The sweetest comment ever

Those who are friends with me in real life know that the last couple of days have been really hard.  Lots of tears and grief.  Yesterday even culminated in a marathon counseling session.

This morning I sat down at my computer, with puffy swollen eyes from crying myself to sleep last night, and was drinking in all of the kind comments you all have left over the past couple of days.  I am so thankful for each of you and your tender support of me.  Your kind words are the salve to my broken heart.  Each comment means so much.

But this morning there was one comment that really touched my heart, more so than usual. 

It comes from a commentor that I have never met in real life.  She lives thousands of miles from me and has absolutely no connection to adoption.  She is a mom of two young children and somehow happened upon my blog.  She has been a faithful reader ever since.  We have even become FB friends and I love being able to watch her life through her blog and her FB page.  She is the sweetest, most tender hearted person.  I wish she lived closer so we could be IRL friends! I know she prays for me all the time, and there is nothing more touching than to know that someone cares enough to lift my worries up to God.  That alone shows such character as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, here are the sweet words she left this morning...

As I was praying this morning for your family, I thought to myself, as I often do, "Gosh, I really hope that I'm friends with Lisa forever, because I can't wait to be a part of the day that Brit is reunited, forever (not just once a year) with her family!" What a joyous, beautiful day it will be! And although none of us know when it will be, just know that I'm certain it will happen, and she will know how much you all love her!!! :)

Love and prayers,
Christina

Melt my heart.  Yes, Christina, I hope we are friends forever but I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

Visits

No, this post is not about a visit with Brit.  There are none on the horizon.


Instead, I am sitting here today thinking about how happy I am for two of my blog world friends who are having family time together this week.


A first mother friend of mine is spending almost a full week with her son and his parents at her house.  They live several states apart and visits are hard to come by as all of the adults work and have to synchronize their schedules to make visits happen.  My friend has been posting occasional photos and videos and I find myself going back to her FB page over and over, just to make sure I haven't missed any pictures.  My heart is filled with joy for all of them as they get to spend so much time together with the sweet little one year old who means the world to all of them. Big sister included (she is being parented by my friend).  


This visit is also the first time the birth father has seen his son since the 30 minutes he had with him at the hospital after his birth.  Looking at photos of him holding his son just melts my heart.  They also took a picture of the two children holding hands while they are asleep, and I must say it made me cry to see siblings who have been reunited.


Another dear family I have gotten to know (and also love) is celebrating their 6 year old daughter's birthday this week.  As part of their annual tradition they have flown her birthmother in so she can be with them for several days.  Their adoption is very open and the little girl talks to her birthmother via Sk.ype every week.  My favorite quote was said by the daughter as she talked to her little sister (who is also adopted and enjoys an open adoption too).  Little Ally must have been aggravated with her sister trying to get some attention, because she looked at her sister and said " "Cristina is MY BIRTHMOTHER Jessie!" To which her mother replied that "family is for everyone".  I LOVED IT!

I am so glad these families are getting some special time with each other.  It fills my heart with joy.

The friends who carry my heart

All of us who do it, know blogging is therapeutic.

After my post this morning, I had to run out the door to organize a concert at our local water park (I'm the marketing director for the park).

I walked out the door, ready to brave the heat and I put on my happy face.

Throughout the day my phone would buzz in my pocket and I would occasionally check it to see a preview of the emails that were coming in.

That heavy heart I woke to was gradually lifted with each word of encouragement that I received.  Comments on my blog.  Private messages.  Texts.  Many of which told me you were praying.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sure, nothing has changed. But if there is anything good that I can say has come from this adoption grief that I muddle through, it has been the friendships I have been given by women who I would have never known otherwise.

My dear sweet friend on the east coast (you know who you are!), I am in awe of your faithful daily prayers for me, even though you have no connection to adoption at all.  Your heart is so good!

Adoptive mom friends who support me, pray for me, and sometimes just tell me how it SHOULD be different; I love each and every one of you.  You encourage me with your living, breathing open adoptions and I so appreciate the love you shower over me, even when I am not part of your 'family'. You keep me from becoming completely bitter, because through you, I see that not every adoption relationship is bad.  Some are really, really good.  And those relationships bring me joy.

Fellow birthmother friends, I appreciate the way you hold me up on days I cannot drag myself up.  Knowing that there is an entire community of 'us' out there who understand fully, is both unfortunate and sadly comforting. I am thankful for the camaraderie.  It is a sad sorority of ours (a term Susie Book once said to me), but at least we all understand.  Thank you for encouraging me and reminding me that I can make it through today, no matter how hard.  Because I see that you have, even when you didn't think you would some days.

And my dear sweet 'real life' friends who read and who may not comment on my blog but instead text, call or just stand next to me in my office while I cry, I am truly thankful for all of you.  You live this with me, and you still stick around anyway.

My heart may be heavy, but so many people help me carry it on the really bad days.

Thank you friends.

Check out Love Is Not a Pie

Sometimes someone says something so profound that there is no reason to change a single bit of it.

I could read Rebecca Hawkes blog all day long.  She is amazing. He blog today deals with the question Is open adoption disruptive to adoptive families? Her post is short and poignant.  I hope you hop over there and take a look.

And if you are an advocate for open adoption, like me, you will be hooked.  Rebecca is super cool.

She lives the talk.  She herself is an adoptee, parenting both an adopted child and a biological child.  And did I mention she maintains a relationship with her daughter's first mother, even though her daughter came to their family through the foster system?...  Yes, she is that cool.

To all who have read my blog, commented or just prayed silently for me,

I appreciate all that you have and continue to do to encourage me.

You have all been so kind and supportive, thank you.

I will admit that I have done little but cry for almost 24 hours.  But the few moments of joy that I am able to salvage from my day generally involve words of encouragement from all of you.

I am trying very hard to hand this over to God because I am not doing a good job of bearing the burden on my own.

Yet, I find that being here, in this ocean of grief is a hard place to leave when you don't see anything but ocean all around.

Thank you again for the prayers, for all of us.

Truly that is the only thing that will change what exists here.

I cannot do it on my own power.  I cannot WILL someone to extend me grace.  I cannot beg for someone to WANT to have a relationship with me.

So I have to let God handle that. 

Friends through shared grief

This morning I pulled up one of my favorite blogs The Chronicles of Munchkinland which is written by another birthmother.  Jenna is real with her words.  She has a great open adoption relationship with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother.  Even so, she is like so many of us and often debilitated by grief.  I appreciate that she shares how her adoption relationship impacts not only her, but also her children and husband.

Today she was posting about her reaction to an episode of GL.E.E. Click here for the full blog post.

I don't watch the show, but I understand it is currently dealing with a teen birthmother who has been very erratic with her behavior about her child (another hot topic here in blogosphere).  You probably know the storyline better than me, so I will just leave it at that.

Jenna's comments today about this fictional birthmother resonated to my soul. Tears streamed down my face as I read them.  I would like to think these are not universal truths about all birthmothers, but I must say that from the ones I have interacted with, these statements are so very true.

In her post, Jenna is referring to the birthmother character in the show, and she says...

"Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to somehow make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others.

Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad.

And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess.

I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her* birthday draws near (*note, her daughter), my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies.

I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest."

Jenna continues with the lament of my heart. She encapsulates the loneliness and longing that I have for someone to help me live through the pain of a child lost.

 "I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday."

Her words cut to my soul.  She said out loud the things that my heart screams.

I am thankful that I have connected with a friend here in blog land that fits the bill as that person who understands.  I know I can call or text her on those dark days and she will not tell me that it will all be OK, because we know it is not OK.

I am one of the lucky few.  If you can consider it lucky at all.

And if you asked either one of us, we would both tell you that we wish that we never had this common reason to become friends.  We are over 1,000 miles apart, but bound at heart by a grief that thankfully few others can understand.

So in the spirit of thankfulness, I will say, I am thankful for my friend W's Birthmom.  And the other blog friends I have met here.

There are many of you.  Some birthmothers, some adoptive mothers.  Others are just people who have found my blog and prayed for my heart and encouraged me, simply because they were touched by my story.

But today, my heart is heavy for all of us who have relinquished a child and are now living with the consquences of that decision. I wish I could sit in silence next to each one of you as we all hold the pictures of our children and we greive their loss.

The power of praying friends

It is interesting to find out, often in a round about fashion, that people I never would have guessed are reading my blog.

Most of the time, it is just silent reading.  No comments or record that you have been here.

But on occasion, I will say something that touches someone's heart and they comment.  For those of us who are bloggers, we know that those moments where someone takes the time to comment are moments of glory.  It makes us feel connected to others.

Well this weekend, I  had some interesting responses to my last blog post.

First of all, I received a strongly worded text message from a real life friend.  He told me how hurt that he was that I would not share whatever secret I have with him after all that he and I have been through together.  It caught me very off guard.  I had NO idea that he reads my blog.  He is one of the least likely people I would have thought would take the time to, even if he knew about it.  Heck, he doesn't even have a FB page.  So the fact that he knew about the blog intrigued me.  When I talked to him on the phone this weekend, I asked how he knew and I was very interested to hear how he had found out about it.  It is such a small world.

I didn't share with him my current personal struggle (but I thanked him for telling me how much he does care about me).  I will tell him someday.  But for now I have more questions than answers.  So until I come to some sort of conclusion about what I am going to do to handle this newest set of circumstances, I am going to take my counselor's advice and let this one marinade in my head and on my heart.  Oh, and I'm going to pray.  PRAY ALOT.

On that note.  I have received several blog, email and FB messages that simply say they are praying for me.  Some are from you, my blog friends, and others are from 'real life' friends.  I treasure every one.

I have a couple of blog friends who have reached out to me personally, taking time to email me privately and give me encouragement.  Thank you friends.  It has meant so much.  My sincerest Thank You to those who have told me they are praying for me and to those of you who are praying that I don't even know about.

Because of you and your prayers on my behalf (and a few I have prayed on my own behalf too), I have an incredible peace.  The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know, without a doubt, the only reason that this is the case is because God is providing it to me.  And I know that it is the direct fruits of all your prayers.

And in God's perfect orchestration, the Sunday School lesson I taught on Sunday was based on my favorite verse (this lesson plan, not chosen by me, but given to me by our SS Director).

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

 There you have it.  Said perfectly.

The best part about blogging

I just became a blogger.  It was supposed to be a private journal for me.  A quiet therapy to help me make sense of the thoughts that swirled in my head after I became a birthmother and my adoption story didn't turn out how I expected.

But as time has gone on, I feel like I have met some of the most amazing women.  Adoptive mothers, birthmothers, couples waiting to adopt, moms with very sick children, a young mom who just lost her husband (while she was pregnant with their 3rd child), and just regular moms trying to make sense of parenting like we all do.  I pray for them.  And it is amazing how healing it has been for me.

Never once have I met any of them face to face, yet I feel like they are an intimate part of my support network. 

So today I am thankful for my blog friends.  And you may not even know you are one of them, but I have come to love each of you.  I love how we are all flawed, trying our best, women of faith just trying to make sense of it all.

Blogging rocks!