- The timing of the dream argument between BF and me occurring after a visit with Brit was a real experience. That really happened this March when he refused to talk to me after our one and only visit with Brit. I was upset after the visit and he didn't think he could handle listening to me tell him how upset it had made me so he told me he needed a week away from me to clear his head. I spent a week weeping and feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life. It makes me cry right now just typing that.
- The visit with Brit comes from the desire I have to touch and hold my little girl. I know there is no visit in my near future, so I have been trying to stifle the thoughts of it. It appears to be working pretty well as I have been doing better with not crying at work the last few weeks. But given a chance, my subconscious mind reminds me that I have a primal need to touch my child. To hold her and to love her.
- In my dream I nursed Brit (which I did for all of my children). I am going to completely blame this part of my dream on my Bestest Birthmother Friend (BBF) who has struggled with this very topic. She wished her adoptive parents would have accepted her offer to ship her breast milk to their son, which they respectfully declined. It was hard for her to accept and we have been talking about it alot lately. In my dream, breastfeeding Brit was something only I could do. I am certain that is a very significant insight.
I don't want to be a birthmom anymore.
It hurts too much.
And I don't want my daughter to be adopted.
I want her to be my daughter.