What does a girl do?

Crazy stuff presents itself to me.  Crisis and conflict seem to be my companion.  I am sure my counselor has a diagnosis for that and I would guess it is a disorder of some type.

So today (when I am in a good place mentally, for whatever reason), I have decided to pick up my bag full of crisis and conflict and carry it with me on this journey called life.

An update:
Things are going really well with My Guy (thank you blog friends for naming him).  He is attentive, kind and my kids still love him.  He spends every waking minute with us.  It is so nice having someone who is head over heels crazy about me.

Pretty sure any girl who was in this relationship would be spinning in love.

But not this girl.  Oh no.  We can't have a nice, normal fellow courting me. That would be simple.  Down right boring.

We need to sprinkle in a healthy dose of tragedy or unresolved conflict.

And like every good story reads, the plot must develop and take an unexpected turn...

How about a sordid history?   Add unrequited love too.  Yes, that would work.



Real momma, daughter and ex-step momma

Saturday night I went to my daughter's bachelorette party.  Super fun.  I went with her 'real' mom (I was her step mom).  We had a blast.  Two 40 year old women and eight 23 year old girls.  It was awesome.

My Guy met me downtown after 11pm.  Really hit it off with my daughter and between the two of them, they enjoyed many drinks together.

My Guy and me at the bar

So I drive him home back to my house where he decides to spill his whole life story to me (at 3am).  Amazing what too much alcohol will do to you.  He talked without ceasing for 2 hours.  Not even kidding.

Here is what I learned.  He has been in jail.  Yes jail.  For 3 years.  Yes, 3 YEARS! He got into a fight (apparently he has gotten into many fights), and he harmed someone very badly.  Fortunately it was not permanent, but it could have been devastating.

He was a model prisoner and now speaks about violence and consequences to students.  He was released from jail and immediately resumed his coaching position at a local community college.  Seems his home town felt he was rehabilitated.

That was 11 years ago.

Tell me, what does a girl do with that kind of information?

Gut reaction...RUN.

Intellectual reaction:  Use compassion and know that I have made poor decisions in the past too.  He has paid his penalty and is a better person because of it.  He seems to be a very good man.  He has gotten into no trouble since then and was even married to a woman who is in the corrections line of work.  She believed he was different.  Enough so that she married him.  Is this mine to judge?

I also understand that having a father who was a professional fighter in Las Vegas probably played a big part in his fighter mentality during those years.  He had seen it modeled. Not trying to justify,  but it helps me understand why he may have been that way.

But still.  It is lingering in the back of my mind.

Now to back track.  BF came over Friday night while I was cleaning house.  It was totally unexpected.  He just chatted with me while I was doing dishes.

Then he says "I wanted to come over and talk to you about something."

I could tell it was getting deep, fast.

Reader.s Dig.est version, he has thought about it and he thinks he might be ready to really give this commitment thing a shot.

Remembering the good times

I was crushed.  I have finally gotten to a place where I was going to try to move on.  Let my heart be available to another man.

And BF walks in and the wound reopens.

I still love him.  ALOT.  He has an incredibly huge piece of my heart that I have never taken back.

Gut reaction: Tell him yes, I'm in, and send MG packing (remember, this conversation with BF happened before the newsflash about the time in jail).

Intellectual reaction: Question why it has taken losing me 3 times to get him to this place.  And wonder if this is really a turning point, or if he is just lonely without me. 

Note: BF would be on a top 10 list somewhere of guys least likely to be considered a player.  He is about as sincere and honest as they come. He just has TERRIBLE commitment issues.  So that is not why he would be coming back to me now.  He has no intentions of dating anyone else and hasn't in all the times we have been apart.

So I told him I needed to think about it.  Because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again.  The idea of opening myself back up to him and for the end result to be the same (I love you, but I can't bear the thought of blending our families.).

Then Saturday happened.

Sunday I was in a trance.  Wounded to my core.  Confused and conflicted.

Yesterday I was supposed to trick or treat with BF and all of our kids while my oldest son went to an NFL game with My Guy. 

But that afternoon, BF sends me an email telling me that he needs space from me and he would prefer I just drop the kids off to him and he will bring them back home to me.

I felt like I was taking punches left and right.

So what do I do?  Start crying.  Without ceasing.  Enough that my young children even showed me compassion.  (Interestingly, their first question was  "Is this because you miss Brit?")

So now I am here.

I want BF back.  I want my life back.  The life that I thought I would always have with him.  I want the story that I had written in my head that included the two of us getting old together.

However, he will never be attentive like MG.  In 2.5 years, BF has never shown me as much attention and affection as MG has in the past 3 weeks.  MG is crazy about me and would take a bullet for me right now.  He doesn't need time to think about it.  He isn't worried that it might be too hard to have a blended family.  He simply knows he is crazy about me and he would do anything to keep me and make it work.

So what does a girl do?

This girl gets another Diet Coke and keeps a tissue box close.  And emails BF and tells him she wants him back. (Please don't judge, I love him and can't imagine life without him.)

My letter to BF was followed by a returned email that said he cannot deal with my email right now because he had computer problems and work and has to restore his system.  He cannot put the effort into a response to me while he is dealing with a work crisis.

Back to the Diet Coke and tissues.  And reading text messages that are coming in left and right from MG, telling me how much he thinks about me and how special I am.

Twisted.  This little world I live in.

Someone please save me from myself.

Looking for a name

New Guy has made his way into the hearts of my boys.  They are crazy about him.  After last weekend when New Guy and his 3 year old son spent two days with us, they became huge New Guy fans.  And mommy is just as smitten.

I love feeling appreciated.  He talks to me.  Like girls talk to each other.  It is crazy.  I didn't think guys like this existed in the single male world.  He wants to spend time with me and the boys (we have yet to have an alone date!).  He has said to me that he wants to just come alongside me and be part of my world, whatever that entails.  Really?!?!

So I need a name for this guy here in blogland.  I have been thinking about it on and off for days.

Surely something will come to me soon.  I need to find a name soon because he has already done so many blog worthy acts that I would love to start posting about how he has made my life so much more full.



Picture taken this weekend at a Halloween event. Typical of my crazy life. Little Princess on my lap, New Guy's son with my LanMan.  Our idea of a great Saturday night date.

 Hmm.....  the thinking continues.

Did I forget to mention something?

This is a non-adoption related post.  But for those of you who are also navigating the single person world, and even those who aren't, this is just a story that makes you wonder, "What WAS he thinking?..."

I work in a building that has a community fitness center (similar to a YMCA).  Each day for about the last 3 months I have happened to come in around the same time as one of the men who works out here.  We casually talk to each other.  He is really friendly, attractive and easy to talk to.

Lately he has stopped me and talked to me longer than he used to.  Making more of an effort to get my attention and when we do talk it is for longer amounts of time.  We have talked about our divorces, my kids, being a firefighter (he is one, I used to be married to one), and just general life.

Last week I had a message on my office phone.  It was this guy.  The message said "Lisa, this is Mark the firefighter.  Just thought I would leave you my cell number in case you might like to text me some time."

I thought, why not.  He seems really nice and I talk to him all the time.  Give it a shot.

We text messaged until late last Friday night.  He was on duty at the fire department.  We got to the point where we were finishing our conversation for the night.  And Mark typed "Have a great weekend."

Which I thought was a little weird.  Usually when a guy is first interested in a girl he doesn't text her all day long one day and not at all for two more days.  Unless he just didn't like her that much.

I just let it go.  I was busy all weekend.

He was on duty again Monday and starting early that morning, he began texting again.  We talked all day long into the night.

Tuesday came around and we talked at length in the fitness center.  We also exchanged texts throughout the daytime.  He asked me if I could get off work early and go for a motorcycle ride with him.  Obviously that was impractical, but I thanked him.  Then, the text messages stopped coming in the late afternoon.

Today he is back on duty and of course what do I get? An early morning text message.

So I decided, I am going to call him out on this strange pattern of texting.  Below is the exchange that happened between us.

Lisa:

So I just want to ask a question that has been on my mind since we stated talking.  I notice that we talk all day and evening when you are on duty.  But when you are off, we only talk during times when people would normally be at work.  Which makes me curious of your relationship status.  Is this just coincidental or is this true because you are currently in a relationship with someone?

Mark:

I ask that you read all of my answer before judging me.  I am married.  I am sorry if I led you to think otherwise.  It was not my intention to deceive you.  I like talking to you and that is why I asked if you would like to text.  I believe that a man and woman can have a healthy platonic relationship.  You made the statement that your firefighter fantasy was over.  I was not looking for anything more than your friendship.  If you choose not to continue texting I will understand.  I will be sad.  I hope you are not angry with me.

Lisa:

No. Not angry at all.  My best friends are men.  I have plenty of experience with relationships like that.  My issue is with how I am perceived when I have a friendship with a man outside of his wife's knowledge.  I am not exactly the kind of girl that a wife likes her husband 'just chatting' with.  I know better.

That just helps me understand the boundaries of our relationship.  I can handle that.

Thank you for your honesty.  I don't like finding those things out later. I wish you would have been forthright with that part of your life.  I DO think it was purposely omitted.  But I can get past that.

Mark:

I guess I could have come right up to you, shook your hand, introduced myself and said "my name is Mark and I would like to text you, oh, by the way, I am married".  Hmmm...I guess I could have done that. :-)

Lisa:

Or maybe in the course of conversation you could have mentioned your wife or family as a way of giving a social cue that you are married.  That way I could have better determined if I was OK with continuing a relationship with you that was past casual and moved more toward friendship.  Now I DO feel purposely deceived even though you never lied to me.  Generally not an advisable way to make a new friend.  Just sayin'

Mark:

I am truly sorry.  I never meant to deceive you.

Lisa:

I also forgive easily and quickly.

Mark:

Like I have mentioned before, you are a special person.

OK people.  FOR REAL!!!! I am not an idiot.  It was clear from his texts up until today that he was making insinuations that were beyond friendship.  Talking about hugging me, asking me yesterday if I could leave work early and go for a ride with him on his motorcycle.  Just looking for a new friend?.... Do I have stupid written on my forehead?

I wish I could call his wife and tell her.  But no good would come from that.  And I feel dirty and guilty even though I didn't do anything wrong, except believe that I was talking to a single man.

Ah yes, the joys of being a single woman.

So glad the other suitor has turned out to be a wonderful man.  I am looking forward to getting to know him even better.  I am 100% sure he is not married.  Lol!

Closing that chapter, and turning the page

BF and I had a conversation the other night.  Most of it was about our relationship and where it is and where it is going.

Without airing our laundry, the ultimate result was that we agreed that friendship was where our relationship will stand for the future.

It was freeing for me.  I have hung on to a glimmer of hope for nearly two and a half years.  Hope is gone.  I am free to move on.

While we haven't been a couple for some time now, we do everything together and we are best of friends.  Which complicates the emotions for a girl.  I never really disconnected, because I didn't have to.

But I am ready to move on with my life now.  So I had to be clear.  I wanted to say the words and hear him say them back to me.  No lingering questions.  Relationship defined.

So now I can move on without guilt or the slight thought that maybe some day it will be different.

What brought all of this to a head was that I have a suitor who has been standing at the sidelines. He has been a friend to me, but I could tell he wished he could have a chance to be more than a friend.

There was no way that I was going to even consider embarking on any type of relationship with someone else until I was certain my heart was ready to move on.  Especially not him.  He is ready to be emotionally available to someone.  He has been clear that he hoped it would be me.  It would not have been fair to be guarded with my heart because part of it still belonged to BF.

The conversation with BF and me made me certain that I am ready.  I shed no tears (until we talked about Brit, which will be another post).  I was matter of fact, and although I am a little ashamed to admit it, I was relieved that life long friendship was his answer. 

Because I am ready for more.  Ready for someone who is excited about being with me.  Someone who wants to be more than just a good friend.

So, when the new suitor asked me when we might be able to get together, my answer was how about tomorrow.  His response, I can't wait!  (He is excited to spend time with me, what a novel idea!)

Flowers he sent me last week when I was sick.

We have had our first date, strangely enough we were joined by my 18 year old son.  And all three of us had a blast.

I feel joy in my heart.  And I think I like it.

LisaAnne, happy.

PS - He knows about Brit.  He gets it.  He has a first mother and foster parents.  What a blessing.

Still here

I have had a month or so of complete craziness.  Re-entering the dating world.  End of summer activities with the kids.  Beginning of school activities with the kids.  Sports.  Hernia surgery for a child.  An impulsive trip to Nashville for a date with a new suitor.  The usual work load.

All added up, it just has taken my time and attention.  And blog world doesn't rank on the priority list.

It is very interesting to me how dating has impacted my feelings about adoption.  Some of it for the good.  It definitely has served as a distraction from constant adoption obsessing, just because it has taken my time.

Now that I am no longer together with Brit's father, I can at least justify the 'it would have been hard having a child who shuttles between two houses' thought, which is immediately followed by the 'but my other 3 kids live like that and seem to do just fine'. 

Truthfully Brit's father is one of my best friends even today.  If I was going to share parenting with anyone, I would want it to be him.  So that really doesn't help ease my regret much.

But I do appreciate how much easier it is to date and enjoy time with friends when you don't have an 18 month old child at home.  Which is immediately followed by the thought that I would rather have my 18 month old angel at home with me than go out.

Thankfully everyone of the men I have gone out with have known me prior to our first date.  Two were friends of several years, and the newest dating interest is someone who I told immediately when we met, just because I never thought he and I would ever have a dating relationship so I didn't have any perceived risk telling him. 

I am thankful that our relationship started that way, because he is the only one I have continued a dating relationship with (albeit long distance), so he is the one who would be more likely to have to deal with the long term ramifications of my adoption grief.  He was also the same guy who immediately asked if I could get Brit back.  Interesting.

But this last week I have really had some tests to my fortitude.  Serious tests.

Yesterday was exceptionally hard.  I am dealing with a very serious personal issue that has me tormented. Life changing torment.

But during this dark time, I have been so thankful for a dear blog friend I have met out here.  She was someone I could call and be safe telling my deep dark secrets to.  No judgement.  And complete understanding of how this life crisis impacts my feelings as a birthmother.  Because she is one of US.  She is part of the birthmom sorority.

And interestingly enough, I also was able to tell the 'new guy'.  Understand, this is the kind of secret you DON'T tell the new guy.  It's the kind of secret you keep from the new guy at all costs.  But he asked, and I spilled.

And just like his reaction to Brit, his reaction to my secret was very interesting.  He offered to be a solution.  Even though he wasn't part of the problem.

His response gave me a huge wave of relief.

When I was with my counselor last night, she looked at me and said "You told him that!?!"  I said yes, he asked, so I told him.

She was shocked.  Honestly, I still am too.

But it is what it is.  And his reaction is the reason I am able to breathe today.  In addition to the wisdom that the counselor gave me about taking one day at a time and not telling another soul until we can come up with some solutions.  Between those two thoughts, I feel like I have bought myself some time.

So me and my team of confidants are working through this.  My dear blog friend, the new long distance romance man, the counselor and me.

I will take one day at a time.  Appreciating the moments that make me laugh and loving the kids I have with me right now.

On a related note, another dream last night.  In the dream BF called Brit's father and asked if we could see her over this long holiday weekend.  He kindly told BF that they were not comfortable with a relationship like that with us.

In the dream, I left and walked miles in the rain.  BF stayed at a party and watched me walk away.  We were both grief stricken, but it was interesting the difference in our reactions. 

Mind you, BF would never go to a party and drown his grief in beer in real life, but he would go on as if nothing had happened.  I, on the other hand, would do just what I did in the dream.  I punished myself by walking and crying in the rain, feeling all alone.

Dreams are very interesting aren't they.

I did send BF an email this morning and told him the dream.  He consoled me electronically.  And he told me that he is going to try to call Brit's dad and see if they can find a time to go out with each other and have a drink and chat.  He thinks if he and Brit's dad can sit down face to face, maybe he can have a heart to heart talk with him about how much we would like to have a more open relationship with them with regard to more regular visits with Brit.  Oh how I hope it works.

So there you have it. 

Random heartbreak from LisaAnne.

Yet, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I am such a conflicted person.  I must be a girl. :)

I can still be happy

One of the hardest things in the beginning of being a birthmom was allowing myself to be happy.  I didn't want to be happy.  I didn't want to feel better.  I wanted to wallow in grief and never come out.

Now 16 months after Brit was born, I am finally feeling like I can allow myself some moments of joy.  I can do things and not immediately remember that I am a birthmother.  Now the moments are fleeting, but at least I am having them.

Of course I never ever forget about Brit, just like I don't forget about my parented children.  But little by little I am allowing myself to move forward with my life, in spite of the pain.

I had a first date last night and had a wonderful evening.  Thankfully he is someone I have known casually for a couple of years and he knows my story.  Maybe not in its entirety, but he knows I had a child last year and he knows she was adopted.

So I didn't feel like I had to hide anything.  Which in itself is freeing.

I cannot fathom what it will be like if I ever date a stranger.  How will I ever explain my sweet Brit?  I would want it to be known right up front, but I also don't want it to be the only defining part of me. (Even though it consumes me.)

I need to think about how I will handle that in the future, now that her BF and I are no longer a couple and I do plan to date.