Friday, March 23, 2012

The others

I am now 5 days post visit and today for the first time I feel like I am a functioning part of society.  I have not cried yet today.  (There is still time.)

First of all, the visit was perfect.  Brit was amazing.  Her parents were kind and seemed at ease.  They encouraged Brit to interact with us, and they stayed out of the way so we could have as much interaction with her as possible.  That was so nice.

When I think about the visit, it truly was a great time.

Here is what clouds what should be post-visit euphoria.  I have no idea when we will be granted another opportunity like it.  The couple of hours we were given with Brit may be the only we get for a year (if they continue to make this a 'birthday visit' like it appears their historical visit offerings have been).

It is so hard to understand.  The time we spend together was great.  Casual, nice and comfortable.

If you were to have been a fly on the wall you would have thought we are all good friends just hanging out for the day.

On Monday, BF and I sent an email thanking them for the visit and attached some of the pictures.  And the response to the email... silence.

Not a single word.

I just don't understand.

We are left to guess.  As a family we talk about how nice the visit was.  The kids agreed.  And followed it up with "too bad we don't get to see her more than just once".

We live in a world of mystery on our end.  We have asked to discuss our adoption relationship with them, with the same response.  Nothing.

I cannot press the issue.  I have to be the respectful and grateful birth mother.  I am to appreciate what we are given.  Not push for more.

"Don't rock the boat so that they pull back completely."

If this was a true 'relationship' I think a counselor would mention that it is unhealthy how we do not discuss the big elephant standing in the middle of the room.

We all love the same child.

However, one family holds all the power of allowing another family access to a relationship with this child.  And they can yield this power however they see fit.  No explanations required.  No common courtesy necessary.

The 'others' just get what they get.

I wish I wasn't one of the 'others'.


birthmothertalks said...

This must be so hard. I lived the closed adoption thing and can't really grasp what it would have been like to get visits. I personally think the once a year thing isn't helping anyone. Yes. It's better than nothing but I don't see how a relationship can be formed this way. I am really wondering if they are just so uncomfortable with the whole we got her through adoption thing and what not. As Brit gets older they will really have to face these issues.

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry they aren't communicating with you better. Maybe when Brit's older she'll want to spend more time with you. That could work in your favor. I just don't know sometimes.

I know the feeling of not talking about the giant elephant in the room. Crossing my fingers for better communication in the future. It sounds like you've done everything you can. It takes two to tango... It's just frustrating when Brit's parents knew she was going to have another set of parents before this whole things started.

Anonymous said...

I know how tough this can be, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this tricky tight rope.

I know your situation is very different from me, but I will say that I have always sent a thank you note after every visit via email and have never gotten a reply. Usually if I wait a couple weeks and then send another email, they are then more responsive. I don't know why that is, maybe they feel like they got too much contact and need a break, maybe they don't have anything to say, maybe they need to decompress. Whatever it is I have had to accept they have their own feelings and process and I can't try to control it.

Or maybe in your case they are waiting until their scheduled communication on the 25th? I hope they do send you something then that gives you more insight into how they felt about the visit.

I give you huge HUGS this week, you have people in your corner sending good thoughts your way.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Annessa Family said...

I don't have much to offer - but I thank you for your honesty and insight. Please know what your going through, and your choice to share it so honestly, is helping inspire me (and others, I'm sure) to be respectful adoptive parents.


Stephanie said...

"However, one family holds all the power of allowing another family access to a relationship with this child. And they can yield this power however they see fit. No explanations required. No common courtesy necessary."

You said it all, right there.

Their behavior towards the family who lost, while they gained speaks volumes. They are threatened. You are her mother and she is your daughter. No one can ever change that, no matter how hard they try...

Anonymous said...

My dear friend, I am so sorry for you and your family.

When I initially read this article, I completely related, as so many others do.

You will now wait, for the next time they decide to open 'the wall'. You will contort your family to fit through the teeny opening they will allow, to get those few precious hours, memories and pictures to remember her, until the next time 'the wall' opens again.

amelia said...

I'm glad that you had a good visit, but at the same time my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. Be strong :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being so honest in this space.

Only recently have the parents that I chose for my son 26 years ago explained to me how threatened they have always been by me as his birthmom. My son's looks and personality traits are the same as mine and that they have struggled with the things that they are not able to change.

It was a little heartening to hear this, all the while quite sad that because we didn't communicate so well, or we all held our feelings in that both sides missed out on so much for the first 18 years.

The best part is now, the sons that I have raised have a wonderful relationship with their big brother that was raised in another family. They are as close as any siblings would be.

I have now accepted that this is my role and now this is my gift. But those first 18 years broke my heart everyday.

I do also know however, that pain you feel and that feeling of loss is so hard to recover.

The best thing I did was write it all down so I could share with by first son how much I loved him and how much I missed him. Just as you are doing with this blog.

I wish you both some calmness and peace and serenity.