So today (when I am in a good place mentally, for whatever reason), I have decided to pick up my bag full of crisis and conflict and carry it with me on this journey called life.
Things are going really well with My Guy (thank you blog friends for naming him). He is attentive, kind and my kids still love him. He spends every waking minute with us. It is so nice having someone who is head over heels crazy about me.
Pretty sure any girl who was in this relationship would be spinning in love.
But not this girl. Oh no. We can't have a nice, normal fellow courting me. That would be simple. Down right boring.
We need to sprinkle in a healthy dose of tragedy or unresolved conflict.
And like every good story reads, the plot must develop and take an unexpected turn...
How about a sordid history? Add unrequited love too. Yes, that would work.
|Real momma, daughter and ex-step momma|
|My Guy and me at the bar|
Here is what I learned. He has been in jail. Yes jail. For 3 years. Yes, 3 YEARS! He got into a fight (apparently he has gotten into many fights), and he harmed someone very badly. Fortunately it was not permanent, but it could have been devastating.
He was a model prisoner and now speaks about violence and consequences to students. He was released from jail and immediately resumed his coaching position at a local community college. Seems his home town felt he was rehabilitated.
That was 11 years ago.
Tell me, what does a girl do with that kind of information?
Intellectual reaction: Use compassion and know that I have made poor decisions in the past too. He has paid his penalty and is a better person because of it. He seems to be a very good man. He has gotten into no trouble since then and was even married to a woman who is in the corrections line of work. She believed he was different. Enough so that she married him. Is this mine to judge?
I also understand that having a father who was a professional fighter in Las Vegas probably played a big part in his fighter mentality during those years. He had seen it modeled. Not trying to justify, but it helps me understand why he may have been that way.
But still. It is lingering in the back of my mind.
Now to back track. BF came over Friday night while I was cleaning house. It was totally unexpected. He just chatted with me while I was doing dishes.
Then he says "I wanted to come over and talk to you about something."
I could tell it was getting deep, fast.
Reader.s Dig.est version, he has thought about it and he thinks he might be ready to really give this commitment thing a shot.
|Remembering the good times|
And BF walks in and the wound reopens.
I still love him. ALOT. He has an incredibly huge piece of my heart that I have never taken back.
Gut reaction: Tell him yes, I'm in, and send MG packing (remember, this conversation with BF happened before the newsflash about the time in jail).
Intellectual reaction: Question why it has taken losing me 3 times to get him to this place. And wonder if this is really a turning point, or if he is just lonely without me.
Note: BF would be on a top 10 list somewhere of guys least likely to be considered a player. He is about as sincere and honest as they come. He just has TERRIBLE commitment issues. So that is not why he would be coming back to me now. He has no intentions of dating anyone else and hasn't in all the times we have been apart.
So I told him I needed to think about it. Because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again. The idea of opening myself back up to him and for the end result to be the same (I love you, but I can't bear the thought of blending our families.).
Then Saturday happened.
Sunday I was in a trance. Wounded to my core. Confused and conflicted.
Yesterday I was supposed to trick or treat with BF and all of our kids while my oldest son went to an NFL game with My Guy.
But that afternoon, BF sends me an email telling me that he needs space from me and he would prefer I just drop the kids off to him and he will bring them back home to me.
I felt like I was taking punches left and right.
So what do I do? Start crying. Without ceasing. Enough that my young children even showed me compassion. (Interestingly, their first question was "Is this because you miss Brit?")
So now I am here.
I want BF back. I want my life back. The life that I thought I would always have with him. I want the story that I had written in my head that included the two of us getting old together.
However, he will never be attentive like MG. In 2.5 years, BF has never shown me as much attention and affection as MG has in the past 3 weeks. MG is crazy about me and would take a bullet for me right now. He doesn't need time to think about it. He isn't worried that it might be too hard to have a blended family. He simply knows he is crazy about me and he would do anything to keep me and make it work.
So what does a girl do?
This girl gets another Diet Coke and keeps a tissue box close. And emails BF and tells him she wants him back. (Please don't judge, I love him and can't imagine life without him.)
My letter to BF was followed by a returned email that said he cannot deal with my email right now because he had computer problems and work and has to restore his system. He cannot put the effort into a response to me while he is dealing with a work crisis.
Back to the Diet Coke and tissues. And reading text messages that are coming in left and right from MG, telling me how much he thinks about me and how special I am.
Twisted. This little world I live in.
Someone please save me from myself.