The other day I did reach out to Rebekah in a personal email to thank her for her words and how she touches my heart. In the email I shared my story with her. And in her email back to me, she said some great things that I treasure.
If you are a mother touched by adoption, I hope these words are meaningful to you too. Below is an excerpt from her email (with a few edits). I highlighted the parts that I continue to ponder.
Lisa, I am honored that you would share your story with me. If I'm sharing, honestly, it broke my heart. When adoptive mothers act the way you described, it tells me two things. 1) They never fully healed from infertility before persuing adoption and 2) They're not confident in who God has created them to be.
It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life. All that being said, God is so very sovereign. He knows your heart and her pain. He knows the fullness that both of you desire for Brit's life and He can orchestrate it better than anyone on earth could. Don't lose hope!
I will pray and believe that healing will take place for all hearts involved. Adoption is such a raw process. Even for Rebekah and me, the first few months were so difficult. It was agonizing for me to hear how much pain she was in. (It would have been easier not to know or have contact). It took nearly a solid year for her to find a healthy spot of peace. We went to visit her when Ty was ten months old and although many tears were shed, they were all happy! Just give yourselves time...God can move mountains.
Infertility has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Believe me, I've had some very ugly moments of regret. Your adoptive parents sound like wonderful parents and despite their reservations on opening the adoption up, I guarantee they are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.
This side of adoption makes you so grateful for where God has brought you and a day doesn't go by that you don't remember what He's done. Ty is nearly two and I've never uttered (or heard Ben say) anything that could even closely be linked to a complaint. We just don't take our moments with Ty for granted.
Here are some of my thoughts on what Rebekah shared:
Confidence in what God has created us to be (specific to our roles in the lives of our children)
While she was referring to my daughter's adoptive mother it made me reflect on MY role too. Who did God intend for ME to be to Brit? Yes, I wish mom would open up to me and share more of Brit's life with me and her birthfather, but am I trusting God to orchestrate the best situation for this little girl? Or am I just completely obsessed with what I think my role should be? Who would know best? Me or God? Yes, I know the answer to that question. What has God created me to be? I need to pray on that one ALOT.
It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life.
This is an area that I wish I could tell Brit's mom would be OK if she would just allow me in. Had I thought that I would be the best mother for Brit, I would have kept her and raised her in our family. But I know that God had another plan for this sweet little girl. If He didn't, things would not have worked out like they did.
And I am not a crazy, inconsistent woman who will just scramble Brit's life. I am a professional, working mother with 3 boys of my own, who are all well adjusted and happy. The only addiction I have is to Diet Coke and a propensity to volunteer for too many activities and committees.
And Brit's father is the same. He is an accountant, with two boys of his own who are also normal and well-adjusted. We are good parents and would never interfere with letting them be Brit's parents.
We picked them because we trusted that they would be the very best parents for our little girl. If we didn't think that, we would have kept her or chosen another family. If I could just remind Brit's mom that I know my place. And I just want to give even more love to the little girl that will forever be connected to me, her birthfather and all of her biological brothers.
They are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.
I need to focus on this when I am having a pity party for myself as I long to hold and love the daughter who I miss. While I might not be able to hold her and love her directly, her parents do. And because they longed and prayed for her for years, they are finally able to give all the love they had saved up to this beautiful little girl. She is the lucky one. And Brit knows no different. She has her parents, she loves them, and they love her.
So, I will pray. Pray that God will guide our relationship down the path that He intended. That He will orchestrate a beautiful relationship that develops according to His time, not mine. (THAT IS SO HARD!!!) And I will pray for healing for all of our broken adult hearts. Because our little girl is not broken. Her heart is full of love. And she is also loved to the moon and back by not one, but two sets of parents.
Brit is a lucky little girl. And God is using Brit to form her mom and me into the people He intended us to be. So we need to just let God do the hard work of changing our hearts.
So much easier said than done, but I intend to pray my way through this.
Thank you Rebekah for your Heart Cries. Because your words help dry my tears.