Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Working through it

Been working through the emotional fallout from last couple of weeks.

I did visit the doctor and got medication for the anxiety attacks.  Yesterday I had a string of them (3 before noon).  But as the day progressed, I did better, and didn't have another one at all.  Today I have been anxiety attack free, which is a thing of beauty.

I hope that as the medication increases in my system I will be able to better regulate how my body is processing the chronic stress and anxiety I feel every day.

I am so glad I have an amazing network of friends.  The understanding and concern is overwhelming.  Thank you to all of you who are praying for me and all who are involved in our adoption situation.  I would like to ask that you continue to pray.  Because we all know that prayer can change everything.

So because I need to focus on the things that I can influence and (somewhat) control, I am working on trying to spend less time thinking about what we don't have now, and focus on what I can do to be ready for a relationship in the future.

If Brit is not going to have a place in our lives for a while, then I will make sure we document what we are doing and how we think about her every single day, so that in the future she can know that we always wanted to know her and spend time with her.  Even from the beginning.

Today I had lunch with a friend of mine who has been such a great support to me over the past couple of years.  If you knew both of us, you would wonder how in the world we got to be friends at all.  He is 20 years my senior, a sports writer for a local newspaper, and on occasion he has been accused of being a bit gruff.  I know nothing of sports (except that I sit in the bleachers watching my kiddos), I am young enough to be his daughter and I have never met a stranger.

A strange couple we are.

As we parted from our lunch date, he kindly reminded me that at some point I have to figure out how to tolerate how things are now, because I simply cannot change the situation. (For the record, he is about the 500th person to tell me this.)  I know he is worried about the anxiety issues I am having, and like every good man, if he could fix it, he would.

Normally that kind of advice falls on deaf ears for me, because I am not OK with it.  But today, his fatherly words came on the heels of a quote I read this morning and when I relayed the quote to him as we stood in the parking lot, he looked at me and said "That is exactly right."

So I leave you with these words which I am repeating to myself today.  They have spoken to my heart.


J said...

Oh Lisa. This sucks. I wish Brit's adoptive parents would just do some research :(

Would they be open to sending monthly videos? They're not interactive which may appeal to them but you would get to hear her sweet voice and see some of her mannerisms. Holding you guys in my heart.

Janine said...

As someone who struggles with anxiety and panic attacks as well I am so pleased you are getting some help. I will continue to lift you in prayer.

Vertical Mom said...

Great quote, Lisa! I'm so glad you're taking control of your anxiety. I will continue to pray for God's hand to be seen in all of this.

Susie said...

Sending you prayers and understanding. I hope and pray that your story changes into one that includes a true open adoption...

BumbersBumblings said...

Hi Lisa! Wanted you to know that I spent some time praying for you in the middle of the night last night. I took nyquill and couldn't sleep, so ended up praying for friends and loved ones most of the night. Love you!

LisaAnne said...

Thank you all! I have had 3 really good days and I am sure that the blanket of prayer (and maybe a little medicine) are to thank.

I too am praying for something to change for the better.

As sweet Rebekah told me the other day, she prays for God's best. So that is exactly what my prayers have been. That God's best will happen in our relationship.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand what you are going through with the panic attacks. I developed social anxiety after the adoptions of my sons. And I just recently found out that is what caused it. I lived with it for 14 years before figuring it out. I will keep you in my prayers.

MommySquared said...

so sorry Lisa that you are going through this in every way ... Your friends words are true ... but it is hard to do ... {{{hugs}} my friend to you and to your family