Hindsight - why I chose adoption when I did

Often I am asked why we placed Brit if we so badly want a relationship with her.  A very fair question.

The simple answer is: When we chose adoption we chose a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

BF and I had just started dating.  We had been together a matter of weeks when I got pregnant.  There is no excuse for why.  We are old enough to know better, we are educated, we are responsible in most other areas of our lives.  We simply did not communicate well about this area of our relationship.

When I found I was pregnant we were faced with what we felt like was an unbelievable set of circumstances.  Two people, just getting to know each other, newly divorced, raising 5 boys of our own as single parents.  Both over 35 years old and 'done having children'.  Or so we thought.

BF is an accountant. He is calculated.  He plans.  He rationalizes.  And it takes him a REALLY long time to make a commitment to something/someone.  He has to be certain.

I am impulsive.  I love fast and easily.  I believe all things will work out for the best and that people are good.  I trust and forgive easily.  I deal with things only if I have to.  Denial is a preferred method for difficult situations if at all possible. 

So being unexpectedly pregnant threw both of us for a loop.  It didn't fit into any plan BF had for his life, and I simply did not know what to do about it.  We were overwhelmed.

While it is probably an understood, I think it bears stating.  Pregnancy does not induce the most clear thinking of a woman's life.  Hormones wreak havoc.  Thoughts swirl.  Tears come easily.  Insanity is just below the surface.  Small problems can become huge issues resulting in overreaction.  To say the least.

I just couldn't fathom how I was going to be able to parent the 3 boys I had, plus care for a new baby.  I felt like the weight of bearing that load was oppressive.  And not fair to any of the children involved.  Especially this child.

BF was equally overwhelmed.  The idea of parenting a child with someone he had just started dating (I am quite a catch but he didn't realize it yet, lol), was more than he could imagine.

We had a problem (so we thought), so we had to find a solution.  Abortion was not an option for me so that was quickly eliminated.  So we could parent or place this child with another family.

We found ourselves saying over and over again how we wanted this child to have a set of married parents, just like our boys had when they were born.  We wanted him/her to have an idyllic childhood, like we had planned for our boys.  We both hated the fact that our children were now dealing with divorced parents.  We had never wanted that for any of them.

So if we could give this child an advantage instead of a disadvantage by providing her with a loving, intact family from the very beginning, weren't we doing the right thing for her?

That was our justification.

Brit deserved two married parents, just like her brothers had when they were born.

So we made the decision to place without ever seriously considering parenting.  Parenting just didn't seem to be the logical choice.  We believed we should do the 'right thing' for this child, giving her married parents.

We chose her parents, and began developing our relationship with them.  They became a part of our lives.

The abbreviated version of that story would be: A couple wanted to be parents, heard about us, thought we were the solution to their problem (infertility). We saw them as the solution to our need for a married set of parents for our child. 

It was as simple as that.  They were good people, the kind of people we thought would be great parents.  They were like us.  They were willing and able to do what we thought we could not.

Now for the hindsight...

BF and I should have spent alot of time talking about parenting.  We should have let our hearts realize that this was OUR child.  We should have only considered parenting until we could justify why we couldn't parent.

I did not do adequate research.  Once I made the decision that adoption was our choice, I did not want to read horror stories.  I didn't want to hear about anything that would conflict with what I believed would be a fairy tale ending to this story.  So I stopped reading anything except happy adoption supportive literature.

Brit's parents were not done dealing with infertility.  They knew they wanted to be parents.  Adoption was the next logical solution to make that happen.  They had not had any pre-adoption counseling.  They had just begun inquiring about adoption.  They had barely had a chance to process what parenting an adopted child would entail.  I believe they were not yet prepared for becoming parents through adoption (just like we were not prepared to become 'birthparents').  They were ready to be parents.  But being adoptive parents takes a whole heap of fortitude that not everyone is able to handle, especially without professional advice before you enter an adoption relationship.

BF and I had no idea what having a child who we would not be able to have a relationship with would do to us as people.  We had no idea how strong the desire would be for us to have a relationship with our child after she was born. We were convinced this would be a neat and tidy situation.  Child has parents, parents love baby, we are happy for all of them and their perfect world. 

I should have not become so emotionally vested in my relationship with Brit's adoptive mother.  Because every time I had thoughts about keeping Brit, I thought about how it would hurt her mom and I didn't want to hurt her/them.

Although we saw two separate counselors repeatedly, I should have found someone who had extensive birthparent experience.  I should have sought wise counsel.

There are so many more things I could list here.  But it all comes down to this...

If only we would have known then what we know now, the decision would have been different.

Hindsight. 

BF and I should be parenting Brit.  We should have parented her from the beginning.  We should not have ever entertained the idea of adoption.  We are capable, experienced parents and we should have just pulled ourselves up and said, we can do this.  It might not be ideal, but we can do this.

I am not anti-adoption.  I do believe there are some people who should not or cannot parent children, whether or not they give birth to them.  But what I have realized is that if at all possible, keeping a child with his or her birth family should be the very first choice.  Even if it is hard.

But if it cannot be done, for reasons that are more than just temporary, then the child should still be allowed a relationship with his/her first family.

I made what I thought was the logical choice for Brit's well being based only on the circumstances as they presented themselves at that time.  There was SO much more to consider.  We thought we were doing the right thing.

BF and I are good parents.  We are good providers.  We love our children.  We should have spent more time focusing on that.

However...

The adoption decision is irrevocable (especially in Kansas, there is absolutely no recourse.  Papers are signed 48 hours after birth and there is no revocation period.).

My daughter is being raised by a different family.  That is the reality.

All we can do now is try to make this the very best situation for her.  The decision was made.  Right or wrong.  It's over.

I will not undermine her parents.  They are her parents now.  I will support them, and love them.  That's what families do.  I will do my part to make this the very best relationship I can.  Even when it's hard.

I have no blame for anyone but myself.  I made the decision.  I am now living the consequences of that decision.  The regret and grief is self-inflicted.

So onward. 

Now, we are going to do everything in our power to be available to that little girl.  We are going to work on our relationship with her parents.  We are vested.  We will not just give up on the idea of an open adoption just because it is hard.  Families work through relationship struggles.  We are committed to filling whatever role we are allowed to have in the life of sweet Brit.  We are going to continue to love her to pieces.  And hopefully, that will not have to be from afar.

Final thoughts:
Please do not read the preceding and make any assumption that I am against adoption.  There are people who should be parents.  People who may not give birth to a child, but who love the child in their life as if they did.

Adoption is not an innately bad thing.  On the contrary, I believe that adoption can be a beautiful thing.  I derive so much joy from reading about my friends who have beautiful, healthy, open adoptions.  Not perfect adoption relationships.  But they make the best of what they have.  Just like any of us do as parents.  They respect the role of everyone in the adoption relationship and they are child centric, focusing on what is best for the child, not just what is least painful for the adults.

Because of my research and now very personal interest in adoption relationships, I have also developed a heart for children in foster care.  Those children DESERVE families who love them.  Forever families.  I am so thankful there are good people who are willing to take on that role for those children.

There are no manuals for life (with the exception of the Bible, which I should read more!).  We are all just trying to do the best we can, adapting as we go along.

Life is complicated and people are messy.  We are all doing what we think is best. 

And everyone should be treated with a little more grace and compassion.  Everyone.

Being a birthmom at Christmas = emotional trainwreck at any given moment

The boys showing off their new bags

As a whole we had a great Christmas.  The boys got along beautifully and got everything their hearts desired.  My BF absolutely stepped up this Christmas season, welcoming me and the boys into his home for an entire week, making us all feel like the family we plan to be someday.  He was so good to all of us, generous and inclusive.  I think I may have fallen even more in love with him as the week progressed.

While it was good and happy most of the time, I will admit, I had a few breakdowns. 

The first was at the beginning of the break when it became apparent that we would not be seeing Brit this holiday season.  We were hopeful that it would work for her family to come over and let us give her the gifts we chose for her (and a couple for her siblings).  However, the week of Christmas we finally got a note from them saying their schedule just didn't allow the time.  It was very hard on both BF and me.  We had both been very hopeful that it would work out.  We had waited several weeks to see if our request for them to join us for a little time would be doable.  Apparently it just didn't work for them.

So we mailed the gifts.  Mailed them to their home, which happens to be about 7 miles from our home.  It broke our hearts.  ALOT.  BF did a great job consoling me.  It required holding me as I sobbed for hours until I finally fell asleep.  Followed by a second day filled with tears at work.

But I had to move on.  We have a house full of boys who are here with me now who needed me to pull it together.  So I did.

Many happy memories were made before breakdown number two.

As we were getting ready to leave the house to head to BF's family Christmas, BF handed me the photo book that I had created for both of our mothers which included a year full of pictures of Brit.  He said to me that we should probably wait until later to give it to his mom. So let's guess what that started?... Yep, the floodgates.  He was right.  The nieces and nephews at her house would be confused because they barely remember me being pregnant.  And explaining who the baby was in the pictures would be complicated. Timing would be better later.  BUT.  That was all I needed to go into orbit. 

I already missed Brit dearly that Christmas Eve, and suddenly I had a catalyst to start the tears.  Again, BF wrapped his arms around me and told me he knows this is hard.  I cried for a few minutes, walked around out in the cold, pulled myself together and headed over to his mom's.  I also partook in a glass of wine which calmed my nerves enough that I could participate in holiday festivities.

Again, we enjoyed a nice Christmas Eve and when we woke up Christmas morning I did pretty well.  Until after all the boys' stockings were unloaded and they all scattered to their rooms.  As soon as they were out of sight, I found myself back in bed, curled up in a ball, crying softly into my pillow.  BF came looking for me after a while and again, just held me until it passed.  All I could think was that we were missing someone.  Everything was not OK.

I am so glad that he realizes that there is no fixing this.  Nothing he can say or do will make it better.  My heart is missing a piece.  It is gone and there is a painful hole there.  Most of the time I can function covering the hole with being busy.  But when family events happen, and we have all of our children together, I feel like there is a ghost child missing.  And unfortunately I cannot call her, or see her to reassure myself that everything is OK.

I know that Brit is loved and well cared for.  But I miss her and want to know her personally.  We love her too.  And I wish she knew us.  I wish she knew her brothers.

Sunday night I woke up from a deep sleep because I was dreaming of Brit and I realized I have no idea what her voice sounds like.  I couldn't go back to sleep with the nagging feeling of how I just needed to see her.  To know her.

I know that how things are today are not necessarily how they will always be.  That this distance between Brit's family and us may not always exist.

But living through this is really painful.  And waiting is so very hard.

To all who have read my blog, commented or just prayed silently for me,

I appreciate all that you have and continue to do to encourage me.

You have all been so kind and supportive, thank you.

I will admit that I have done little but cry for almost 24 hours.  But the few moments of joy that I am able to salvage from my day generally involve words of encouragement from all of you.

I am trying very hard to hand this over to God because I am not doing a good job of bearing the burden on my own.

Yet, I find that being here, in this ocean of grief is a hard place to leave when you don't see anything but ocean all around.

Thank you again for the prayers, for all of us.

Truly that is the only thing that will change what exists here.

I cannot do it on my own power.  I cannot WILL someone to extend me grace.  I cannot beg for someone to WANT to have a relationship with me.

So I have to let God handle that. 

Thank you my adoptive mom friends

I really did think I was better.  My thoughts were clearing and I had hope for my future relationship with my daughter's parents.

Then it hit again.  I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.

It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship.  You can only be the recipient of good will. 

So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you.  Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train.  Either way, you must grin and bear it.  Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.

So...

I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak.  And one thing surfaced immediately.  There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption.  They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.

And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."

They give me virtual hugs and encouragement.  And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.

So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents.  I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.

To my dear adoptive mother friends,

First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.

Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child.  But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.

Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.

Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.

Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand.  Thank you for forgiving us anyway.  Often many times over.

Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.

Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough.  And scary.  And not easy.

Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later.  Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.

Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.

And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be. 

With heartfelt love,

An appreciative birthmom

Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life.  You are all such amazing women and mothers.  THANK YOU!

Lindsay

MommySquared

Rebekah

Friends through shared grief

This morning I pulled up one of my favorite blogs The Chronicles of Munchkinland which is written by another birthmother.  Jenna is real with her words.  She has a great open adoption relationship with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother.  Even so, she is like so many of us and often debilitated by grief.  I appreciate that she shares how her adoption relationship impacts not only her, but also her children and husband.

Today she was posting about her reaction to an episode of GL.E.E. Click here for the full blog post.

I don't watch the show, but I understand it is currently dealing with a teen birthmother who has been very erratic with her behavior about her child (another hot topic here in blogosphere).  You probably know the storyline better than me, so I will just leave it at that.

Jenna's comments today about this fictional birthmother resonated to my soul. Tears streamed down my face as I read them.  I would like to think these are not universal truths about all birthmothers, but I must say that from the ones I have interacted with, these statements are so very true.

In her post, Jenna is referring to the birthmother character in the show, and she says...

"Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to somehow make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others.

Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad.

And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess.

I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her* birthday draws near (*note, her daughter), my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies.

I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest."

Jenna continues with the lament of my heart. She encapsulates the loneliness and longing that I have for someone to help me live through the pain of a child lost.

 "I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday."

Her words cut to my soul.  She said out loud the things that my heart screams.

I am thankful that I have connected with a friend here in blog land that fits the bill as that person who understands.  I know I can call or text her on those dark days and she will not tell me that it will all be OK, because we know it is not OK.

I am one of the lucky few.  If you can consider it lucky at all.

And if you asked either one of us, we would both tell you that we wish that we never had this common reason to become friends.  We are over 1,000 miles apart, but bound at heart by a grief that thankfully few others can understand.

So in the spirit of thankfulness, I will say, I am thankful for my friend W's Birthmom.  And the other blog friends I have met here.

There are many of you.  Some birthmothers, some adoptive mothers.  Others are just people who have found my blog and prayed for my heart and encouraged me, simply because they were touched by my story.

But today, my heart is heavy for all of us who have relinquished a child and are now living with the consquences of that decision. I wish I could sit in silence next to each one of you as we all hold the pictures of our children and we greive their loss.

Dear Brit, I'm sorry.

Dearest Brit,

It is the holiday season again. Thanksgiving just past, Christmas looming around the corner and Halloween is a not-so-distant memory.  It is a great time of year to be a kid.

Last year at this time, I was pretty much a mess.  I haven't gone back to look at my posts from that time, but I know for a fact that tears were my mainstay.  I missed you so much and wanted you with us so badly.

I must say, not much of that has changed.  I cry less (just because I think my tear supply is permanently diminished).  But the the longing for you is the same.

While it might seem silly, Halloween was hard this year.  There were a few reasons why, but one at the top of the list was because we didn't get to see you all dressed up.  We had all the boys, in costume and together.  But you were missing.

I know your parents took you out and you had a blast.  They told us about it about a month later when we got our monthly update about you.  But for weeks preceding, your (birth)father and I talked about what we thought you might be dressed up as and how you would like walking around getting candy. And the night of Halloween we sure thought about you and wondered how it was going.

This weekend when we were celebrating Thanksgiving, I found that while I have so much to be thankful for, my thoughts always come right back to you and how I wish you were here with us.



Your brothers D and LanMan - your cousin A also at the table.
If you look closely your (birth)father is in the background.

 I wanted you to be making gingerbread houses with your brothers at Nana's house. 

LanMan with your cousin B

I wanted you to be running around with your cousin who is 2 weeks younger than you.  I wanted to hear the two of you talking to each other in that language that toddlers speak to each other while playing with toys. 


I wanted to hold you on my lap while you napped from shear exhaustion from all of the busyness of the day.

Instead of that, when we took pictures, you were missing.  You didn't get to sit at the table with us.  You weren't rolling around on the floor playing with your brothers.  We weren't passing you around from aunt to aunt, oogling over how positively adorable you are.

Me and all my sisters (your aunts) and my mom (your gma)

Thankfully our family doesn't pretend like you don't exist, just because you aren't here.  We all love you so much.  We talk about you and what your parents have told us you are doing now.  We look at your pictures.  We speculate about what it is like to hear your voice.  We talk about how very cute you are and how you look like us.  And of course, all of your aunts ask time and again when I think we might be able to see you.

I sure hope that my counselor is right when she says that the way things are right now is not necessarily how they will be forever.  I don't know if I can bear the thought of not having a relationship with you for much longer.  And you are only 20 months old!

I am glad you have great parents who adopted you.  I know they take very good care of you and that you are happy.  For that, I suppose I am thankful.

But I won't pretend that I don't want a do-over when it comes to choosing to let you be raised in a different family.  The problem is, there are no do-overs with adoption.  We chose that path for you and now we are all living the consequences.  Thankfully your consequences are unnoticeable right now.  You are young and happy.  We are the only ones visibly grieved by your loss.  I do know that this will not always be the case.  As time goes on, you will be the one who is conflicted and forced to deal with all of the issues that are inherent to those who are adopted.

I would guess that someday you are going to wonder how we felt about our decision to place you with another family. I hope that you know that just because we chose adoption when we did, it does not mean we ever stopped loving you or that we didn't think about you all day, every day.

We all miss you.  Every one of us.  Adoption has not just changed me, but it has changed all of us.  Your (birth) father, your brothers, your grandparents, our extended families and even our closest friends.  We miss you.  We wish you were here with us, part of the family you were born into.

But you are not with us.  You don't get to share in the family get-togethers.  And it is our own fault.  We did what we thought was best for you at the time.  Unfortunately we didn't realize the consequences of that decision.  We were wrong.  We could have and should have raised you.  But we can't fix it now. 

What we can do is be ready and available for the moment when we are allow a little access to you by your parents.  And we hope and pray that once you are capable of having a say in it, that you will want to have a relationship with us too.

Now to be clear.  This has little or nothing to do with your adoptive parents.  They are so good to you.  They love you and care for you just exactly how we wanted you to be loved by two married parents.  They are excellent parents as far as we can tell (and we believe it to be so).  All that I am saying is that I wish you would have stayed with us.  Even if it was hard.  Even if we weren't married and you had to be shuttled between two homes.  In hindsight, that is nothing compared to the complication we have created by choosing a completely different family to raise you.

Me and your (birth)father at Jessica's wedding

So please know my dear, sweet Brit, we have loved you every single day.  If we could, we would rewind and make alot of different decisions.  The greatest of those being never letting you go.  I am so sorry that this is your reality now and that we are the ones responsible for it.  We are going to do everything in our limited power to make this adoption story turn out the very best it can.  We want only the best for you.

I hope that we are so available to you that you never wonder about our love and commitment to you.  I hope that you are allowed time with our family so you can know first hand all of your family and how much we all love you.  If there is any way to make this adoption story happy for you, we will do whatever it takes.

We love you dear Brit.  More than can ever be put to words.

Love,

Your first mother

P.S.  On a single happy note, I got more Christmas gifts for you last night.  Your (birth)father and I have already been shopping for you for several weeks (he actually bought your first present without me around!).  We finally figured out what gift to get you this past weekend and last night I found exactly what we were looking for.  When I bought it, I immediately went over to his house and had to show it off.  We can't wait for you to get it.  Maybe we will even get to see you open it, maybe...

My interview

I thought I would ad a link back to the post of the interview I did with Sheeps Eating Me.  I know I mentioned it before, but it was just great being paired with someone who totally embraces open adoption.

Getting to know this momma made me smile.

My interview with Sheeps Eating Me