Clueless

I woke up crying.  I am so very sad and my heart is hurting.  I know it is a culmination of many reasons.  Kind of a perfect storm on the emotional front.

Today Brit is 11 months old.  One month away from her first birthday. Hopefully I will get an update today from her parents.  The thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I wish that sending a monthly update was not chore for them.  I wish they felt comfortable enough to share things with me as they happen so that our relationship was more casual instead of like a requirement of the complex relationship. 

I wish my relationship with them was like it is with my sisters and their families.  I get a quick picture of my nephews when  they do something cute.  Or my sisters will mention in passing how their little guys are now walking with the furniture or getting a new tooth.  It is not obligation.  It is heartfelt sharing.  Maybe someday my relationship with Brit's parents will more resemble that.

But now here is what is really hurting my heart these days.  And only girls will understand this because it is a "my feelings are hurt" thought. 

I need to make a more permanent living arrangement for the boys and me.  We currently live with a very close friend and share expenses with her because she was laid off from her job and she needed a roommate to help her stay in her house.  She and I get along very well, and honestly I would have no problem staying there indefinitely.  But the boys want their own space where we don't share a kitchen or living room with someone else.  I understand that.

So I have been looking at potential places for us to move to.  And just this week I found a townhouse that seems to be absolutely perfect for us.  I think the boys will love it.  That is the good news.

But here is why this is upsetting to me.  My boyfriend C and I have been together almost two years now.  We have had a child together.  We have 4 boys who are all about the same age who get along marvelously.  And yet, the very few times that we have ever had a conversation about our future together, C said that he is scared of commitment and wants us to just keep dating like we have been.  He needs to take things slow because he was hurt by his divorce.  And I can understand that.  But as a girl, what I hear is that he wants me to be the indefinite girlfriend.  He gets the benefits that come with having a long-term girlfriend, without the commitment.   

When I told him that wasn't going to work for me long term, he said that he was going to try to start wrapping his mind around what it would be like to have our families blend a little more, because he does love me.  And then maybe he would think about us moving in after he finished the basement. 

I let him know that just living together is not going to work for me either.  I am not ever going to move the boys and me into a home where I am not married to the man we live with.  It is not a good example, and if I am going to live with a man, I want to know he is legally committed to me and my family.  He just listened and seemed to understand.  He had no response at all.

I have watched as several of my friends have gotten engaged in the past few months.  They are going to marry someone who they have been with a shorter amount of time than C and I have been.  And the girl in me is jealous.  And hurt.  It makes me feel like I am not a good enough "catch" that someone wouldn't want to commit to me.  Especially after all we have been through in the past 2 years.

My kids constantly ask when C and I are going to get married.  They want for all of us to be a family.  It is hard for me to explain to them when I want the same answers myself.  My friends ask why we don't live together. They all wonder what is wrong with C that he would not recognize that he really does have a good deal with me. 

So back to the townhouse situation.  I found the perfect place for us to live.  And I will sign a one-year lease next week.  I told C about it.  He was happy for me and the boys.  He told me that it will be great that we will have our own place.  We agreed that the boys will be happier there.

But neither of us states the obvious.  I am committing to another year of living alone.  And he is happy for that.  I can't help but wonder if he actually breathed a sigh of relief when I told him.  I had just bought him even more time.

I feel rejected and unloved. 

Now here is the icing on the cake... The other day C mentioned to me that he will be in Vegas next month for a trade show with work.  He thought I might like to fly out and join him for a couple of days of it.  So let's guess when those dates are?... Yep, it is over Brit's birthday.  The one year anniversary of the event that changed my entire life.  The most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  And he didn't even acknowledge it as a time of any significance.

Needless to say, I am not going to go.  I do not want to be in Vegas (it would be my first trip there ever) when all I am thinking about is the missing piece of my heart who is celebrating her first birthday.

I am going to stay home, in my new house, alone.  And I plan to cry.  Mourning the loss that has changed my entire life.  And I guess I will reflect about why I am sitting there alone.

Today I want someone to hold me.  To tell me that I am special and that we will get through this time together.

But instead I am writing a blog entry sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face.  Isn't amazing how we can feel so alone, even in a building full of people?

((sigh))