Friends through shared grief

This morning I pulled up one of my favorite blogs The Chronicles of Munchkinland which is written by another birthmother.  Jenna is real with her words.  She has a great open adoption relationship with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother.  Even so, she is like so many of us and often debilitated by grief.  I appreciate that she shares how her adoption relationship impacts not only her, but also her children and husband.

Today she was posting about her reaction to an episode of GL.E.E. Click here for the full blog post.

I don't watch the show, but I understand it is currently dealing with a teen birthmother who has been very erratic with her behavior about her child (another hot topic here in blogosphere).  You probably know the storyline better than me, so I will just leave it at that.

Jenna's comments today about this fictional birthmother resonated to my soul. Tears streamed down my face as I read them.  I would like to think these are not universal truths about all birthmothers, but I must say that from the ones I have interacted with, these statements are so very true.

In her post, Jenna is referring to the birthmother character in the show, and she says...

"Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to somehow make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others.

Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad.

And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess.

I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her* birthday draws near (*note, her daughter), my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies.

I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest."

Jenna continues with the lament of my heart. She encapsulates the loneliness and longing that I have for someone to help me live through the pain of a child lost.

 "I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday."

Her words cut to my soul.  She said out loud the things that my heart screams.

I am thankful that I have connected with a friend here in blog land that fits the bill as that person who understands.  I know I can call or text her on those dark days and she will not tell me that it will all be OK, because we know it is not OK.

I am one of the lucky few.  If you can consider it lucky at all.

And if you asked either one of us, we would both tell you that we wish that we never had this common reason to become friends.  We are over 1,000 miles apart, but bound at heart by a grief that thankfully few others can understand.

So in the spirit of thankfulness, I will say, I am thankful for my friend W's Birthmom.  And the other blog friends I have met here.

There are many of you.  Some birthmothers, some adoptive mothers.  Others are just people who have found my blog and prayed for my heart and encouraged me, simply because they were touched by my story.

But today, my heart is heavy for all of us who have relinquished a child and are now living with the consquences of that decision. I wish I could sit in silence next to each one of you as we all hold the pictures of our children and we greive their loss.

Dreams, regret and the truth comes out

I know I have written this before, but when it comes to dreams about Brit, it is unbelievable how upsetting it is to me because they are so real.  It ruins my entire day.  I wake up a blubbering mess and generally I can't shake it.

Even when the dream is happy, I wake up in a near panic trying to go back to sleep so I can hold her again.

Last night was one of those nights.  In addition to dreaming vividly about my dear sweet Brit, I also dreamt that the BF and I had an argument.  In the dream, he told me that he was choosing to live in Vegas over continuing a relationship with me.  This conversation between us happened immediately after he and I had just had a fabulous afternoon together with Brit, her parents and her new twin brother and sister (still in the dream of course).

I know that there are real reasons for all of the dream components.

1. BF and I are supposed to have a 'where do we stand in our relationship' talk scheduled for tomorrow.  That explains the picking Vegas over me conversation in the dream. (Of note, he has no plans or aspirations of living in Vegas.  That must be some other manifestation.)  I am anticipating that our conversation tomorrow is going to be a final end to any romantic relationship between the two of us.  So I am certain that this dream conversation is my way of dealing with what I feel is inevitable in real life.
2. The timing of the dream argument between BF and me occurring after a visit with Brit was a real experience.  That really happened this March when he refused to talk to me after our one and only visit with Brit.  I was upset after the visit and he didn't think he could handle listening to me tell him how upset it had made me so he told me he needed a week away from me to clear his head.  I spent a week weeping and feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.  It makes me cry right now just typing that.
3. The visit with Brit comes from the desire I have to touch and hold my little girl.  I know there is no visit in my near future, so I have been trying to stifle the thoughts of it.  It appears to be working pretty well as I have been doing better with not crying at work the last few weeks.  But given a chance, my subconscious mind reminds me that I have a primal need to touch my child.  To hold her and to love her.
4. In my dream I nursed Brit (which I did for all of my children).  I am going to completely blame this part of my dream on my Bestest Birthmother Friend (BBF) who has struggled with this very topic.  She wished her adoptive parents would have accepted her offer to ship her breast milk to their son, which they respectfully declined.  It was hard for her to accept and we have been talking about it alot lately.  In my dream, breastfeeding Brit was something only I could do.  I am certain that is a very significant insight.

There are also lots of other parts of the dream I could explain away.  But it really doesn't matter.  What matters to me now is that I realize again how just when I think I can manage my emotional condition regarding adoption, I am sent reeling by a simple dream.

I don't want to be a birthmom anymore.

It hurts too much. 

And I don't want my daughter to be adopted. 

I want her to be my daughter.

There.  I said it.

I thought the truth was supposed to set me free...

Instead, I just feel heartbroken.

 

NOTE:  I have many adoptive mother followers and readers.  This is not about you.  I think many of you are exceptional parents and you are doing a noble job of managing healthy open adoptions with your child and his/her birthparents.  

This is also not about my daughter's adoptive parents.  I know my daughter is loved and cared for.  The adoptive parents did not cause me to make this poor decision.  I did it all by myself. 

This is about a mother who regrets a decision made that will forever change the lives of herself, her daughter and her family. 

Looking for birthmothers who are parenting older children

Another 'older' birthmother friend and I are looking for others who have stories similar to ours.

We are seeking birthmothers who were/are parenting older children when they chose an adoption plan for their newborn child.

If you are a birthparent who is/was in that circumstance, please send me a private email or comment here so we can touch base with you.

We would like to have an online support system for others who deal with the issues that parents who relinquished later deal with (like sibling questions, parented child and relinquished child relationships, etc.)

We know you are out there, tell us who you are!

lisaanne119@gmail.com

A letter to me (what a birthmother should know)

Knowing what I know now, here are things I would have said to myself before I finalized the adoption of my daughter.

Lisa,

I know things are very hard for you right now.  Being pregnant with all of the emotions and physical toll it takes on a body is tough.  As if being a single parent isn't hard enough, being exhausted just makes everything seem so much harder.  Add the stress of a newly finalized divorce, a new relationship with a man who is still wounded from his own divorce, working full time, an ex husband who seemingly gets pleasure from making your life miserable, trying to keep yourself afloat financially, then top it off by being a middle aged woman facing an unplanned pregnancy in the community's lime light.  Any one of these would be tough, but all added together it seems insurmountable.

But remember to take one thing at a time.  Just because the father of this baby is not ready to commit to you doesn't mean that you can't do this.  And a baby right now is not ideal.  It would be complicating and difficult.  Everyone would have to sacrifice.  Financially it would be draining. Physically exhausting.  Emotionally trying.  You know all too well how much commitment raising a child entails.

But consider this.  The situation you are in now is temporary.  Sure it seems overwhelming, but each of those circumstances that keep you up at night are remedied with time.  And while it would be very hard, you really could get all the help you need from your family.  The boys are more responsible than you think.  And even if they don't say it, they would really like to have a little sister.  And they would help out.

If the stress of having a newborn causes a rift between you and C, then it wasn't meant to be.  Sure, neither of you planned on being at this point in your lives, but neither of you thought you would be divorced either.  Life is funny like that.  Sometimes blessings come in disguised packages.

And you are right, Brit deserves more than you can offer right now.  All of your kids deserve more.  Every child should grow up living with both of their parents married and parenting in the same house.  But the truth is that is the exception, not the norm anymore.  As sad as that is, it is reality.

But you are the kind of person who considers others.  Which is a great personality trait.  And a curse at the same time.  And your desire for something better for Brit is important.  You know that God intended for a father and mother to raise children together.  And whether that will be the case for Brit, only God will know.

So since you want more for her, and you think adoption is the best option for her and the children you are trying to raise on your own, then let me share some thoughts with you that you will not believe, but are reality.

As OK as you think you are with adoption, it will not be as easy as you think. I know you are a tough cookie.  And that you disguise your emotions very well.  But the truth be told, your heart is tender.  And you love easily.  And after that little girl is born, you will love her more than you can imagine.  Especially since you will have to love her from a distance.

You don't rely on your family enough.  They want to help you.  You do not have to do this alone.  You don't have to do ANYTHING alone.  Your sisters will help you.  They want to. Just ask them.  It doesn't come naturally to you, but try it.  You always help others, let someone help you.

While you think that you are going to be able to watch from a distance, it will be harder than you know.  It's not that you will want to take over and be the parent, but you will want to be involved.  Make sure that you choose a family who will include you and your boys.

Infertility is as life altering as an unplanned pregnancy.  Every girl thinks she knows how her future family will be formed.  She will fall in love, get married, get pregnant and have a little person who looks like her or her husband.  Some dream of big families and some dream of a boy and a girl.  But very rarely does a little girl dream about adopting a child/children to create a family.  That takes a maturity that few possess.  So infertile couples deal with the grief of not having children of their own, and they also struggle with the financial burden of adoption. Much the same way you are considering the impact a baby would change things for your right now.

Adoption is not for the weak at heart.  Adoption is best done by those who love Christ and believe that we are all children of God, adopted into His family by His grace.  Adoption doesn't work well with those who are possessive and want a child to be their own.  It is also hard for those who are not of "strong stock" as your friend Susie says.  You are of strong stock.  You are resilient.  Find another mother like you.  Someone who is willing to do what it takes even when it is hard.  Because adoption is hard.  For birthparents and adoptive parents.  Sharing doesn't come naturally to our human nature.  And being possessive is a natural instinct for parents.  Maturity and faith are what make adoption the beautiful thing it can be.  But without both, it will be a struggle.

Choose a family who believes children cannot be loved by too many people.  Children want to know where they come from and you need to find a family who will honor that natural desire.  And instead of waiting for the child to ask, they will create an environment where the child knows she is loved by lots of people.  Her parents, grandparents, friends and birthfamily. 

Be deliberate and don't just wait to see what happens.  Talk about things that may seem uncomfortable at the time.  Don't think things will just work themselves out over time.  Adoption is beautiful but also uncomfortable.  No one wants to share their child with someone else.  So sometimes the adults in the relationship will have to do things that they never thought they would.  Like letting a birthmother visit her child even when she is hurting from her adoption loss.  We don't like to see others in pain, but sometimes we all have to do things that push our comfort level way outside our desired boundaries.  Only faith can help us do that.  Choose a family who is willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of their child.  Choose a family who cherishes your role in the life of the child. You may not be the mother, but you will forever be the birthmother.  No legal document will change that.  Find a family who is willing to respect that and embrace it.

Make sure the parents you choose have accepted that their family will be created through adoption.  Be sure that they have surrendered to God their preconceived notions of what their family will look like  A beautiful example of this is a couple from church who have a child adopted from China, another adopted from India and a heart for a child from Ethiopia.  The mom said "If we were hung up on having children who looked like us, we would have spent our time and money on fertility treatments.  But instead, we realized that God wanted our family to be different.  We love the fact that our children don't look alike.  We want a family of kids who are uniquely their own."  How mature.  They trusted God to create their family.  And He did.  Yet their children are just like them.  They are fun, easy going and uniquely individual.  And whether they have their mother's eyes is not the most important thing to them.  They are a family.  Brown and yellow, black and white. Literally.

If you choose adoption, you are relinquishing your "rights".  You will not see her first steps, hear her first word, feed her first food, kiss her scraped knee.  Those are treasures for a mother.  By choosing adoption for your child, you are giving all those experiences to her mother.  It will hurt.  You will mourn the loss.  Even when celebrating with her family, a piece of your heart will hurt.  Pictures will be painful.  You will see your face in the pictures of your child hugging and kissing her mom.  Yet, you wanted that kind of love and relationship for her. The reason you are choosing adoption is because you want the very best for your child.  Remember that when the pain seems unbearable.

Adoption can be beautiful.  It is an unselfish choice.  It puts your child's needs above your own.  Yes, you could parent.  But just because you can, doesn't mean you should.  Being able to get pregnant is a gift and sometimes it is not intended to be YOUR gift. 

There is no right answer.  But if you still choose adoption for your daughter, know there will be pain.  Know that you will forever hurt.  It will define you.  But it is not about you.  It is about that little girl.  Is it better for her to have two parents who love her to the moon and back, or is it more important that she be with her biological family?  Family is who you choose to love.  There is no perfect answer.  We are imperfect people who make decisions outside of God's will.  And there are consequences to those decisions.

Ask questions.  Don't worry so much about hurting feelings that it keeps you from talking about the important things.  This is an irrevocable decision.  Be sure.  Trust God.  PRAY. And after you make the decision, trust that God will provide during the times of excruciating pain.  Because only God can comfort the kind of pain you will feel.

And if you choose the right parents for your child, your family will grow.  Your love will expand and you will not lose a child, but gain more family.  Be picky, because you are choosing a relationship for the rest of your life. 

There is no perfect answer.  God wanted something different for you, but you made choices outside His will.  And despite that, He can make something beautiful from your poor choices.  Trust that He can orchestrate better than you could ever hope to control. 

Whatever you choose, know that God loves you and wanted only the best for you.  And even if you didn't follow His will for your life, He can make something beautiful from your circumstances.

This is by far the hardest thing you will ever do and trusting that God will provide is the only way that it will be bearable.  And by God's grace your daughter will appreciate that you made the decision to provide the best for her.

Be strong and trust God to provide even in times of grief.

An amazing woman

I rarely watch TV except for the nightly news, but last night I got sucked in.  Just like millions of others.  I watched the Oprah "family secret" show.  And now we know that Oprah has also been touched by adoption.  Her mother is a birthmother.

Two things that struck me.
1. I wanted to shake Oprah's mother and ask her what is going through her head that she would deny meeting her daughter when she requested over and over again!
2. Oprah's half-sister Patricia is obviously a beautiful Christian woman filled with forgiveness and grace.

As a birthmother, I am appalled that another birthmother would NOT want to have contact with a child who is desperately reaching out to her.  Especially since she is not exactly living a pauper's life.  Her daughter is one of the wealthiest and successful women in our society.  And this is not a secret that is going to go away.  I have decided that I would need to know the mother better to understand what she is thinking.  And it is not mine to judge.

So instead, I want to talk about Patricia, the daughter relinquished to the state.  She was a victim of poor choices by the adults in her life. She has every right to be angry, hurt and bitter.  But from all appearances, she is not.  She seems to have a kind heart, sincerely concerned for the well-being of all the family who has just found out about her.  She could have sold her story.  Especially after her birthmother hurt her so badly when she repeatedly declined to meet her.  But she didn't.  She trusted God through the entire process.  She believed that God would provide for her.  A girl who was seemingly abandoned trusted God to provide for her.  To guide her through this process.  And her children acted the same way.

I hope and will pray that Patricia's faith and forgiveness will change Oprah and her mother.  I hope Oprah will see that there is one divine God, who is alive and cares for each of us.  And those who have a relationship with Him can have peace and forgiveness for human wrongs, even when the world would think they shouldn't.

Patricia, you are a beautiful woman, and no matter how the rest of this story works out with your birthmother, I will continue to admire you and your faith and perseverance.

Isn't God good!

Selfish

I am thankful today that I have peace.  It may only be for today, but I have it for now. And as a birthmother, and a parenting mother, most of the time, peace is hard to come by!

I woke early this morning and laid in bed and decided that instead of letting my mind wander, I would pray.  As always I started by praying for Brit's family and that their heart would soften toward opening our adoption more.  But then it hit me.  All I do is ask.  I ask God for this, and plead for that.  But rarely do I stop to be worshipful.  Truthfully, prayer time is all about me.  What I want, what I think I need.

I am pretty sure I do not make the list of God's top ten closest friends.  (Yes, I know he doesn't keep a list like that, but you get the idea.)  In our relationship, it is all about ME.  Now I will add that I pray for others all the time too.  But it is definitely a parent child relationship that God and I have.  I ask for things.  Over and over.  And not always are they selfish things.  I do pray for healing for friends and family.  But I am always asking for something.  And what do I give in return?  Usually it is a quick, "thanks God for still loving me even though I am selfish.  Now back to my requests..."

So I need to start working on that.  I have let my Bible reading go completely by the wayside.  I spend no time trying to know God better.  I give back nothing.  I just take.  Thankfully God is willing to wipe the slate clean.  But surely He is getting pretty tired of this one-sided relationship.

I will make an effort to be better.  To give the glory due to God.  And maybe then this temporary peace will turn into a life filled with God's grace and peace, that comes from truly walking with Him.

Not much to say

Not too much to report today.  Yesterday was my birthday and for some reason I thought maybe Brit's mom would send an email or a note.  That didn't happen.  Actually, I take that back.  She did send an email reply to one I sent her on Monday about a mutual acquaintance of ours whose husband had a brain tumor removed.  She thanked me for the update.  And to be honest, it was a nice light hearted email.  Just a couple of sentences, but I figure any correspondence from her is better than none.

I try to keep my interactions with Brit's mom light hearted and non-chalant.  I know that there is a huge white elephant that stands between the two of us and meaningful conversation.  I try not to dwell on the conversations that we had prior to Brit's birth about how we would always be friends.  I know things change.  I just wish they hadn't.

So now I wait for my January email update with pictures.  I am so very glad I get that.  So many birthmothers don't.  So as sorry as I feel for myself and how our relationship hasn't developed like I thought it would, I do remember that I am still very fortunate to have what I do get.

A song to all birthmothers

In addition to being a phenomenal singer and songwriter, Mark Schultz is also an adoptee.  I love all of his music, but for obvious reasons this is my favorite song. 

Thank you Mark for loving your birthmother.