Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I can still be happy

One of the hardest things in the beginning of being a birthmom was allowing myself to be happy.  I didn't want to be happy.  I didn't want to feel better.  I wanted to wallow in grief and never come out.

Now 16 months after Brit was born, I am finally feeling like I can allow myself some moments of joy.  I can do things and not immediately remember that I am a birthmother.  Now the moments are fleeting, but at least I am having them.

Of course I never ever forget about Brit, just like I don't forget about my parented children.  But little by little I am allowing myself to move forward with my life, in spite of the pain.

I had a first date last night and had a wonderful evening.  Thankfully he is someone I have known casually for a couple of years and he knows my story.  Maybe not in its entirety, but he knows I had a child last year and he knows she was adopted.

So I didn't feel like I had to hide anything.  Which in itself is freeing.

I cannot fathom what it will be like if I ever date a stranger.  How will I ever explain my sweet Brit?  I would want it to be known right up front, but I also don't want it to be the only defining part of me. (Even though it consumes me.)

I need to think about how I will handle that in the future, now that her BF and I are no longer a couple and I do plan to date.


Monika said...

It's okay to laugh and smile...and even date. By LIVING your life, you're honoring not only the choice you made, you're honoring Brit at the same time! I'm glad you had such a great time last night and that this guy knows your story. I think you're wise to plan to tell anyone else (a stranger) right up front. After all, I know you're not ashamed of Brit just like you're not ashamed of your parented children. :-) Something sticks with me: it's better to be hated for who you are (a birthmom and a mom - to Brit and your other kiddos) than to be loved for who you're not. *hugs* :-)

m&msmommy said...

Ohhhh, I can FINALLY comment again!!! I haven't been able to comment in FOREVER!

I am SO glad to see that you are finding moments of happiness, even if it's only a teeny bit. You deserve it! :)

I've been praying and will continue to pray! :)

Wsbirthmom said...

I am not ready to share that I have done this with a stranger. I haven't forgiven myself can't imagine anyone else would understand either.

It's times like these that make me wonder, how am I ever going to have what I really long for when I am too afraid of the judgement.

So glad you had a great time on your date. (HUG)