out to me on Mother's Day. That will sure be nice if she does.
So I will leave no on a happier note. My 18 year old son J thought this would be the best way to give me Mother's Day wishes.
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| My rearview as I took the kids to school this morning |
I guess I know what I will be doing tonight after work. Carwash here I come.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Being protective
Case in point, my reaction to comments here on my blog.
I love blogging because of the incredible network of people who reach out and offer advice and words of encouragement. Even if they are not someone from the adoption world.
I love that.
With the good comes the bad. And fortunately I have had very few negative comments here on my blog. I know I am lucky.
However, even comments meant to be supportive of my position sometimes stir up a response of defensiveness in me.
This time it came in the form of defensiveness about "my" adoptive parents.
Yes, I lament about wanting more of a relationship with them. I express hurt and pain. But just like a parent is protective of their child, I find myself becoming very protective of my a-parents too.
Almost all comments on my blog are lovely and supportive of both me and the parents of Brit. But occasionally one creeps in here that is not complimentary.
When that happens, my initial reaction is "Hey, don't you say negative things about my a-parents, you don't know their intentions or their heart!" Yes, I know, ironic considering this is the place where I speak longingly of how I wish they would reach out to me more.
But I love them. I love what they do provide to my child. I love who they are as people. I don't believe they do anything out of ill intentions. They are just like me. We are human, just trying to do the best we possibly can. We are Christians looking for God's guidance with a situation we don't have any experience dealing with.
They did not deceive me to get my baby. Their actions all make perfect sense. They are up front with me about why they feel like they do and why they act like they do. I don't have to speculate, because they have been honest in all communication with me and the BF.
They do not do one thing and say another. The unmet expections that I have had with them stem from the grey area that we left undefined prior to Brit's birth. I should have been more clear. When I said I wanted for us to have a family visit before the end of summer, I should have confirmed with them that they would be willing to do that. Instead I assumed that since they didn't say no, it would happen. But even if we had agreed to the visit, I still don't know if it would have happened, based upon the emotions they were feeling at that time.
We just didn't know what an adoption relationship would be like. And the strong feelings we would all have to work through.
To clear up some details, we had no formal agreement. Every interaction between Brit's parents and me is by our own free will. We had a private adoption with no agency involved. No social worker. No plan.
So we are navigating a path that none of the four of us know anything about. Both Brit's mom and I read lots of books before the adoption. Only speaking from my perspective, but when I read them, I found myself thinking, "That doesn't apply to US. We are all good friends. We can figure this out."
For the most part that is true. We still communicate. And I firmly believe we all love and respect each other. We simply see open adoption differently. I see it as an active relationship. I would describe their perspective as a passive relationship.
We just didn't know what it would really feel like when we all got home from the hospital. I would never ever judge Brit's mom's actions or reactions because she had just become a first time mom.
I remember what that was like and it is alot of guessing, crying, little sleep and an overwhelming feeling of love that you never even knew existed.
But what I don't have any experience with is what that would be like coupled with the knowledge that my joy came with the grief of another mother.
If the adoption would have been closed she would not have known. If she didn't care about me, it wouldn't have bothered her. She would have just been able to focus on her child.
But Brit's parents are good people. It did matter to them that my heart hurt. But they also needed to protect their own hearts. They had to deal with their feelings and emotions just like I had to deal with mine. Unfortuately, the way that they dealt with their emotions made mine worse. I don't believe they knew that. Neither one of us could read the mind of the other.
One of the comments I received talked about how adoption relationships take work, just like other relationships. The difficult part about adoption relationships is that there are few resources to help us navigate through them. Very few of us have ever seen an example of an open adoption (until we enter into one ourselves and we seek those out here in the cyber world!). Global Librarian was right on the money with those thoughts. So very true.
I also appreciated the comments from Faith about how we shouldn't judge the a-parents just because I want a relationship that looks a certain way, and Brit's parents might not.
She is also very right to that point.
They have every "right" to feel like they do, just like I have every "right" to my own feelings.
I think it is very encouraging that we all can say how we are feeling to each other. I am so glad I don't have an agency that we are working through. Sure, maybe it would have been easier sometimes, but I want a REAL relationship with Brit's parents. And that means having easy and tough conversations directly with each other.
If Brit's parents were to ever contact me or BF and say that they have decided that they want one visit per year and quarterly emails with pictures, then I will honor that decision. I will wish for more, but I chose them as the parents of Brit. They get to decide. Just like Brit will get to decide later if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me and BF. I wish I could be part of that decision, but as we all know, birthparents have no legal recourse. By design. It is unfortunate, but I understand completely why it is this way.
I recognize that my situation is a bit unique. Most birthmothers are not over 35, parenting other children, financially sound and without addiction issues. I am not the stereo-typical birthmom. However, I have found that there are others like me. Birthmothers can be your neighbor.
I believe that a very open adoption relationship would be very healthy for all of us. We live close. We are all stable adults. We share the same faith. And from my research, children in very open adoptions are well adjusted and are less likely to describe their adoption situation as a negative experience.
I don't want Brit to ever have negative feelings about the way her family was created. I want her to feel special. We chose her parents so she could have the very best. I want to be a part of her life so she doesn't wonder and so the story is always clear. I want her to experience knowing both families her entire life.
I believe this would be the best situation for Brit, but what makes me the expert? I think I know what would be best, but maybe I don't. I certainly believe that not all adopted children in closed adoptions harbor ill feelings or will be poorly adjusted adults. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption relationship and he has no ill feelings toward any of his parents.
But I must trust that God's hand is in this relationship. If it weren't such a personal story that belongs to Brit's parents, I would share how they came into our lives and how perfect God's timing was in both Brit's parents journey to become parents, and our journey to find parents for Brit. There are no coincidences here. God orchestrated something that we could not have planned even if we tried.
I am fortunate to have chosen parents who I know have a faith in God like I do. They do not make rash decisions. They prayerfully consider what is best for their family.
So here is the peace that I have come to. This belongs to God. Brit is loved and cared for. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. And my desires to have more connection to her and her family are for Him to orchestrate once again.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
PS - Thank you everyone for the comments both positive and negative. It is so good for me to hear and see differening perspectives on this topic. It has made me more understanding and increased my compassion for everyone in the adoption triad. I appreciate each comment for the value it adds.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Giving it to God
And it is painful. Painful to the point of shutting down. Completely. I found myself thinking that I just have to let go of the "birthmom" role for right now. Otherwise I might go completely crazy. (Or crazier, depending on who you talk to.)
The story is complicated on two levels. My relationship with Brit's parents and my relationship with Brit's birthfather (BF).
Today I only have the energy to address the relationship with the parents.
Brit's parents found the blog.
I had a suspicion in the back of my mind because I have the FeedJit tracker on my blog and I saw a local inquiry from the town that one of them works in. I knew that something had to be up with that. I was not worried and was quite honestly perfectly OK with it. I believe in being honest, and that is what this blog is.
All of my usual blog visitors are adoption triad members from all over the country, but none are local to me. I have one sister who knows about the blog and just the other day I finally told my mom. I had told BF about the blog a month or two ago, but he has never visited it. He chooses not to deal with anything that might cause him to feel uncomfortable, so I am not surprised that he had no interest in reading it. (That issue is a post for later.)
After Brit's parents found the blog, they decided to call me and BF to set up a time where we could all sit down and talk about it. We each got a separate call and between the 4 of us found a time that would work.
We met last weekend at a restaurant. Just the four of us. We had good, casual conversation throughout dinner. Then after we were done eating we addressed the white elephant that was in the room.
I am not great about remembering exact words. But to generalize the conversation...
The blog was painful for them because they read it through the lens of being the parents who are referenced here. And while the things that I have said about them were not upsetting to them (or not that they mentioned), they were hurt by some of the comments of others. I think that they felt unfairly portrayed because their thoughts and actions are only presented from my viewpoint. But they understood completely why I blog, and they realize that this blog was to be therapeutic for me, and not to be viewed by them.
We talked and it became apparent that we are on two very separate wave lengths in regard to openness in our adoption.
It was clear that their family and friends are not supportive of them having continued contact with us. So the contact they do have with us, they feel is adequate and it meets what they believed our relationship would be. They feel like they have to defend continuing a relationship with us. I get the impression that is uncomfortable for them.
It was clear that their family and friends are not supportive of them having continued contact with us. So the contact they do have with us, they feel is adequate and it meets what they believed our relationship would be. They feel like they have to defend continuing a relationship with us. I get the impression that is uncomfortable for them.
We addressed how I have felt abandoned by Brit's mom because she no longer interacts with me like she did during my pregnancy. Brit's mom explained that she had to pull away from me when they brought Brit home because she needed to feel like Brit was her child and not mine. And she thought that continued contact with me would keep her from being able to bond because all she would focus on was my grief from relinquishment.
They mentioned that I routinely address what I want for openness in our adoption here on this blog. I give examples of beautiful open adoption relationships and how beneficial they are for everyone involved.
Their feeling is that for every very open adoption relationship that exists, there is a case to be made for semi-open adoption and how it is beneficial for adoptive parents and the child. It was at this point that I realized that we view open adoptions very differently.
Brit's mom said something that cut me to the core even though she thought what she was saying was nice (and I know it was intended that way). She said that after our first visit with Brit she went back home and said to the dad, "that was nice, we should try to do that once a year".
There are two reasons that was extremely hurtful to me. The first being, I desperately want more that one visit with Brit per year. It would be so very easy for us to have more visits since we live about 15 minutes from them.
The second reason that statement hurt, was because I heard those words in my mind as "I think it would be really nice of us if we allow BF and Lisa see Brit once a year." As if it was a privilege that we are being granted by them.
Now I need to stop and say, I know that is only my perception and not at all what she said. I was, and still am, very hyper sensitive about this topic. I want more visits, and it was clear that they would be fine with few if any. So what she said was completely misconstrued in my head. But how I felt is how I felt.
So when I say that I felt like I was an undeserving recipient of a privilege they were granting me, that is not fair to Brit's parents, because they certainly didn't say that. I just felt that way. Please no hateful comments about how I twisted her words.
And while on that topic. I need to be clear about how the parents treat us and the things that they say. Both mom and dad are always very clear that they appreciate that we have entrusted our child to them. They repeatedly mention that they will be forever thankful for that, and that they pray for us regularly.
Never have I been treated disrespectfully. Nor have they uttered an unkind word to me.
Now, back to the dinner.
I tried my very best (through tears) to describe how I would like to see our relationship. I clearly stated that I have no expectation of monthly visits. Nor do I need to have a rigid visit schedule. But what I do want is to feel like we are a family friend. I don't just want a relationship with Brit. I want a relationship with all of them. Even the two new babies. They are all important to me.
I explained how when this adoption happened, they became a part of my extended family, whether they knew it or not.
My family brings people into our fold very easily. No relation required. We love and include all kinds of people as if they are family. For example, my ex-husband's first wife became a close friend of mine. She is now considered one of my sisters. When we do Christmas gift exchanges, she is one of the girls. I love that. Every holiday event we have, there is always someone who is not a blood or marriage relative in attendance. My sisters, mom, me and our children all love easily and quickly. We will bring anyone in with us.
So with that kind of personality and history, when Brit's mom and I got to know each other during my pregnancy, I am sure I just assumed she was coming into the fold. That was never their intention. That is not how their family works, so that is unusual for them. Completely fair. I can see where my expectations about this were unrealistic.
I explained to them that my sister had just asked me the other day if she could invite them to her son's first birthday party because my nephew is just two weeks younger than Brit so we were all pregnant together. My sister thought it would be fun to have them join us with Brit.
That would be a completely normal occurrence for my family. So while most families would find that odd, it would be wonderful to us. We love freely and include everyone.
In explaining my ideal relationship with them, I told Brit's parents that I especially want to be the mom's friend. I want her to feel comfortable enough that she would call me and just chat. Or comfortable enough that I could give her a call or text and it wouldn't be a big deal.
I told them that I don't even expect monthly emails. Instead, I wish that when something adorable happens she would include me in any email or text that she might send to her own family.
This is another area where we realized that we are very different.
I am an over-communicator. Nothing is off limits. I am not private. My world is an open book. I have 1,250 Facebook friends. Everyone in town knows my business because I am in PR, sit on a multitude of committees, live and work in this same small town I have lived in since high school. I give lots of public presentations. I love public speaking and everyone knows it. I write often and easily. So I send lots of emails and I include tons of information. My life is on the go at every sporting event in town, chasing my boys who are very athletically gifted. I know lots of people.
Brit's parents are more private. They are most comfortable at home. They don't call many people. Brit's mom told me that I receive more pictures of Brit than most of her family members. They have a few close friends. They like it like that.
To try to describe the type of relationship I hope we someday have, I gave the example that if they were taking Brit and the babies to the zoo one day, I would love it if they called and asked if we wanted to join them. Something completely casual and easy.
Brit's mom said she had never considered a relationship like that before.
I also let them know that we have 5 boys who are desperate to meet Brit. They ask us all the time when they will get to see her. I told them that I would really like for them to have the mystery removed and let them have a relationship with her so they can have peace with the fact that they have a sister who lives somewhere else with a different set of parents.
BF did chime in often during this conversation and the one thing that he said that I completely agree with, (but for reasons other than why he believes it), "It doesn't matter what other people's adoption relationships look like, we want to do what is right for OUR relationship."
I also give him great credit for repeatedly telling the parents that we believe they are wonderful parents to Brit, and we are glad they are the parents we didn't think we could be. We both were very clear with them that we love them, even though we are working through these painful relationship issues.
By the time we got to the end of the conversation, they said they would go home and think and pray about what we had talked about. Which was a huge blessing to me. I am so grateful that they are willing to at least consider something more. So many birthmoms would do anything to have adoptive parents say that to them. I know I am lucky.
We were all completely spent by the time the conversation ended. The intensity of what was said was hard for me, so I am sure that it had to be very difficult for them since I am used to candid, even painful conversations and they are much more reserved.
I think the things that are hardest for me to process from this meeting are:
- We have very different ideas about what our adoption relationship should look like. Brit's parents believe they are honoring what they said we agreed to, which was regular emails. I don't recall that as a conversation, but I won't argue it. I was pregnant and who knows what I thought or said. I do however remember mentioning a summer get together with them, Brit and my family and they never objected. I also recall us specifically stating that we were going to evaluate our relationship as we went along because none of us knew how this would work.
- Their family and friends are not supportive of an open adoption, which will make this even harder for them.
- The things that make them most comfortable and me most comfortable are very different. They intend to always tell Brit that she is adopted, but not necessarily to make a relationship with us a priority. I want Brit to always know us so she has the least impact from being adopted as possible.
- BF wants the same type of openness in our relationship with Brit's parents, but he just wants it to happen. He is perfectly fine just waiting to see if it does. I want all of us to be deliberate.
- Things changed. For all of us. I need more connection to them than I am getting. They don't. We are at a point of re-negotiation of our relationship. And what I believe is best for Brit, is not necessarily what they believe. Since they are her parents, they get to decide. I feel like I have to plead my case.
- Compromise will be difficult for all of us. We are all having to consider that our relationship with each other may be different than what we want individually. All of us will experience some level of being uncomfortable.
I cry when I read the posts from many of you who are worried about why your birthmoms are pulling away. It makes me want to scream and say, "I would be that birthmom you want for your child, I want that too!".
When I read many of your hopeful adoption blogs, I feel your incredible waiting pain. Mine is completely different, because I am on the other side. But the wait is brutal. We all want something that we don't currently have. It hurts so badly.
I get comments from time to time that remind me to consider how hard this is for the adoptive parents. My blog is very birthmother focused and not very adoptive parent focused.
To my defense, I am a birthmom. I see and feel through the experiences of a mother who relinquished a child for adoption. That is the only experience I have, and I am living it. I am not on the other side. I am knee deep in grief.
As a birthmother I think about how all of this would have been so much easier if I would have just chosen to parent in spite of my circumstances.
And if I had to guess, I would think my thoughts are similar to those of adoptive parents when they think this would be so much easier if this child was biologically theirs and they didn't have to deal with all of the complicated emotions and situations that adoption presents for everyone, including the child.
I even have the same terrible thoughts when I walk past teen moms who are single and living in extraordinary poverty, still parenting a child. I completely get what couples who are experiencing infertility must feel when they see the same situations.
I think, I have financial stability, a career, parenting experience and yet, I chose not to raise my own child. And look at her! She has none of those things and she kept her baby. It's not fair. I have extreme pain because I miss my child so much it makes my heart literally ache. And I did this to myself and to my daughter just because I wanted perfect for her. Was having two married parents really that important?
And I know what infertile couples battle when they see the same thing. It is the same repugnant thoughts, but very much similar to mine. Why was she blessed with a child when we weren't? We possess everything a child could want or need, why is this so unfair?
We are all human. Adoption brings out both the best and worst in all of us.
I am encouraged by many of your blogs as you talk about refocusing your thoughts and desires to those that would be pleasing to God. That was the final revelation I came to after the conversation.
This is not something that I can or should control. I shouldn't try to change it on my own power. My focus is entirely selfish. God is not pleased with those thoughts. I need to marinade in the same verse many of you take solace in.
Jeremiah 29-11-14
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 1
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 1
This is now in God's hands. Brit's parents now clearly know the desire of my heart. And I know where they stand.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My response
OK, I have had a while to think about the previous comment left here about my adoption story and there are just a few things I would like to address just to make sure my position is clear.
I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.
But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.
First, it began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read. The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother. Followed by this very interesting statement:
"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."
I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place?
In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced. In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life. In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family. And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.
I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother. I asked one time to see the child. They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it. I have never asked again. The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.
"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."
This blog is about me and my feelings. I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them. These are not letters to Brit's parents. This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings. Right or wrong. They are my feelings.
The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything. I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart. I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.
I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief. I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship. Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me. But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me. And I in return told them how I felt. They did not intend to hurt me. And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.
I have always owned my own grief. I was not coerced into an adoption plan. I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently. I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement. I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster. But the past is just that. Now we must look forward.
Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them. I save the grief dumping for here. This began as a private blog that no one read. Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers. Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place. All other followers are from states far from me. Not even my family knew about this blog. It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief. And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.
The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.
"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.
You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."
I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel. I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents. The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog. This is where I think out loud and wish for something different. If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point. I do none of those things.
I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth. I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents. We intended to maintain our friendship with them. I had no reason to believe that would change.
Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother. And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.
The rest of the comment is just mean spirited. It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents. I never speak ill of them. I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.
If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance. But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family. In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.
I did not choose an anonymous family for my child. I chose her parents specifically because they were like us. We got along great. They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.
I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother. We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship. She met my children. We have many commonalities. She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter. And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.
The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.
"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "
She did get one thing right. I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child. I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother. I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.
IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.
Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about. This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message. I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful. I love the things she had to say. They are very true.
"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.
My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.
You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.
And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.
And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.
Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."
The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones. I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan. I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time.
That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now. But I couldn't. And they are. Brit benefits.
I never had any intention of being a co-parent. I am not Brit's parent. But I love her. And I want a relationship with her. It will not be like her relationship with her mom. That special place belongs to her mom. But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents. It is just different than being her parent.
I want to be their family friend. I want to share in the joys of Brit's life. I don't expect that I will be there for all of them. But I want to celebrate them just the same. Even if it is at a distance most of the time. I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew. I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy. I try to spend as much time as possible with him. But I am not his mother. However, I love him like crazy anyway. I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking. I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.
I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family. I want us to be real to her. I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.
I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything. I want her to have everything that is available to her. Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.
I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.
I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can. I have always wanted only the best for her. And I hope that is exactly what she receives.
I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.
But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.
First, it began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read. The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother. Followed by this very interesting statement:
"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."
I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place?
In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced. In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life. In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family. And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.
I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother. I asked one time to see the child. They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it. I have never asked again. The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.
"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."
This blog is about me and my feelings. I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them. These are not letters to Brit's parents. This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings. Right or wrong. They are my feelings.
The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything. I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart. I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.
I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief. I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship. Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me. But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me. And I in return told them how I felt. They did not intend to hurt me. And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.
I have always owned my own grief. I was not coerced into an adoption plan. I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently. I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement. I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster. But the past is just that. Now we must look forward.
Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them. I save the grief dumping for here. This began as a private blog that no one read. Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers. Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place. All other followers are from states far from me. Not even my family knew about this blog. It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief. And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.
The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.
"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.
You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."
I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel. I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents. The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog. This is where I think out loud and wish for something different. If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point. I do none of those things.
I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth. I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents. We intended to maintain our friendship with them. I had no reason to believe that would change.
Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother. And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.
The rest of the comment is just mean spirited. It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents. I never speak ill of them. I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.
If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance. But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family. In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.
I did not choose an anonymous family for my child. I chose her parents specifically because they were like us. We got along great. They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.
I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother. We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship. She met my children. We have many commonalities. She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter. And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.
The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.
"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "
She did get one thing right. I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child. I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother. I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.
IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.
Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about. This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message. I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful. I love the things she had to say. They are very true.
"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.
My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.
You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.
And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.
And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.
Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."
The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones. I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan. I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time.
That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now. But I couldn't. And they are. Brit benefits.
I never had any intention of being a co-parent. I am not Brit's parent. But I love her. And I want a relationship with her. It will not be like her relationship with her mom. That special place belongs to her mom. But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents. It is just different than being her parent.
I want to be their family friend. I want to share in the joys of Brit's life. I don't expect that I will be there for all of them. But I want to celebrate them just the same. Even if it is at a distance most of the time. I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew. I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy. I try to spend as much time as possible with him. But I am not his mother. However, I love him like crazy anyway. I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking. I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.
I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family. I want us to be real to her. I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.
I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything. I want her to have everything that is available to her. Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.
I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.
I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can. I have always wanted only the best for her. And I hope that is exactly what she receives.
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