Thursday, August 23, 2012

It strikes again

Today was another morning of waking very early unable to go back to sleep.

I walked outside in the dark for a while, then decided I needed to just go back home.

So I laid back down in bed and the tears just fell.  I spent an hour curled up in a fetal position just crying silently.

BF rolled over and held me.  Not a word was spoken.

My chest physically hurts from the pain of missing a child who is still living, but in a world that I have no access to.

This grief and regret will never go away, and I don't want it to.  Because I have nothing to replace the grief and loss with.  A child is missing. 


12 comments:

Vertical Mom said...

Did you ever get a response to your letter?

amelia said...

I'm so sorry for a hard morning. It's been 9 years for me, and it still is hard. Just remember, one day at a time. Praying for you

LisaAnne said...

The letter is in the mail. They should get it tomorrow. Pray.

LisaAnne said...

That is what I am afraid of Amelia. I fear that 9 years from now I will still be crying and hurting just like today.

Susie said...

"My chest physically hurts from the pain of missing a child who is still living, but in a world that I have no access to."

I'm sorry to say that I feel like this often. Even though in reunion, I don't really have access to his life. He has access to mine, and is welcome whenever and however often he wants to be a part of our lives. 3 1/2 years later, I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will be invited to be a real part of his life though...

I'm so very sorry that this is a part of your life. I'm so very sorry that I can't tell you it will get better with time...

amelia said...

I won't say that the pain will go away, I still cry and hurt, and yes, the pain will still be the same like the first day, yes you'll still be crying just like today, but I must say that I cope better. I'm learning to accept that the pain will always be there for as long as I live.

So, cry when you feel you need to cry, be angry when you need to be angry. The pain will still be the same, but the acceptance will come slowly too. This kind of pain takes years to heal, if it will heal at all.

I must say that when hurt comes and I receive it with open heart, it's not that painful. It's still sucks, but not that bad. Thinking of you :)) you're not alone, my friend :))

Anne said...

I'm so sorry...Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Anne

birthmothertalks said...

Lisa, I am so sorry. At times I have wished I could stop loving my daughter so I could quit hurting. I agree with Susie about reunion still being left in the dark. Don't get me wrong I never want to go back to not knowing anything and scared of the unknown but sometimes the lack of a solid relationship feels like rejection.

Anonymous said...

Offering you love, hugs and many many prayers!!! For me, with time (19 years) the soul-crushing--I can't- breath-pain turned Into more of a dull aching-longing-loving kinda pain. most of the time I have peace now... There was a time I'd didn't think that would ever be possible. Relinquishment is a trauma that reminds me of PTSD in many, many ways... Sometimes the waves of pain come unexpectedly and fiercely.And when that pain hits it hits so hard! I pray that You can feel God's warm and loving embrace when those moments hit. Please know you are not alone and you are loved. Xo, katherinemarie

Melynda said...

:( I am so sorry you are hurting. There are no magic wands or potions to make it any easier, but know you are not alone.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

Hugs to you, dear friend!
:(

Debbie said...

My heart just aches for your pain. Praying for you.