Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Pray for those who hurt you

So I received my first profoundly hateful comment on my blog yesterday.  I just want to share it with my other open adoption readers here.  I don't have the energy to address all that she had to say today.  But I will say that I am so very sorry for what she is missing because of her lack of empathy and appreciation for her birth family. 

It is very interesting that she is so vehement in her passion for forgetting about the part of the adoption triad that made her a parent.  I am hopeful and prayerful that something changes in her life to allow her to see what a beautiful thing open adoption can be.

I am glad for this comment because it reminds me of how wonderful all of you mothers in open adoptions are.  The ways that you put aside your own uncomfortable feelings and make decisions on behalf of the best interests of your child.  I just want to reach out and hug all of you who are so good to your birth families and in return such a blessing to your children!

"Found your blog and found it interesting. I am a parent of a closed adoption. Your emotional blog is exactly the reason we elected a closed adoption. It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets. She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl.

I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel. You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age.

Why are you so insensitive and uncaring of her mother? Is it because she is the one experiencing what you are not and that increases your emotions of guilt and grieving? I have to admit that the parents are amazing for maintaining an opening communication with you at all as that is a very difficult thing to do. Try putting yourself in their shoes and having a birth mother who made her choice for whatever reason expecting to keep so much involvement. That is not healthy, mentally or physically.

Embrace your life now and be grateful that God has blessed you with this couple. Grieve and process your guilt as it is yours and yours alone to bare, not the parents loving this little angel. Being overly hyper-sensitive of her mother's protective instincts are going to eventually close the doors of opportunity to maintain contact if you are not careful and mindful.

They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

13 comments:

Lora said...

That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too. My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they deceide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.

You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either. And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.

And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.
Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind.

Sherylynn said...

I am an adoptive mom to a precious little boy. I have loved reading your blog because it helps me to know the heart on the other side of our closed adoption. I connected with my son's birth mom & have always said, "She & I could have been best friends." In many ways I wish that our situation was more open. To be honest, I'm not even sure of the reasons it is closed. I do know there is that fear on my side of losing my son. But, I also know that I will support him 100% if he choses to have his birth family be a part of his life. I, for one, appreciate your honesty & frankness. It really does help me to have a glimmer of an idea what things must be for our birth mom. I think of her often, pray for her continually, & thank the Lord for her daily!

As to the comments you have received...I truly believe that each situation is unique. I do understand the fear in an adoptive parent's heart of losing their precious child. But, I also try my hardest to understand the loss in the birth mother's heart. If it weren't for her heart, I wouldn't have mine! So, to you I say thank you...for being brave enough to put it out there.

asdkfjl; said...

God bless you for doing the best thing you thought to do for your baby girl. You carried her inside you and gave her life without you there would be no Brit, although you gave to other parents, you bonded with her in such a special way, that you will always have a desire to see her grow up. Just keep loving.
Keep looking up the best is yet to come.
Lissy

Cash's Birthmomma said...

I am so so sorry this happened. It is people like this woman who give adoption a bad name. This part really got me... ".. grateful that God has blessed you with this couple. Grieve and process your guilt as it is yours and yours alone to bare..." She should be grateful that God has blessed HER with a CHILD, and be grateful for that child's birthparents. You were using your blog to grieve, and I think I am correct in assuming you did not personally ask her to read it and give her opinion?? It seems to me that this woman is caught up in the old way adoption was, and needs to give her head a shake.
Who do you think her child will be angry at once he comes searching for answers? His birthmother who gave him up out of selfless love, or the woman who denied him love because of her own insecurities and selfishness?
Don't let this get to you Lisa. You know you did what was right for Brit.
I do understand that adoptive mothers grieve a lot as well, and in no means am I suggesting that she is some heartless person. I can't imagine the pain and fears adoptive mothers have. However, I feel sorry for her and everything she will be missing out on with the lack of such a positive relationship, I really do. Hopefully she can overcome her insecurities and keep her opinions away from your blog.

Stauffer Family said...

In my honest opinion, unfortunately there are adoptive parents who feel that way and it comes from fear ... they did not seek or get the proper education before making this choice on having a family through adoption ... The lack of empathy only reinforces hers and others who think like that the fear they feel in having not been the ones to birth the children they are raising ... my heart goes out to the children whose moms do not understand and fear their first/birth families.

Open Adoption is not easy but it is a choice that the adults in the situation choose to have. It is the hope of all involved that the child is best served in knowing their first/birth family and possibly their extended families ...

Unfortunately there is not enough grief work for those who could not have children and choose to adopt others to acknowledge that they cannot and will not forever be genetic connected to the child they are raising ...

We were once told if you cannot once a year meet the woman and/or man who chose you to parent their child at least once a year for coffee than you should not accept that child.

We are thankful for the education, support, guidance we had during our journey to parenthood through adoption ... we have two daughters and we could not see not seeing their birth families for their benefit and ours :)

My hope is for you and the family your daughter is with to find a place where you can all feel comfortable together and be a family together no matter how it came to be!

There are never too many people in this world who can love a child and adult!

~Katie said...

Oh MY...I found your blog through Rebekah and I just read this post and THIS comment. We are the adoptive parents of two precious kids and this comment is ludicrous! Since when are we not each allowed to feel and experience our own way?! Ugh. This really bothered me as an adoptive parent. IF this person had done any research or educated herself at all on open VS. closed adoptions, perhaps she wouldn't have attacked you and your emotions that way. I love your take on it. Glad i found your blog! :)

Anonymous said...

What a selfish witch. I wish I could punch her in the face. Here you have it, in a nutshell of how adopters turn on you after they get what they want. I will be willing to bet you anything this adopter was sappy sweet and told the natural mother of the child she covets anything she wanted to hear. Now SHE thinks she is mommy and is going into "mommy" protective instinct of someone else's child. What a joke.

Actually adopter mommy, natural mothers are the one's who go into
"protective instinct" when they realize they have been duped and people like you are raising THEIR children.

What a sick, narcissistic pig.

Jennifer said...

When an adoptive parent shows such utter disregard to the natural mother, she is also harming her adopted child as well. The first mother is a part of that child forever, and to speak with such ill is not unlike a divorced parent who tries to turn her children against the other parent. I am sorry you had to read such cruel words. You are very brave not only to share your personal experience with others, but also because you are brave enough to process your life in the first place. Too many are quick to project their own hostility upon others, and never come to understand themselves.

Anonymous said...

Yes That was unnatural what was hurled at you ...My baby was taken by force from Maternity Hosp as Id depression and no family or support as i grew up in fostercare myself and to this day Im fighting bk in a higher court as I am my Daughters Mum and I have a sister at home waiting for her other half and shes affected too but thats irrelavant to the people who took her and claim her as theyre own.I love her dearly and its heartbreaking year in year out with slow if any progress .Its a life sentence but one im glad to take on for this injustice ..no wonder i was depressed ...i was repetively told my baby was being forcibly taken..boy/girl when delivered and i was advised to terminate and or foster out my baby voluntary! sickening! and since she left me at 4 days old i actually turned my life around to show her this is one battle i fight for family and our future <3

Anonymous said...

Yes That was unnatural what was hurled at you ...My baby was taken by force from Maternity Hosp as Id depression and no family or support as i grew up in fostercare myself and to this day Im fighting bk in a higher court as I am my Daughters Mum and I have a sister at home waiting for her other half and shes affected too but thats irrelavant to the people who took her and claim her as theyre own.I love her dearly and its heartbreaking year in year out with slow if any progress .Its a life sentence but one im glad to take on for this injustice ..no wonder i was depressed ...i was repetively told my baby was being forcibly taken..boy/girl when delivered and i was advised to terminate and or foster out my baby voluntary! sickening! and since she left me at 4 days old i actually turned my life around to show her this is one battle i fight for family and our future <3

Anonymous said...


It's odd when people sympathise with an adoptive mother's fear of losing her adoptive child.

The reality is that the child's natural mother really DID lose her child. It wasn't a fear she had, it was something that really happened.

I think I know who needs the loving sympathy.

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