“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” ― T.H. Thompson and John Watson
I have a friend who is in a similar situation to mine. She is hurt. Broken. And buried so deep in grief that many of her actions and words are born from an excruciating pain that few would probably understand. She is a shell of the person she once was.
Most days she is lucky just to make it through another day. I understand those feelings all too well.
I love her. I ache with her. My heart breaks every single time I speak to her.
I do not always agree with the things that she says. Sometimes I feel like she isn't being fair to everyone involved. And when she says things that I believe might just be her perception and not necessarily the reality, I ask her if she might have considered that her perception might be skewed by her grief. Sometimes she agrees, other times she does not. She may be right, I may be right. It simply doesn't matter. Because her feelings are hers and mine are mine.
I love her in spite of her faults. She loves me even when I don't agree with her. She is broken. I am broken.
But she is also passionate about truth. She is extremely intelligent (maybe to a fault). Her grief has driven her to pursue her passion for making sure others do not make the mistakes she has.
Do I always agree with her presentation? No. But I always love her. No matter what. And while her presentation might be harsh, and her passion considered nearly obsessive, she is often right. The desires of her heart are not to harm others, but to save those she can from a grief that she knows all too well.
She is using her grief to help others.
I am not to judge her. I know this because I believe that Christ was specific with us. I am to love her. Just as I am to love Brit's adoptive parents. Not conditionally, because they have done something nice for me, or treated me well. But unconditionally because that is how Christ loves me.
That does not mean that I have to be accepting of unkind actions. It just means that I have to be willing to forgive and show that person the kind of love that Christ would.
So today I found out that there are those who have taken it upon themselves to tell others in her adoption triad about some of the grief riddled words she has spoken about her adoption situation. Words that were not intended to be said to the others, but words that she expressed when her grief was overflowing. Words that she said when her heart had been so broken that nothing made sense. Words that she meant. They described her pain and her hurt.
And it broke my heart. Knowing that there are those who are also in adoption relationships themselves would ever think it best to share that information with another set of adoptive parents (who they did not know personally but had to seek to find). I cannot imagine who would think that would be a good idea and beneficial for ANYONE.
Her adoptive parents are good people. Extraordinarily open and respectful. People who are doing their best to have an open adoption relationship that includes all of their child's birthfamily.
I understand that my friend may have said things that others perceived as unkind about her son's adoptive parents. I also know she fervently pursues changes to adoption laws and practices that some adoptive parents find threatening.
But she and her son's adoptive parents speak every single day. They have a relationship. She has shared with them that things that they have said and done have hurt her and her family. They speak of these things. Her feelings are not a secret from them.
What these who disagree with her are doing is just going to create pain. This kind of information will not improve their adoption relationship, it will only bring harm.
So is this really any of OUR business? Absolutely not. This is a family matter. Their family. Not mine. Not yours.
Those of us who write as a form of therapeutic release know that blogging allows us the ability to share our hurts, disappointments and overwhelming frustrations without directing those words at someone specific.
Sometimes things we say are words we later regret. But they are thoughts and feelings that are on our hearts at that time. And if we are not using real names or any identifying information, then it can even be helpful to others who read our words when they realize they too feel the same way or have had the same experience.
Unless I thought someone was going to be hurt or irreparably harmed, I would never seek out someone to tattle. Which is exactly what has happened here. It is a grown up game of tattling by those who think they know best.
All of it makes me sad. There is enough hurt and misunderstanding in adoption. The idea that someone(s) would proactively "stir the pot" as they say, makes me so sad for everyone involved.
No good can come of this. And it is shameful.
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear"
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;"
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?"
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.