Selfish

I am thankful today that I have peace.  It may only be for today, but I have it for now. And as a birthmother, and a parenting mother, most of the time, peace is hard to come by!

I woke early this morning and laid in bed and decided that instead of letting my mind wander, I would pray.  As always I started by praying for Brit's family and that their heart would soften toward opening our adoption more.  But then it hit me.  All I do is ask.  I ask God for this, and plead for that.  But rarely do I stop to be worshipful.  Truthfully, prayer time is all about me.  What I want, what I think I need.

I am pretty sure I do not make the list of God's top ten closest friends.  (Yes, I know he doesn't keep a list like that, but you get the idea.)  In our relationship, it is all about ME.  Now I will add that I pray for others all the time too.  But it is definitely a parent child relationship that God and I have.  I ask for things.  Over and over.  And not always are they selfish things.  I do pray for healing for friends and family.  But I am always asking for something.  And what do I give in return?  Usually it is a quick, "thanks God for still loving me even though I am selfish.  Now back to my requests..."

So I need to start working on that.  I have let my Bible reading go completely by the wayside.  I spend no time trying to know God better.  I give back nothing.  I just take.  Thankfully God is willing to wipe the slate clean.  But surely He is getting pretty tired of this one-sided relationship.

I will make an effort to be better.  To give the glory due to God.  And maybe then this temporary peace will turn into a life filled with God's grace and peace, that comes from truly walking with Him.

Words of love and encouragement

I am a devout reader of the blog Heart Cries.  And while she didn't know it, Rebekah's blog became very therapeutic to me on some of my worst days.

The other day I did reach out to Rebekah in a personal email to thank her for her words and how she touches my heart. In the email I shared my story with her. And in her email back to me, she said some great things that I treasure. 

If you are a mother touched by adoption, I hope these words are meaningful to you too.  Below is an excerpt from her email (with a few edits).  I highlighted the parts that I continue to ponder.

Lisa, I am honored that you would share your story with me. If I'm sharing, honestly, it broke my heart. When adoptive mothers act the way you described, it tells me two things. 1) They never fully healed from infertility before persuing adoption and 2) They're not confident in who God has created them to be.

It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life. All that being said, God is so very sovereign. He knows your heart and her pain. He knows the fullness that both of you desire for Brit's life and He can orchestrate it better than anyone on earth could. Don't lose hope!

I will pray and believe that healing will take place for all hearts involved.  Adoption is such a raw process. Even for Rebekah and me, the first few months were so difficult. It was agonizing for me to hear how much pain she was in. (It would have been easier not to know or have contact). It took nearly a solid year for her to find a healthy spot of peace. We went to visit her when Ty was ten months old and although many tears were shed, they were all happy! Just give yourselves time...God can move mountains.

Infertility has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Believe me, I've had some very ugly moments of regret. Your adoptive parents sound like wonderful parents and despite their reservations on opening the adoption up, I guarantee they are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.

This side of adoption makes you so grateful for where God has brought you and a day doesn't go by that you don't remember what He's done. Ty is nearly two and I've never uttered (or heard Ben say) anything that could even closely be linked to a complaint. We just don't take our moments with Ty for granted.

Here are some of my thoughts on what Rebekah shared:

Confidence in what God has created us to be (specific to our roles in the lives of our children)

While she was referring to my daughter's adoptive mother it made me reflect on MY role too.  Who did God intend for ME to be to Brit?  Yes, I wish mom would open up to me and share more of Brit's life with me and her birthfather, but am I trusting God to orchestrate the best situation for this little girl?  Or am I just completely obsessed with what I think my role should be?  Who would know best?  Me or God?  Yes, I know the answer to that question.  What has God created me to be?  I need to pray on that one ALOT.

It is very sad to me when adoptive mothers can't see past the threat they feel over having their son or daughter's birth mother in their life.

This is an area that I wish I could tell Brit's mom would be OK if she would just allow me in.  Had I thought that I would be the best mother for Brit, I would have kept her and raised her in our family.  But I know that God had another plan for this sweet little girl.  If He didn't, things would not have worked out like they did. 

And I am not a crazy, inconsistent woman who will just scramble Brit's life.  I am a professional, working mother with 3 boys of my own, who are all well adjusted and happy.  The only addiction I have is to Diet Coke and a propensity to volunteer for too many activities and committees. 

And Brit's father is the same.  He is an accountant, with two boys of his own who are also normal and well-adjusted.  We are good parents and would never interfere with letting them be Brit's parents. 

We picked them because we trusted that they would be the very best parents for our little girl.  If we didn't think that, we would have kept her or chosen another family.  If I could just remind Brit's mom that I know my place.  And I just want to give even more love to the little girl that will forever be connected to me, her birthfather and all of her biological brothers.

They are loving your sweet Brit with the love of 4 parents.

I need to focus on this when I am having a pity party for myself as I long to hold and love the daughter who I miss.  While I might not be able to hold her and love her directly, her parents do.  And because they longed and prayed for her for years, they are finally able to give all the love they had saved up to this beautiful little girl.  She is the lucky one.  And Brit knows no different.  She has her parents, she loves them, and they love her.

So, I will pray.  Pray that God will guide our relationship down the path that He intended.  That He will orchestrate a beautiful relationship that develops according to His time, not mine. (THAT IS SO HARD!!!) And I will pray for healing for all of our broken adult hearts.  Because our little girl is not broken.  Her heart is full of love.  And she is also loved to the moon and back by not one, but two sets of parents.

Brit is a lucky little girl.  And God is using Brit to form her mom and me into the people He intended us to be.  So we need to just let God do the hard work of changing our hearts.

So much easier said than done, but I intend to pray my way through this.

Thank you Rebekah for your Heart Cries.  Because your words help dry my tears.

And here we are

I would have thought things would be different by now.  I wish they were.  And yet I am thankful that they aren't as bad as it could be.

Dad emailed an update about Brit today.  I had sent him an email telling him of a book that I saw on Amazon that was about post adoption grief for adoptive parents.  From the only actual phone conversation I have had with Dad since Brit's adoption, I found out that they are dealing with the grief of knowing that Brit may be the only child they will ever have.  This has caused Mom to become very depressed.  She and Dad both have also gotten very protective of Brit and say they are trying to do things to bond with their daughter, which also means no visits for us.

I didn't realize when I decided on the adoption plan for Brit that my desire to see, touch and smell my daughter would be so over-powering.  I thought I could wait until she was older and just getting pictures and updates would be OK.  It is not OK now.

I long to KNOW her.  I want to hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh.  I want to physically touch her.  And I want her to know me.  I want to be someone in her life that she has always known.  I don't have to be her mommy, but I want to be someone who is allowed to love her all the same. (Although given the opportunity I would scoop her up and take her back in a heartbeat).

She is 8 months old and they still aren't ready.  Being a birthmom is not an envyable position.  You have no rights.  And get very little consideration.  Because the Mom isn't ready yet, the birthmom has to sit and wait.  And be satisfied and grateful for the pieces I do get.

And I am grateful.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my only daughter.  And her brothers want her with us.  My tears are overflowing today.

Yet, I know there are so many birthmothers out there that don't even have the relationship that I do have.  They don't get pictures and monthly updates.  They don't have parents who communicate with them.

So I will try to be thankful.  For the fact that Dad is considerate of me and my feelings.  Thankful that he sends beautiful emails that allow me to know what Brit is doing now.  Thankful that Brit is loved to the moon and back by a mommy and daddy who live in the same house and who are married to each other.  (Which is a whole other topic that also weighs on my mind these days - that is a later post.)

And I will be thankful for the boys I do have.  And for the fact that I can have children of my own and that I have been able to raise them and love them first hand.

Yep, today is another one of those days.  Bitter and sweet all the same.

The pictures Dad sent were adorable.  They love her so much.  I'm glad.  Maybe one of these days (soon), I will be able to see and hold her too.