Friday, May 25, 2012

Choosing to live, despite the grief

I find that I am not visiting blog land very often any more.  I have a few blogs I follow that I check in on, but rarely comment anymore.  I do love seeing healthy open adoption relationships and I really like watching as so many of you adoptive mothers share and interact with your children's birth families.  That part will always bring me joy.  So I don't think I will ever stop coming back from time to time to check in on my 'friends'.

With today being the 25th, and holding the knowledge that I will receive a Brit update today, I have reflected about what has changed within me that has altered the way I have been expressing my grief lately.  Lack of blogging is visible evidence of this change.

While I did not believe that it could happen, I am coming to terms with our situation.  I still don't like it.  Without a doubt, I want a real relationship with our daughter and her family.  The kind of relationship that includes two-sided conversation and mutual respect for each other.

That is not where we are.  It is obvious that is not where they want to be right now.  That makes me sad.  But as hard as I have fought, and the endless tears that I have shed, have not changed a thing.  They stand fast in their decision to limit their interaction with us to monthly emails and what appears to be a yearly visit.

But now, instead of crying without ceasing, I find myself thinking that it is a crying shame that this is how things are.  Poor Brit is missing out.  Even more so, Brit's parents are missing out.

BF and I are really good people.  We are fun.  We are great parents.  We are great aunts and uncles.  We are great friends.  We even get along with our former spouses.  We are the kind of people who care about others and we do what we can to support the people in our lives.  We have great kids who would love to know their sister.  They would enjoy playing with her and talking with her.  They would be so good to her, just as they are so good to their cousins and even the little princess we take care of on the weekends. (The one year old daughter of my friend who chose to parent instead of placing.)  Our kids would love a relationship with Brit just as much as we would.

It's a shame that Brit's parents do not appreciate that we could be their biggest cheerleaders.  Instead, they have chosen to purposely exclude us as much as they can.

But I that was not our choice.  It is theirs alone.

We continue to reach out.  And we will continue to reach out.

We will continue to send Brit cards and small gifts.  I also think I may start a journal for her, so she knows about what our family was doing while she was growing up somewhere else.  I want her to know that we thought about her everywhere we went and in everything we did.

I still cry.  I also still wake in the middle of the night with a deep ache that is caused by missing part of my heart.  I dream about her.  And everywhere I go something reminds me of her.

But I am doing a better job of living.  I am allowing myself the freedom to enjoy the children who I am parenting.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself for my adoption decision.  But, at least I am figuring out a way to keep living despite that regret.

Sometimes I even catch myself thinking about how great it will be to someday have a relationship with a daughter who is old enough to choose to have her own relationship with us.  I pray that the desire in her heart to know us will be as great as the desire we have to know her.  And I hope that her genetics will have created a heart in her that is like mine, a heart that will bring her back to us.

So today I will wait.  Because for a few moments today I will get to read about what is she is doing now, and see a new picture or two of what she looks like now.  BF and I will talk about how adorable she is and marvel at her newest accomplishments. And I will cry.

Then, I will get up and go tend to the children I have in my house. Because I have to keep living.

Here are a few pics of the life we have had lately...

Explaining to BF that he had just arrived home to a huge surprise 40th bday party in his honor

BF and me in the kitchen at his party

Fun times on the trampoline

Me and the princess at one of the boy's soccer games

Lisa and BF having fun dressing princess up
Pretty Easter dress

Embarrassing my son by wearing a hat at his baseball  tournament

Me and BF walking along the strip in Vegas last weekend (terrible picture, great memory)


Venessa said...

Lisa...Hopefully we will see posts from you from time to time! I have learned so much from you and appreciate all the heartfelt messages you have sent my way. I think of you often and pray that one day you will know your daughter!

Lu Holt said...

I love the idea you have to keep a journal for Brit! What a great thing to do for her and for you as you are writing it.
I look forward to your posts and always have hope that something will change.
You are awesome and one day that little girl is going to want to know you and she will have the choice.
I'm sorry for your pain... It's not fair.

BumbersBumblings said...

Lisa, I just love you and your heart so much. I was just sharing your story with a friend today and started boohooing for you and BF. I'm so glad we are fb friends so I can keep up with you and be reminded to pray for you whenever I see updates. You are an amazing mom and no one that comes into contact with you would doubt that. I won't stop praying for a miracle in your life!

Anonymous said...

I am so torn reading this. It's happy that you are beginning to 'live' without the daily breakdowns, and sad that you are just 'resolving' to the fact that this is what you 'have' to do, just breaks my heart.....and it is what I am going to have to do also. Still in the daily crying stages myself. And still not forgiving myself.

Kim said...

Lisa, love, hang in there. I KNOW it's hard, I know. It doesn't necessarily get easier but it does get...well, less painful. I will pray, pray, pray for a change of heart for your daughter's A-parents. Not only is Brit missing out, but THEY are missing out. It could be so amazing. I am praying peace for your heart.

GondolaQueen said...

Oh, I've just found your blog through OAS, and it breaks my heart that you have to go through this, when an open adoption could be so much more if only Brit's a.parents could let it be.

I hope one day soon, something opens their eyes and they let you be a bigger part of their lives.

Jake and Terri said...

I hope and pray that someday you will be able to have a relationship with Brit and her family. I hope that someday she will know that even though your life continued, you continued to think of her and try to find ways to include her in your life.

Thank you for sharing your story.