The other day I did reach out to Rebekah in a personal email to thank her for her words and how she touches my heart. In the email I shared my story with her. And in her email back to me, she said some great things that I treasure.
If you are a mother touched by adoption, I hope these words are meaningful to you too. Below is an excerpt from her email (with a few edits). I highlighted the parts that I continue to ponder.
Lisa, I am honored that you would share your story with me. If I'm sharing, honestly, it broke my heart. When adoptive mothers act the way you described, it tells me two things. 1) They never fully healed from infertility before persuing adoption and 2) They're not confident in who God has created them to be.
It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life. All that being said, God is so very sovereign. He knows your heart and her pain. He knows the fullness that both of you desire for Brit's life and He can orchestrate it better than anyone on earth could. Don't lose hope!
I will pray and believe that healing will take place for all hearts involved. Adoption is such a raw process. Even for Rebekah and me, the first few months were so difficult. It was agonizing for me to hear how much pain she was in. (It would have been easier not to know or have contact). It took nearly a solid year for her to find a healthy spot of peace. We went to visit her when Ty was ten months old and although many tears were shed, they were all happy! Just give yourselves time...God can move mountains.
Infertility has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Believe me, I've had some very ugly moments of regret. Your adoptive parents sound like wonderful parents and despite their reservations on opening the adoption up, I guarantee they are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.
This side of adoption makes you so grateful for where God has brought you and a day doesn't go by that you don't remember what He's done. Ty is nearly two and I've never uttered (or heard Ben say) anything that could even closely be linked to a complaint. We just don't take our moments with Ty for granted.
Here are some of my thoughts on what Rebekah shared:
Confidence in what God has created us to be (specific to our roles in the lives of our children)
While she was referring to my daughter's adoptive mother it made me reflect on MY role too. Who did God intend for ME to be to Brit? Yes, I wish mom would open up to me and share more of Brit's life with me and her birthfather, but am I trusting God to orchestrate the best situation for this little girl? Or am I just completely obsessed with what I think my role should be? Who would know best? Me or God? Yes, I know the answer to that question. What has God created me to be? I need to pray on that one ALOT.
It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life.
This is an area that I wish I could tell Brit's mom would be OK if she would just allow me in. Had I thought that I would be the best mother for Brit, I would have kept her and raised her in our family. But I know that God had another plan for this sweet little girl. If He didn't, things would not have worked out like they did.
And I am not a crazy, inconsistent woman who will just scramble Brit's life. I am a professional, working mother with 3 boys of my own, who are all well adjusted and happy. The only addiction I have is to Diet Coke and a propensity to volunteer for too many activities and committees.
And Brit's father is the same. He is an accountant, with two boys of his own who are also normal and well-adjusted. We are good parents and would never interfere with letting them be Brit's parents.
We picked them because we trusted that they would be the very best parents for our little girl. If we didn't think that, we would have kept her or chosen another family. If I could just remind Brit's mom that I know my place. And I just want to give even more love to the little girl that will forever be connected to me, her birthfather and all of her biological brothers.
They are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.
I need to focus on this when I am having a pity party for myself as I long to hold and love the daughter who I miss. While I might not be able to hold her and love her directly, her parents do. And because they longed and prayed for her for years, they are finally able to give all the love they had saved up to this beautiful little girl. She is the lucky one. And Brit knows no different. She has her parents, she loves them, and they love her.
So, I will pray. Pray that God will guide our relationship down the path that He intended. That He will orchestrate a beautiful relationship that develops according to His time, not mine. (THAT IS SO HARD!!!) And I will pray for healing for all of our broken adult hearts. Because our little girl is not broken. Her heart is full of love. And she is also loved to the moon and back by not one, but two sets of parents.
Brit is a lucky little girl. And God is using Brit to form her mom and me into the people He intended us to be. So we need to just let God do the hard work of changing our hearts.
So much easier said than done, but I intend to pray my way through this.
Thank you Rebekah for your Heart Cries. Because your words help dry my tears.
4 comments:
Hello:
Can I give a bit of advice. As an adoptee and adoptive parent, your use of the words "other parents" maybe a turn off. Open adoption or not, when one transfers the responsibilities and sacrifices of being a parent to others, they are no longer the parent( other mother and father yes, but parents- no.
Also, not to be harsh, but you have older children you kept. Maybe your child's parents are worried about the self-esteem issues she may have because of being the "one my bmom didn't keep". As an adoptee, I can imagine how hard/painful that must feel and as her aparents, you have to give them credit for taking that into consideration. Many of today's adoptees are born into complex situation;and as aparents we are doing the best that we can.
Thank you for the insight from your perspective as an adoptee Ellis. I did re-read through my post and did not see the reference that you made to me saying 'other parents'.
I didn't recall referring to us using that term ever. I always refer to Brit's adoptive parents as her parents. And I don't imply that C and I are her parents. I know who we are to Brit. SO I was glad to see I didn't actually use that term.
I do see that I said "she is loved to the moon and back by two sets of parents", and I would stand by that comment.
C and I are parents. Just like Brit's mom and dad are parents. And we all love Brit. I would refer to myself and C in that same way if I was talking about how we love my nephew. I believe a child cannot be loved by too many people. Parents, grandparents and friends who are like family.
I realize that lots of children who are adopted are subject to very uncomfortable situations that they have to deal with that other children might not have to. And I appreciate you bringing that up. However, I don't think that should be much of an issue for Brit. All of us in this adoption triad are very normal, well-adjusted adults who try to make decisions based on the welfare of the little girl who brought us all together.
I feel Brit is fortunate because she will always know that the reason we chose for her to have a different set of parents was because we loved her so much that we wanted the very best for her. It wasn't that we didn't want her, we wanted her to have the very best. Which to us was two married parents who were longing for a child. Not two parents who were not married and who were trying to figure out how to be a single parent to the children we already had.
We have the financial capacity to support her. We have the family structure to have managed being single parents. But when we considered the options from Brit's perspective, she would have been short changed right from the beginning had she stayed with me.
I cannot change the circumstances in which my current children live. But this was a one time opportunity for a precious child to have a fully intact family. And I would want that for every child.
I am hopeful that Brit sees why we made our decision for her future to include parents other than ourselves. And I believe that the current reasons that her parents have not chosen to maintain a completely open relationship with us has nothing to do with Brit's self esteem, but it has to do with how uncomfortable it is for us as adults.
But I will take your comments to heart. And remind myself that everyone has a different perspective of any one situation.
I love your blog....I also read the Rebekah's blogs- both amazing, amazing women. Hang in there. Your daughter is adorable and I admire so much your strength and conviction to remain involved even if her parents are holding back. Hopefully they can work through what they need to and your relationship can open and develop!
I wish you the best but please keep in mind that when you say "we loved you so much we placed you, so you could have better" our bchild may/will think " yeah you loved me so much but you kept them" Or " although I love my aparents and life, if you wanted me, you would have kept me, married or not." Again, not to be harsh, but as an adoptee I would have a hard time coming to terms/understanding with the fact that my bparents each had kids they were raising but couldn't raise me,but yet visit and bring my bio-sibs they kept! I can imagine that's very hard to understand. Again, not to be harsh.
I wish you the best
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