Thursday, September 1, 2011

Still here

I have had a month or so of complete craziness.  Re-entering the dating world.  End of summer activities with the kids.  Beginning of school activities with the kids.  Sports.  Hernia surgery for a child.  An impulsive trip to Nashville for a date with a new suitor.  The usual work load.

All added up, it just has taken my time and attention.  And blog world doesn't rank on the priority list.

It is very interesting to me how dating has impacted my feelings about adoption.  Some of it for the good.  It definitely has served as a distraction from constant adoption obsessing, just because it has taken my time.

Now that I am no longer together with Brit's father, I can at least justify the 'it would have been hard having a child who shuttles between two houses' thought, which is immediately followed by the 'but my other 3 kids live like that and seem to do just fine'

Truthfully Brit's father is one of my best friends even today.  If I was going to share parenting with anyone, I would want it to be him.  So that really doesn't help ease my regret much.

But I do appreciate how much easier it is to date and enjoy time with friends when you don't have an 18 month old child at home.  Which is immediately followed by the thought that I would rather have my 18 month old angel at home with me than go out.

Thankfully everyone of the men I have gone out with have known me prior to our first date.  Two were friends of several years, and the newest dating interest is someone who I told immediately when we met, just because I never thought he and I would ever have a dating relationship so I didn't have any perceived risk telling him. 

I am thankful that our relationship started that way, because he is the only one I have continued a dating relationship with (albeit long distance), so he is the one who would be more likely to have to deal with the long term ramifications of my adoption grief.  He was also the same guy who immediately asked if I could get Brit back.  Interesting.

But this last week I have really had some tests to my fortitude.  Serious tests.

Yesterday was exceptionally hard.  I am dealing with a very serious personal issue that has me tormented. Life changing torment.

But during this dark time, I have been so thankful for a dear blog friend I have met out here.  She was someone I could call and be safe telling my deep dark secrets to.  No judgement.  And complete understanding of how this life crisis impacts my feelings as a birthmother.  Because she is one of US.  She is part of the birthmom sorority.

And interestingly enough, I also was able to tell the 'new guy'.  Understand, this is the kind of secret you DON'T tell the new guy.  It's the kind of secret you keep from the new guy at all costs.  But he asked, and I spilled.

And just like his reaction to Brit, his reaction to my secret was very interesting.  He offered to be a solution.  Even though he wasn't part of the problem.

His response gave me a huge wave of relief.

When I was with my counselor last night, she looked at me and said "You told him that!?!"  I said yes, he asked, so I told him.

She was shocked.  Honestly, I still am too.

But it is what it is.  And his reaction is the reason I am able to breathe today.  In addition to the wisdom that the counselor gave me about taking one day at a time and not telling another soul until we can come up with some solutions.  Between those two thoughts, I feel like I have bought myself some time.

So me and my team of confidants are working through this.  My dear blog friend, the new long distance romance man, the counselor and me.

I will take one day at a time.  Appreciating the moments that make me laugh and loving the kids I have with me right now.

On a related note, another dream last night.  In the dream BF called Brit's father and asked if we could see her over this long holiday weekend.  He kindly told BF that they were not comfortable with a relationship like that with us.

In the dream, I left and walked miles in the rain.  BF stayed at a party and watched me walk away.  We were both grief stricken, but it was interesting the difference in our reactions. 

Mind you, BF would never go to a party and drown his grief in beer in real life, but he would go on as if nothing had happened.  I, on the other hand, would do just what I did in the dream.  I punished myself by walking and crying in the rain, feeling all alone.

Dreams are very interesting aren't they.

I did send BF an email this morning and told him the dream.  He consoled me electronically.  And he told me that he is going to try to call Brit's dad and see if they can find a time to go out with each other and have a drink and chat.  He thinks if he and Brit's dad can sit down face to face, maybe he can have a heart to heart talk with him about how much we would like to have a more open relationship with them with regard to more regular visits with Brit.  Oh how I hope it works.

So there you have it. 

Random heartbreak from LisaAnne.

Yet, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I am such a conflicted person.  I must be a girl. :)

4 comments:

m&msmommy said...

I pray for you and your family everyday! I hope that whatever the secret is, you are able to find resolution and peace.

Continuing to pray... :)

Anonymous said...

As an Adoptive Mom, I have gotten so much out of reading your blog. We have very limited contact with our child's birthmom - the design of the adoption agency...not really sure how our BM feels. I do know she had full access to us for over a year & only chose to contact us twice within the first 2 months. Anyway, I think of her often...pray for her always...thank God daily for her & our child. You keep it all real for me. You help me realize the other side of adoption. Please know that you, as well as our BM, are always in my prayers. I hope you will soon find the answers you are searching for! - Sherylynn

birthmothertalks said...

((((hugs))))

ritehere said...

((hugs)) I totally understand the if I hadn't relinquished I wouldn't be able to go out right now but I would give it all up just to be raising my kid type thing. I have random moments of that, especially when I am having a great time there are times when I excuse myself because I get sad and there isn't anything anyone else can do. It is what it is. I always feel so bad that I am going out when if I had been raising my son I would be at home with him. An easy compromise in my mind.

Anyway, I am so glad you have a good support system. Hopefully Brit's father has the opportunity to sit down with the adad and have that heart to heart. I so hope that for you!!