Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The grief remains

I have been very quiet the last week because I have been struggling so badly.  Tears are my constant companion.

I have so much I want to say and tell (nothing earth shattering, just heart wrenching).

Last night was night number two of talking with BF about why I cry.  I was trying to explain how I cannot just pretend that I believe everything will work out for the very best in our adoption relationship.  I know too much now.

He wants to believe that our daughter will never resent us for choosing to let her be parented by another family, and that her adoptive parents will suddenly one day realize that it is in her best interest for them to have a genuine, interactive relationship with us.  And that her childhood will be so happy that she will never feel like she is the adopted child (vs. her two twin siblings who are only 15 months her junior and biological children of her parents).

I think all of those things presume alot.  I want to believe every single one of them.  I really do.  And I plan to live like that.

I will use positive language.  I will be encouraging to my children when they are discouraged.  I will continue to reach out to Brit's parents with the hope that they will some day reciprocate.  I will do the right things, even when my heart is hurting.  (Which happens to be EVERY SINGE DAY)

But I will always know too much.

He has no understanding of how I can be so deeply wounded and full of grief and think that I can just keep living and say that I can enjoy a full life with the children I do parent today.  I explained to him over and over, that I now have no choice.

Grief is now a part of my inner being.  Loss will never be replaced, even with a relationship with Brit.  I made a decision that I deeply regret.  It has nothing to do with the parents we chose, but with the fact that I made the choice at all.

I know women who are completely satisfied with their role as a birthparent and their belief that they made the right choice for their child.  That very well may be true.  There are some birthparents who did give their child economic advantage, or stability that they would not have been able to provide.  But I am not that person.  I have both.  Brit would have had both.  Plus a relationship with her biological family.

Never once have I wished that my parents would have placed me for adoption because an adoptive family would have given me 'more'.  I had my family of birth.  We lived through tough times.  We were a family.

I was so hung up on the idea that a child HAD to have two married parents to have the best life.  I gave no value to idea that I could do it, and maybe someday she would have two married parents.  I was tired, pregnant and completely overwhelmed.  Not the best time to be making an irrevocable decision.  A decision that I did not know all of the ramifications of.

I could go on about this conversation, and I plan to explore it more one day.  But for right now, I think Laurie stated best in a comment on Susie's blog.   These are the words I couldn't seem to convey to BF last night.

(Laurie is speaking of her son who is now an adult.)

"Over the last two weeks, I have had this thought running through my mind. My adoption experience and his adoption experience are different. Yes, we both suffered a loss, but his life got filled up with time spent growing up, having his heart filled with love, experiencing things for the first time, becoming his own person. 

My adoption experience started when I was almost an adult. It was filled with loss and grief that I fully understood as a person with mature feelings. I had a hole in my soul that no one could fill and I could not let go of. I tried to fill it with the wrong things sometimes, I told him this, too. 

For me, the depth of my pain is directly correlated to the depth of my love for him." 


Jenn said...

I'm so sorry LisaAnne ((hugs)). I've had a few people make comments to me like "I don't know how you do it... I couldn't" and my response is always "I don't have a choice. It's sink or swim". I think when you're in a bad position, a hard position, you do what you have to do to survive. If that means trying to put things behind you to parent your other children and feeling sad on your own or with BF, then that's what you do.

Sending hugs your way...

Anonymous said...

I wish I had something of substance to say, but I fear I don't. I want you to know I'm thinking of you this month especially...If you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen I'm so with you, on your side. And I hope you find a peace, maybe not with your decision but with the life you have now.

The Annessa Family said...

Oh this breaks my heart. I so hope and pray to honor and respect everything Addie's birth mom chose to do for her. I can't imagine the pain all birth mothers face, and I agree, it's correlated with what you have lost.

The reality that in becoming a mother, another mother no longer has their daughter with them...that hurts

But I will always do my best, I might fail, but I'll do my best. And I so hope Addie will grow up fully knowing her birth family and feeling like she is a part of it.

I'll be praying.


Jeannette said...

"our daughter will never resent us for choosing to let her be parented by another family, and that her adoptive parents will suddenly one day realize that it is in her best interest for them to have a genuine, interactive relationship with us. And that her childhood will be so happy that she will never feel like she is the adopted child"

All of this that you wrote I'm still waiting for 20 years later. I wish I could tell you it gets better with reunion that the pain goes away but it doesn't. You do learn not to cry constantly(only when you are alone in the car). You do find the stregnth to go on becaue there are no options you have to put one foot in front of the other.

Anonymous said...

I pray for you often my friend. I have no words to comfort, but I will continue to pray for you. "HOPE"...

Anonymous said...

We are living a parallel lives, states apart. You a little further into your journey than mine.....and our relationships with our children's APs are different, but we are feeling the same regret, grief while trying to parent. I'm having those same conversations with our son's natural father. The grief for us is different, we carried, labored and gave birth to these children. Our brain changes, as it is supposed to. We bond with them through these processes.

Dear friend, I am so sorry. I wish we lived closer, we could just cry together. That is, of course, when we clear some times on our calendars..... (((HUGS)))

Laurie said...

Just found your blog and it made me tear up reading your words and your bio on the right. Then when I saw the pictures of Brit and read that you wish to see more of her living so close, I really felt deep deep sadness and loss for you.

I too have a baby girl. She is mine through adoption and I am on the other side, wanting an open adoption with her birthmother. Or atleast a meeting (she never met us or the baby at birth). She never responds to the photos and updates I send and it makes me so sad. I want to hug her and thank her and tell her that her loss was our gain and she will always have a meaningful place in our daughter's life. But she won't let us in. I am going to remember to pray that your daughter's parents come around as I pray for my daughter's birthmom to do the same.

A Life Being Lived said...

Oh Lisa, I am sending you hugs and calm thoughts and prayers. I sincerely hope and pray and beg the heavens, the cosmos, God, that Brit's parents can understand that having a relationship with you and your children and her father can only enrich her life, and be a positive thing for all. As a birthmom I am one of the ones who yes, to this day, am convinced that I made the right decision for me, for my daughter. But my situation is different than every other situation; no pregnancy, no adoption experience is alike. I didn't have, literally, anything, aside from love to give my daughter. I know first hand that it wasn't enough. Your post really struck a chord with me; "Never once have I wished that my parents would have placed me for adoption because an adoptive family would have given me 'more'". Unfortunately I wished for that my entire childhood and even into my 20's. I've learned that everyone has a cross to bear and different circumstances; I am an adult now and have to accept who my parents were/were not, what they did provide and what they could/did not. I have a sister and we are both in therapy and counseling and sadly, we grew up with a mother who resented being a mom and a dad who was well meaning but mostly absent. I can see how that directly correlated to my adoption decision; I didn't want to repeat the pattern with my daughter. In your case it was much different. What you can trust in and know though, is that you did make a decision to give Brit what you thought she needed, and you put her first. I know right now it doesn't seem like anything good can come of this, but I know that she will feel how much you love her, how much she is treasured and loved and prayed for every single day. I am so sorry that your road is so difficult right now. Sending you love and peace...

amelia said...

I'm so sorry for the grief you're experiencing. Remember, you are not alone

LisaAnne said...

Thanks all for the encouragement.

I know that we will live through this. And I do have to hold fast to that HOPE that the story line will get better and our relationship with Brit will improve and become stronger over the years.

I do function just fine. I laugh and play with the children I am parenting. I am a fully functioning employee and darn good significant other to the man I love.

But it is the 'busy' that I use to keep me from thinking about the grief and regret. When given any moment of silence, I immediately 'go there'.

Amelia, I pray for you every night. I honestly feel like God planted you in my path to teach me to be more grateful for the relationship I DO have with my daughter and the interaction her parents have with me. I know that I wish for an authentic relationship with them. More than just the 'required' email once a month, and now a seemingly once a year visit. But then I consider that at least I know she is well and happy. I am getting pictures and anecdotal stories about her everyday life.

But you my friend, pine for a single picture.

And I know there are so many other birthmothers out there who are the same. They are living in the dark about where their child is, how he/she is doing, and wondering if they even know that there is another mother whose heart is longing to know him/her.

Just the thought of that breaks my heart.

So I pray not only for improvement to my adoption relationship, but also specifically for yours too.

And to those moms who are wishing for a closer relationship with their child's first families, I must admit, I am jealous. And at the same time, I am so thankful for parents like you who know that it is important for your child to know about their first families. Keep trying. Keep reaching out. It is so admirable that you continue to hold out HOPE for your potential relationship too.