The others

I am now 5 days post visit and today for the first time I feel like I am a functioning part of society.  I have not cried yet today.  (There is still time.)

First of all, the visit was perfect.  Brit was amazing.  Her parents were kind and seemed at ease.  They encouraged Brit to interact with us, and they stayed out of the way so we could have as much interaction with her as possible.  That was so nice.

When I think about the visit, it truly was a great time.

Here is what clouds what should be post-visit euphoria.  I have no idea when we will be granted another opportunity like it.  The couple of hours we were given with Brit may be the only we get for a year (if they continue to make this a 'birthday visit' like it appears their historical visit offerings have been).

It is so hard to understand.  The time we spend together was great.  Casual, nice and comfortable.

If you were to have been a fly on the wall you would have thought we are all good friends just hanging out for the day.

On Monday, BF and I sent an email thanking them for the visit and attached some of the pictures.  And the response to the email... silence.

Not a single word.

I just don't understand.

We are left to guess.  As a family we talk about how nice the visit was.  The kids agreed.  And followed it up with "too bad we don't get to see her more than just once".

We live in a world of mystery on our end.  We have asked to discuss our adoption relationship with them, with the same response.  Nothing.

I cannot press the issue.  I have to be the respectful and grateful birth mother.  I am to appreciate what we are given.  Not push for more.

"Don't rock the boat so that they pull back completely."

If this was a true 'relationship' I think a counselor would mention that it is unhealthy how we do not discuss the big elephant standing in the middle of the room.

We all love the same child.

However, one family holds all the power of allowing another family access to a relationship with this child.  And they can yield this power however they see fit.  No explanations required.  No common courtesy necessary.

The 'others' just get what they get.

I wish I wasn't one of the 'others'.

The visit

The visit went really well.  Brit is absolutely perfect.  Her parents were kind and gracious and seemed very at ease.  They only brought Brit and not the twins so the little ones didn't get into everything.

We loved every minute of the visit.

Not in a place right now where I feel like sharing how it made me feel, so here is what you want anyway, some pictures.

A visit is scheduled!

We have received word that Brit and her family will head to our house this Sunday for a visit!

Our visit last year.

We are all beside ourselves with excitement.  The boys are so overjoyed.  My two have both prayed every night for the past year that Brit's parents would allow them to see their sister and they finally feel like they are getting an answer to that prayer with this visit.

I am sure that Brit's parents are extremely anxious about how this will go.  I know that it is making me nervous just thinking about it.  The expectations are so high for me.  This visit represents an entire year of yearning for this moment.

BF and Brit checking out the backyard.

I want to be able to take in everything about her.  I can't wait to hear her voice.  To see her run.  To watch her play.  To hold her (if she lets us).

There is so much to take in.  And such a short amount of time.

And knowing that history has shown that we won't likely see her again for another year, to know that these two hours are the only in person memories we will have to get us through another year...

Maybe this will help change things a little bit.  Maybe her parents will see that allowing her to interact with us is not scary, but nice.

Please pray hard for this visit.  As my dear friend Michelle prayed last week before her visit with her daughter (whom she had not seen since she was 7 months old), pray that everyone gets what they need from this visit.

God knows what the very best outcome would be from this time together.  He has the ultimate foresight and understanding.

Taking a road trip

BF and I are taking the boys on a road trip starting tomorrow.  We really hoped we could make it a weekend get away, but with all the sports the boys play, that will NEVER happen.  Turns out it will only be an overnight, but at least we are making the effort.

The big boys and BF will watch a couple of Big 12 basketball games Friday night, while I keep the little boys at Great W.olf Lo.dge where they will play in the water park.  We may even pop over to Dave and Bu.sters for a game night as we wait for the big ones to get back to the hotel (which will be LATE).

I don't know if they are more excited about the trip or if they are just excited because they get a day off school.  Probably a little of both.

Now, if we can just talk one of the big boys into skipping his 9:30am soccer game so we don't have to leave at 6:00am Saturday morning to get back in time!!!!  Even if he agrees, we have to be back for a 12:30 baseball game, a 1:00 soccer game and another baseball game at 3:30.  No rest for us!!!

As for the adoption world, still waiting to hear back from Brit's parents about the possibility of a pre-birthday visit with them.  Hopefully they agree and it can happen really soon.  Her birthday is the 25th which appears to be quickly approaching.

And for the record, March is a tough month for my heart.  Lanman, D and Brit all have birthdays in March, just days apart.  It is bittersweet to celebrate with the boys and not be able to have a birthday celebration with Brit.

Someday...

The update arrived - cuteness enclosed

Our update arrived in our inboxes like clockwork Saturday night.  As always, Brit's dad gave a beautifully detailed update full of funny Brit stories.  Seriously, his email updates crack me up.  I read them over and over again and I chuckle every time.

It appears she is finally getting some hair, which is about time, considering her 2nd birthday is a month away.  I love the beautiful blonde locks.

In an effort to acknowledge more of the things I am thankful for with my adoption relationship, I must say that in addition to the great monthly email stories, I am grateful that they send great snapshots of Brit.  They are all casual and fun.  The pictures make me smile.  It is great to see Brit in her environment, playing and smiling.  Sometimes she has food on her face, and almost always she is barefoot.  I think those are the greatest pictures because they are real life.

Now, a special request...

For those of you who pray for me, I would ask a specific prayer.

Last year we were granted a visit with Brit around this time of her birthday.  We have reason to believe we will get another one this year too.

My prayer request is that we would be allowed to have our boys involved in the visit this year.  Last year we were specifically asked not to have the boys at the house when they came over so Brit was not overwhelmed.

This year we are hopeful that they do not again share this concern and instead welcome our children meeting their little sister.

Please pray that this will be the case.

Thanks to everyone and your support and encouragement.  I am thankful for every kind word.

And for my absolute favorite, 

which I call "I HATE PIG TAILS!"

Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!

It's almost here

The big visit is this Sunday!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  And as it approaches I am getting nervous.  I just want it to be perfect.

I want Brit to be happy and not scared.  I want her parents to feel comfortable.  I want them to walk away from this visit thinking, 'we should do this more often because it was nice'.

I am so hopeful for this visit.  We have her birthday gifts purchased (super pumped about them), the meal is planned and now we just have to wait.

Hopefully my Sunday evening post will be full of joy.

6 days until our first visit!

I am so excited and anxious.  We are 6 days away from our first "real" visit with Brit and her parents.  I can hardly wait!!!

I have been praying for Brit's mom.  I hope that she has a peace about this visit.  I know how she has struggled with being an adoptive mom.  And I also know she is a worrier.  So my guess is that she is probably anxious about this first visit.

I wish I could call and tell her how excited I am to see all of them.  I miss the relationship we all used to have.  I want to be able to sit and laugh and chat like we used to.

Please pray that our visit will go very well and that when Brit and her parents leave they will have a peace with our relationship and their role as her parents.

I am hopeful, excited, and nervous all at once.



This is the last time C and I held Brit.



So much to think about and do

I am still dancing in air thinking about the visit next Sunday.  I want it to be here already.  But I keep thinking about how nervous Brit's mom must be.  Since she has the been the aprehensive one all along, I bet now that there is an actual date set it is probably even worse.

I hope that some day they will not feel obligated but instead excited to meet up with us.  And maybe I am assuming feelings that she may not be having.  Maybe she really is much better with all of this.  Just knowing how she acted prior to Brit's birth, I think she is probably worrying.

Today I am thinking about what we will buy little Brit for her first birthday, which we will celebrate during her visit.  Her brithday is the 25th.  Hard to believe it has been a year ago!

I have already bought her two books and a Veggie Tales movie.  C wants to get her a Leap Pad (or whatever it is called), but it says it's for ages 2-4.  Brit is very advanced, but I still think she may not have the coordination needed for a toy like that.

I want C and me to go shopping for her gift together.  At Christmas he and I each bought Brit gifts, but we did it separate from each other.  I would like for this to be different.

In addition to all the excitement with the Brit visit, I also have a few other really big things happening this week. 

1. I am supposed to get a court reccomendation about custody of my two little boys on Friday.  Their dad filed for primary custody of them so he wouldn't have to pay child support. (Which he has never paid in the two years we have been divorced. I never requested any until this past November when I realized I am paying 100% of the kids expenses and he has never helped.  And his response to that request was to file for custody.  That has been a huge financial drain on this single momma.  $3,500 already spent on legal fees.  I expect probably another $2,000 before we are done. Yuk.)
2. L has a two hour baseball practice Friday evening.
3. I move to a new townhouse on Saturday.  Finally a place of our own for the boys and me with a bedroom for everyone. I just hate moving.
4. L has a basketball tournament on Saturday. D has a Young Marines new recruit meeting right before L's first game. (Who knew a 9 year old boy would want to do that?  I didn't even know such an organization existed until we saw a booth about them at a local air show.)



Mom and L (the soon to be 12 year old!)

5. L's 12th birthday is Sunday - We are postponing a party with his friends until the 26th because of the move.  However, he still wants to go play video games at the arcade with his brothers that day.
6. I get to particiapte in the interview process for a new Children's Ministry Director after church on Sunday.

It hardly seems like there is enough time in a single weekend for all of it.  Then follow it up with the excitement of a visit with Brit the following week!

I will take things one at a time.

I am so glad I have something so great to look forward to!

Finally!!!!

The date has been set.  We are all getting together for lunch next Sunday.  I have butterflies in my tummy!

I am so very excited.  Not only will I get to see Brit, but hopefully I can repair the relationship I used to have with her momma.

I miss having her as a friend like we were during my pregnancy.

I AM SO EXCITED!!

Still waiting

I have neglected the blog for over a week. But I wanted to wait until I could announce when we were going to get to meet Brit.

However, that hasn't happened yet.  I asked my boyfriend (such a strange term for a man who is almost 39), if he had heard back from Brit's dad, but he hasn't.  He assured me this is OK, because Brit's dad is a basketball coach and he is super busy right now.

I asked the boyfriend (herein after referred to as BF), what he and the dad talked about on the phone.  I wish boys weren't so hard to get information from!!!  You have to drag every single word out of them.  Or at least the ones I know.

Anyhow, some of the things he told me that stuck in my head.  Most significant of them all was when he met the dad at Christmas time and gave him the presents that we had bought for Brit, the dad told him that several times he has wanted to tell Brit's mom that she needs to quit worrying about whether or not I want to take Brit back.  The dad told BF that he often wants to just say out loud, "they signed the papers, there is nothing they can do to take her back."

I guess in the back of my mind, I probably knew that this was a possible thought that she might be having during this time that she has not communicated with us, but that was the first time I had heard it out loud.  (Side note: WHY DIDN'T BF TELL ME THIS IN DECEMBER?!?!?)

We talked about several things, one that made me cry which I will share later.  But here is what I was most struck by.

BF (I guess that could even stand for birthfather - just thought of that!), is really excited about being able to see Brit.  He talked about what he would like to see our future look like with her.  How he hopes our relationship changes.  His dreams for transparency and intimate contact with her parents.

This is the same man who never even speaks of OUR future together.  As a matter of fact, today when I asked him point blank about what his plans are for "us" he walked over, kissed me and said, "let's find some night this week when we don't have kids and talk about it".

Does that scream fear of commitment?

I digressed. 

Anyway, he is so excited about the possibilities that opening up our adoption could offer.  The things he was saying are all things I feel but never say out loud to him because I know it makes him terribly uncomfortable when I get upset about Brit and how much I miss her.  So instead I just don't talk to him about it at all.  Yes, I know, not healthy.

So even if the visit doesn't happen as soon as I would like it to, at least I know there is someone else who wants it as badly as I do.

So like so many of the endings I give to my posts.  I will wait.

God is teaching me patience.  I don't want to LEARN patience, I want to be GRANTED patience.