Monday, March 4, 2013

Some changes to the blog

After much consideration, there will be changes to my blog.

This blog will remain, as will the majority of its history, with the exception of posts that are extremely personal to my adoption situation.

I will go through the blog throughout this week and start cleaning that up.

With that said, I will continue to blog my intimate and personal feelings elsewhere.

This blog will serve as a more public place for me to talk about adoption as a whole, and even my perspective on adoption as a birthmother.

I would love to allow you, my friends, to follow my new personal blog.  It is a 'by invitation only" blog and I will be vetting persons interested in joining.  If you are not an IRL friend, then I just ask you add either your blog or facebook page info when you ask to be invited to the blog, because I am specifically trying to avoid allowing those who are offended by my intimate feelings from reading about them.

The truth is, my feelings, and the feeling of my family will not go away.  They will also not be silenced.  They will however be silenced to those who cannot handle it.

So if you want to know the painful truth of what hurts our hearts, please follow along.

The truth of adoption needs to be told, even if it hurts.

You have all been so good to me so I hope you move over with me to the new place.

Send me an email at lisaanne119@gmail.com if you want an invite to the new blog.

Now for the work of cleaning all of this up.

18 comments:

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I wish I could have a conversation with Brit's parents, adoptive parent to adoptive parents. I would love to uncover what their fear is, if there is an insecurity below the surface of their awareness about not being the Only in Brit's life.

I would tell them that regardless of whether or not they have contact with you, you are there! -- in Brit. In this sense you cannot be denied. Your connection to Brit can be pushed away temporarily (thus giving it more power) and make a future connection with their daughter much scarier than it needs to be. NOW is the time to defuse.

Counterintuitively, the consequence that awaits on the path they are on (denying you) is the one thing they want the least for it will inevitably create distance between themselves and their daughter. It can be difficult to imagine a little girl as a tween or a teenager or a young adult, but eventually Brit will ask questions, she will probe, she may even find your notes to her and attempts to connect. She may consider reuniting with you (this time with more emotional charge, and her parents will have to answer to her why there was such a gap for so long.

Is it too late for mediation? I do hear that they are feeling a trust gap, as are you. Might it be possible to build on your common love for Brit to bridge the breach, with professional guidance? For her sake?

I wish you all well. Truly.

Allison said...

I started following your blog when we were in the midst of becoming adoptive parents ourselves. I'd love to keep following the new one too. I really hope the best for you and I've learned a lot just from your experience.

Christina B said...

I've been following your blog for a bit now. My husband and I are waiting for our adoption miracle and when I started my blog I wanted to connect with adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth mothers. We want an open adoption with our birth mother and want to open ourselves to experiencing all realms of this journey. I would love to continue following your story. My hope is that I will read your blog in the (near) future and see that you are reunited with your daughter!

KC said...

I would love to keep following. My e-mail address is kcmarie122 at gmail dot com.

My adoption/family blog is now private too (we emailed back and forth once a few months back when I had a question about my daughter's birthmom) but I recently started a photography blog that is public.

http://kcmarie365 dot blogspot dot com/

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

Dana Seilhan said...

Why in the world do people go into adoption with either approach--either thinking they'll close it after they get the baby, or thinking it'd be nice if the mother and child are reunited? What's the point? Why disrupt the family at all? There are so many kids waiting for homes in foster care because their parents' rights are terminated. I know it's not a cute little baby who can forget they ever had another family, but wasn't this supposed to be about the needs of the child?

It makes me nuts. Clearly adopters know something wrong is going on here; they make that evident in how they respond to the situation THEY created. Yes, THEY created it. It is THEIR demand for infants that causes these sad situations to happen over and over again. If that market weren't there, someone would have counseled you and explained that your Brit would have two parents even if they weren't necessarily going to live together. They would have explained that even if you'd married your boyfriend and Brit had been born into that circumstance, couples split up and people die. But because someone could profit from your surrendering your baby, no one bothered explaining those things to you.

It is so sad. I live for the day when no one has to tell stories like these anymore. It is all so tragic and unnecessary. Adoption is only a miracle when it creates a home for a child who does not already have one. That was not your Brit's situation at all.

LisaAnne said...

That is true Dana. Hindsight is 20/20. What I thought was the loving choice to give Brit more than what I could offer at the time, was in fact just a tragic decision made out of a feeling of being overwhelmed.

I am sorry every day that I chose this for her. But since it is done, I now have to find a way to mitigate the loss for her.

However, I cannot do it alone. We are now two families forever connected. And until we can treat each other as family, our daughter will not have fullness.

M. said...

Much love to you, Lisa. I truly hope that some day this will all get better. You and BF and the boys and Britt deserve so much better. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us so honestly for this long.

Anonymous said...

You stated: I am sorry every day that I chose this for her. But since it is done, I now have to find a way to mitigate the loss for her.

I just have to disagree with that. I realize you regret giving her away, but parenting her or making her whole or whatever your plan is, is no longer your job. Let the parents you chose for her raise her. If/when she decides to look you up some day, then you can deal with her feelings of loss, or sadness, or even feelings of anger. In the meantime, why rub it in her face that she was given away? Is it not in her best interest to just let her grow up and leave the difficult issues surrounding adoption to be dealt with when she is grown and able to actually deal with them? Right now she's just a little girl, enjoying her siblings and parents and extended family. Why throw a wrench into the works? If it is just to ease your conscience, then step back and do what's right for her and let it go for now.

I don't mean to sound harsh or unfeeling, I truly am sorry for your loss, but it seems that your daughter's best interests would be served for you to let it go for now.

LisaAnne said...

Ah yes, Anonymous. You simply don't get it. I knew this was coming as I watched the IP addresses of visitors to this blog.

Thankfully there are lots of adoptvie parents who do understand.

And I will not let it go. Brit deserves to know us, to have fullness and to be allowed to know ALL of the people who love her.

I'm glad you take time to read this blog. Maybe someday your heart will show compassion, not nescessarily for me, but for the child we all share.

Best wishes. I pray for you daily.

Anonymous said...

Lisa, I am the anonymous poster from earlier today. Sorry, but I don't know this child or you. I am adopted myself, that's my interest. I do live in Wichita, but again, I don't know you or your daughter. I agree that she deserves to know at some point, I think we just disagree that she needs it at such a young age.

LisaAnne said...

Anonymous,

While I think that is an interesting post script, I do not believe it.

And whether you know me or them at all, which I believe to be true, I still think that there is no reason for secrecy in this adoption relationship.

This child is loved by so many people. People who wish to share that love with her.

How can too many people ever love a child?

Open adoption can be an amazing gift given to a child. Especially when all of the parties are willing to put the child's needs first.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, I believe you just called me a liar. I don't know you, don't know your child, don't know her parents, nothing. But I would suspect the adoptive parents are doing what they think is best for her, regardless if it's best for you. I'll back off now. This is your story, and you don't seem open to anyone's thoughts unless they align with yours. That's fine, it is your story after all. Mine as an adopted child was far different, but since it does not line up with your views, I won't bother sharing it. I hope you find peace one day, I know you ache for what has happened.

wsbirthmom said...

If you don't like the story, walk away. You can pretend that it 'doesn't exist'. Go blog on your own blog about how wonderful adoption is. There are plenty of people to support you. This is not your place anonymous, and, it's not your story, you said so yourself.
You obviously don't agree with open adoption, which quite frankly is something that was created by the industry to keep women handing over their children. Lisa NEVER intended on a closed adoption - why would she allow someone to get to know her by attending all Dr. visits, ultrasounds and then socialize with the couple if she didn't intend for a 'relationship'. See, actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words.
Lisa's actions told the story. She was building a relationship. However, once her child was out of her grasp, their actions showed the TRUE INTENTIONS. They just weren't up front enough or have the GUTS to TELL Lisa and BF that they NEVER INTENDED for a relationship. But they sure took advantage of being able to attend all the joys of being there and pretending to like Lisa and BF, when in all reality they just wanted their child.

I've said it before on this blog, and I'll say it again. From the moment I heard Lisa's story, I was (and STILL AM) convinced that they (the APs) 'fast-tracked' both Lisa and BF.

Let's be real here. This is not in Brit's best interest. This is in THEIR best interest. They can live 'happily' and without ever having to answer the question of 'why can't I go and visit Lisa, BF and my brothers?', or having to deal with a breakdown after being forced to leave them from a visit. That is what this is all about. Plain and simple.

There will be no peace, until Brit returns to their lives, however the 'hole' of missing the years, will never be filled - for Brit or for her natural parents. Just ask any mother of adoption loss in reunion.

(((HUGS))) Lisa.

Crystal said...

I just want to say that I am sorry. For one, I am so glad that I came across your blog before I went through a similar situation. You put me in contact with a great woman, Renee. For that, I will always be quietly thankful for you and what you did to save me and my children. I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. APs make me sick, in all aspects. She will grow up one day and realize what all has happened. I will be praying for you! HUGS!!

RELH said...

*HUGS*

Anonymous said...

LisaAnne,

Your anonymous poster may not be who you think she is. There is an adoptive parent who has frequented birthparent blogs for years and the comments are always about parenting and how the birthmom has given up that role. She appears particularly threatened by adoptive parents who embrace open adoption fully. As the comment threads go on, she eventually leans on the signing of relinquishment papers regardless of pre-adoption promises or unethical counseling. She poses to be an adoptee sometimes. She uses various proxy IPs from various cities. Just a heads up.

Lisa J. said...

Hi, Lisa! I sent a request to your email which includedy FB ID. I am sad for whatever has happened to drive you to blog privately. :( I hope you will add me; I have lurked for a long time and like reading your perspective.

-another Lisa

Emily Heizer Photography said...

Is that why this whole story doesn't make sense? Lots of posts were deleted? That would make sense!!! Right now it makes almost no sense!

The comment above though says you were supposed to have an opn eadoption and now you have a closed one, but you have visits and cheerful monthly updates, which seems like a lot to me, that's certainly not closed.

It just seems so incredibly awkward since you all live so close. You can't co-parent, and how do you curb those parental feelings without lots of boundaries in place? You need boundaries, THEY need boundaries, Brit needs boundaries.

Ugh.