I really did think I was better. My thoughts were clearing and I had hope for my future relationship with my daughter's parents.
Then it hit again. I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.
It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship. You can only be the recipient of good will.
So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you. Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train. Either way, you must grin and bear it. Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.
I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak. And one thing surfaced immediately. There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption. They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.
And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."
They give me virtual hugs and encouragement. And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.
So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents. I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.
To my dear adoptive mother friends,
First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.
Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child. But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.
Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.
Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.
Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand. Thank you for forgiving us anyway. Often many times over.
Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.
Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough. And scary. And not easy.
Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later. Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.
Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.
Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.
And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be.
With heartfelt love,
An appreciative birthmom
Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. You are all such amazing women and mothers. THANK YOU!