Friday, June 3, 2011

This post may not be for you

This will not be a adoption triad sensitive post.  I can sense it already.  So if you are someone who reads my blog because you are friends with Brit's parents, just go ahead and stop right now.  If you are an adoptive parent who doesn't want to know about birthparent grief, this post is not for you either. 

If you feel the need to post something mean spirited toward me after you read this, please don't.  I have plenty of self-loathing to go around so I don't need anyone else to send any more hatred my way.  I have that covered all by myself.

This is going to be a pouring out of my heart that is not meant to hurt anyone, but is a vent for my anguish.  It is not meant to blame, but it may come off that way.  I am sorry in advance if it does, but this is my blog.  And my heart hurts.

I have just a few minutes until I leave for a meeting but I have something weighing so heavily on my heart, I have to type it out.

Brit's parents are having twins.  Due this summer.  A boy and a girl.

I also have a friend who has a set of twins, also boy and girl, who were born at a similar time of year.  Therefore, my friend has matching outfits that would be great for Brit's brother and sister. So, like I would do for any other friend, I went to my friend's garage sale a couple of weeks ago and bought a few matching outfits so I could give them to Brit's family for the new babies.

When I got the most recent monthly email from Brit's mom, I replied back that if they were ever out and about I had several outfits I would love to get to them for the twins.  She emailed me back and said her husband keeps saying he needs to stop by where I work so maybe the next time he is here he can pick up the clothes.  She thanked me for thinking of them and said they would definitlely be welcomed as she knows they will need so many things having twins.

So I brought the bag of the clothes to work.  I have had the bag sitting outside my office door with Brit's dad's name on it all week.

I decided today that I am going to have to move it.  It is hurting my heart to see it sit there.

I live 10 minutes from Brit and her family.  I could run it over to their house in a heartbeat.  But I can't because I am not a part of their life. 

They have friends who can stop by and see Brit.  But I can not.

Brit's neighbors know what Brit looks like and how she plays outside.  My kids do not. They are not allowed to see their biological sister.  They are not allowed a relationship with her.

When we had Christmas gifts for Brit, my BF met Brit's father at a sports bar - 5 minutes from both of our homes, so we could give the gifts to him to take home to Brit.  I wasn't even invited to be part of the exchange.

Why don't I have adoptive parents like so many of you?  I read adoptive parent's posts and articles about how they wish they lived closer to their child's birthfamily so they could get together.

I live 10 minutes from them.  10 minutes.  It might as well be 1,000 miles.

We chose these parents because we wanted our daughter to grow up in the same community as our boys, so they would have similar childhood experiences.

We wanted them to be close so we could share in her life.

Instead, I am tormented as I look down every aisle at the grocery store, hoping and praying that I could catch a glimpse of them shopping there at the same time.

I know my boundaries.  I know when I am not welcome.  I am a civilized, professional, adult mother of many children myself.  I am not going to interject myself into their lives unwelcomed.

I do not drive by their house.  I never ever call them.  I send cards on holidays, which I believe to be an appropriate time to do so.

But I want to be a part of their lives.  I want to be welcomed.

I have never received a card from them.  Not on my birthday, not on mother's day.  Not ever.

The same mother who text messaged and called me when I was pregnant has never once sent me a text or called me since the day they took my daughter home with them.  While I am very grateful for the monthly email with pictures (and I pray they never stop them), it does not replace sincere interaction.  Monthly reporting is not the same as conversation.

I shared everything with them when I was pregnant.  Pictures, stories, even the entire birth of their daughter.  I wanted them to know me, my kids and my life.  I wanted them to know that they were now a part of my family.

What I didn't realize was that everything was going to change once Brit went home with them.

I know my daughter is loved by them.  I know she is happy.  They have never once said anything unkind to me directly.

But if I would have known then what I know now, I would not have made the decision I did.

I pray that my daughter will want to know me and us.  I pray that she is just like me and she begs her parents to let her see us.  I hope she wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to her.

I guess that is what I have to do.  Pray that the child will change their hearts, if nothing else does.

I hate this.

So much for making it to my meeting.  My eyes are nearly swollen shut.  Looks like I'm stuck at my desk for the rest of the day.

It is amazing how one decision has changed me from the happy go lucky girl I once was, to a shell of a person just trying to keep it all together.


Susie said...

Oh LisaAnne, I am so sorry that you and your boys have been shut out of your daughters life. I wish that every mother facing an unexpected pregnancy and considering adoption could read these heartbreaking words.

I don't know how anybody could reply to this post with anything mean spirited. It is simply the truth. The truth of life being lived as a mother without her child.

Sending you much love,

Debbie said...

Adoptive mom here and I love my daughters first mom as much if not more then my sister. We used to live 30 minutes away for the first few months and it was great. Now we're far away and we both hate the distance.

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how hard that is for you to be so close and not allowed to see her. Have you talked with them asking for a visit even if only a short one?
Praying that the birth of the twins will open their eyes. Praying they'll let go of their fears and realize how special it is to have you and your kids in Brit's life.

MommySquared said...

Oh LisaAnne, I am so sorry you are going through this ... I hope there comes a time they realize you are not threatening their relationship with Brit but only enhancing it giving you and your family visits is the best thing for everyone!

You should not be criticized for sharing your feelings and no one should come down on you for wanting such a simple thing out of life ...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that Brit's parents relax some for you to have a relationship with contact soon!

Thinking of you,

Lu Holt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, and my heart just aches for you. My mind gets very irritated with them, and I just cannot believe how they do not care that they are crushing you and your boys like this. I cannot even imagine this scenario. It would have killed me (and I mean literally), and I don't know what it would have done with my daughter. I already know what the actual relinquishment did to us - it changed things forever.

Sounds like some incredible insecurities that Brit's Amom has. I can only hope that once she has the twins that MAYBE she will come to her senses and understand to put Brit's 'need to know you and where she came from' first. For Brit - not for you, or your boys - because you already know how hard it is to participate in a triad by keeping your heart open for Brit.

They really need to somehow get a hold of this book - 'Making Room In Our Hearts'. This book interviews adoptees, Aparents, Bparents, BGrandparents and AGrandparents - and SUPPORTS open adoption FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE ADOPTEE.
Maybe some of their friends will read this and buy it for them. Or, I'd be happy to send it to them myself. When I found this book I immediately told W's Aparents about it, and they read it from front to back.

Makes me angry with them, and truly sounds like they fast-tracked you, given the instant cut-off that they did once they got your precious baby girl.

How can anyone justify doing this? It's not like you did anything to make them want to pull back. It's all about her insecurities. And it's a shame. You gave them a part of you, and their actions are nothing less than despicable.

I know you are protective of them, as they have Brit and do love and care for her, and not that I wish anything to happen (other than for them to give Brit a chance to show them that she will love them no matter what), but I'm sorry, you know what they say about karma.....

gorsmom3 said...

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I always love reading your posts and I admire the way you try to keep a sunny attitude about Brit's adoption and always speak respectfully of her parents. As an adoptive mom who desperately wishes my son's natural mom would want more contact, I just really don't understand their actions. Our situation is different in that we already had two older children and we were acquainted with our son's birth mom way before her pregnancy, so there were no insecurities from infertility and the adoption was not what crossed our paths in life. She is also young, and going on with her life, but I feel it is so important for our son to know as he gets older that he is still important to her. That she thinks of him, and that she is available to answer his questions when he has them. Before his birth, she wanted an open adoption and told us she wanted to answer his tough questions when he had them. She is the one whose actions and attitudes have changed since his young babyhood. I don't pretend to know her feelings or her pain, or Brit's parents' feelings or insecurities, but I do know that we all have a need to know where we come from and that we are loved. I hope and pray that Brit's parents will have a change of heart and realize the importance of these things for her sake. Praying for you tonight.....

MrsPerrbear said...

As you know, I am neither friends with Brit's parents nor an adoptive parent who wishes to remain ignorant of birthmother grief. I am your friend, and you are the closest thing I have to a twin in the world of adoption. But GOD...I should have listened to the disclaimer at the beginning and skipped this post.

My eyes are puffy and red along with you, Lisa. My heart bleeds with you. My prayers are with you. Reading this post was like ripping a gigantic scab that I have been fighting tooth and nail to heal. Don't publish this if it's going to cause you any further problems (or delete it accordingly), but what is wrong with these people? And by that, I don't just mean Brit's parents...I mean Marc and Lisa and the many other adoptive parents who do this.

I don't give a crap who feels entitled to what, or who signed're a human being. You gave birth to a human being. You placed her directly in the life of another set of human beings. How can human beings be this hateful to one another? How can they or anyone else who does this justify treating someone like this? I too have asked "Why can't they just be like everyone else?" I too have stared at aisles, and parks, and splash pads (although your neighbor analogy was when I finally started full on sobbing)...looking, and yet never finding.And being so frustrated that others can see, without having to look. How do they sleep at night? Somewhere in between the runny noses, and the boo boos, and the first day of preschool, and all the other crap that people like to spout off that makes them "real parents"...where are the important things? When do they teach unconditional love, and compassion, and sympathy, and empathy? How can that happen if they themselves can't show it???

I worry, long and hard, about the reasons that people like this consider it "OK" to continually cause anguish to someone who never meant to bring them anything but joy. Just once, JUST ONCE, I wish these people would be held accountable for these selfish decisions made for the benefit of satisfying their own issues. I would love to hear their answers, their self serving justifications. I am always told it is because of fear or insecurity and my response is always "OF WHAT?????"

I am not a drug addict, or a deadbeat, or a threat to their safety and security, and neither are you. We are mothers of our own children for pete's sake. And we do a darn good job with that, despite overactive inner voices, and hearts that are barely held together with bandaids and stitches, and the occasional picture.

I agree with Susie entirely when she said "I wish that every mother facing an unexpected pregnancy and considering adoption could read these heartbreaking words." Somewhere in between all the stories of hate and resentment, and the butterflies and rainbows live people like us...trying to stay afloat while our heads are pushed under water by the same people we trusted the most. People who aren't "bitter" or "delusional"...just straight up betrayed.

My love and concern are with you always. Hang in there Love.

Jessica said...

My heart breaks for you. As an adoptive Mom, I cannot imagine treating my daughter's birth family this way. Praying it changes for you!

Joy for the Seasons said...

Oh this post makes my heart just ache and ache. {{{BIG HUGS}}} to you!!

Anonymous said...

What MrsPerrbear and Susie said, +1.

I am so sorry you are going through this type of betrayal.


Crystal Renee said...

I feel a little upset reading this. Feeling as if this might happened to me as well. I have been thinking a lot lately about placing and you seem the closest to where I am at in my life. This is my 4th as well. A girl. Email me please.