I can still be happy

One of the hardest things in the beginning of being a birthmom was allowing myself to be happy.  I didn't want to be happy.  I didn't want to feel better.  I wanted to wallow in grief and never come out.

Now 16 months after Brit was born, I am finally feeling like I can allow myself some moments of joy.  I can do things and not immediately remember that I am a birthmother.  Now the moments are fleeting, but at least I am having them.

Of course I never ever forget about Brit, just like I don't forget about my parented children.  But little by little I am allowing myself to move forward with my life, in spite of the pain.

I had a first date last night and had a wonderful evening.  Thankfully he is someone I have known casually for a couple of years and he knows my story.  Maybe not in its entirety, but he knows I had a child last year and he knows she was adopted.

So I didn't feel like I had to hide anything.  Which in itself is freeing.

I cannot fathom what it will be like if I ever date a stranger.  How will I ever explain my sweet Brit?  I would want it to be known right up front, but I also don't want it to be the only defining part of me. (Even though it consumes me.)

I need to think about how I will handle that in the future, now that her BF and I are no longer a couple and I do plan to date.