The roller coaster of emotion that comes with adoption can take its toll on a person. I have seen several posts lately from some of my favorite bloggers saying they are taking time off from the adoption world discussions. Boy, I can understand that. I hope they return soon, refreshed and willing to share again. But I can understand if it takes a while.
I too have needed some relief for some time now. I see that my posts have gotten progressively more sad and melancholy.
I don't want to be that girl.
My adoption story is not all rainbows and butterflies. Those of you who read regularly know that. But it also isn't bad. My daughter has great parents who love her very much. They send me monthly updates with photos. I know how she is growing and changing. I do not have to imagine, because I get to see pictures and read stories.
However, I find that all I can focus on is what I DON'T have. I don't have that intimate kind of relationship with her adoptive family that many of you share with your adoption triad. I am held at a distance, instead of embraced.
I don't get sweet text messages and pictures when Brit does something cute. I have never once had a friendly phone call with her parents since her birth.
This weekend I was once again reminded of how friends of friends are allowed more time with Brit than I am. My sister found out that one of her dear friends is also a close friend of Brit's mother's sister (Brit's aunt). I met this friend at a restaurant while I was out with Brit's BF (yes, we were out together again). After we met briefly, my sister and her friend went out for the evening. My sister's friend was asking about my children and somehow my sister and her friend put two and two together, and my sister's friend told her how she has met Brit and knows their family well. Really? A friend of the aunt has spent time with my birthdaughter, and I have had one visit for two hours.
Yes, my mind went down that yucky path when I found that out. Of course, as a nice birthmother, I did not say a single negative word out loud. I just keep them in my head where they swirl around and create a life of their own.
I don't want that.
I want to focus on the positive. I want to be loving and understanding. Not bitter.
Adoption takes strength I wish I never had to find. It has caused me to face my selfishness. To deal with my lack of faith that God truly can make beauty from ashes.
I want to do a better job of being still and waiting. And trusting that there is a reason for today's suffering.
The truth is I cannot do anymore to change my current circumstances. I placed my daughter with another family. No matter how much pain, regret and remorse I have about this now, the decision has been made and cannot be undone.
I have never before been in a position like this one. Every thing that I have ever done or not done in my lifetime, I could do something later to 'undo' it.
Not with this decision.
So where does that leave me?
I suppose I get to choose what I do now.
So here is what I choose. I am going to use my experiences for the good of someone else.
What I have lived through can be used for the benefit of someone else who is either traveling my same path, or who may be dealing with that pivotal decision that could put her here.
And maybe by sharing my experiences and feelings I can also be a resource to adoptive parents to help understand what their birthmother might be feeling.
I know I am just one birthmother, and I do not represent all birthmothers. But I am one. And what I think and feel is real for me.
Maybe it will make a difference.