Friday, March 1, 2013

She couldn't have said it better

This morning I was refreshed and encouraged to read an amazing blog post from an mom who has created a family through adoption.  This adoptive mother has amazing insight and maturity about what it takes to be an adoptive parent.  But more than anything, her philosophies go back to what it takes to be a good human being.  Respect and love for others.  Putting others needs above your own, particularly in the case of a child.

Here is the full blog post What makes a real family

I pulled out some of my favorite paragraphs from this blog post...

"we wanted an open ongoing relationship with our child’s birth family … not just for us, but for our child and what it would mean to them."

I love how they are specifically choosing a path that puts their daughters' needs first.

"Over the years I have met both in person and through cyberspace, many women who have made the loving decision to place a child born to them to be raised by another. 
But for these women the promises spoken or unspoken have been broken. The families that they met and chose to parent their child have walked away or at least closed the door just enough not allowing a relationship between the child and birth parents to grow and blossom.
 It is so sad to watch from a distance to see the affect this has on these individuals. And to think what will become of these children kept from their birth family not by their choosing. When they are older will the have to secretly seek out their birth family?"

That is just what my heart desires, the ability to have a relationship with our daughter that has the opportunity to grow and blossom as she grows and blossoms.

"We met many young people and adults who had been adopted in a system that did not allow an ongoing relationship after the child/baby’s placement. Those in charge thought it best for the birth mother/family and the child to not know each other for a variety of reasons. 
What did we hear from these people? How much a piece of them was missing … they loved the families they were raised in but somehow couldn’t find their whole selves … some were able to try and reach out to birth family with the help of their parents and some had to do it in secret because they knew their parents were afraid of what would happen when a reunion happened that choices might be made to love birth family more than the family they knew."

I hope our daughter never has to feel the conflict of wanting to be able to love her birth family,but feeling like she is betraying her adoptive family.  However, I am afraid that if we, the birth family, is specifically kept at a distance, the inference is that we are people that are not OK to love.  We are a threat to their family.  Which is absolutely not what we would ever plan to do.  We too want our daughter to feel whole and able to love anyone and everyone that she wants.

In families, we don't wait to let our children decide if they want to meet their grandparents or aunts and uncles.  We introduce them to their family members all along.  We encourage them to develop a relationship with those people, because they are family.  Then as adults, our children can decide how much contact they wish to continue to have with their extended families.  But we did our job as parents exposing them to their family who loves them.  It would seem ridiculous if I said to my sisters "We have decided to wait until our kids are old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they want to know you."  It would just seem illogical.  So I am so taken back when I hear adoptive parents who say that to birth families.

"And so it is with a heavy heart that I read or hear how an adoptive couple close the door just enough not to allow an in-person relationship between the child and their birth family. I have seen and heard the fear of adoptive and hopeful adoptive couples at conferences or in chance meetings. I don’t understand their fear … how can you turn your back on the family that chose you to be the parents of their child? How can you close the door to your child and not allow them to know all of their family?"

Like the author, I just cannot understand this.  We were good enough to be your friends prior to relinquishment, but now that we have entrusted our child with you, we are no longer the kind of people you want our daughter to know?...

"As we are learning as our children grow from babies, they begin to understand more and more of their story when you talk about it (and hopefully you are sharing with them their story of their life). There will be questions of why this or why that? 
You will see the strong physical resemblance of your child to their birth family … relish in it! 
 Our daughters now 6 and 4 years old brighten and smile when you share with each of them some action they’ve done or said that resembles their birth mother or father. Don’t steal this from your child it will help make them whole!"


J said...

I hope Brit never does feel like she needs to take sides.

Any news of a visit this year?

Anonymous said...

With ALL MY HEART I hope this is read by Britt's parents, friends, family and finds a place in their hearts.

I'm still hoping.

Anonymous said...

I am very honored that you posted my blog piece, it was for you and others that my heart is heavy and this had to be written.

{{Hugs}} my friend!

Anonymous said...

Oh no! Have they decided to close the adoption?!

birthmothertalks said...

Great post! I remember feeling some of the same feelings of rejection by the adoptive parents and its sad that it still happens today.

Deanna Shrodes said... you.


Fluffy said...

The awful thing is, if they don't open their hearts, every gesture on your part will be interpreted as a threat. It's such a sad place for everyone to be in, including Brit.