Got our monthly update

So since the 25th was this past Saturday, we received our email update like clockwork.

We are so lucky that we get that.  It is so nice to hear a couple of paragraphs about what Brit is up to.

There was no mention of our letter or anything of any significance.  BF sent them a reply today thanking them for the email and the photos.

The wait continues.

But for now, the super cute photos that came attached to the email...

Surprisingly OK, I think...

Yesterday was the 25th and like clockwork, we got our monthly email around 9:30pm.  Brit's dad included 4 adorable pictures (which if you are my FB friend you have already seen).

His email was funny, as always.  I love the stories he tells about Brit.  I feel like I know a little bit more about her life every time I read an email he sends.

I wish I could share the emails with all of you.  Because if I did, I think any person who would read the them would assume we are all best of friends.  The emails are casual, kind, and offer a small picture into Brit's life.  Every email ends with Love, and he signs all of their names (even the babies).

It is so strange to me.  To get these kind emails that by all indications seem to show that our relationship is good, healthy and interactive in some way.

I suppose that is why it is hard to accept that when we email them back, our emails just go to the abyss.  Because it seems like when I email them, I am emailing a friend.

The same is true when I am at the grocery store and I run into Brit's dad (which has happened probably 5 different times with me, and probably 3 times with BF).  We stand there, chat, and never would you guess that there would be any unresolved issues between us.

There is so much more that I could expound upon here with regard to this strange dynamic, but that would not be my original point for this post.

Today I just wanted to post that I got the email, read it, saw the pictures and was able to move on, without any tears.  I didn't get t lump in my throat.  I simply read the email, enjoyed it, and moved on to the next thing.

THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

For some reason in my mind, I read that email and felt the kind feelings I have toward my sister when she shares photos with me of her son (who is the exact same age as Brit).  I was able to laugh, inspect the photos, and it did not cause me two steps backward.

It seems that while I don't like it, I have gotten to some level of acceptance of where this all stands right now. I suppose that is a good thing.  


So why does just typing that, make me cry?...

Maybe I'm not as OK as I think.

The photo on the end table

Dear Brit,

I want to start writing you letters so some day you can know how often I thought about you and so you won't have missing years from when you didn't have a relationship with us.  I hope I can keep up, but even if they are intermittent, at least there will be some.

Today I want to start with a letter to let you know how we remember you at our house.  Obviously, you are not a visitor to our home with any frequency. Since we only have gotten the opportunity to see you twice, we keep your visible presence with us the only way we have, and that is through pictures.

So I thought I would tell you about the picture of you on the end table in the living room.  It sits right next to the couch where BF and I sit to watch TV, work on the computer, and just generally relax.  The photo sits closest to where BF sits, because we always sit in the same spots. (When you get to know BF, you will realize that is common for him - he likes consistency.)

Each month your parents send us 3-4 pictures of you in an email.  The email tells us about your development and often your dad adds a funny story that I'm sure will embarrass you someday when you read them.  The photos they attach are usually from the previous month and they give us an idea of what you look like now.  As you can imagine, the change from one month to the next is amazing since you are still so young and little people grow so fast!

Generally, I make a collage from the pictures they send and I have it printed as an 8x10 photo.  I put the updated collage in the frame by the couch every month.  Usually I have the photo printed the very same day that we get the email from your parents, because I am always so excited to show your brothers the newest pictures of you.

But this month, I did something a little bit different.  Instead of a collage photo, I created an 8x10 of just one of your photos, which I also had printed as a black and white print.  It turned out amazing and looks absolutely beautiful in our living room.  Because it looked so good, I decided to do the same to another photo we got last month.  It too is gorgeous.

When I asked BF which one he wanted in the frame, he looked at them both and said that he loves both of them so he thought we should just alternate one picture per week.  I loved the idea.

Last night was the first time I switched to the second photo.  I grabbed the frame as we were all sitting down in the living room after a long night at the baseball field, and BF looked at me, smiled and said "Time to switch the picture?"  I nodded and switched it out and set it back on the table.

This picture is the most amazing close up of you smiling from ear to ear.  Because it is in black and white, it is very dramatic to see.  Once I set it back on the table I looked at your brothers and said, "Brit is watching you guys, look at her laugh!"

While we wish you were here with us more often than you are, at least we see your smiling face every day.  And know that it brings a smile to OUR faces.

We love you!

Normal

From many of the comments I have received and from reading other blogs I follow, I know that many of my birth mother friends know the emotional turmoil that comes post visit.

I am living that internal turmoil right now.

Vacillating between happiness from the memories of the visit, to the reality of knowing that we will not see sweet Brit again for a an undetermined amount of time.  The magnitude of that causes me to not be able to breathe for some moments.

I had a counseling appointment last week, which is always good.  It is a time where I can be brutally honest about my feelings without having to 'be nice'.  That is cathartic.

But the best coping mechanism has been being very busy with the boys and their activities.  That helps decrease thinking time.

Look carefully.  There is one little pigtail peeking out!

Brit's mom did finally send an email note about a week after our visit.  She thanked us for the gifts and attached two adorable pictures of Brit.

There was no mention of the visit, of Brit's birthday, or of anything of any substance.  No acknowledgement of anything I said in my email.  Which I suppose is completely normal.

Normal.

It's too bad that the minimum is what's now considered normal.

I want more than just normal.

The update arrived - cuteness enclosed

Our update arrived in our inboxes like clockwork Saturday night.  As always, Brit's dad gave a beautifully detailed update full of funny Brit stories.  Seriously, his email updates crack me up.  I read them over and over again and I chuckle every time.

It appears she is finally getting some hair, which is about time, considering her 2nd birthday is a month away.  I love the beautiful blonde locks.

In an effort to acknowledge more of the things I am thankful for with my adoption relationship, I must say that in addition to the great monthly email stories, I am grateful that they send great snapshots of Brit.  They are all casual and fun.  The pictures make me smile.  It is great to see Brit in her environment, playing and smiling.  Sometimes she has food on her face, and almost always she is barefoot.  I think those are the greatest pictures because they are real life.

Now, a special request...

For those of you who pray for me, I would ask a specific prayer.

Last year we were granted a visit with Brit around this time of her birthday.  We have reason to believe we will get another one this year too.

My prayer request is that we would be allowed to have our boys involved in the visit this year.  Last year we were specifically asked not to have the boys at the house when they came over so Brit was not overwhelmed.

This year we are hopeful that they do not again share this concern and instead welcome our children meeting their little sister.

Please pray that this will be the case.

Thanks to everyone and your support and encouragement.  I am thankful for every kind word.

And for my absolute favorite, 

which I call "I HATE PIG TAILS!"

Unbelievable

Had a busy weekend enjoying the 'new' relationship with BF.  Not sure where he found all of this attentiveness, but I LOVE it.  It is like dating a new man, but with 2.5 years of history together.  I almost hate to speak of it out loud for fear of jinxing it, but it has been so very nice.

So while sitting at one of D's football games this weekend, I receive a text message with photo from BF.  And what is the picture of?... BRIT!

Apparently her dad sent BF this picture of her playing in gma and gpa's backyard.  It is adorable.  But it is the fact that he sent it that is so overwhelming to me.

Brit's dad was thoughtful enough to send a quick text with a picture of Brit to us, unrequested and unexpected.  They have never ever sent us a picture via text before.  All of our correspondence has been via email and according to schedule (for the most part).

But yesterday, out of the blue, a cute picture of sweet little Brit playing in the dirt.  I wanted to cry tears of joy.

That is exactly what I have wanted.  To have the kind of relationship with them that they would automatically thing to share an adorable picture with us, for no other reason than because they know we would love it as much as they do.

Then to top off the evening, we also received an email from Brit's mom with photos of Brit from Halloween.  She sent us pictures, not according to schedule, but because she knew we would like to see them, in response to BF's email to them on Halloween.  She also sent a nice, quick message.

I cannot describe the joy it brought me.

It is amazing how much peace it also brought my distraught soul.  To have an interaction that appears to be friendly and sincere.  I can hardly stand how full it makes my heart feel.

Progress, in the right direction for once.

I am so very happy.

Today is the 25th - and I know what that means

I cry and greive because I want more relationship with my adoptive parents.  But let me say this loud and clear.  They are AWESOME about sending me a monthly update.  Always.  Without fail.  On the 25th of every month (Brit's birthday).

They now have twins at home.  Three children ages one and younger.  Yet they send an email update. Every single month. For 16 months.

How condsiderate is that?

Yeah, I know I want more.  But knowing what some of you birthmom's go through waiting for an update, I will celebrate this one area where I am so lucky.

Brit's paretns are very private people.  So I told them I would try to just share the pictures that they send me with my friends.  But I have to share this one.  Could this girl be any cuter?

She wants to feed the babies (her twin brother and sister), but Elmo will have to do for now.  Apparently they did let her try to feed one of the twins and she LOVED it.
She is so advanced.  And might I say stinkin' cute.

I just want to scoop her up and snuggle her.  Someday....

Until then, I will read and re-read her daddy's emails about what she is up to now.

How cool is it that her dad takes the time to write the updates?

Sweet baby girl.  I wish things were different.  But you are so very happy.  And really, since I can't change anything, I guess that is what I would want for you.

I love you Brit!

Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!