My struggle

I haven't talked much about my adoption situation lately because I have been trying to process it.

You see, in November we found out that Brit's parents are expecting another child. 

Not only are they expecting, but they are far enough along to know that this child is another little boy. They didn't indicate to us when they are due, but from my experience with being pregnant that means they are at least half way through the pregnancy to be able to know the child's sex.

So doing the quick math, that means they will have 4 children ages 3 and younger when this newest addition is born.  Brit turns 3 in March, the twins are 15 months younger than her, and this latest child will likely be born in the next couple of months (if not sooner, we don't know).

Here is what is hard for me. 

When our daughter was 6 months old they actively pursued fertility treatments to get pregnant with the twins.  Our daughter was still an infant and they actively pursued fertility treatments to 'have a child of their own'.  This was not a surprise pregnancy like sometimes happens to families who have just adopted.  I completely understand surprise pregnancies.  I have had plenty of those in my lifetime.  This was actively pursuing pregnancy via fertility assistance with a newly adopted infant in your arms.

It is very hard for me to think that they were truly OK with being parents via adoption only.  The idea that they pursued fertility treatments so quickly after adopting blows my mind.

This most recent pregnancy was a surprise according to Brit's dad.  We know very little, because it was a one sentence announcement at the end of an email update. 

So our daughter will be growing up in a house that has 4 children who are all about the same age.  Our daughter will be the only one who does not look like them.  And let me tell you, she looks NOTHING like them.  She looks exactly like us.  We don't know much about her personality since we have only spent 4 hours total with her in the last two years.

She will be the only one of the 'quadruplets' who will be completely different.

The second part of this is probably going to sound bad.  But it's my blog and my thoughts.  They will now have 4 children with a father who is a teacher at a small school and a stay at home mom.  I can't help but think that will be a huge financial struggle.

We know.  We are raising 4 children of our own (plus a grown child who no longer lives in our home).  We know what it is like to have 4 children to feed, buy clothes for, enroll in sports, pay school fees, etc.  We are acutely aware how difficult that is.  And BF is an accountant/controller and I am a director of marketing.  We each make more individually than the father of our daughter.  Thankfully our children have a very charmed life where they need for nothing and barely want for anything either.  They all have their own bedrooms, gaming systems, personal electronic devices, are enrolled in competitive sports teams and basically have everything provided for them.  Thankfully they are very appreciative and seem grateful for the things they do have.  We are lucky to have 4 amazing boys who make us proud to be their parents.

So the child that we placed for adoption, so she could have a mom and dad who were married, will now grow up in a home where she is the only one who is different.  And it will be very apparent because all of her siblings are going to be just about her age.

It is so hard for me to process.

I pray about it alot.  And cry alot too.

I cannot forgive myself for what I have done to our daughter.  I placed her with a family who does not want an active and open relationship with us.  I placed her in a family where she will be the outsider.  All the while her birth family is still in tact, all growing up together.

She is not allowed to know who we are.  We don't even know if they speak our names to her.  She doesn't know us.

Even in the last email it was hard to swallow as we heard about how she met 'great uncle so and so' who was in town visiting and they had a great time getting to know each other over the holidays.  Yet, Brit has an entire family living 10 MINUTES from her, who she is not allowed interaction with.

We heard how she has play dates at friend's houses, yet she isn't allowed to play with her biological brothers.

It is so hard to understand how we are the only people that they actively KEEP Brit from knowing.

So I continue to try to process it all.  And I pray constantly that God will soften their hearts toward us and allow us to have an active and meaningful relationship with our daughter.  I want her to be able to know us, and to know how very much we love her and want to be a part of her life.