Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Loving each other

Dear Brit,

I have been thinking lately about how ironic it is that the reason we placed you with another family was because we wanted you to have two parents who were married and who could give you complete undivided attention.

Your birth father and I had been together a very short amount of time when we discovered I was pregnant with you.  We didn't have any idea how things were going to work out between the two of us.  While things seemed good, it was so early in our relationship.  All we knew for certain was that he and I were both trying to figure out how to be single parents to the boys we already had, and we didn't know what the future would hold.

Fast forward 3 years.  He and I are still together.  While there were definitely some bumps in road along the way (the greatest being the emotional toll that your adoption has taken on us), we have figured it out.

Today, I look at your birth father and think to myself how glad I am that we have worked through all of the tough stuff.  I go to bed each night and I am thankful that we stuck it out and because of that, our relationship is stronger than most.  I have never felt such love for someone before.  Each day I find myself more and more in love with him and committed to us.

While it makes me so happy to know that our future will be together, the same thing makes me sad too.  Because we are together and we could have had you with us too.

When we took our first major family vacation last month, I imagined what it would have been like having you riding along with us.  When I watch your brothers interact with the baby that we keep on the weekends, I often see your face.  I can't help but imagine that this is the joy they would have playing with you.

I wish I could go back and make a different decision now that I know, but we cannot take it back.  You are being raised as part of a different family. You don't even know who we are.

But here is what I want you to know.  We love you so much.  And when you are allowed to have a relationship with us, we will be together. You will not have the complication of separated birth parents.  You will get to visit us in the same house, where all of your brothers live(d).  When you look across the table you will see how you look exactly like both of us (because you do look JUST like the younger versions of both of us, curls and all).

While we complicated your life by giving you another set of parents, at least we will be able to offer a small amount of simplicity by being together for you from that point forward.

I am so glad that I am together with your birth father because he is the only other person who can understand the incredible loss I feel.  He is also the only person who can share the incredible amount of love I have for you, because he has it too.  And having all of your brothers together in our home allows us to talk about you, display photos of you, and dream together of the day that you will be more than just a picture on our end table.

We all love you very much.


Monika said...

I'm so happy that you guys have worked it out, and yet I know that saddens you too. When I made my relinquishment decision, I didn't know that her birth father and I would still be together (almost 3 years from the point the decision was made) and that he would be out of the Army (military causes instability - part of the reason I relinquished). There were other factors that went into my decision too, but the point is that I completely get your guilt! I do believe that Brit won't feel any more complicated. She'll (hopefully) grow up knowing you guys, and even if her parents don't allow her a real relationship (and I truly hope they do) with you, she DOES and WILL know you. People search for their genetic mirroring their whole lives if they don't get it from the beginning. I know lots of adoptees who didn't feel complete until they had a chance to meet their birth families. Hang on to that knowledge that you are not just strangers.

(P.S. Still interested in being featured on BBuds? Anxiously awaiting your email!)

BumbersBumblings said...

I'm so glad that this traumatic event has brought you together. I'm glad you have each other there to understand, though I know it's difficult at the same time.