Monday, November 22, 2010

And here we are

I would have thought things would be different by now.  I wish they were.  And yet I am thankful that they aren't as bad as it could be.

Dad emailed an update about Brit today.  I had sent him an email telling him of a book that I saw on Amazon that was about post adoption grief for adoptive parents.  From the only actual phone conversation I have had with Dad since Brit's adoption, I found out that they are dealing with the grief of knowing that Brit may be the only child they will ever have.  This has caused Mom to become very depressed.  She and Dad both have also gotten very protective of Brit and say they are trying to do things to bond with their daughter, which also means no visits for us.

I didn't realize when I decided on the adoption plan for Brit that my desire to see, touch and smell my daughter would be so over-powering.  I thought I could wait until she was older and just getting pictures and updates would be OK.  It is not OK now.

I long to KNOW her.  I want to hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh.  I want to physically touch her.  And I want her to know me.  I want to be someone in her life that she has always known.  I don't have to be her mommy, but I want to be someone who is allowed to love her all the same. (Although given the opportunity I would scoop her up and take her back in a heartbeat).

She is 8 months old and they still aren't ready.  Being a birthmom is not an envyable position.  You have no rights.  And get very little consideration.  Because the Mom isn't ready yet, the birthmom has to sit and wait.  And be satisfied and grateful for the pieces I do get.

And I am grateful.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my only daughter.  And her brothers want her with us.  My tears are overflowing today.

Yet, I know there are so many birthmothers out there that don't even have the relationship that I do have.  They don't get pictures and monthly updates.  They don't have parents who communicate with them.

So I will try to be thankful.  For the fact that Dad is considerate of me and my feelings.  Thankful that he sends beautiful emails that allow me to know what Brit is doing now.  Thankful that Brit is loved to the moon and back by a mommy and daddy who live in the same house and who are married to each other.  (Which is a whole other topic that also weighs on my mind these days - that is a later post.)

And I will be thankful for the boys I do have.  And for the fact that I can have children of my own and that I have been able to raise them and love them first hand.

Yep, today is another one of those days.  Bitter and sweet all the same.

The pictures Dad sent were adorable.  They love her so much.  I'm glad.  Maybe one of these days (soon), I will be able to see and hold her too.


Rebekah said...

This is my first time reading your story and my heart is broken for you.

{Much love and hugs}

Beth said...

I don't really know how I stumbled across your blog...Well I do GOD...:) Anyway, I am an adoptive mom to a little 16month old boy. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story, it is so helpful to know how our birthmom might be dealing with things, I keep her as involved as I can. Your story and journey is so hard I just can't imagine, however your story and journey is also being a voice to adoptive parents for birthmoms...thank you for that. I am praying for you right now in this moment!!

Emily Heizer Photography said...

I can definitely see why they tried to get pregnant then!