The Valentine package

Dear Brit,

We got an email from your dad last night telling us what you are up to these days.  Sounds like you have finally mastered the big girl pants. Hooray for no more diapers!

I chuckled as I read about you and your little brother emptying out the dresser and putting all the clothes in the crib.  Sounds like the kind of thing that would happen in a house full of toddlers.

Your dad also said that you are quite the chatty girl now.  And your response to everything is "really".

But by far our favorite line in the entire email was when he told us you have an imaginary chicken that you chase through the house.  I laughed and laughed when I heard that.

I looked up at BF and I said "I wonder who she gets THAT from!"

He immediately looked back and me and said "She gets her curly hair from me, and her eyes from me, but there is absolutely no question that she gets chasing imaginary chickens through the house from YOU!"

He's probably right.

I hope you got your Valentine's Day package that we sent to you.  We just love picking out special things for you and we delight in imagining you playing with them, reading them, wearing them or eating them.

The entire package of Valentine fun

The chocolates taped to a Valentine plate

 This time I included chocolates, which I hope brought you great joy.  It is funny to me because I don't like chocolate at all so I don't even think about sending it to you, but from what I have heard, you seem to love chocolate enough to make up for chocolate that I don't eat!

Our card to you

Your hair clips

We also included hair clips and piggy tail holders, not that you like to wear them, but we felt like we should at least send them to try to help you tame that crazy mass of curls that we love so much!

Only one more month until your third birthday.  It is amazing how you are growing up.  We anxiously await being able to have a visit with you again.  And more than anything we long for the day that we can have an ongoing relationship with you.  We keep telling ourselves that each day that passes is another day closer to that relationship we long for.  We want you to be able to know first hand the love we have for you.

Thinking about and loving you from a distance.

Long time no post

Yes, I am alive and well.  Thank you to everyone who left comments and sent me private messages.  It was so nice to see that so many people even noticed that I have been quiet.

Me, my sister and our friend
on our weekend getaway

There is no dramatic reason for the lack of posting.  It is just the reality of a very busy life with our boys.  My every minute seems to be filled with ball practices, games and meetings of every kind.  We also had some sad days as one of my son's friends was killed in a car accident.  BF and I went away for a weekend with my sister and some friends, which was great fun.  There just always seems to be something that keeps us so busy.  But all in all, we have been well and just living and loving each other.

I have been a bit more active on the FB side of adoption land lately.  I am part of several adoption related groups and I have also been researching and reading so much about adoption, specifically how adoption affects adoptees.  One of my favorite new blogs is Adoptee Restoration.  The author, Deanna Shrodes, is amazing.  She says it like it is, which is often not how our society wants to hear it.  I am always anxious for her next post.  She is bold and outspoken, and I think she seriously ROCKS.  I love her Christian perspective on adoption.  Very different from what you would expect.  If you are involved in adoption in any way I suggest you follow her.  It is challenging to me every time I read her blog posts.

During my quiet time away from my blog, I have also been chatting back and forth with some of my adoptive mom friends and a couple of birthmother friends.  It seems like it has been a really tough month for lots of us.

I will say that one of my super amazing adoptive mom friends did have a great experience when her daughter's birthmother emailed back after months of complete silence.  It was so wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time to see how my friend was longing for a connection to her daughter's first family and how the silence was just killing her.  Then the email came in, followed by an exchange of text messages and now hopefully there can be continued conversation between the two of them.

This particular adoptive mother and I were texting each other and she shared with me the text exchange she had just had with her daughter's first mother and I will admit, I cried as I read one of the messages she sent to her daughter's first mother.  She said "Well let me know if you have any questions or want a picture or something.  You're her mom too, we want you in our family!"

Yes, an adoptive mom said that to her daughter's first mother.

And it isn't just lip service.  This adoptive mom has over and over again talked to me about how she doesn't know how to have more interaction with her daughter's first family.  She has written letters and sent emails and she just sits and waits to hear back.  She desperately wants her daughter to know her other family too.  That is one lucky little girl.  She has a mom who gets it.  Her mom wants her to feel whole, knowing all of the things that make her who she is.  I am so glad she has become my friend.

So with that, I am going to sign off for today, because I need to head home to my boys.  But I have a blog post that I have been dying to write about birthmothers that I may try to sit down and sort through this evening.

And above all else, I will sit with my phone in my hand just waiting for the email update, since today is the 25th...

BF and me under the neon lights on our trip

My sweet LanMan after his
last basketball game of the season

Dear Brit

Dear Brit,

Just wanted to let you know that I bought your first birthday gift this weekend.  Yes, I realize your birthday isn't until 2 months from now, but I just loved it.

BF and I talked about it on Saturday and we are excited to customize it for you.

But my favorite part is that it is sitting on top of my dresser and I see it all the time.  It is a little reminder of you.  And the thought that it will sit on your dresser someday soon makes me smile.

We love you so much!

A letter to other adoptive parents

The following was posted on Birthmothers 4 Adoption blog last week.  I just now read it and I am in awe of this anonymous adoptive mother and her insight.  However I have 'met' many adoptive mothers like her, and they have real, satisfying relationships with their child's birthfamilies.  It can be a thing of extraordinary beauty, I know it because I see it.  My favorite line from this letter is highlighted.  So very true...

A letter to Other Adoptive Parents

There is an issue that has been weighing on my mind lately. I have heard from a number of birthmothers who chose open adoption who feel forgotten by and disconnected from the families that adopted their baby. Some have had promises broken, some do not have the contact that was discussed, others have felt that they have become an afterthought or no thought given to them at all. It is heart breaking to see their longing to participate in a relationship.

I know that as parents we are busy. I get it- babies take time, there is sleep deprivation and the search for the elusive binkies and time to shower. Then as time goes by there is school, sports, practices, activities, figuring out what is for dinner, homework, grocery shopping, work and still finding time to shower. I get it-  we are parenting- loving, worrying, teaching, helping, hoping. It is all encompassing. Free time and social time can often disappear. It is joyous and wonderful and the most difficult thing- to be the parent we want to be. But we can’t forget- we are able to be a parent to this child because of the sacrifice of another. There is another who loves your child, who worries and hopes and loves.

Now I am not asking you to continually worship at the pedestal of   “birthmother”- this idea is distasteful to everyone involved- what I am asking you to do is to remove the pedestal and recognize that your child’s birthmother is a human being with whom you can have a real human relationship. Will this relationship look the same for every adoptive family? Of course not. Every family, every birthmother, every child is different. But what we can, as adoptive families do, is to get to know our child’s birthmother and find out what her needs are, what her hopes are and be open to this relationship evolving. I am begging you not to forget that placement was a beginning, not an ending.

I am asking every adoptive family to examine their feelings, attitudes and relationships in regards to birthparents. What is keeping us from having a real relationship? A relationship with give and take? Acknowledgement of the role they play in the creation of our families? Again this will look different for everyone, but ask yourself if what you are giving is truly what is wanted, what is truly your best effort? Is a few email updates a year really what is wanted? Is that really a relationship?

Unless your child’s birthmother tells you, I have always found that more is better than less. What keeps you from giving more? Is it fear? Fear of what? The unknown? Fear of the “worst case adoption scenario”- which for the record happens mostly on tv. Is it fear of being hurt or your child being hurt? Are you fearful of managing another relationship? Of boundaries? That someone (maybe you, maybe them) might say something inappropriate or hurtful? Is it fear that by including your child’s birthmother, it somehow makes your family less, instead of more? 

Adoption is about love, not fear. As we open our hearts to our children- how can we not open our hearts to their birthmother? How can we not let her know of our love by thoughtful communication and acknowledgement?  Will our children’s birthmother always be in our first thoughts daily? Not usually- that place is often reserved for our children, but she should not be relegated to our last thoughts or not thought of at all. Our children’s birthmothers should not be a box to check off- yep, sent the yearly update- but we should have a sincere desire to let her know who our child is becoming. Be secure in your role in your child’s life. We share our children with many people- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, why would we shut out the very person who gave them life?

I have met many birthmothers and I have yet to meet one who wants to “co-parent”. Their sincerest desire is to know and have a relationship with you and the child that they placed for adoption. That is why they chose open adoption. It is not to interfere with your family. They will never forget the baby they placed, the baby they broke their own hearts for. Please don’t forget them. I am not asking you to be best friends, but I am asking that you keep your promises, that you open your heart, that you acknowledge this unique human relationship, that you create what works in your family for the entire adoption triad, not just what is easiest in your busy life. Please remember that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, but we can put forth our best effort. I have different relationships with my children’s birthmothers- one is easy, one is not as easy- I sometimes have to remind myself not to be offended, as I believe she means no offense- but I can’t imagine not having and maintaining regular contact. I believe that this is best for me, for them and for my children.

Please, families, if you have lost contact, lessened contact or pulled away, even unintentionally, consider the effect this has had on your child’s birthmother and what effect it may have on your child, now and in the future. Can you imagine how a birthmother feels when the adoptive family doesn’t even send pictures anymore? Examine your interactions, are they sincere? Can you do more?

Please let faith replace fear and let open adoption be a joy in your life.

Sincerely,

An Adoptive Mom

Dear Brit

Dearest Brit,

Usually when I sit down to write you a letter, I have something in particular in mind.  Today I do not have anything to share.  Honestly, I am writing because you have been on my mind without ceasing for weeks now.  My heart aches with love for you that I am unable to share with you in person.

I know the holidays have alot to do with that, because that is when we want to be with our extended family.  And obviously we have no interaction with you at all at this point.  Needless to say, we miss you.  We wish so desperately that we could have a visit with you during that time just so we could let you know how much we love you too.  The kind of visit that families have during the holidays.  We continue to hope and pray that someday soon that will happen.

We did send you your Christmas gifts and we hope that you got to enjoy them.  I loved picking out your outfit.  BF, J (your oldest brother) and I all went to a special store called Sparkle and spent all kinds of time looking for the perfect thing to get you.  It was funny to watch the big boys looking at tutus, sparkle shirts, tights and shoes.  For what it's worth, BF found the adorable little shoes for you and they might be my favorite part of the outfit.  He was pretty proud that he found shoes to match the crazy shirt we got you.  I hope you love them as much as we did.  They might be a little big right now, but I'm sure they are still fun for dress up.  We would sure love to see a picture of you wearing the outfit someday.

We all three laughed out loud as I picked out the bow to include with the outfit because we have never seen you with any kind of fancy hair bow, and your hair is crazy and out of control.  I had never seen a white blonde afro until we saw yours.  Your hair cracks us up every time we see a picture of it

I was also so very proud of BF again this year because he picked out your LeapPad and accessories to go with it.  He was so excited the day he brought it home because he had found online that you could download games from your favorite TV show O.omiZo.omi.  I hope your parents were able to download that for you and I also hope you like using your fancy little electronic pad.  If you ever come to visit, make sure you bring it with you because that is exactly what your brothers do all day long.  They all walk around with their i.Pads, often wearing their own headsets, playing games, or listening to music.  Now that their teachers use the iP.ads for school work, they even use them at night to do their homework.  We are a fully electronic household now!  You would fit in perfectly with your own little device. :)

The little wooden doll set that we sent to you was an impulse buy that we just loved because the character that you dress up has the same name as your middle name.  When I walked by the set in the store I immediately stopped and had to get it for you.  I hope you like dressing her up.  It sure looked like fun.

We have had lots and lots of talk about you around our house the last couple of weeks.  It makes me so happy when we say your name and talk about how we hope our future includes knowing you better.  BF and I have talked ALOT about that lately.  The boys chime in from time to time and will often ask if we have heard anything from your parents.  They too still have hope that maybe soon we might get a little more access to you and your family.  We keep praying.

So as I wrap up today, I thought I would share a few photos with you so you can know what your brothers look like right now.  LanMan and B are both 13 right now and they are as silly as can be.  I love how they are best of friends.  They crack us up every single day.  They are so much fun, and so very funny, especially when they are together.  This is a picture of the the outfits that the two of them wore to our family Christmas celebration.  They wanted to make a holiday statement.  I think they did.  Everyone got a good laugh out of it.

 D won't let me take his picture anymore.  So usually I have to sneak up on him and rarely does the picture turn out.  But this one I was able to snap of him after a basketball game last weekend.  We were at the bowling alley having a huge family gathering because my sister who lives in California was in town for a few days.

Your brother T will always let me take his picture.  This is a piggy bank that he got for Christmas.  He really likes the Kansas City Chiefs which is unfortunate since they can't seem to win games.  Maybe by the time you are older they will be a better team.  We can only hope!

This is a picture of me and 3 of my 4 sisters and our dad.  One of the girls had to work.  The girl with the red hair is the sister from California.  She's the only one who doesn't live here locally with us.  She is an  actress and singer in California.  Just this week she found out they are using a song she recently recorded in a new Disney movie coming out soon.  It has Selena Gomez in it.  We will have to watch for it to come out.  You'll love meeting her someday.  She's so interesting.




My dad also got all of us girls fun hats for Christmas.  This picture has the sister who was missing from the first photo in it (far left), but my sister from California wasn't in town yet when we opened the hats so she is missing from this photo.  One of these days all 5 of us will be together for a group picture!  The baby I am holding is my youngest sister's (the girl sitting next to me) newborn daughter.  We are crazy in love with her and all fight to hold her.

And finally a photo of me and BF.  Sometimes I think he may not ever fully smile.  Bless his heart, he just always looks like smiling is hard for him.  I will tell you that he really is a happy guy, so I'm not quite sure why his smile looks so forced.  I love him anyway. <3


So we hope you know how very much we love you and we are looking forward to the day that we can shower you with that love and include you in some of our special family gatherings.  You are never far from our minds and you are always in our hearts.

We love you so much and can't wait for our relationship to develop with you.

Much love to you,

Lisa and BF

Again, a post so defining, it must be shared

(Lori) Lavender Luz gets open adoption.  She completely and fully embraces openness.  The real kind of openness where her children's fullness is her first priority, therefore her children's first parents are a part of their family.  Because they belong there.  They are as much a part of her children's sense of identity as is their membership in her family.

But this post that she shares about how open adoption is not necessarily a spectrum based on level of contact, but more like a grid, is completely and totally profound and spot on to me.  Openess is not determined just by amount of contact, but by quality of interaction.

The open adoption spectrum and grid

Please read and let me know what you think.  It just amazed me that she is so introspectful and able to articulate these concepts so well.

Here is the graphic that she includes...

There Can Never Be Too Much Love

In an attempt to highlight the good in open adoption I want to share the following blog post written by an adult adoptee.

Death by Great Wall: There Can Never Be Too Much Love:

Susan describes why I will continue for my entire lifetime to reach out to my daughter and her family.  Because all we want is to be able to love her and support her.  Because we too believe what Susan calls out here...

"What I would like adoptive parents to know is that the adopted person has two families, recognized or not, and battles about which is more important are non-productive and can be corrosive to the adoptee's soul. As a grown adoptee, my message is simple: love is and should be expansive, and there can never be too much."

We love you desperately Brit and want you to know that our love will be unconditional and abundant.  And while you might be kept from knowing our love for you first hand for many years, we continue to nurture that love, preparing it for the day that we can pour it over you.