Again, a post so defining, it must be shared

(Lori) Lavender Luz gets open adoption.  She completely and fully embraces openness.  The real kind of openness where her children's fullness is her first priority, therefore her children's first parents are a part of their family.  Because they belong there.  They are as much a part of her children's sense of identity as is their membership in her family.

But this post that she shares about how open adoption is not necessarily a spectrum based on level of contact, but more like a grid, is completely and totally profound and spot on to me.  Openess is not determined just by amount of contact, but by quality of interaction.

The open adoption spectrum and grid

Please read and let me know what you think.  It just amazed me that she is so introspectful and able to articulate these concepts so well.

Here is the graphic that she includes...

There Can Never Be Too Much Love

In an attempt to highlight the good in open adoption I want to share the following blog post written by an adult adoptee.

Death by Great Wall: There Can Never Be Too Much Love:

Susan describes why I will continue for my entire lifetime to reach out to my daughter and her family.  Because all we want is to be able to love her and support her.  Because we too believe what Susan calls out here...

"What I would like adoptive parents to know is that the adopted person has two families, recognized or not, and battles about which is more important are non-productive and can be corrosive to the adoptee's soul. As a grown adoptee, my message is simple: love is and should be expansive, and there can never be too much."

We love you desperately Brit and want you to know that our love will be unconditional and abundant.  And while you might be kept from knowing our love for you first hand for many years, we continue to nurture that love, preparing it for the day that we can pour it over you.

This is love

Rebekah Pinchback who blogs at Heart Cries could be one of my greatest adoption superheros. (Yes, I have a list, which I will share throughout this upcoming year.)

I really don't have words that can express the depth of love and respect that I have for this woman who I have never met in person.

If all adoption relationships were like her relationship with her son Ty's relationship, the tears and grief of adoption would be so lessened.

I know God has a special place prepared in heaven for Rebekah and her husband.

I might weep all day long thinking about this amazing post about how Rebekah is delighted that her preschool age son has chosen to call his birthmother MOM too.

Rebekah Pinchback you are an amazing mother.  God's unselfish love radiates through you.

My struggle

I haven't talked much about my adoption situation lately because I have been trying to process it.

You see, in November we found out that Brit's parents are expecting another child. 

Not only are they expecting, but they are far enough along to know that this child is another little boy. They didn't indicate to us when they are due, but from my experience with being pregnant that means they are at least half way through the pregnancy to be able to know the child's sex.

So doing the quick math, that means they will have 4 children ages 3 and younger when this newest addition is born.  Brit turns 3 in March, the twins are 15 months younger than her, and this latest child will likely be born in the next couple of months (if not sooner, we don't know).

Here is what is hard for me. 

When our daughter was 6 months old they actively pursued fertility treatments to get pregnant with the twins.  Our daughter was still an infant and they actively pursued fertility treatments to 'have a child of their own'.  This was not a surprise pregnancy like sometimes happens to families who have just adopted.  I completely understand surprise pregnancies.  I have had plenty of those in my lifetime.  This was actively pursuing pregnancy via fertility assistance with a newly adopted infant in your arms.

It is very hard for me to think that they were truly OK with being parents via adoption only.  The idea that they pursued fertility treatments so quickly after adopting blows my mind.

This most recent pregnancy was a surprise according to Brit's dad.  We know very little, because it was a one sentence announcement at the end of an email update. 

So our daughter will be growing up in a house that has 4 children who are all about the same age.  Our daughter will be the only one who does not look like them.  And let me tell you, she looks NOTHING like them.  She looks exactly like us.  We don't know much about her personality since we have only spent 4 hours total with her in the last two years.

She will be the only one of the 'quadruplets' who will be completely different.

The second part of this is probably going to sound bad.  But it's my blog and my thoughts.  They will now have 4 children with a father who is a teacher at a small school and a stay at home mom.  I can't help but think that will be a huge financial struggle.

We know.  We are raising 4 children of our own (plus a grown child who no longer lives in our home).  We know what it is like to have 4 children to feed, buy clothes for, enroll in sports, pay school fees, etc.  We are acutely aware how difficult that is.  And BF is an accountant/controller and I am a director of marketing.  We each make more individually than the father of our daughter.  Thankfully our children have a very charmed life where they need for nothing and barely want for anything either.  They all have their own bedrooms, gaming systems, personal electronic devices, are enrolled in competitive sports teams and basically have everything provided for them.  Thankfully they are very appreciative and seem grateful for the things they do have.  We are lucky to have 4 amazing boys who make us proud to be their parents.

So the child that we placed for adoption, so she could have a mom and dad who were married, will now grow up in a home where she is the only one who is different.  And it will be very apparent because all of her siblings are going to be just about her age.

It is so hard for me to process.

I pray about it alot.  And cry alot too.

I cannot forgive myself for what I have done to our daughter.  I placed her with a family who does not want an active and open relationship with us.  I placed her in a family where she will be the outsider.  All the while her birth family is still in tact, all growing up together.

She is not allowed to know who we are.  We don't even know if they speak our names to her.  She doesn't know us.

Even in the last email it was hard to swallow as we heard about how she met 'great uncle so and so' who was in town visiting and they had a great time getting to know each other over the holidays.  Yet, Brit has an entire family living 10 MINUTES from her, who she is not allowed interaction with.

We heard how she has play dates at friend's houses, yet she isn't allowed to play with her biological brothers.

It is so hard to understand how we are the only people that they actively KEEP Brit from knowing.

So I continue to try to process it all.  And I pray constantly that God will soften their hearts toward us and allow us to have an active and meaningful relationship with our daughter.  I want her to be able to know us, and to know how very much we love her and want to be a part of her life.

How I try to make a small difference

My it's been a long time since I have posted here!  My excuse is the holidays.  Truth is we are just so very busy and I have been present in the moment with our boys and at work.  Thus, the blog took a backseat.

I think so often "I should blog about that", but the moment passes and I don't sit down and get it done.  And since blogging is just for me, I don't feel obligated like I do with being available to the children I am parenting and the job I work at.

However, yesterday I told myself that I would find 10 minutes today to talk about something that makes me very happy.  It is the small way that I feel like I make a difference in the life of a child, specifically a child that has been able to stay with her family rather than be adopted.

First of all, the potential adoptive parents of this particular little girl are wonderful people.  I met them.  I liked them.  I am even FB friends with the mother.  They seem to be genuinely good parents.  I enjoyed their company.  If we lived closer I believe we would be friends.

But the little girl that they were going to adopt was never placed for adoption.  Her mother decided that she just couldn't do it.  Sadly I think that she saw my long-suffering as a birth mother and she knew that she didn't want the same fate.  I also think that her mother's heart kicked in and she knew that while it would be hard, she could parent this child, just as she had the two teenage boys she was raising.

Yes, I'm talking about my Little Princess.  Little Princess (LP for short) is the little girl who I have cared for every weekend since she was 4 months old.  Her mother works on weekends as the sole provider for herself and her 3 children.  So any hours she can get, she takes.  Including weekend shifts.

The truth is, had LP been adopted by the lovely adoptive couple, she would never have a want.  She would not need daycare, or weekend care.  She would be raised by a very successful work from home mother and successful father.  All of her needs and wants would have been met.

But LP doesn't know that.  The truth is LP is happy.  She has a mommy, two brothers, a daddy (who is crummy, but she doesn't know that yet), and she also has her Lisa and all of Lisa's boys.

If LP was my child, she would have more clothes.  She would have plenty of toys.  We would never wonder if we were going to run out of diapers before payday.  But that does not mean that I should be her mother.

Just because I have more and can give more, doesn't mean I deserve to be her mother.

What it does mean to me is, because I have more and can give more, I should.  So when I buy diapers, I buy a big box and give half to her momma.  When we go shopping, sometimes I buy her clothes that I send home with her.  And when the day comes that she wants to stay overnight at Lisa's house, I will keep her as often as I can.  Because I do have the time to give.  What is one more in my crazy world of boys?!?  And the blessing I get, one more little one to love and to be loved by.

But I am not her mommy.  I am also not their provider.  I am LP and her momma's SUPPORTER.  I love them both.

Because when I say that I believe that families should be preserved if at all possible, then I should do what I can to make sure that happens.

LP is the starfish I was able to save.

Her life will not be perfect.  I won't be able to protect her from some of the realities of low income.  But you know what she will have, HER MOMMY and HER FAMILY.

She will be able to look at her momma's hair and know that is why she has unruly curls.  She will know her two full brothers.  When she is only 5 feet tall, she will know that is because mommy and grandma are the same size. She is with 'her people' as my sweet grandma used to call her family.

And when her momma is at work, she will have her Lisa.  To hold her, love her, snuggle her, fix her hair, and feed her meals.  She will grow up with our boys, who swoon over her.  She will get kisses on her fat little cheeks from me.  She will get time-outs from me too.

LP will know that I love her to the moon and back.  But she will also know that she has a mommy who loves her endlessly too.

Little Princess has everything she needs.  She has her family.

I don't always cry

This week our boys all moved into their own bedrooms.  Four bedrooms, four boys.  They were super excited.

While helping D move his things into his new room I told him he had to pick out the treasures he wanted to keep from the box of random things he had in his old room.

As we sorted through the box, we came across this small, pink photo album.

I smiled.  I love how he wrote in his young hand writing and filled it with pictures he likes of his little sister.  I also like how it made its way into his "special box".

See, I don't ALWAYS cry (even thought I want to).

Dear Brit

It seems I have written you so many times over the past couple of weeks.   I guess that I've just had so many things to say to you.  It's probably the holiday season and the focus that the holidays gives us on the people who are important to us, our family members.  So since we cannot talk to you in person, letters it is!

I couldn't wait to sit down today and tell you about what happened last night.  BF did some Christmas shopping after he got off work and while I was gone at Lanman's basketball game.  He was a bit secretive about what he was getting so I assumed it was something for me for Christmas.

However, when I got home, I found a stack of gifts sitting on top of our dresser.  The entire stack was for you.  It was obvious.

So I after I changed clothes, I came out into the living room and told BF that I absolutely loved what he had chosen for you.  All of it is just perfect for you.

He followed me back into the bedroom and started telling me about why he chose what he did.  It was precious to see the sparkle in his eyes as he talked about each thing and how he thought you would be able to use it.

I had to leave the room and tend to Lanman and D, but from the other room I heard BF ask me what your favorite TV show is because he can never remember the name of it.  I shouted back the name of the show, not exactly sure why he wanted to know.

So once I finished with the boys, I walked back into the bedroom where he was still looking up something on the Internet.  He was determined to find something to go along with your gift.  It made my heart so happy to see how determined he was to find just the right thing for you.  I think I may have fallen in love with him even more at that moment just seeing how much it means to him to find just the right thing for you.  It brings tears to my eyes right now just thinking about it.

Anyway, he found what he was looking for and tonight will will order it and combine it with the gift that he already purchased.  My favorite part is that every bit of the gift was BF's idea.  Normally with the boys, I try to help him get ideas, or I will even buy things for him.  But this gift was all him.  No help from me.

And it is perfect.

I can't wait to send it to you.  I wish we could see you open it and play with it, but we will just imagine what that will be like since we will not be able to know.

We love you very much!