Friday, June 10, 2011

God answered my prayers - just not with MY answer

So the previous cryptic post was in response to the end of my relationship with Brit's BF. 

BF and I have always gotten along beautifully, mostly because he never, ever entertains any confrontation.  He won't even playfully argue with me. 

Needless to say, we never fight.

But I have always felt that he doesn't treat me as if I am that "special person" in his life.  He would forget to call me.  He makes plans without including me.  Just things that hurt my feelings.

So a couple of times in the last two years this has come to a head with me and I have confronted him about it.

What it has boiled down to, after all he and I have been through, and the time we have spent together, I want to know that he is planning on a future together with me.

The answer he has always given me is that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but he isn't ready for that level of commitment yet.

I have gone along with this for some time now.  I just prayed that God would soften his heart and take away the obvious pain he has from his previous marriage and subsequent divorce.

But this week we had a little incident where our kids wanted to play together and rather than talk to me on the phone about it, he spoke only to his children.  It hurt my feelings because it made me feel like I am not valued enough by him that he would call me and let me be the parent on hand (I was standing there with his kids and mine - he was at work).  But instead, he just spoke to his own children who in turn relayed information to me.

So an hour or so later, he sent me an email at work stating that he did that because he wants to teach his children responsibility and he felt like it was an issue between him and his kids about sticking to a plan.

I replied to him that it hurt my feelings because I felt like he didn't value me being a part of his children's lives enough that he would allow me to work out a simple play date between our children.  I also mentioned that this simple communication issue drug up feelings of insecurity about our relationship that lay just below the surface for me.

In a nut shell, his email response back to me was that he is perfectly OK with our relationship as it stands today.  He likes the dating relationship we have.  And he has given it much thought lately and he believes he will not be ready for a more committed relationship until his youngest son is in high school. (Note: That is 7 years from now.)  He ended it with he wasn't sure where that would leave us until then.

He and I have been together for 2 years.  Had a child together.  We are both almost 40 years old.  We have seen each other at our worst (the stress of an unplanned pregnancy and subsequent adoption).

Our children seem to get along very well.  They beg to play with each other.  They share similar interests and mutual friends.

I have given all I can give.  I have loved him with my entire being.  Even when I was walking around with a wounded heart.

And his response to me is - 'maybe I will be ready to consider life with you 7 years from now'.

So I typed a quick response to his email and let him know that was all I needed to hear.  I would swing by his house, pick up the few clothes I have there and leave his house key on the counter.

I told him I appreciated his honesty.

I received no reply.  No email.  No phone call.  Nothing.  And that was Wednesday.

I cried that day.  ALOT.

I am a smart girl.  I have known in my heart that he wasn't right for me.  I have listened to everyone around me tell me he is not right for me and that I deserve so much more than he is willing to give.  I have been called a fool for hanging on.  His best friend's girlfriend told me months ago that I need to move on and find someone who can be more attentive.

BF is not capable of showing me the love, affection and attention that I would desire from a spouse.  But I wanted so badly to make us work.  I was willing to settle for feeling neglected sometimes because I love him.  And he is a really nice guy.  Not a single person would argue that.  Even those who told me I should move on, agreed that he is a nice guy.

But the more I thought about what had just transpired that day, I realized God had His hand in that email from BF.  When I read those words, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind about what needed to happen next.  Casually dating someone for 11 years is not acceptable to me.

I should be special enough to you that you can't imagine life without me.

If you are thinking about how you just want to wait 7 more years to get your kids through high school, then you are imagining life without me - and apparently you are OK with that.

I had a really good day on Thursday.  I kept focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 and the plans that God has in store for me.

That night, when I went to bed, I found myself offering prayers of thanksgiving for God showing me so clearly what needed to happen.  In the past I prayed for BF's heart to change.  But no more. 

I now have a heart of anticipation for what is next for me.  God has something in store.  I know He does.

I know that every day won't be great.  But I am glad that at least I can look forward with hope.  And that God has given me a peace in my heart to finally let go of what I have been clinging to for so long.

So now I plan to get out of the way and see what God wants for me.

Yes, I know that is what I should have been doing all along, but we control freaks have a hard time with that.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts and words.  It has been so comforting.

I will close with my favorite two quotes from the same dear friend this week.  He is like a father figure to me (he is older than my own father).  He was recently married to the love of his life.  It only took him 4 failed attempts to find her!

The first thing he said to me when I told him what had happened was,

"His loss Lisa.  He wasn't prepared for the magnificence that is you"
Then he followed up with me the next day to see if I was doing OK.  After a quick conversation he said,

"It's unbelievable to be with someone who cherishes you.  Don't settle for anything else." 


gorsmom3 said...

He is right. You deserve so much more than ambivalence. Hang in there!

LeMira said...

Recognizing the Lord's answer can be more than half the battle for me. Sometimes, we just have to pray to know what that is. I agree, don't settle for less than someone who adores and cherishes you above all others.

Cash's Birthmomma said...

I needed to hear this Lisa, I've been going through a similar situation, only I am quite a bit younger ! Thanks for this.
I hope you are okay. Just remember how special you are, and you will find someone who tells you that every day. Hugs to you!