Just seeing her brought a flood of emotions so strong that it took my breath away. My heart started pounding and I knew I was about to pass out.
Thankfully I made it to the couch and sat with my head nearly touching the floor between my knees. I just blacked out for a minute, but the heart pounding lasted for a while.
D handled it very well. He knows. He watched the tears fall like a river and he was very compassionate.
Then I had another episode in the middle of the night last night. It was just as bad as the daytime one (couldn't breathe, heart pounding) but fortunately I was already laying down. I cannot believe it woke me from a complete sleep. Apparently the grief goes to my core.
Interestingly enough, I checked into blog world this morning and read this post by another birthmother.
It seems this feeling is universal.
I can only imagine what work will be like today. I suppose I will just make sure I am near a chair, and a box of tissues.
I will be calling my doctor. It appears it will be back on the anti-anxiety meds again. Just great.
I love that my doctor and my OB both cry with me when we talk about this adoption situation. They are amazingly compassionate and so very understanding.
So for now, I will self medicate with Diet Coke. (Yes, I know caffeine is not a friend of anxiety, but this girl has a vice that is hard to kick, the the soothing bubbles do calm my psyche.)
8 comments:
I am so, so sorry. :-((( I am praying specifically that God will bring someone else into their life to show them the beauty of having a more open relationship with you. I am also praying for inexplicable peace for you and BF.
Couldn't have said it better than Vertical Mom. Praying!!! *hugs*
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I swear they read this book, and were very careful about what they said prior to Brit being born. This book resulted in a natural mother's suicide.
http://books.google.com/books?id=nR_th5KT6DIC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
Dear friend get your meds, get to a counselor and you have my number. Call anytime, day or night. I will be on the other end no matter what.
As I sat on the sofa in tears last night (last night was more of the 'tide coming in' rather than the waves, as the grief just came upon me and stayed for a while), I wondered......how many more tears will natural mother's have to cry before they get any justice? Before they have any rights in adoption. Haven't we learned, that people are evil. People are selfish. People will do whatever it takes to get what they want, no matter what. Not all, just some. But how many more tears and stories is it going to take before anyone starts to pay attention that what is going on is so wrong.
I'm so sorry. When I lost my daughter to adoption, the grief manifested in a near-psychosis; I was paranoid about the world ending, her father trying to kill me, and a variety of other things. It was crippling, and my only islands of sanity were my college classes. Having NO understanding doctors, I self-medicated with alcohol. The worst of that insanity passed in about three months, but not the unending sadness and loss. Even nine years following a successful reunion, I feel that pain. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
This post should be required reading for anyone being told that life goes on after adoption loss. I wish it was possible for others to actually "feel" how losing a child to adoption feels. Never again would a mother "chose" adoption unless absolutely necessary.
L, last night I was tel,UMG to J about how he's my baby. I kept saying A and I over and over like 10000 times and all the sudden I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying. This is a nightmare to live. I'm so sorry
Tears in my eyes for all your pain. So so sorry.
Virtual hugs,
Jennifer
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