Openess in adoption as defined by my friends

It has been a while since I last posted here.  This blog has become a strange place for me, because it used to be a place where I would share my heart about MY story, but it has now changed to a place where I feel like I can talk about adoption, openness and loss, but not with personal anecdotes.

With that said, if you are a follower of this blog who wants to continue to follow my personal story it is now found on a private blog that is protected.  You can gain access by emailing me at lisaanne119@gmail.com and letting me know who you are and what your connection is to my blog or to adoption.  I do not intend to keep anyone out, but instead just protect our privacy by not allowing anyone who has intimate knowledge of our situation in real life.  Only select IRL friends have access to the blog so if you are someone who wants to continue to follow, don't hesitate to ask.

With that said, I know I say it over and over again, but one of the amazing things that has come from my adoption experience is the friendships I have developed with other mothers; mothers of loss, birthmothers who are in satisfying open adoptions, adoptees and surprisingly, the close relationships I have created with a couple of adoptive mothers.

Two of these friends are Amber at Bumber's Bumblings, and L at What Makes a Real Family. 

A couple of weeks ago, both responded to an Open Adoption Roundtable  that asked bloggers to post about what openness in adoption means to them.  My dear friend Amber has this to say in her post What is openness?  L also responded with her quick, but succinct answer What Openness Means to Me.

Both of these women embrace openness in adoption and because of that, they experience fullness of relationship.  Both relationship with their children and relationship with their children's extended families.  I love reading their stories.  I hope you can take time to read some of their posts too.  It is worth the time invested.

On a personal front, I am dealing with my adoption grief very well these days.  I am reading several books about open adoption.  I have contacted several people asking about adoption facilitators and referrals to ones in my area (haven't found one yet - let me know if you know anyone in Kansas please).  I have had a couple of my adoptive mom friend offer to fly here and try to sit down and talk with me and Brit's family.  (I told you I have great friends!)

I have also continued to tell myself that we are just a couple years into this process and I still have time to re-establish a relationship with our daughter and her family.

On her birthday two weeks ago, I was really struggling and BF kindly reminded me that her birthday is not a day to MOURN but a day to CELEBRATE her life.  And while her life is not shared by us, it will be some day.  He is right.  So I remind myself, SOMEDAY.

This is not where I expected to be.  This is not what I expected to be struggling through.  Adoption is not what I expected it to be.  The rainbows and unicorns never arrived for me.

But as I told a friend just this week - I AM BEING REFINED BY GOD FOR GREAT THINGS!

These difficulties and the pain will be worth it someday.  I must claim that.  Because otherwise the pain could be unbearable.

It is possible to love the whole family and not just the child

I have met some very amazing women since I became part of the adoption world.

Strong women.
Bold women.
Loving women.
Women willing to sacrifice their comfort for the sake of their children.

As you might guess, my favorite women (aside from my sisters in pain, birthmothers), are the mom's who get open adoption and why it is such a loving choice for their child.

Today, the first blog post I read is one that will stay with  me for a long time.  It was posted by my friend Brooke.  I was so glad to read it first thing.  It started my day right.

Choosing to Love More Than One

What Brooke doesn't tell you in this post is that she WORKS HARD to maintain this relationship with her child's first family.

I have watched Brooke reach out and be left waiting for a response for months.  Her daughters first family is sometimes hard to love.  But rather than give up, she LOVES HARD.

She doesn't give up.  It is not easy for her, but in the end, she has found that it is rewarding.  And her hope is that in the end, the person who will ultimately reap the benefit is their daughter.

Another blog I stopped by this morning also talks about loving a birthfamily, even when it hurts.  I love the honesty in this mom's posts about how sometimes it hurts her heart, but it's worth it.  I especially like one of her posts where she talks about how one of her child's birthfamily members has become one of her closest friends through this.

Tears of/and Joy

And as those who read my blog regularly know, this woman is one of my adoption world heroes.  She counsels prospective adoptive families about the beauty of open adoption. And boy does she live it!

Tell me how awesome her girls must feel knowing that at their house they count down the days until their birthmoms arrive for a visit.  What an example of unselfish love is this mother portraying!

Our journey to parenthood

When I look at the pictures on her blog and see her daughters curled up in the lap of their birthmother it makes me melt.

I wish we could get the world to realize that there are so many adopted children who would benefit from the fullness of open adoptions with their birthfamilies.  (Yes, I know there are some situations where it would be a complete detriment to the safety or well being of the child in the case of abuse or excessive addiction.)

But even beautiful relationships can come from adoptions that started as foster placements.  As displayed by the UBER AMAZING Rebecca Hawkes.  Her daughter's first mother had addiction issues that resulted in the removal of her children from her home.  Now Rebecca and her daughter's original mother work together to support women to parent.  And Ashley has the love of two moms.

Ashley's Moms

Open adoption is hard, because it is unselfish.

I am so glad that there are so many families who are willing to work through it, and in return they realize they have just opened themselves up to another family full of love.

Memorable quotes from this week

The trauma of what has gone down for our family this week has been great.  But what has been greater is the OUTPOURING of love and support.

Seriously.  You. People. Rock.

My heart is broken.  Yet you hold it together in your hands and tell me we can put it back together.

The amount of love and support has been AMAZING.  The private messages, the personal visits, the FB love.  All of it.  It makes me realize there is an entire community of people who love me, my family and who can appreciate the beauty of open adoption done well.

Thank you everyone.

But because I told myself I would not cry today if at all possible, I thought I would post some memorable quotes that have been said the last few days.  Some are funny, some are profound.  Some hurt.  But I think I am going to start keeping a log of quotes, because each of them means something to me.

Here we go...

"I think my toes are clausterphobic! I never wear closed toe shoes." -Brooke

"I swear to Mormon Jesus I will get in my car and come shank them." -Michelle (PS, This cracked me UP! And if someone thinks she is talking about them, don't worry, she live in Arizona and has no intentions of shanking anyone.  It was just an expression of love.)

"When relationships disintegrate, the devil is involved.  He wants nothing more than for relationships to go bad." -Pastor Rick (paraphrased, since I couldn't write fast enough as he preached.)

"I will treat others with kindness" -the main point I had to teach at Sunday School this week (yes, God is working on me!)

"I tried to put myself in the adoptive parent's shoes and see this from their perspective.  So I re-read your blog.  And I cried. I decided that if you were my daughter's birth mother, I wouldn't even hesitate, I would call you and say "How can we fix this?, Because I see how much you love our girl and how you are hurting." -Brooke

"It's no longer 'box wine' the classy term is 'Cardboardeaux'". -Cynthia

"This is one you can't do over. Forgive yourself and move forward as the fantastic woman you are.  A woman who would never harm anyone.  Trust who you are, let go of what you did." -Bob

"Moms survive everything." - Rick

"My dear sweet virtual friend. I didn't go to the mailbox until today. I found your card. You have no idea what it means to me to have connected with you. During everything you are going through, you still find time to remember others. One day, I hope the kindness and righteousness that we are trying to pass on to others will be returned, as will our children come back to us. Much ♥ my dear friend. ♥ Thank you. ♥" -Lynn

There are so many more that I am sure will come to mind as the week progresses.  But for now, these are the ones I can remember.

Thank you my friends.

Some changes to the blog

After much consideration, there will be changes to my blog.

This blog will remain, as will the majority of its history, with the exception of posts that are extremely personal to my adoption situation.

I will go through the blog throughout this week and start cleaning that up.

With that said, I will continue to blog my intimate and personal feelings elsewhere.

This blog will serve as a more public place for me to talk about adoption as a whole, and even my perspective on adoption as a birthmother.

I would love to allow you, my friends, to follow my new personal blog.  It is a 'by invitation only" blog and I will be vetting persons interested in joining.  If you are not an IRL friend, then I just ask you add either your blog or facebook page info when you ask to be invited to the blog, because I am specifically trying to avoid allowing those who are offended by my intimate feelings from reading about them.

The truth is, my feelings, and the feeling of my family will not go away.  They will also not be silenced.  They will however be silenced to those who cannot handle it.

So if you want to know the painful truth of what hurts our hearts, please follow along.

The truth of adoption needs to be told, even if it hurts.

You have all been so good to me so I hope you move over with me to the new place.

Send me an email at lisaanne119@gmail.com if you want an invite to the new blog.

Now for the work of cleaning all of this up.

She couldn't have said it better

This morning I was refreshed and encouraged to read an amazing blog post from an mom who has created a family through adoption.  This adoptive mother has amazing insight and maturity about what it takes to be an adoptive parent.  But more than anything, her philosophies go back to what it takes to be a good human being.  Respect and love for others.  Putting others needs above your own, particularly in the case of a child.

Here is the full blog post What makes a real family


I pulled out some of my favorite paragraphs from this blog post...

"we wanted an open ongoing relationship with our child’s birth family … not just for us, but for our child and what it would mean to them."

I love how they are specifically choosing a path that puts their daughters' needs first.

"Over the years I have met both in person and through cyberspace, many women who have made the loving decision to place a child born to them to be raised by another. 

But for these women the promises spoken or unspoken have been broken. The families that they met and chose to parent their child have walked away or at least closed the door just enough not allowing a relationship between the child and birth parents to grow and blossom.

 It is so sad to watch from a distance to see the affect this has on these individuals. And to think what will become of these children kept from their birth family not by their choosing. When they are older will the have to secretly seek out their birth family?"

That is just what my heart desires, the ability to have a relationship with our daughter that has the opportunity to grow and blossom as she grows and blossoms.

"We met many young people and adults who had been adopted in a system that did not allow an ongoing relationship after the child/baby’s placement. Those in charge thought it best for the birth mother/family and the child to not know each other for a variety of reasons. 

What did we hear from these people? How much a piece of them was missing … they loved the families they were raised in but somehow couldn’t find their whole selves … some were able to try and reach out to birth family with the help of their parents and some had to do it in secret because they knew their parents were afraid of what would happen when a reunion happened that choices might be made to love birth family more than the family they knew."

I hope our daughter never has to feel the conflict of wanting to be able to love her birth family,but feeling like she is betraying her adoptive family.  However, I am afraid that if we, the birth family, is specifically kept at a distance, the inference is that we are people that are not OK to love.  We are a threat to their family.  Which is absolutely not what we would ever plan to do.  We too want our daughter to feel whole and able to love anyone and everyone that she wants.

In families, we don't wait to let our children decide if they want to meet their grandparents or aunts and uncles.  We introduce them to their family members all along.  We encourage them to develop a relationship with those people, because they are family.  Then as adults, our children can decide how much contact they wish to continue to have with their extended families.  But we did our job as parents exposing them to their family who loves them.  It would seem ridiculous if I said to my sisters "We have decided to wait until our kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they want to know you."  It would just seem illogical.  So I am so taken back when I hear adoptive parents who say that to birth families.

"And so it is with a heavy heart that I read or hear how an adoptive couple close the door just enough not to allow an in-person relationship between the child and their birth family. I have seen and heard the fear of adoptive and hopeful adoptive couples at conferences or in chance meetings. I don’t understand their fear … how can you turn your back on the family that chose you to be the parents of their child? How can you close the door to your child and not allow them to know all of their family?"

Like the author, I just cannot understand this.  We were good enough to be your friends prior to relinquishment, but now that we have entrusted our child with you, we are no longer the kind of people you want our daughter to know?...

"As we are learning as our children grow from babies, they begin to understand more and more of their story when you talk about it (and hopefully you are sharing with them their story of their life). There will be questions of why this or why that? 

You will see the strong physical resemblance of your child to their birth family … relish in it! 

 Our daughters now 6 and 4 years old brighten and smile when you share with each of them some action they’ve done or said that resembles their birth mother or father. Don’t steal this from your child it will help make them whole!"

The Valentine package

Dear Brit,

We got an email from your dad last night telling us what you are up to these days.  Sounds like you have finally mastered the big girl pants. Hooray for no more diapers!

I chuckled as I read about you and your little brother emptying out the dresser and putting all the clothes in the crib.  Sounds like the kind of thing that would happen in a house full of toddlers.

Your dad also said that you are quite the chatty girl now.  And your response to everything is "really".

But by far our favorite line in the entire email was when he told us you have an imaginary chicken that you chase through the house.  I laughed and laughed when I heard that.

I looked up at BF and I said "I wonder who she gets THAT from!"

He immediately looked back and me and said "She gets her curly hair from me, and her eyes from me, but there is absolutely no question that she gets chasing imaginary chickens through the house from YOU!"

He's probably right.

I hope you got your Valentine's Day package that we sent to you.  We just love picking out special things for you and we delight in imagining you playing with them, reading them, wearing them or eating them.

The entire package of Valentine fun

The chocolates taped to a Valentine plate

 This time I included chocolates, which I hope brought you great joy.  It is funny to me because I don't like chocolate at all so I don't even think about sending it to you, but from what I have heard, you seem to love chocolate enough to make up for chocolate that I don't eat!

Our card to you

Your hair clips

We also included hair clips and piggy tail holders, not that you like to wear them, but we felt like we should at least send them to try to help you tame that crazy mass of curls that we love so much!

Only one more month until your third birthday.  It is amazing how you are growing up.  We anxiously await being able to have a visit with you again.  And more than anything we long for the day that we can have an ongoing relationship with you.  We keep telling ourselves that each day that passes is another day closer to that relationship we long for.  We want you to be able to know first hand the love we have for you.

Thinking about and loving you from a distance.

Long time no post

Yes, I am alive and well.  Thank you to everyone who left comments and sent me private messages.  It was so nice to see that so many people even noticed that I have been quiet.

Me, my sister and our friend
on our weekend getaway

There is no dramatic reason for the lack of posting.  It is just the reality of a very busy life with our boys.  My every minute seems to be filled with ball practices, games and meetings of every kind.  We also had some sad days as one of my son's friends was killed in a car accident.  BF and I went away for a weekend with my sister and some friends, which was great fun.  There just always seems to be something that keeps us so busy.  But all in all, we have been well and just living and loving each other.

I have been a bit more active on the FB side of adoption land lately.  I am part of several adoption related groups and I have also been researching and reading so much about adoption, specifically how adoption affects adoptees.  One of my favorite new blogs is Adoptee Restoration.  The author, Deanna Shrodes, is amazing.  She says it like it is, which is often not how our society wants to hear it.  I am always anxious for her next post.  She is bold and outspoken, and I think she seriously ROCKS.  I love her Christian perspective on adoption.  Very different from what you would expect.  If you are involved in adoption in any way I suggest you follow her.  It is challenging to me every time I read her blog posts.

During my quiet time away from my blog, I have also been chatting back and forth with some of my adoptive mom friends and a couple of birthmother friends.  It seems like it has been a really tough month for lots of us.

I will say that one of my super amazing adoptive mom friends did have a great experience when her daughter's birthmother emailed back after months of complete silence.  It was so wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time to see how my friend was longing for a connection to her daughter's first family and how the silence was just killing her.  Then the email came in, followed by an exchange of text messages and now hopefully there can be continued conversation between the two of them.

This particular adoptive mother and I were texting each other and she shared with me the text exchange she had just had with her daughter's first mother and I will admit, I cried as I read one of the messages she sent to her daughter's first mother.  She said "Well let me know if you have any questions or want a picture or something.  You're her mom too, we want you in our family!"

Yes, an adoptive mom said that to her daughter's first mother.

And it isn't just lip service.  This adoptive mom has over and over again talked to me about how she doesn't know how to have more interaction with her daughter's first family.  She has written letters and sent emails and she just sits and waits to hear back.  She desperately wants her daughter to know her other family too.  That is one lucky little girl.  She has a mom who gets it.  Her mom wants her to feel whole, knowing all of the things that make her who she is.  I am so glad she has become my friend.

So with that, I am going to sign off for today, because I need to head home to my boys.  But I have a blog post that I have been dying to write about birthmothers that I may try to sit down and sort through this evening.

And above all else, I will sit with my phone in my hand just waiting for the email update, since today is the 25th...

BF and me under the neon lights on our trip

My sweet LanMan after his
last basketball game of the season