Normally I do not talk about specific situations that I am dealing with regarding Brit's parents because I am never sure if they are reading my blog. So I never want to say anything that could potentially have a negative impact on our relationship.
But today I just decided I want to say out loud how I have felt inside (and have expressed to BF on more than one occasion).
I am so disappointed. Disappointment to my core.
I do not expect alot from others. I try to be gracious and accept that people are all different. We behave differently. We parent differently. We spend our time differently.
But there comes a point where it becomes obvious if you are a valued part of someone's life.
We are not feeling valued.
We are not asking to be treasured or held in the highest regard. We are not asking to be a number one priority to you and/or your family.
But we do wish that you would at least extend to us the same courtesy that you would to an extended family member.
When we send a Christmas gift package (or any other holiday) to your children and it is not acknowledged in any way, we wonder if you got it. And when we see from the tracking that you did, your silence speaks to us.
Yes, you do generally remember to say thank you in the subsequent monthly email update. But would it be so hard to send a 3 sentence email when you received the package and say, "We got your gift. Thank you. Brit enjoys it."?
When special days in our lives come and go and they are never acknowledged by you (birthdays, mothers day, and every holiday), we realize that the effort we make to celebrate those special days for you, is not reciprocated.
While we know that Brit is not old enough to send us a card, sometimes parents do that on behalf of their child. We send a card for every holiday and special day in your life. Still not a single piece of mail has ever been delivered to our mailbox with your return address. Not a happy birthday or holiday email or text message. Nothing.
When we contact you and kindly ask if we can discuss our adoption relationship, your non-response speaks volumes. Being blatantly ignored is very hurtful. And we are left to deal with the hurt with no explanation or understanding.
We are forever grateful for the monthly updates. The pictures and stories are the only salve we have for our hearts. But would you consider how much it might mean to us if you would snap a picture as Brit opens her gifts from us, since we were not allowed any time together with her to watch her open them in person?
I know it is hard to remember birthdays and having 3 little children in your home has to be hectic. We are very understanding. We have 5 boys of our own that take our every waking minute, plus we both work full time jobs. But our relationship with you is a priority to us. So we make sure that you know it by expressing it to you in tangible ways.
We send gifts because it is a way for us to express our love to Brit and your family since we do not get to see any of you on those special occasions. We send cards to let you know we are thinking about you.
We do not want gifts in return. We have everything we could possibly want or need. We just want to feel like you think about us too. And since we do not have an interactive relationship in the sense of phone calls or text messages, the only way we would know that you remember us would be through a card, or letter or even a thoughtful email that was not sent according to schedule.
You used to interact with us like that before you took Brit home. You were thoughtful and expressive when I was pregnant. So we know you are capable of such feelings and actions.
This lack of interaction with you is very hard for BF and me to understand. In your emails, you say that you love us and are thankful for us, but your actions do not necessarily support those statements.
We get the distinct feeling that you are willing to invest the minimum. And because you have decided that monthly email updates are what you are comfortable with, it ends there. *The short surprise visit that you allowed us to have last year around the time of Brit's first birthday was very nice, and VERY appreciated. But we also realize it was simply a gift extended to us, not to be expected.
We sure wish that we meant enough to you that you would consider more.
But we aren't going to push it. It appears that our heartfelt pleas do not influence what you feel is an acceptable relationship between our two families.
We have had to come to our own peace with the fact that this is how it is right now. We cannot change it. We have no power or influence. We hold no cards. We are at your mercy.
We are going to keep sending cards on special occasions. And we will continue to send gifts on holidays unless you tell us otherwise. We want to do this because we are thinking about your family and we want show you that in the only way that we can. However, we have come to expect that there will be silence in return.
Honestly, we don't want a response to our attempts at interaction with you unless you WANT to respond to us. It is like asking our children to apologize and they say they are sorry, but we know that in their heart they are not truly remorseful. We don't want lip service. We want it to be real.
We love that little girl. And until she is able to desire a relationship with us, we are at your mercy and we know it.
We just wish you felt that our relationship with Brit, and with your family, was valuable to you.