Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Where to start?

Yes, I have been MIA on this blog.

It has become a strange place for me, because I don't know what to share here and what to put on the private blog.  But to be honest not much has gone on the private blog either.

So here are some of the reasons I have not taken the time to post.

The boys play competitive baseball which has us traveling almost every weekend.  During the week we have practices and league games so we are chronically tired.

We actually got a visit with Brit in April.  It was a magical 3 hours and we have tons of pictures, that I wish I could share, but we have been explicitly requested not to ever share photos of "their daughter".  So they are private.  But let me tell you this, that little girl is amazing.  So kind and tenderhearted.  We just loved her even more after spending time with her.  Like the time before, they came to our house and just brought Brit.  They left their other 3 little ones at home with relatives.

During spring and early summer I was also planning a wedding for June 7th. BF and I had set that date and were going to have a small gathering and a party at our house after the event.  This was hinging upon our new in-ground pool construction that is going on in the backyard.  The pool construction has constantly been pushed back because of rain.  So it was not ready in time for the June 7th date for a party (at that point we just had a huge hole in the backyard).

But, BF and I were also having some intense private conversations over the past few months.  Mostly revolving around communication and my need for emotional intimacy.  Ultimately it ended us in a counselor's office and the results of that counseling was that we determined it was best if we part ways.

So, instead of having a wedding on June 7th, I was fully moved into my own house with my boys.  We left with nothing but our beds and our clothes because when I moved in with BF a year ago, I gave away everything I owned because it was all a duplicate.

BF was amazing about helping us get established in the new house.  He moved me, did some maintenance and provided some homeowner essentials he knew I wouldn't have like a mower, grill, weed eater and all kinds of miscellany.

My friends are who really carried the ball with getting us set up in our home.  In the period of two weeks, I went from no furniture or kitchen items, to a fully furnished home.  It was unreal how everyone rallied around me and has provided at my time of great need.

The boys are doing pretty well. LanMan still struggles with betrayal.  He was very hurt that we created a family, he allowed his heart to think we were a family, and the rug got pulled out from under him.  He misses his 'brother' and it bothers him greatly when BF comes over to our house to work on things because he feels like if BF wasn't committed to marriage, then he needs to just let us move on.

I have a dear male friend who has been a friend for a while, including during my pregnancy and subsequent adoption crisis.  This friend has listened to me cry for years.  He has been my sounding board for my relationship with BF and he has picked me up off the floor more than once as I weep about the loss of Brit.  So since the breakup with BF, this friend has been around, helping with my boys and just generally supporting us.  I have watched LanMan's apprehension of the situation and he finally told me one day that he really likes this friend of mine, but he doesn't want to trust his heart to let him into our lives because it is too hard when someone walks out.

I have assured him that this man and I have been friends through the toughest of times and have plowed through anyway, so he is safe to like.  But just LanMan's words made me realize how damaged he is by the relationship breakup.

My other two boys are completely unfazed by the loss of BF and family.  They never really connected anyway, so they have just moved on to the next thing.

Since we moved into the new house, we have had two more 20 year old college students join us.  They are baseball players who play for a local summer team and we are their host family.  The boys love having them around, but it sure makes for lots of late nights.  Not only do I have a 20 year old son of my own living with me, but the other two college boys often bring friends over and they stay up way too late.  Good thing I really like them. :)

My youngest boy moved into my sister's house for the summer.  He wanted some aunt and cousins time, so we are giving it to him. We still go to his games and he will be with me again this weekend, but he is enjoying the autonomy of being with his aunt (she only lives 15 minutes away).  It has been good for all of us to have him away for a while.  I hope when he returns we can all resume a normal and healthy relationship.  Right now his brothers are pretty angry with him for being so hateful when he is around, and honestly it has been hard for me too.  The week he moved out, he broke out a window in my new basement by throwing a pack of gum at his brother's head.  That was interesting.

To add insult to injury, two days after the window incident, a pipe broke and flooded through the ceiling of my house, followed by two hours later having the sewer back up.  I was swimming in water for about 6 hours.  It all got fixed, but it was a fiasco.

Then the final blow came when we received a short email from Brit's father telling us they were going to be moving about 3 hours away.  It came at a time when I was reeling from the loss of my relationship with BF, transitioning to the new house, and trying to make it through the crazy summer schedule, while still trying to work full time.

There were many things about the move announcement that really hurt.  Things I cannot share here.  But I am processing.  I guess my life is just about adapting to loss these days.

So there you have it.

That is where I stand right now.  But the good news is, I am still standing.  And I plan on standing tall, and being able to trust my heart to someone else again in the future.  I will not let the loss of this relationship completely define me, like the adoption loss has.  I will never heal from relinquishing my daughter, but I will heal from the loss of BF.  We are very kind to one another and I expect we will continue to be good friends.

I will try to do better about posting more often, but I know I can make no promises of anything right now.  I am in survival mode and plan to stay here for a bit.

I will post more on the private site, so if you haven't already, send me an email at and I will add you to the approved reader list.  I am just trying to protect that blog from Brit's family.  So I may ask you a few follow up questions when you email just to make sure you are someone I can trust has no connection to our story.

Thank you for understanding.