It's Friday!

I don't like pulling up my blog and seeing the ugly words from the last post, so I am on a mission to move them down the list and start filling my blog with a few more happy thoughts.

So here is mine for this morning.  I work at a recreation center and today we are hosting a Special Olympics basketball tournament.

There is no greater joy than watching these teams play.  OK, maybe a little mommy joy too, my oldest son J is volunteering as an official - and he LOVES it!  He got up early this morning and it was the first thing he talked about and he was out the door in record time so he could make sure he wasn't late.  **love that**

Everyone should get to come to work and see this level of joy first thing in the morning.  I think the roof on this building might just blow off from all of the excitement from the players. 

I want to live with that kind of joy.  Today is the best day ever for every one of them.  Until tomorrow, when that could be the best day ever too. :)

Maybe I'll get some pictures later to share.

My response

OK, I have had a while to think about the previous comment left here about my adoption story and there are just a few things I would like to address just to make sure my position is clear. 

I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.

But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.

First, it  began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read.  The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother.  Followed by this very interesting statement:

"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."

I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place? 

In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced.  In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life.  In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family.  And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.

I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother.  I asked one time to see the child.  They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it.  I have never asked again.  The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.

"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."

This blog is about me and my feelings.  I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them.  These are not letters to Brit's parents.  This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings.  Right or wrong.  They are my feelings.

The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything.  I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart.  I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.

I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief.  I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship.  Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me.  But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me.  And I in return told them how I felt.  They did not intend to hurt me.  And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.

I have always owned my own grief.  I was not coerced into an adoption plan.  I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently.  I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement.  I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster.  But the past is just that.  Now we must look forward.

Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them.  I save the grief dumping for here.  This began as a private blog that no one read.  Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers.  Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place.  All other followers are from states far from me.  Not even my family knew about this blog.  It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief.  And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.

The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.

"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.

You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."


I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel.  I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents.  The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog.  This is where I think out loud and wish for something different.  If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point.  I do none of those things. 

I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth.  I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents.  We intended to maintain our friendship with them.  I had no reason to believe that would change.

Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother.  And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.

The rest of the comment is just mean spirited.  It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents.  I never speak ill of them.  I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.

If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance.  But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family.  In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.

I did not choose an anonymous family for my child.  I chose her parents specifically because they were like us.  We got along great.  They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.

I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother.  We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship.  She met my children.  We have many commonalities.  She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter.  And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.

The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.

"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

She did get one thing right.  I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child.  I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother.  I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.

IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.

Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about.  This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message.  I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful.  I love the things she had to say.  They are very true.

"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.

My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.

You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.

And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.

And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.

Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."

The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones.  I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan.  I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time. 

That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad.  I wish it wasn't this way.  I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now.  But I couldn't.  And they are.  Brit benefits.

I never had any intention of being a co-parent.  I am not Brit's parent.  But I love her.  And I want a relationship with her.  It will not be like her relationship with her mom.  That special place belongs to her mom.  But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents.  It is just different than being her parent.

I want to be their family friend.  I want to share in the joys of Brit's life.  I don't expect that I will be there for all of them.  But I want to celebrate them just the same.  Even if it is at a distance most of the time.  I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew.  I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy.  I try to spend as much time as possible with him.  But I am not his mother.  However, I love him like crazy anyway.  I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking.  I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.

I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family.  I want us to be real to her.  I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.

I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything.  I want her to have everything that is available to her.  Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.

I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.

I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can.  I have always wanted only the best for her.  And I hope that is exactly what she receives.

Pray for those who hurt you

So I received my first profoundly hateful comment on my blog yesterday.  I just want to share it with my other open adoption readers here.  I don't have the energy to address all that she had to say today.  But I will say that I am so very sorry for what she is missing because of her lack of empathy and appreciation for her birth family. 

It is very interesting that she is so vehement in her passion for forgetting about the part of the adoption triad that made her a parent.  I am hopeful and prayerful that something changes in her life to allow her to see what a beautiful thing open adoption can be.

I am glad for this comment because it reminds me of how wonderful all of you mothers in open adoptions are.  The ways that you put aside your own uncomfortable feelings and make decisions on behalf of the best interests of your child.  I just want to reach out and hug all of you who are so good to your birth families and in return such a blessing to your children!

"Found your blog and found it interesting. I am a parent of a closed adoption. Your emotional blog is exactly the reason we elected a closed adoption. It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets. She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl.

I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel. You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age.

Why are you so insensitive and uncaring of her mother? Is it because she is the one experiencing what you are not and that increases your emotions of guilt and grieving? I have to admit that the parents are amazing for maintaining an opening communication with you at all as that is a very difficult thing to do. Try putting yourself in their shoes and having a birth mother who made her choice for whatever reason expecting to keep so much involvement. That is not healthy, mentally or physically.

Embrace your life now and be grateful that God has blessed you with this couple. Grieve and process your guilt as it is yours and yours alone to bare, not the parents loving this little angel. Being overly hyper-sensitive of her mother's protective instincts are going to eventually close the doors of opportunity to maintain contact if you are not careful and mindful.

They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

Happy Birthday Brit!

Brit,

Today is your first birthday and you are getting so big!  Everything you do is amazing, and you are exceptional for sure.  You were an early walker, you already babble words, you wave and dance, you can sit and look at books and you already really play with toys.  None of the boys could do so many things at this age.  But since you're a girl, why wouldn't we expect so much?

I am sad that I haven't been there for any of those special firsts.  I missed every single thing.  The beauty is that you don't even realize it.  You have two parents who are there with you who caught it all.

I wish that I got to see you more and spend time enjoying you as you go through all of these baby stages so quickly.

However, I know that these baby moments will be gone in the blink of an eye.  Before long it will be bicycles, tea parties and dance class.

I can't wait to hear about those too.  And maybe, I will even get to see some in person. 

I am so very glad that we got to see you just the other day.  I was hoping we would be able to share your birthday with you.  I am so glad we got to have that time with you.

I am thinking about you today and loving you from a distance.  Just like I do every day.

Happy First Birthday my sweet Brit!

Love,

Lisa

Open adoption and the man who makes mine bearable

When Brit was about 6 months old, I was really strugging with why her parents had pulled so far back from me. I was trying to communicate with them and they stopped responding. (I was not crazy in my emails to them.  I only sent one about every 3 weeks or so and they were always lighthearted and simple.  Never requesting anything.  Just trying to reach out.)  So finally in desperation, I sent them an email asking what I had done to cause them to no longer interact with me like they had prior to her birth.

The next day I received a phone call.  It is the one and only phone call I have ever received from Brit's father, but I never want to forget it.

His voice was so very tender toward me.  I was a complete disaster and he knew it.  He handled what could have been a crazy emotional phone call with grace. I will never forget how even though the message he was delivering to me was difficult, and knowingly painful for me to hear, he approached me with love, honesty, tenderness and respect.

He gently explained to me that once they got Brit home, they began to realize how badly they wanted her to be "theirs".  And while they never thought they would feel like this, they were struggling with feeling like they were raising Lisa's baby.  He was very gentle with how he said that.  He said "I know you are probably thinking, duh, that is my baby, what did you think you would be doing?" 

He went on to explain how they had thought adoption would be easier for them than it had been.  They had become very protective of Brit.  Especially Brit's mom.  He mentioned that they had come the realization that Brit may be the only child that they ever had and that was very tough for her mom to accept.

We had an extensive conversation about this and how pictures of me and the boys were hard for the mom because all she could see was how much Brit looked like us.  She had stopped responding to my emails and instead had asked Brit's dad to take over because she no longer had the emotional reserves to do it.

Brit's dad and I talked for about 15 minutes and there are plenty of things I am sure were very important that I should share here, but I honestly don't want to dwell so much on the painful parts of that conversation.  And I think my mind has helped me forget the exact words because so much of what was said was so traumatic to me at the time.

But I do remember clearly what Brit's dad said to me toward the end of our phone conversation. I had reminded him that when I was pregnant, Brit's mom had promised me we would always be friends and we would continue to stay connected because we had established such a great relationship. I never had a single doubt that would be true.  We really had gotten to be friends.  Then our relationship immediately ceased when the baby was buckled in their car seat at the hospital.

I explained to him how I was struggling with feeling misled - even if it wasn't intentional (which I didn't think then, and I am sure of today).  I told him how hard it was to be close to someone and then never hear back from that person again after she took the baby home.

He was very empathetic.  He assured me that it was never intentional.  I recall part of his response to me was, "I prayed over and over that God would make my wife and me parents.  And I didn't know how it was going to happen. But I would NEVER have been willing become a parent at the expense of our integrity. We would have never misled anyone just so we could become parents. We love you and have never meant to hurt you.  We are so thankful for what you have provided for us."

We continued to talk about how they had never expected to feel like they did.  And I shared that I never expected to feel how I did either.  Both of us had very unrealistic views about how simple adoption would be.  They thought they would bring home a perfect baby and they would go about their lives as if they had just given birth to her.  And I thought that I would be able to carry on with my life as if everything was OK and I was fine with someone else parenting a child I had given birth to.

The reality of what adoption did to all of us was much more harsh than that.  It changed all of us.  Some things were for the good, and some brought out feelings that none of us would have ever thought we would ever possess.

When we had our first visit this weekend, I saw that same man whispering to Brit.  While he is a monster of a man in size, his voice is gentle and comforting.  His love for that little girl is more than apparent.  He is a wonderful father to her and a doting husband to his wife.  He possesses what few men can seem to grasp and he is able to be sensitive to the needs of all of the "girls" in his life.  He comforts his wife as she adjusts to being an adoptive mother.  He comforted me as I sobbed to him on the phone when my heart was hurting so badly.  And he comforts his daughter, like a true father should.

Apparently all of the books that he has read about coaching girls (he is a HS girls basketball coach), have paid great dividends for all of the rest of us too.

So my closing thoughts. 

Adoption is emotionally complicated.  No matter how prepared you think you are for what is about to happen, things rarely go according to plan.  People are messy.  Even those of us who think we have it together. :)

Be tender and honest with one another.  In all circumstances.  Speak gently, especially when the message is painful.  But always be honest, and wrap it in genuine love.

Plan for the worst case scenario when you are preparing an adoption plan.  As a birthmother, you may not think that you will need lots of contact or interaction.  But you might be surprised. 

As an adoptive parent, you might think that you are perfectly content with the creation of your family through adoption.  But infertility grief seems to have long tentacles.  And even the joy of adoption can make those pesky tentacles grow.  Couple that with the strong "mama bear" instinct and suddenly sharing stories, pictures and visits with the birth parents becomes harder than you expected.  Especially when the birthmother is so engulfed with her own grief.

And these are just general statements which I know do not apply to everyone.  However, I was sure it didn't apply to me either.  I had seen two separate counselors, explained my decision to a hundred different people (probably literally), and I was still overcome by an extreme need for more contact after her birth.  Which was only inflamed by getting less than we thought we would have.

If you are reading this and you are a mother considering an open adoption, PLEASE do not let this scare you about open adoption!  Open adoption can be beautiful.  I am watching from a distance as families I have come to know and love are navigating wonderful adoption relationships.  Mine is just very new and we are still figuring out our dance.  So I have fresh grief and I am dealing with the actions that grief has also brought to Brit's family.  (Which hopefully is slowly going by the wayside.)

Wow.  This didn't go where I thought it was, but I suppose that is the therapeutic part of blogging.

I hope others share their thoughts along these lines.  I like hearing from others so much more than hearing from me.

Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!

It's almost here

The big visit is this Sunday!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  And as it approaches I am getting nervous.  I just want it to be perfect.

I want Brit to be happy and not scared.  I want her parents to feel comfortable.  I want them to walk away from this visit thinking, 'we should do this more often because it was nice'.

I am so hopeful for this visit.  We have her birthday gifts purchased (super pumped about them), the meal is planned and now we just have to wait.

Hopefully my Sunday evening post will be full of joy.