Friday, July 22, 2011

Dreams, regret and the truth comes out

I know I have written this before, but when it comes to dreams about Brit, it is unbelievable how upsetting it is to me because they are so real.  It ruins my entire day.  I wake up a blubbering mess and generally I can't shake it.

Even when the dream is happy, I wake up in a near panic trying to go back to sleep so I can hold her again.

Last night was one of those nights.  In addition to dreaming vividly about my dear sweet Brit, I also dreamt that the BF and I had an argument.  In the dream, he told me that he was choosing to live in Vegas over continuing a relationship with me.  This conversation between us happened immediately after he and I had just had a fabulous afternoon together with Brit, her parents and her new twin brother and sister (still in the dream of course).

I know that there are real reasons for all of the dream components.
  1. BF and I are supposed to have a 'where do we stand in our relationship' talk scheduled for tomorrow.  That explains the picking Vegas over me conversation in the dream. (Of note, he has no plans or aspirations of living in Vegas.  That must be some other manifestation.)  I am anticipating that our conversation tomorrow is going to be a final end to any romantic relationship between the two of us.  So I am certain that this dream conversation is my way of dealing with what I feel is inevitable in real life.
  2. The timing of the dream argument between BF and me occurring after a visit with Brit was a real experience.  That really happened this March when he refused to talk to me after our one and only visit with Brit.  I was upset after the visit and he didn't think he could handle listening to me tell him how upset it had made me so he told me he needed a week away from me to clear his head.  I spent a week weeping and feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.  It makes me cry right now just typing that.
  3. The visit with Brit comes from the desire I have to touch and hold my little girl.  I know there is no visit in my near future, so I have been trying to stifle the thoughts of it.  It appears to be working pretty well as I have been doing better with not crying at work the last few weeks.  But given a chance, my subconscious mind reminds me that I have a primal need to touch my child.  To hold her and to love her.
  4. In my dream I nursed Brit (which I did for all of my children).  I am going to completely blame this part of my dream on my Bestest Birthmother Friend (BBF) who has struggled with this very topic.  She wished her adoptive parents would have accepted her offer to ship her breast milk to their son, which they respectfully declined.  It was hard for her to accept and we have been talking about it alot lately.  In my dream, breastfeeding Brit was something only I could do.  I am certain that is a very significant insight.
There are also lots of other parts of the dream I could explain away.  But it really doesn't matter.  What matters to me now is that I realize again how just when I think I can manage my emotional condition regarding adoption, I am sent reeling by a simple dream.

I don't want to be a birthmom anymore.

It hurts too much. 

And I don't want my daughter to be adopted. 

I want her to be my daughter.

There.  I said it.

I thought the truth was supposed to set me free...

Instead, I just feel heartbroken.

NOTE:  I have many adoptive mother followers and readers.  This is not about you.  I think many of you are exceptional parents and you are doing a noble job of managing healthy open adoptions with your child and his/her birthparents.  

This is also not about my daughter's adoptive parents.  I know my daughter is loved and cared for.  The adoptive parents did not cause me to make this poor decision.  I did it all by myself. 

This is about a mother who regrets a decision made that will forever change the lives of herself, her daughter and her family. 


Jacinta said...

I wish you could take the decision back... I really do. Have you been following the story of Peri and her famil(ies)? (APs promised more openness then they gave, BM says it's a type of fraud -- they deliberately misled her and she would never have made that decision had they not lied to her). Not that you would take her family to court, just thought you might be interested.

Also -- you don't post about their monthly updates anymore. Did they ask you to stop?

Wsbirthmom said...

Oh Lisa.....
I am counting the days until we meet my dear friend. Hopefully, we will be able to, in some miniscule way, begin to heal the weeping, open wound that will heal and leave a nasty scar begind.

Please know I think of you daily, and hope that they will one day show you at least of glimpse of compassion. I hope that their hearts will open one day, and invite you in. I hope that Brit will one day have you in her life, and that the piece of the puzzle that she will feel that is always missing will be put back into place. I hope...because if we stop hoping....what is left.....

Wsbirthmom said...

I found this.....and of course, anytime I read anything that about AP insecurities, yours immediately come to mind. I just wish they would get it....

Anonymous said...

I feel your words, it sucks. At least the part about wanting to change the decision you made. As time passes since relinquishment I am beginning to feel more and more like this. Except I feel like, what am I supposed to do now? If I were to say anything to anyone they still say "you made the right choice, it is over and done with...move on" and it just doesn't work like that.


Susie said...

And I want him to be my son... If only a mother considering adoption could read and FEEL these words you have written...

Hugs to you ~

Reba said...

that must have been an incredibly hard truth to recognize and especially to think/write. we all have those things in life that we wish we could go back and change. this is such a huge one. it almost feels like a form of loss that deserves its own grieving process, but maybe even more difficult in some ways because you know she is out there. i really enjoy reading your blog and hope you find some peace.

LeMira said...

I always love your very honest posts and feelings. I appreciate your story.

I'm sorry that you feel like you have to apologize to adoptive parents about your own feelings. If they really understood grief, they'd know it wasn't about "adoptive parents." Adoption has a real big "sucky" side to it all. Just because it hurts for you doesn't mean that you're attacking them. I wish more adoptive parents wouldn't get so defensive.