Normal

From many of the comments I have received and from reading other blogs I follow, I know that many of my birth mother friends know the emotional turmoil that comes post visit.

I am living that internal turmoil right now.

Vacillating between happiness from the memories of the visit, to the reality of knowing that we will not see sweet Brit again for a an undetermined amount of time.  The magnitude of that causes me to not be able to breathe for some moments.

I had a counseling appointment last week, which is always good.  It is a time where I can be brutally honest about my feelings without having to 'be nice'.  That is cathartic.

But the best coping mechanism has been being very busy with the boys and their activities.  That helps decrease thinking time.

Look carefully.  There is one little pigtail peeking out!

Brit's mom did finally send an email note about a week after our visit.  She thanked us for the gifts and attached two adorable pictures of Brit.

There was no mention of the visit, of Brit's birthday, or of anything of any substance.  No acknowledgement of anything I said in my email.  Which I suppose is completely normal.

Normal.

It's too bad that the minimum is what's now considered normal.

I want more than just normal.

The others

I am now 5 days post visit and today for the first time I feel like I am a functioning part of society.  I have not cried yet today.  (There is still time.)

First of all, the visit was perfect.  Brit was amazing.  Her parents were kind and seemed at ease.  They encouraged Brit to interact with us, and they stayed out of the way so we could have as much interaction with her as possible.  That was so nice.

When I think about the visit, it truly was a great time.

Here is what clouds what should be post-visit euphoria.  I have no idea when we will be granted another opportunity like it.  The couple of hours we were given with Brit may be the only we get for a year (if they continue to make this a 'birthday visit' like it appears their historical visit offerings have been).

It is so hard to understand.  The time we spend together was great.  Casual, nice and comfortable.

If you were to have been a fly on the wall you would have thought we are all good friends just hanging out for the day.

On Monday, BF and I sent an email thanking them for the visit and attached some of the pictures.  And the response to the email... silence.

Not a single word.

I just don't understand.

We are left to guess.  As a family we talk about how nice the visit was.  The kids agreed.  And followed it up with "too bad we don't get to see her more than just once".

We live in a world of mystery on our end.  We have asked to discuss our adoption relationship with them, with the same response.  Nothing.

I cannot press the issue.  I have to be the respectful and grateful birth mother.  I am to appreciate what we are given.  Not push for more.

"Don't rock the boat so that they pull back completely."

If this was a true 'relationship' I think a counselor would mention that it is unhealthy how we do not discuss the big elephant standing in the middle of the room.

We all love the same child.

However, one family holds all the power of allowing another family access to a relationship with this child.  And they can yield this power however they see fit.  No explanations required.  No common courtesy necessary.

The 'others' just get what they get.

I wish I wasn't one of the 'others'.

The visit

The visit went really well.  Brit is absolutely perfect.  Her parents were kind and gracious and seemed very at ease.  They only brought Brit and not the twins so the little ones didn't get into everything.

We loved every minute of the visit.

Not in a place right now where I feel like sharing how it made me feel, so here is what you want anyway, some pictures.

A visit is scheduled!

We have received word that Brit and her family will head to our house this Sunday for a visit!

Our visit last year.

We are all beside ourselves with excitement.  The boys are so overjoyed.  My two have both prayed every night for the past year that Brit's parents would allow them to see their sister and they finally feel like they are getting an answer to that prayer with this visit.

I am sure that Brit's parents are extremely anxious about how this will go.  I know that it is making me nervous just thinking about it.  The expectations are so high for me.  This visit represents an entire year of yearning for this moment.

BF and Brit checking out the backyard.

I want to be able to take in everything about her.  I can't wait to hear her voice.  To see her run.  To watch her play.  To hold her (if she lets us).

There is so much to take in.  And such a short amount of time.

And knowing that history has shown that we won't likely see her again for another year, to know that these two hours are the only in person memories we will have to get us through another year...

Maybe this will help change things a little bit.  Maybe her parents will see that allowing her to interact with us is not scary, but nice.

Please pray hard for this visit.  As my dear friend Michelle prayed last week before her visit with her daughter (whom she had not seen since she was 7 months old), pray that everyone gets what they need from this visit.

God knows what the very best outcome would be from this time together.  He has the ultimate foresight and understanding.

The grief remains

I have been very quiet the last week because I have been struggling so badly.  Tears are my constant companion.

I have so much I want to say and tell (nothing earth shattering, just heart wrenching).

Last night was night number two of talking with BF about why I cry.  I was trying to explain how I cannot just pretend that I believe everything will work out for the very best in our adoption relationship.  I know too much now.

He wants to believe that our daughter will never resent us for choosing to let her be parented by another family, and that her adoptive parents will suddenly one day realize that it is in her best interest for them to have a genuine, interactive relationship with us.  And that her childhood will be so happy that she will never feel like she is the adopted child (vs. her two twin siblings who are only 15 months her junior and biological children of her parents).

I think all of those things presume alot.  I want to believe every single one of them.  I really do.  And I plan to live like that.

I will use positive language.  I will be encouraging to my children when they are discouraged.  I will continue to reach out to Brit's parents with the hope that they will some day reciprocate.  I will do the right things, even when my heart is hurting.  (Which happens to be EVERY SINGE DAY)

But I will always know too much.

He has no understanding of how I can be so deeply wounded and full of grief and think that I can just keep living and say that I can enjoy a full life with the children I do parent today.  I explained to him over and over, that I now have no choice.

Grief is now a part of my inner being.  Loss will never be replaced, even with a relationship with Brit.  I made a decision that I deeply regret.  It has nothing to do with the parents we chose, but with the fact that I made the choice at all.

I know women who are completely satisfied with their role as a birthparent and their belief that they made the right choice for their child.  That very well may be true.  There are some birthparents who did give their child economic advantage, or stability that they would not have been able to provide.  But I am not that person.  I have both.  Brit would have had both.  Plus a relationship with her biological family.

Never once have I wished that my parents would have placed me for adoption because an adoptive family would have given me 'more'.  I had my family of birth.  We lived through tough times.  We were a family.

I was so hung up on the idea that a child HAD to have two married parents to have the best life.  I gave no value to idea that I could do it, and maybe someday she would have two married parents.  I was tired, pregnant and completely overwhelmed.  Not the best time to be making an irrevocable decision.  A decision that I did not know all of the ramifications of.

I could go on about this conversation, and I plan to explore it more one day.  But for right now, I think Laurie stated best in a comment on Susie's blog.   These are the words I couldn't seem to convey to BF last night.

(Laurie is speaking of her son who is now an adult.)


"Over the last two weeks, I have had this thought running through my mind. My adoption experience and his adoption experience are different. Yes, we both suffered a loss, but his life got filled up with time spent growing up, having his heart filled with love, experiencing things for the first time, becoming his own person. 


My adoption experience started when I was almost an adult. It was filled with loss and grief that I fully understood as a person with mature feelings. I had a hole in my soul that no one could fill and I could not let go of. I tried to fill it with the wrong things sometimes, I told him this, too. 

For me, the depth of my pain is directly correlated to the depth of my love for him." 

Taking a road trip

BF and I are taking the boys on a road trip starting tomorrow.  We really hoped we could make it a weekend get away, but with all the sports the boys play, that will NEVER happen.  Turns out it will only be an overnight, but at least we are making the effort.

The big boys and BF will watch a couple of Big 12 basketball games Friday night, while I keep the little boys at Great W.olf Lo.dge where they will play in the water park.  We may even pop over to Dave and Bu.sters for a game night as we wait for the big ones to get back to the hotel (which will be LATE).

I don't know if they are more excited about the trip or if they are just excited because they get a day off school.  Probably a little of both.

Now, if we can just talk one of the big boys into skipping his 9:30am soccer game so we don't have to leave at 6:00am Saturday morning to get back in time!!!!  Even if he agrees, we have to be back for a 12:30 baseball game, a 1:00 soccer game and another baseball game at 3:30.  No rest for us!!!

As for the adoption world, still waiting to hear back from Brit's parents about the possibility of a pre-birthday visit with them.  Hopefully they agree and it can happen really soon.  Her birthday is the 25th which appears to be quickly approaching.

And for the record, March is a tough month for my heart.  Lanman, D and Brit all have birthdays in March, just days apart.  It is bittersweet to celebrate with the boys and not be able to have a birthday celebration with Brit.

Someday...

Makes you wonder...

Why would someone be directed to my blog when searching the words "What to wear to the grocery store"?  I don't even think I have ever talked about grocery stores on my blog.  Really?!?!

And beyond that, why would you SEARCH that at all?

Does someone really sit at their computer and think to themselves, "Hmm, what should I wear to the grocery store?  I know, I'll ask GOOGLE!"

Something to think about.

PS - If you are the person who Googled that and found my blog and you are now a reader, I am sorry if I offended you. :)