Thursday, July 12, 2012

Just never quite right

It's interesting that by all outside indicators I am a perfectly well adjusted mom of alot of boys.  We go to sports (lots of them). I am very active in school district activities. I volunteer within my community and even teach Sunday School.  I have a job that is very visible in our small community. I have lived in this same community since I was in high school, so I know lots and lots of people. As you might guess, trips to the grocery store always take me hours because I stop and talk to all of my 'friends' who are also there.  Have I mentioned that I am also very social. :)

But then there is this side of me.  The side that you all see.  The deep grief, regret and longing for something different, something more.

This morning I could hardly get out of bed.  I felt paralyzed by grief.  I had that oppressive feeling of not being able to change one single thing to make it better.

All night I dreamed that I was having a baby.  Literally having the baby.  But I was NOT going to let this child go home with another family.  I knew better.  This child was staying with me.  I was its mother.

Then I woke up and the reality hit like a brick wall. No matter what I had just dreamed, there is no going back.  I cannot change what has happened.  And nothing is any better than when I went to bed.

I still have no interaction with my daughter's family (aside from the emails generated by them once a month). I have no visits to look forward to.

All I have is hope that things will change in the future.  Possibly as far away as when our daughter requests to know us.

The idea that I have to live with that every day kills me.  A slow painful death.  And even on my very best day, things are just never quite right.  We have a child missing.  And the tragedy is we chose it.

How could we have ever thought this would be a good idea?  I will never be the same.  And never quite right.

14 comments:

Vertical Mom said...

Oh, Lisa...I so wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away. I'm sending you hugs and praying for supernatural peace. It will get better. I don't know how but it will.

m&msmommy said...

Sweet Friend, I wish there was something I could do for you SO much (other than pray). As I was praying for you (BF and the boys) this morning I stopped for a second and I tried to envision even an ounce of what you have to feel each and every single day and my heart broke! To think that doesn't even compare AT ALL to how you feel, it's truly heartbreaking! :( As I've mentioned before I love seeing the "other side" of you (via FB) but knowing this side too just makes me ache for you each and everyday! In my prayers for you this morning I also prayed for Brit's parents, and just sort of speaking to God telling him that through getting to know you (and your family) it would be SUCH a blessing for you to be a part of Brit's life. I see nothing but goodness coming from that...sorry for babbling, but I want nothing more than the relationship that you desire SO much to be able to happen!

Love and prayers ALWAYS,
Christina

BumbersBumblings said...

Prayers and hugs for you today, Lisa. I too hope and long for your situation to improve. Love ya!

Kellie said...

Hi Lisa,
I'm new to your blog, and I just wanted to tell you I'm sending you my thoughts and prayers.

MommySquared said...

My heart aches for you and all involved. I wish for you and everyone to find your way to the relationship that you want and Brit needs and will want on her own.

{{hugs}} my friend

ASP said...

Lisa, this post just breaks my heart for you. As an adoptive mom, I feel so sad for you that your daughter's family doesn't feel like they need an open relationship with you and your family. I went back and read some of your earlier posts when you first started blogging and maybe I'm missing something, but what was the agreement when you chose them for your daughter? Have they backpedaled since placement? Being in an open adoption with both of our daughter's birthparents, I can't imagine only seeing them once a year or only sending a monthly update. It just wouldn't feel right, but like I told you in a private message before, I'm really saddened by what some adoptive parents consider an "open" adoption. Sending you lots of love and hope that tomorrow will be better.

ASP said...

One more thing, I was wondering if you've ever (which I'm sure I'm missing this again) written them saying that you would like a visit sooner than later...I'm guessing you have, but maybe you should ask again. Tell them how you feel and why you think it would be beneficial for everyone involved in your adoption...I'm here if you need any adoptive momma eyes to read it for you...Nighty night.

theyalllived said...

Lisa your story breaks my heart every time I read a post like this from you.

However, it does make me thankful and grateful for the relationship that I do have with our daughters birthmother. I can NOT imagine a life where we would exclude our birthmother and her family from our lives. It's just not right.

I too wanted to make a suggestion like ASP. I wondered how you might feel about making a recording of you talking to them. Send them a CD as a letter so they can hear your voice. Tell them your wishes, hopes and dreams for Brittany. I wonder if they can hear your voice that it might make a difference in how they perceive you. I know for me it's one thing to read emails from our birthmother but it is an entirely different thing to hear her voice.

Apologies if you've done something like but I think of you often and wish for a different situation to work itself out for you and your family.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

Oh, Lisa. I keep coming back to this post trying to leave a comment, and then I get overwhelmed trying to find the right words. Some days I'm just so angry about all the people that adoption has broken! Not that we are completely broken, but there are so many of us walking around with something broken in us. First parents. Adoptees. It's not always visible, but it's always there.

LisaAnne said...

I believe adoption is one of those circumstances that is unique in the damage that happens to the psyche and how the outside world sees it.

For example, society knows abuse is a bad thing. Even if the hurt from it is kept secret, when someone says they have deep hurt from abuse, people don't tell them that they should be thankful that is all that happened, or some other placating comment.

But with adoption, if you are an adoptee who grew up in a nice home around nice people, you are not allowed to be sad that you were adopted. You have nothing to be sad about.

If you are a birth mother who has grief from the loss of your child, but your child's adoptive parents send photos, then you are supposed to be grateful that at least you get that.

Because adoption is a beautiful thing. (Says the majority of society). So if adoption is a good thing, then there must not be sadness. Especially if you have an open adoption (by whatever definition works for you).

So we walk around broken. But we must be quietly broken, so as not to disturb the beautiful fairy tale of adoption.

LisaAnne said...

ASP and theyalllived,

Thank you for your comments and your compassion toward me.

We have been very clear with Brit's parents that we want more.

When we have reached out asking for the ability to have conversations or dialog about our adoption situation, they do not respond to the emails. They have declined our offer for all of us to go to counseling. They are just not interested in our relationship being more than what it is. And they get to choose. Not us. They hold all the cards. We have nothing.

I do need to send a handwritten letter. I have not tried that. I imagine the CD idea (while I think it is a great idea!) would cause more damage than good.

And as an example of how responsive they are to us, when I respond back to their monthly emails, I always try to include information about what we are doing, what our kids are up to, and just general pleasantry. They do not respond to those emails. They are simply sent to the abyss. Silence is all we get in return.

I feel like if they valued us as people, not even just as the first parents of their daughter, then wouldn't they respond like a friend and say something, ANYTHING? Like, "looks like fun", "hope the boys are better", you know ANYTHING would be better than silence.

We had no agreement prior to placement. We were all acting like friends. We told each other we would play it by ear and figure it out as we went along.

Then they took her home and not another call.

We have nothing to go back to. We had no agreement to start with. Just trust that we would all work together in this relationship.

Lavender Luz said...

Like Rebecca, I read and I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I am here, abiding with you in your grief.

Your situation has been a burr in my saddle ever since I first read about it last year.

Regarding you comment above, I am sending you a private email.

ASP said...

Hi, again! ;) You should write exactly what you wrote in your comment above or use that as a base and be 100% honest with them. I think it's so unfair and so ridiculous that they don't respond back to emails when you share such personal stuff with them about your family. We don't have a formal agreement with our daughter's birthparents, it's not required in our state, but I could not imagine being friends with them prior to our adoption and then just doing things with total disregard for them. It's not right, at all. It's called "good faith" and, unfortunately, some people don't realize the true meaning of those words. Do you have a social worker that you worked with during your pregnancy? If so, maybe she can offer some words of wisdom on how to get a response from the adoptive parents. I can't stop thinking about you and how you must feel. Please know that not all adoptive families work this way. Your daughter's parents are going to have to answer the tough questions she has for them when she's older, because she will ask questions...I read a good book a few months ago about adoption from an adult adoptee's perspective and point of view, you might want to check it out--it's called "Ithaka" by Sarah Saffian. It's not the same situation as yours but I always like reading stuff that might be helpful in the future for us, too. Anyway, hope you're having a great weekend!

Jess said...

I have the exact same dreams and thoughts. I know what you are going through first hand. You are in my thoughts and prayers!