Dreams, regret and the truth comes out

I know I have written this before, but when it comes to dreams about Brit, it is unbelievable how upsetting it is to me because they are so real.  It ruins my entire day.  I wake up a blubbering mess and generally I can't shake it.

Even when the dream is happy, I wake up in a near panic trying to go back to sleep so I can hold her again.

Last night was one of those nights.  In addition to dreaming vividly about my dear sweet Brit, I also dreamt that the BF and I had an argument.  In the dream, he told me that he was choosing to live in Vegas over continuing a relationship with me.  This conversation between us happened immediately after he and I had just had a fabulous afternoon together with Brit, her parents and her new twin brother and sister (still in the dream of course).

I know that there are real reasons for all of the dream components.

1. BF and I are supposed to have a 'where do we stand in our relationship' talk scheduled for tomorrow.  That explains the picking Vegas over me conversation in the dream. (Of note, he has no plans or aspirations of living in Vegas.  That must be some other manifestation.)  I am anticipating that our conversation tomorrow is going to be a final end to any romantic relationship between the two of us.  So I am certain that this dream conversation is my way of dealing with what I feel is inevitable in real life.
2. The timing of the dream argument between BF and me occurring after a visit with Brit was a real experience.  That really happened this March when he refused to talk to me after our one and only visit with Brit.  I was upset after the visit and he didn't think he could handle listening to me tell him how upset it had made me so he told me he needed a week away from me to clear his head.  I spent a week weeping and feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.  It makes me cry right now just typing that.
3. The visit with Brit comes from the desire I have to touch and hold my little girl.  I know there is no visit in my near future, so I have been trying to stifle the thoughts of it.  It appears to be working pretty well as I have been doing better with not crying at work the last few weeks.  But given a chance, my subconscious mind reminds me that I have a primal need to touch my child.  To hold her and to love her.
4. In my dream I nursed Brit (which I did for all of my children).  I am going to completely blame this part of my dream on my Bestest Birthmother Friend (BBF) who has struggled with this very topic.  She wished her adoptive parents would have accepted her offer to ship her breast milk to their son, which they respectfully declined.  It was hard for her to accept and we have been talking about it alot lately.  In my dream, breastfeeding Brit was something only I could do.  I am certain that is a very significant insight.

There are also lots of other parts of the dream I could explain away.  But it really doesn't matter.  What matters to me now is that I realize again how just when I think I can manage my emotional condition regarding adoption, I am sent reeling by a simple dream.

I don't want to be a birthmom anymore.

It hurts too much. 

And I don't want my daughter to be adopted. 

I want her to be my daughter.

There.  I said it.

I thought the truth was supposed to set me free...

Instead, I just feel heartbroken.

 

NOTE:  I have many adoptive mother followers and readers.  This is not about you.  I think many of you are exceptional parents and you are doing a noble job of managing healthy open adoptions with your child and his/her birthparents.  

This is also not about my daughter's adoptive parents.  I know my daughter is loved and cared for.  The adoptive parents did not cause me to make this poor decision.  I did it all by myself. 

This is about a mother who regrets a decision made that will forever change the lives of herself, her daughter and her family.