Thursday, October 20, 2011

Did I forget to mention something?

This is a non-adoption related post.  But for those of you who are also navigating the single person world, and even those who aren't, this is just a story that makes you wonder, "What WAS he thinking?..."

I work in a building that has a community fitness center (similar to a YMCA).  Each day for about the last 3 months I have happened to come in around the same time as one of the men who works out here.  We casually talk to each other.  He is really friendly, attractive and easy to talk to.

Lately he has stopped me and talked to me longer than he used to.  Making more of an effort to get my attention and when we do talk it is for longer amounts of time.  We have talked about our divorces, my kids, being a firefighter (he is one, I used to be married to one), and just general life.

Last week I had a message on my office phone.  It was this guy.  The message said "Lisa, this is Mark the firefighter.  Just thought I would leave you my cell number in case you might like to text me some time."

I thought, why not.  He seems really nice and I talk to him all the time.  Give it a shot.

We text messaged until late last Friday night.  He was on duty at the fire department.  We got to the point where we were finishing our conversation for the night.  And Mark typed "Have a great weekend."

Which I thought was a little weird.  Usually when a guy is first interested in a girl he doesn't text her all day long one day and not at all for two more days.  Unless he just didn't like her that much.

I just let it go.  I was busy all weekend.

He was on duty again Monday and starting early that morning, he began texting again.  We talked all day long into the night.

Tuesday came around and we talked at length in the fitness center.  We also exchanged texts throughout the daytime.  He asked me if I could get off work early and go for a motorcycle ride with him.  Obviously that was impractical, but I thanked him.  Then, the text messages stopped coming in the late afternoon.

Today he is back on duty and of course what do I get? An early morning text message.

So I decided, I am going to call him out on this strange pattern of texting.  Below is the exchange that happened between us.

So I just want to ask a question that has been on my mind since we stated talking.  I notice that we talk all day and evening when you are on duty.  But when you are off, we only talk during times when people would normally be at work.  Which makes me curious of your relationship status.  Is this just coincidental or is this true because you are currently in a relationship with someone?
I ask that you read all of my answer before judging me.  I am married.  I am sorry if I led you to think otherwise.  It was not my intention to deceive you.  I like talking to you and that is why I asked if you would like to text.  I believe that a man and woman can have a healthy platonic relationship.  You made the statement that your firefighter fantasy was over.  I was not looking for anything more than your friendship.  If you choose not to continue texting I will understand.  I will be sad.  I hope you are not angry with me.
No. Not angry at all.  My best friends are men.  I have plenty of experience with relationships like that.  My issue is with how I am perceived when I have a friendship with a man outside of his wife's knowledge.  I am not exactly the kind of girl that a wife likes her husband 'just chatting' with.  I know better.
That just helps me understand the boundaries of our relationship.  I can handle that.

Thank you for your honesty.  I don't like finding those things out later. I wish you would have been forthright with that part of your life.  I DO think it was purposely omitted.  But I can get past that.
I guess I could have come right up to you, shook your hand, introduced myself and said "my name is Mark and I would like to text you, oh, by the way, I am married".  Hmmm...I guess I could have done that. :-)
Or maybe in the course of conversation you could have mentioned your wife or family as a way of giving a social cue that you are married.  That way I could have better determined if I was OK with continuing a relationship with you that was past casual and moved more toward friendship.  Now I DO feel purposely deceived even though you never lied to me.  Generally not an advisable way to make a new friend.  Just sayin'
I am truly sorry.  I never meant to deceive you.
I also forgive easily and quickly.
Like I have mentioned before, you are a special person.

OK people.  FOR REAL!!!! I am not an idiot.  It was clear from his texts up until today that he was making insinuations that were beyond friendship.  Talking about hugging me, asking me yesterday if I could leave work early and go for a ride with him on his motorcycle.  Just looking for a new friend?.... Do I have stupid written on my forehead?

I wish I could call his wife and tell her.  But no good would come from that.  And I feel dirty and guilty even though I didn't do anything wrong, except believe that I was talking to a single man.

Ah yes, the joys of being a single woman.

So glad the other suitor has turned out to be a wonderful man.  I am looking forward to getting to know him even better.  I am 100% sure he is not married.  Lol!


Jenn said...

Seriously? He asked you to leave work early to go on a "ride" with him and he's just looking to be your friend?

Trust your gut on this one. If it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't...

LisaAnne said...

There is no question about this one. He is not even a friend candidate. Anyone who would be so deceitful to his wife is not someone I want as a friend of mine.

Our 'friendship' is over.

Monika said...

I so agree with both of you. Trust your gut. I feel sorry for his wife, and I'm sorry he was deceitful to you too.

Bumber's Bumblings said...

uggh that makes me sick! Men like that need to...well I better not say it! Good for you for trusting your instincts and his weird texting patterns!

Amber said...

How funny - I have a VERY similar tale in my life. Mine was a cop. Married. Hitting on me hard, but just looking for a "friend." Coincidence?!

Men are so silly.

On Loan From Heaven said...

Nu-Uh!! You're SERIOUS??!?!

His poor wife... she NEEDS to know! You know me... let's pray about it and then I'LL tell her... LoL!! Proud of you, hon!

AND... moving on...


ms. marginalia said...

I have so had this happen to me before! It is WRONG. I don't understand why men cannot be honest about who they are, where they are in their lives, and what is going on. I have felt dirty and used. It's gross. Just say you're married! It's no big deal. I feel so sorry for their wives, I really do.

Good for you, Lisa, for calling him out on it. You are strong and ethical and wonderful. Maybe he'll think twice before lying by omission next time.


Anonymous said...

Fireman, Fo Real! What an idiot!!!!! Jeano

Anonymous said...

What a jerk! Good for you for calling him out. I feel bad for his wife - you know this can't be the first nor the last time he does this.