Monday, July 30, 2012

We knew it would happen

I desperately wanted to blog this weekend, but it seems that was not meant to be.  My world took a few turns this weekend.  Only one of which I will share today, because it was by far the thing that has rocked my world the hardest.  Which is amazing considering all of the drama and trauma I went through this weekend with my family.

Saturday morning I came face to face with my daughter.  She was with her grandparents.  And it was awkward.  I could tell that they had no idea what to do.  I had recognized them and they recognized me too.  I had just called their granddaughter by name.

This was for real and we were all now face to face in a very public place (farmers market).

Brit clung to grandma's leg.  She has no idea who I am.  Just a woman at the farmer's market asking her what she is looking for with grandma.

Our conversation was brief and very superficial.  An exchange between strangers may have been warmer and more sincere.  It was apparent that they just wanted to get the heck out of there.

I did really well.  I carried on casual conversation.  I treated Brit like I would any stand-offish child who didn't know me.  I talked to her from a safe distance and mostly talked to the adults.

Our interaction might have lasted 2 minutes.

Then they walked off to find zucchini.  And I took my baby (who I watch every weekend) back to the car.

Where I completely lost it.

26 comments:

Rebekah said...

Oh, friend...I am so sorry.

birthmothertalks said...

I am really sorry to hear this. Not so much seeing her but the weird reaction to it. I can relate to this but not running into my child. I ran into her parents shortly after placement and they moved away shortly after that.

wsbirthmom said...

Hugs my dear friend. It is so hard that the children we carried inside of us for 9 months, has no idea who we are. It aches to the core. I am so sorry. I wish we were closer, I would come and sit and cry with you, and try to pick you up, just as you have done for me - virtually.

Km said...

Oh my word... There are no words for the horror you must have felt during and after. I am so sorry that you had to endure this... I can't imagine your devastation. I send you huge and heartfelt prayers and love!!!

Anonymous said...

sorry i know this is hurtful. this moving thing, that happens so much. i call it taking the money and running, when they get that gazillion dollar bundle and realize how much the real mother loves her child, they have to move. well, i know i am not helping. i pray you have a good reunion some day very soon. i pray a legal counsel will realize you are the BEST for your child EVER!

Janine said...

I have thought about your post since I saw it early this morning, I can not even begin to imagine how you must feel. I am sorry it was so awkward. I tried very hard to find a positive in it, but the only thing I came up with was at least Brits grandparents knew who you were. Have you met them before? or did they recognise you from photos? I would love to have been a fly on the wall once they got home. Sending you big hugs across the ocean.

Jess said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine what I would have done. I probably would have completely lost it in front of them. I am glad you were able to stay strong in front of her. Sending you prayers and hugs!

Laurie said...

I just can't even imagine what tis would feel like. So impressed that you were able to hold it together not only in front of the grandparents, but I know it must be difficult that Brit doesn't know you on sight yet. Thinking of you.

BumbersBumblings said...

Oh Lisa, my heart breaks for you! What a difficult thing! ((hugs)) and prayers for you. Love you!

Anonymous said...

This is disturbing to me on so many levels and I say this as a person who has lived it.

I ran into my child's adoptive mother when he was five (he as not with her). It was purely by chance, as we were both working and on a lunch in the downtown of a city we all lived. I was only allowed one visit with my child when he was 15 months old, but they were still sending pictures and letters at that time.

The look on this woman's face when I ran into her was of pure disdain. There was no "love" or "compassion" for me, only disdain and hatred. I knew at that very moment what a horrible mistake I had made by entrusting my child to them. I was literally in shock when it happened and I reeled from running into her for months; especially the look of disdain on her face. I will never, ever forget that look.

Low and behold, the pictures and letters stopped only a couple years later and they moved to another house, leaving no forwarding address to the agency who had all the records. I was cut off. I was a shocked as she probably was and I am certain they freaked out because we ran into one another.

It is all so bizarre, surreal and unnatural. That is what I have taken away from this whole "open adoption" experience, like I have been made the villain in the story of my own life, when I only thought I was doing what was best at the time.

You are that child's mother. She may not know you now, but she will one day and how you have suffered without her. Don't ever forget that.

reba alice said...

i am so sorry, that must have been incredibly painful...i can't even imagine how you felt.

racilous said...

I'm sorry, less that you ran into Brit, but more that it was her grandparents with her. I know with my son it took many interactions with the grandparents before they really understood my relationship with my son. I suspect if it was Brit's parents the reaction would have been much better.

I know it's hard that to her you were a stranger, but I will say that even though I had many visits with J, each visit I start over and start as a stranger, with him trying to figure out who I am and if he wants to spend time with me. At his second birthday I was looking through a photo book his Dads made and he saw a picture of me and point and said my name without prompting (the first time he said my name in front of me). At the time he didn't associate that picture with the person sitting next to him, but for the first time I realized that didn't mean his parents didn't talk about me or show him pictures of me, it just meant that in person he wasn't quite sure who I was and even if he did he still started every visit a little shy around me. Does it suck that he's more comfortable around the Moms of his friends than me, definitely. Does it suck that every time I see him I feel like I'm starting over again? Sure. But is it getting better, yes. I think it will get better when our kids get older, but it will still be hard.

I am sorry that this was such a hard experience, I send you virtual hugs.

m&msmommy said...

Just now getting caught up on your last few posts, and I am SO saddened to read their "cold" reaction you...YOU ARE HER BIRTH MOTHER! That sweet, beautiful child standing next to them is part of you, I just don't understand the superficial nature of their reaction. They should be so grateful and gracious towards you. It continues to break my heart, dear friend! But that doesn't mean that I'll EVER stop praying for you, BF, your boys, and Brits adoptive family! I pray for their hearts to change with every ounce of my soul!

Debbie said...

Heart breaking. I'm glad Brit's grandparents knew it was you. But I'm praying nothing bad comes from this chance meeting.
I wish more adoptive families could realize that their child's biological family isn't there to hurt them, just want to love their child.
It took our parents some time in accepting open adoption but they'd still be polite and welcoming if they ran in to our daughter's birthmom.

Susie said...

My heart hurts for you...

Anonymous said...

"YOU ARE HER BIRTH MOTHER."

No, she is her MOTHER.

Janine said...

I cant stop thinking about you Lisa. I pray your heart settles and BF and the boys are giving you lots of hugs!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Lisa. I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling... I pray for you always.

Vertical Mom said...

Oh, Lisa! I am SO sorry. praying for your heart :-(

m&msmommy said...

For "Anonymous"...Lisa knows my heart and I meant NOTHING hurtful by my comment. I am very careful with words I chose (especially in situations that I have never experienced) and Lisa I apologize if anything about my comment was hurtful or offensive! :)

LisaAnne said...

My dear sweet friend Christina. I do know your heart and I know exactly what you were saying. I am lucky that you are my prayer warrior and I love the tenderness in your heart that you have for others who are hurting.

The words you chose were just right. It described the situation very well. I am her birth mother. I am her first mother. I am simply a mother too.

I know that so many get hung up on titles (and I am sure Anonymous was trying to also indicate that there is no need for extended descriptors).

Brit does have two mothers. One raising her and one who gave birth to her and who loves her with all of the love of a mother - just from a distance.

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. It was very difficult (which it should not have been). I just hope that as time goes on, Brit's family will embrace the idea that I too can be part of their lives and love the same child that they call one of their own.

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
I just started reading your blog and it breaks my heart. Is there any way of getting your daughter back because of the fact that they went into an open adoption and are not keeping up with their end of the bargain.

Anonymous said...

We are mothers, no dehumanizing prefixes before the word needed, thanks, "m&msmommy".

Rebecca said...

Oh, Lisa. I'm so sorry, and my heart breaks for you. You and Brit (and both families) remain in my prayers!!

MommySquared said...

Lisa {{hugs}} my friend. I cannot imagine how this felt for you before as you spied them, during the time you chatted, and after. I am glad you had the strength once spotting them for going up and starting to talk ...there is strength in you that you don't realize you have and it finds its way out to you. Running into them may have been awkward but maybe they will see in seeing you you mean no harm, just love for your Brit!
As you know all I want is for adoptive parents to know and understand there is NO FEAR in having ALL FAMILY LOVE a Child and keeping them from their family is horrible.
I hope my friend that someday they see the mistakes they have made and open up to a relationship that will benefit everyone including BF and all your boys plus BRIT and them! {{hugs}}

Loving Mother said...

I can relate to this so much. I ran into my son with his adoptive mom when he was 6. I was standing behind them in line at the store, and he was speaking to me about what he was getting for Christmas. He had no clue who I was. Then his adoptive mom turned and saw who he was talking to. She took him by the hand and told him to "Come on." As they were walking away, she was reminding him that he wasn't supposed to "talk to strangers." I wonder if he remembers that. Probably not. I am so sorry for the coldness you received from them.