Monday, December 19, 2011

Thank you my adoptive mom friends

I really did think I was better.  My thoughts were clearing and I had hope for my future relationship with my daughter's parents.

Then it hit again.  I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.

It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship.  You can only be the recipient of good will. 

So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you.  Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train.  Either way, you must grin and bear it.  Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.


I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak.  And one thing surfaced immediately.  There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption.  They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.

And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."

They give me virtual hugs and encouragement.  And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.

So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents.  I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.

To my dear adoptive mother friends,

First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.

Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child.  But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.

Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.

Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.

Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand.  Thank you for forgiving us anyway.  Often many times over.

Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.

Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough.  And scary.  And not easy.

Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later.  Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.

Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.

And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be. 

With heartfelt love,

An appreciative birthmom

Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life.  You are all such amazing women and mothers.  THANK YOU!





Amber said...

This is such a heartfelt post. I love it. But I feel like WE (adoptive mothers) should be thanking YOU. I feel like the biggest dream of my whole life came true thanks to someone else, yet you are that 'someone else' to Brit's parents and they don't understand what they have. I have no business being thanked for loving my baby; but that's one of the miracles about open adoption when it works - everyone puts themselves second... or last. And it's totally worth it.

Sending hugs and lots of love to you. If I lived near you, I'd want my son to know you, too, so that he'd have an even better understanding of what a birthparent is.

OnLoanFromHeaven said...

Oh Lisa :-(

(Why do so many of my words to you start with that? I'm praying that one day that changes!)

I am honored to know you. You remind me everyday that my baby girl has another Mama and that she needs... no, deserves to know her baby because she's the only other woman in the world who loves her like I do. They are my most precious gift... Hannah AND her birthmom.

I don't know if Brit's parents read your blog; I guess it truly doesn't matter but I have tried so so many times to see things their way. Is it fear that keeps them so distant? Is it jealousy over the biological connection you have with their daughter? Is it fear that one day she will love you?

I know it has to be fear...

I want so badly to have a chance to reach out to them. I wonder; Do they know another adoptive parent that they can relate to or to ask questions? Would it help?

If they're reading; I'm here. I would love nothing more than to chat and to find out what fears they have and if I can help.

Lisa, I do know one thing; they love that baby girl; she's their world. I know that no one doubts that but sometimes it's a good reminder... and a tough one, I know. I, like you, don't understand their fear but want so badly to share with them how with-holding Brit's history from her is unfair and disrespectful to their child and to you; her First Mama. Really, in the end it's disrespectful to themselves because one day it will come back and won't feel so good.

I have 2 younger brothers who are adopted; they're 18 and 23 now and I can't wait to share their stories soon... they've given me and Joey a view of adoption that we could only have wished to have one day (before Hannah is older). They have taught me so much recently about what it truly means to cherish your child's past and how well that serves them in te future; my parents were so so good at doing that for them.

I love you, girl. Please know that this isn't ok... I'm praying that clarity is on it's way and that, as slowly as it might be, change starts to take place. If nothing else, I'm praying for peace for your broken heart...

especially this Christmas :-(


MommySquared said...

You my friend helped me as well today without even realizing ...

Thank you! I am glad I can be there for you, just wish I could shake them for you into realization of what they are missing in having you as their family!

Rebekah said...

Lisa, You have such a beautiful heart. Your letter is so thoughtful; I took every word in. I wish your experience could be different - fuller...all encompassing.

I'm sorry that so many adoptive families get wrapped up in selfish insecurities.

You are a wonder woman!

When I navigated through difficult times in the past several years I often would hear the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's "This is our God". He gives crowns to the faithful, Lisa...

Stay true and faithful. If not here, your reward will be in heaven.

Love you, girl!

Anonymous said...

You my dear dear friend, are such a better person than I. You saved my relationship, and yet you are still open to this 'open adoption' that has brought such pain into our lives. I am so sorry for what you are going through, and wish Brit's APs could have a splinter of empathy for you. Their hearts are so so cold, thinking they need to protect their 'unit' from you....of all people. They have no clue who they are missing out on. What a shame. Hugs my dear friend. Just HUGS. :*(

Bumber's Bumblings said...

((hugs)) for you today, Lisa! You are such a beautiful loving person and I'm just so sorry that they are threatened by you and this love you have for Brit.

I shared you story with B's birth mom and we both are praying for both of you. We both cried when I shared it with her.

It's just so hard being part of a beautiful open adoption. You want that for everyone.

Prayers for you this christmas season.

Anonymous said...

Jesus loves you, Lisa.