I did visit the doctor and got medication for the anxiety attacks. Yesterday I had a string of them (3 before noon). But as the day progressed, I did better, and didn't have another one at all. Today I have been anxiety attack free, which is a thing of beauty.
I hope that as the medication increases in my system I will be able to better regulate how my body is processing the chronic stress and anxiety I feel every day.
I am so glad I have an amazing network of friends. The understanding and concern is overwhelming. Thank you to all of you who are praying for me and all who are involved in our adoption situation. I would like to ask that you continue to pray. Because we all know that prayer can change everything.
So because I need to focus on the things that I can influence and (somewhat) control, I am working on trying to spend less time thinking about what we don't have now, and focus on what I can do to be ready for a relationship in the future.
If Brit is not going to have a place in our lives for a while, then I will make sure we document what we are doing and how we think about her every single day, so that in the future she can know that we always wanted to know her and spend time with her. Even from the beginning.
Today I had lunch with a friend of mine who has been such a great support to me over the past couple of years. If you knew both of us, you would wonder how in the world we got to be friends at all. He is 20 years my senior, a sports writer for a local newspaper, and on occasion he has been accused of being a bit gruff. I know nothing of sports (except that I sit in the bleachers watching my kiddos), I am young enough to be his daughter and I have never met a stranger.
A strange couple we are.
As we parted from our lunch date, he kindly reminded me that at some point I have to figure out how to tolerate how things are now, because I simply cannot change the situation. (For the record, he is about the 500th person to tell me this.) I know he is worried about the anxiety issues I am having, and like every good man, if he could fix it, he would.
Normally that kind of advice falls on deaf ears for me, because I am not OK with it. But today, his fatherly words came on the heels of a quote I read this morning and when I relayed the quote to him as we stood in the parking lot, he looked at me and said "That is exactly right."