Monday, June 4, 2012

Simply amazing

I read the following blog post last week (Adoptive and birth mom interview) and have not been able to shake it from my mind since then.  From the moment I found Amber at Bumber's Bumblings, I knew she was an over the top, unbelievable adoptive mom.

I follow her through blog land and FB and we have since become virtual friends too.

But all weekend I found my mind wandering back to her interview with her child's first mom Ashley.  The way they talk about each other.  The respect for one another.  And the shared love of one little boy who has brought two families together.

There is one line in their interview that just got my heart with a direct hit, it is Amber (adoptive mom) speaking to Ashley (birthmom);
"I worry that we try to spend too much time with you. I also worry that we ask you to babysit too much, and maybe that is offensive to you."

Could you imagine that?  An adoptive mom who wants to spend time with her child's birth mother?  An adoptive mom who wants her child's birth mother to be the child's caregiver in their absence.  An adoptive mom who feels like she tries too hard to be inclusive.  The concept nearly brings me to tears right now.

This line was especially poignant to me because of a conversation I had with BF when he and I found out that our daughter's parents were expecting twins just months after adopting our daughter.

He and I were discussing the impact of this on Brit and our future relationship with her parents.  BF, being more optimistic than I am with regard to this topic, said to me.. "Wouldn't it be great if some day that would trust us enough to let us watch all of their kids so they could go out and enjoy a night by themselves?  Just think, maybe someday they will WANT us to keep Brit so they can have a little time alone."

Now, if you are a reader of my blog, you know that we are no where near this kind of relationship with them.  Actually, that is probably an understatement.


When reading Amber's comments about asking Ashley to babysit B, it made me realize this is a possibility with some open adoption relationships.  The idea that they go out together as adults (Ashley and Amber) and they have conversations like friends, makes me want to cry tears of joy.  What a blessing to B.  There is no threat from him loving both of his mothers, because both of his mothers love each other!

I also love the joy that seems to come to both families in this relationship.  Not just the moms, but also the extended families.

And it is not just Amber and Ashley who have this type of deep friendship and mutual respect for what each brings to the relationship with the child.  I have read several blogs of adoptive moms and first moms who have similar relationships that include the birth family spending alone time with the child, while the parents have some grown up time.  A great post to this topic is from Lori titled Returning to the Well.

I think there is great maturity and insight that Lori shares about how her daughter NEEDS time with her birth family.  And the time she spends with them is an investment in her well-being.

So for today, that will be my happy thought.  There are some amazing adoptive moms out there who not only value the role of their child's birth family, but they also invest in a genuine friendship with the child's other family.

To you amazing mommas, I tip my hat!  (and have a whole lot of envy, but that is something I am working on!)

And to my dear sweet Brit, I hope that someday BF and I are in the crowd cheering you on as you dance, sing or play sports.  I also hope that someday we can deliver the gifts for you and your siblings, instead of sending them in the mail.  We can't wait to be a part of your life!


Vertical Mom said...

I pray that for you and BF, too, Lisa. I pray that fear will subside in the hearts of Brit's a-parents and they will open their lives to you.

I had the honor of having dinner with Ashley and Amber last winter and they are AMAZING. Seriously, they left such an impact on me. I hope you get to meet them in person, it is a true blessing.

Anonymous said...

"I worry that we try to spend too much time with you. I also worry that we ask you to babysit too much, and maybe that is offensive to you."

Wow. Amazing indeed.

I know there was not a snowballs chance in heck my child's adopter would have never invited me to do anything with my child, let alone "BABYSIT", even though we were supposed to have an "open adoption". She to this day would not even though my child is now a grown adult. She is too selfish and threatened by me.

I saw very early on she saw me as a threat to her adoptive motherhood to my child.

Had I known she was like this I would nave never allowed her to adopt my child. Of course she was on her best behavior when courting me for my infant, but her true colors came out not too long after.

Susie said...

Oh Lisa ~ how I wish that you could have that kind of a relationship with Brit's adoptive mom & dad! If only they could see how wonderful it could be for ALL of you.

Jennifer said...

I am praying for you...and for Brit...and for her adoptive family.

It sounds like her adoptive parents are threatened by you or don't know how to navigate the complexity of an open adoption. I guess they are not open to trying therapy? I don't know if this is even a topic you can or have approached with them?

I believe that a human being cannot have too many people that love her.

We had a failed adoptive placement, but before that, the bio mother and I planned to stay connected. I was actually looking forward to having another mother around! When the adoption didn't work out, I felt a loss regarding the baby and her mother (neither of us have the baby now).

I found your blog a month or two ago. I think of you often and I really hope you will be able to have more contact with Brit as soon as possible.


m&msmommy said...

I love being your Facebook friend and seeing the amazing side of your life with BF and the boys...ball fields, derbys, etc. but PLEASE know that I still continue to pray for you EVERY SINGLE DAY in regards to your situation with Brit and her adoptive parents. It breaks my heart reading your words to her at the end of this post, knowing all you want is just to be a part of her life to love her, cheer her on, and to be another loving adult leading her in the right direction. I just really pray they come around to all of this, one day. I wish I could just call them and say, "PLEASE realize it's best for Brit!!!!" Would that be odd? ;) But seriously, you are such an amazing person, and I know one day, God willing, sweet Brit will be an active part of your life and you of hers! :)

Janine said...

funny, I just sent you an email along the same lines after praying for you this am!

Lavender Luz said...

I can't tell you how honored I am by what you've said in this post.

I wish for you all the things you list in your last paragraph, too.


t said...

I am so encouraged when I see relationships like this, between adoptive and birth/first moms. I can't imagine how that might have been.