Thursday, February 2, 2012

Big brother denied

I wish that this adoption situation wasn't so hard on my youngest son.  He is definitely passionate about the fact that he is being denied a relationship with HIS sister.

Last night he was talking to a friend I had over from church (someone who does not know us well), and he proceeded to tell her that he has a little sister who he is not allowed to see because her adoptive mom is not nice to us.

Now mind you, this woman from church didn't even know I had a child that I had placed.  She was witness to what she thought was a simple conversation about how many brothers and sisters are part of our family.  But instead of a simple answer, she was trying to put together all the tidbits of information that D was offering.

I was doing what I could to try to redirect the conversation, but it was obvious that I was trying to hush a child who wanted to tell about his family.  I wished I could run across the room and cover his mouth, but I think it is important that he is allowed to speak of his sister as if she is part of our family, because she is.  And let's be real here, he was speaking the truth.  He has a sister.  He is not allowed to know her.  He had no choice in the matter.  And it's not fair.

I quickly corrected D and said that he has no idea if Brit's mom is nice or not nice, because he doesn't even know her.  And I mentioned that Brit probably thinks her mom is very nice and I am sure she loves her very much.  I also told him (and the poor visitor who was watching it all go down) that just because we haven't been allowed to have a family visit with Brit, doesn't mean her mom is not nice.

But D wanted to be very clear that he is being denied a relationship with his REAL sister.  He continued by saying "I can prove it, if we had a DNA test they would KNOW she is MY sister!"

I am so sorry that I did this to my children.  All of them.

I just wish we could fix it.  I wish that we were allowed a relationship with this little girl. For the sake of all the children involved.

It seems like it could be such a simple solution that could be beneficial for all involved.

I wish we were all on the same page.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are not able to have the relationship you wish for with your daughter. Reading your blog gives me a birthmother's perspective and makes me think aobut how the other side feels. We adopted our son in 2008 and his birthmother is a huge part of our lives. We talk to her, text, and visit once a year. This doesn't mean that it is always easy for her, but she knows she is a part of us too. Our son has a half sibling, whom his birthmom is raising. We know that his relationship with her is so important, especially for the future. I hope that one day you will have the relationship you desire with your daughter and her family.

BumbersBumblings said...

Poor guy, so heartbreaking!!

The Annessa Family said...

This just broke my heart.


Debbie said...

Heartbreaking. And when Brit is older she just may start feeling the same way. That she is being denied the right to know her first family.

amelia said...

Oh how I can relate to your story

Nan said...

I am sorry about the powerlessness of your situation. I am sorry that it hurts so many around you, when it could potentially be so much more positive if a more open relationship was sought by all parties.

When I first believed I would have an opportunity to reunite with my birth daughter and her parents, my whole family was so excited about the prospect. My girls all wrote letters to their "sister." They have known about her all their lives, even though she was born so many years before them. I am glad there has never been any secrecy in my family in regards to that.

But then when the reunion didn't happen as planned, it was devastating for my whole family. They could not understand why they wouldn't get to know their sister.

Luckily, the reunion did miraculously happen, finally. And even though it wasn't as perfect as I had hoped, it was a blessing for my whole family, and I will never regret being able to have her and her parents in my life.

I just wish more adoptive parents could understand how much we need their love and compassion. No relationship is easy, but what a blessing it can be to extend the circle of love surrounding the sweet children we as birth parents have given to them!

Thank you for your kind comments on my blog. I think of you and pray for your family, including your sweet Brit, often.

MommySquared said...

{{hugs}} to you and your boys ... I am sorry that all of you are going through this ... it is good that you let your boys talk about their feelings and be there for them ....

On Loan From Heaven said...

It takes a village... but it starts with family.

No child should be denied the opportunity to know each and every person who loves them... but to now know the FAMILY that loves you? They're doing their daughter... D's sister... a dis-service.

How do the boys (ALL of them... BF's included) handle this together? Do BF's boys have the same hurt or is it somehow different for a First Dad's kids?

I've always wondered so I thought I'd ask :-)

I love you, friend. So So much.

etropic said...

OUCH! Your son is a smart one there! Kudos for him! Let him talk, it's obvious he needs to talk obviously.