Prom Pictures

I forgot to post these last week.  My first child at his last prom.  I will be the mother of a high school graduate in just a couple of weeks.  WOW!

The bottles

The Princess - all smiles

I unloaded the dishwasher last night and saw that I had two bottles in there.  It immediately put a smile on my face.  Only two more days until another weekend with the Princess baby.



Baby B eating his first birthday cake

And I get a super added bonus, I get to keep my nephew B overnight Friday night while his parents celebrate their anniversary.  It will be his first time away from them all night.  I feel so lucky.  I love that baby boy so much.  I seriously can hardly wait.



Such a happy little guy!

I sure love feeling joy like this.  Thank you God for bringing me two beautiful distractions that let me share my love with them.





Baby love and hindsight

So I have spent the weekend loving a 4 month old little girl.  **smiling**

The good news is her momma has asked if I will do the same every weekend.  I agreed unless I have something that would prohibit me from taking the Princess along with me.  Looking ahead I don't see anything that would fit that bill.  Hooray!

I know my last post was a bit apprehensive about how I would feel caring for a little girl.  It turned out exactly how I hoped.  Instead of pain, it was therapeutic.

She is the best baby.  Happy most all of the time.  Just a joy to have around for all of us.

And for all of you adoptive parents who read this, you'll love this one...

BF and I had a date night planned for Saturday night prior to me committing to watching the Princess.  We decided to go ahead and bring her along with us since we were just going out to dinner.  We knew that our dinner would be a little late because we were going to meet up with my 18 year old son to take pictures before he headed off to his senior prom.

We took the obligatory pictures (I will post them tomorrow.).  The teenagers were quickly fed up with all of us parents snapping hundreds of photos.  I believe it is our parental right. And my son knew he had to bear it, because I would insist. :)

After pictures, BF and I had trouble finding a restaurant that wasn't packed with prom dates.  We were finally able to get in at Outback.  I'm sure we were quite the sight, two almost 40 year olds acting like we had never carried a baby in a carrier before in our lives.  Let's just say we were a bit rusty.  It has been a day or two since our kids were that little (more like a DECADE).

People would come by as we sat in the waiting area and ooh and ahh over the baby as she slept.  We didn't say anything about her not being ours.  We just agreed that she is beautiful. (Photo to prove it. Don't mind the bow that slipped down her forehead, I didn't want to wake her by fixing it while she slept.  I did fix it later.) 

So we finally get seated and our over-exuberant waitress comes by.  She looks at the baby and says "How precious! Is she your first?  She sure looks just like you!"

I giggled, looked at BF then replied. "Actually she would be our 6th child, if she was ours.  But we are just babysitting."

I thought that was pretty funny.  Princess looks nothing like us. Not even remotely.  I still smile when I think about it.  Maybe that is just a waitress line to get better tips.  Whatever it was, it did make us laugh.

So we enjoyed our dinner and we were thoroughly entertained by the Princess.  It was very nice to have her along with us.  We took turns talking and playing with her.  We were just like first time parents.  I am sure we were pretty darn cute.

But that is one of the happy/sad things that I felt this weekend. 

BF absolutely doted on that little girl.  He held her, fed her, and let her sleep in the crook of his arm.  He tickled her face when she was awake and offered many times to take her from me so I could get ready, or eat, or whatever other thing I had to do next.

That was really hard to watch.  Knowing that he and I had a little girl together that we could have been doing all of those same things with.  If he were a deadbeat, this never would have been an issue.  But he is a terrific father. 

Watching him with Princess hurt my heart.  I loved watching him gush over her and be so attentive.  But that little voice in the back of my mind that makes me second guess my adoption decision kept saying "see what it COULD have been like".

It also hurt to remember that BF absolutely, without a doubt, did not want to parent another child when I told him I was pregnant.  In his mind, there was no viable scenario that included keeping our child. 

He didn't want me to parent a child alone, but he also had no intentions of committing to me.  He was done with kids.  No negotiation.  He didn't want the responsibility of another child. 

He also didn't want me to keep her because he felt like he would be obligated for a child he didn't plan for. 

Now in my rational mind, I know that alot of the things said during this time were during a period of shock for both of us.  Neither of us had any idea that we were capable of having more children, so an unexpected pregnancy was unbelievable.  Stress and shock do not create the most thoughtful comments or actions.

But that same man, who couldn't even fathom parenting another child, loved all over Princess.  I felt a deep sense of loss watching it.  It was almost like seeing in a crystal ball what "could have been" had I made a different choice.

Hindsight. Regret. And unrealistic expectations of the "what could have beens."

Truth be told, had I kept Brit, it probably would not have ended well for BF and me.  The stress of parenting a child from two separate households would have taken a toll on our relationship.

I probably would have been resentful, thinking it wasn't fair that BF wasn't helping enough. 

He would have been resentful that I made him parent a child that he did not plan for and that he had no control over whether I kept or not.  (The age old issue of a woman having all the 'rights' to maintain a pregnancy or keep a child.  No matter what the father wants.)

I am smart enough to know that keeping a baby for a weekend is nothing like parenting day in and day out.  When Princess went home with her momma this evening, I knew I had the rest of the night to myself.  My boys are big enough that I can have alone time without having to be a hands on parent.  I can even go potty alone!

If I would have parented Brit, I would have been exhausted all the time.  My temper short.  My stress level even higher than it is today.  Brit would have definitely not gotten the best of me.  She would have gotten what was left over from a working single mother.  She would have spent lots of nights out late at ball games.  Many hours in daycare.

Instead, Brit has a stay at home mom (Not that I think working moms can't be great moms.  I'm one and happy with it most days.)  She has never spent a single day in daycare.  Her daddy comes home every evening and loves all over her.  The world revolves around her (until her twin brother and sister are born!).  If you could paint an ideal babyhood, she has had it. (Knowing that she has no idea she is adopted yet.)

I am glad I didn't know how painful being a birthmother would be before I chose adoption for Brit.  If I had, I would not have made the decision I did.  That doesn't mean that the decision was wrong.  I think it is just human nature to make the choice that hurts the least.  And being exhausted some days would beat a lifetime of grief any day.

So I remind myself that those icky feelings of regret are no different than ones everyone has when we second guess ourselves and our decisions. 

Should I have married the man I did? 
What if I would have taken that other job instead?
Did we make a mistake moving? 

We all have these kinds of questions.  The difference is how we deal with them.

If I let it, it could consume me.  And boy, oh boy, do those feelings try to consume me.

I have to consciously decide that I cannot change the decisions I have made.  I am the sum of my experiences.  We all make decisions based on the best information we have available at the time.  Hindsight is always much more clear.  But looking back keeps me from looking forward.

Brit is happy.  I did what I thought was best at the time when I had to decide.

I never could get the picture when she was smiling.  Go figure!

So I will love on the little Princess I have with me on the weekends and I will be a blessing to her mother by caring for her child while she works.  Hopefully I can alleviate some of Sara's stress by caring for her daughter.  I will do my part to be part of the village that it can take to raise a child.  In return, loving Princess will soothe my soul.

I will not be jealous of Sara because she has her daughter and I do not.  I will rejoice that Sara has her daughter with her so she does not have to feel the loss of a birthmother. 

I will rejoice in watching BF love on her too. 

I will focus on what IS, not what I think I could have had.

I will know that I made a decision for the best for my child.  I will not regret choosing what I thought was best for her, not what was best for me.

I will remember that just because I don't have the relationship I wish I had with Brit right now, it may not be like that forever.  Time heals. My love for Brit will not wane.  I will be steadfast and always available for her.

I will love on the sweet Princess who God has placed in my life for reasons I may not ever fully understand.  There is a reason our lives have intertwined.

I will be fully present to the boys I do parent. I will not allow my grief to affect their joy.  I will be the parent to them that they deserve.

And I will seek God's will for my life, rather than trying to figure it out on my own.

Coincidence - I think not

Brit was born in March.  In June, my sister got married in Chicago.  I was a bridesmaid so I had to go.  Whether I felt like it or not.  Because my family was not particularly supportive of my adoption decision, I knew I would have to keep my game face on the whole time.  The face that said how happy I was for Brit's parents.  How glad I was that she was placed with a loving couple and how I was perfectly OK with all of it.

Needless to say, I wasn't.  I was still very damaged.  Brit wasn't even 3 months old yet.  My hormones were a mess.  I was traveling, by car, from Kansas to Chicago with my 5 children - all alone.  Oh yeah, and my daughter who was traveling with me was also pregnant.

The trip was hell.  The boys fought.  My daughter cried.  I cried.  I celebrated my "one year anniversary" of being with my BF all by myself in another state and he didn't even remember. I had invited him to go on the trip with me, nearly begging him to go, but he decided he had too many work obligations to go with me.  (Insert resentment and hurt.) 

One a singular positive note, I did get a marriage proposal from a random stranger at a McDonalds the day of my "anniversary".  Very fitting.  He was smokin' hot.  An actor and model.  We are still in touch. My kids thought I was a fool for not pursuing it any further. lol.

But back to the story.  I was an emotional disaster case.  I was very lonely.  My heart was broken.  And I had to keep it all together and be the grown up while traveling with 5 kids.  I would say that it was a recipe for disaster.

So on the day of the return trip home, I was driving and doing alot of thinking.  My phone rang and I answered when I saw it was my pastor's wife.

She wanted to tell me about a woman from our church who she had met with.  Like me, this woman was 30something and unexpectedly pregnant.

She had two teenage sons and an ex-husband who she still lived with who was trying to decide if he wanted to stay with his family, or move back to California where his girlfriend and his child lived. (The story is sordid, but he had a child with another woman while married to the woman who I am speaking about.)

My pastor's wife wondered if I would connect with this woman because she was considering abortion and then began considering adoption.  My pastor's wife thought I might be able to share some insight with her about adoption and if nothing else I could encourage her through this very tough time.

Me.  A complete disaster.  A sobbing mess.  A mother missing a child that I had placed just 3 months prior.

I told my pastor's wife that I would pray about it.  Of course, I knew it wasn't coincidence.  But I wasn't ready.  My heart was bleeding from the pain of my own loss.  How could God be doing this to me?!?

Needless to say, I called this woman after I got home from the trip.  We met and talked. And cried.  And cried.

She was in a terrible relationship with a man who did not value her.  He couldn't even decide if he wanted to be with her and their children, or head off to be with his girlfriend and his 2 year old son.

So my new friend, Sara (alias of course), was trying to figure out what to do.  They were/are very poor.  She was supporting her family by working at Applebee's as a waitress.  She could hardly support the children she had, let alone another baby.

I told her my story.  I shared all the reasons I had placed Brit.  It was very interesting to hear myself saying such positive things about adoption when I am pretty sure I was second guessing my own decision.

Sara and I established a friendship.  I went with her when we met with a prospective adoptive couple. I even went to lunch with all three of them after the meeting with the attorney.  Sara chose them to parent her child.

I shared my adoption story with this couple and I found a true gift in the insight that this adoptive mother could share with me.  Once again, I know it was no coincidence.  God knew what I needed right then.  And Heather was such a support to me.  She was the mother of an open adoption and she gave me hope when I had little.  Another story for another day.

I supported Sara as her pregnancy progressed.  She loved the adoptive parents.  They were so good to her.  They are great people and it was very apparent from how they treated Sara and her children during this time.

But Sara started to have second thoughts.  They found out the baby was a girl.  Her ex-husband started warming up to the idea of sticking around and having a daughter.  Sara was feeling the tug of motherhood again.

Sara chose to parent her daughter.  She contacted her attorney and the attorney told the adoptive couple. (My heart BROKE for them.)  But I understood completely why she would change her mind.  And I suppose it was better before the birth than at the hospital.

**Note - For those of you who have experienced disrupted adoptions, my heart hurts for you.  I know what it is like to long for the child I do not have a relationship with, so I can only imagine what it must feel like to love a child in your heart and not bring that child home with you.  I feel the same kind of pain.  I am so sorry each time I read your stories of loss.

Sara had the baby in December and you can see from this picture how it affected her.  She was in love.

Sara still struggles.  Their financial situation has not changed.  Her ex-husband did stay.  I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

I have not had much interaction with Sara in the last few months because I have been so busy and she has been too.

But Sara called this week and was desperate for someone to watch her precious baby girl when she worked this weekend.  Since I don't work weekends, I was glad to help her out.

I can't wait for some baby time.  I will have this little princess from 8am-10pm on Saturday (Sara has been asked to pull a double shift waitressing. Poor momma.) and 6am - 3pm on Sunday.

I will have to load her up in a car seat.  Take her with me to prom pictures with J and his date.  Out to dinner on Saturday night when I have a date with BF.  It will be just like I was parenting a baby girl.

Sara has even asked if I would consider doing this regularly when she works weekends.  Of course I said yes.

I look at her situation.  They struggle financially. The father is not exactly a model daddy.  She has no family support because she is from California.

Yet she chose to parent her child.  In spite of the less than perfect circumstances.

I have a good paying, career job.  A network of family support.  And while I would not describe my relationship with BF as perfect, it is certainly not toxic.  He is a good man and would have been nothing but a positive influence in Brit's life. (Although he absolutely did not want to have another child. Again, another story for another day.)

But I chose not to parent my child.  I chose different parents for her so she could have a married mommy and daddy.

I listen to Sara say "I just can't imagine not having this sweet little girl with me."

It hurts my heart.  She doesn't mean it to hurt me.  She is simply speaking from her own heart and acknowledging the love she has for her daughter.

Why do you suppose God has placed this woman and this child in my life?

I know I am being 'refined by fire' as the Bible verse says.

Sometimes I wonder how much pain, loss and regret I can endure.

But I suppose this story has a happy ending.  I get baby time with this sweet little girl.  I get to help a momma support her child who she chose life for.

Maybe God is providing this opportunity to me to help with the void that is empty in my heart.  It will not replace the place that was made for Brit (which I fully expect to start filling when we do have a relationship someday).  And it won't take away the loss I feel. But maybe it will soothe some of the pain knowing that I can provide love for this child, right here and right now, when I cannot do the same for the child I had.

I don't know why things have turned out like they have.

But I do know this.  God wants only the best for me.  And I do not believe any of these things have happened by coincidence.  What may be my pain, could be someone else's joy. 

So I will snuggle Princess this weekend.  And I will thank God for the fact that He provides for me, even when I don't know what is best for me.

Got an update today

I got an update with Easter pictures from Brit's family today.  She is so happy.  So loved.  And so stinkin cute!

Her dad writes the funniest email updates.  Nothing against updates from the mom, but the dad is a crack up.

I saw the pictures, read the email and didn't cry.

I am actually OK with it today.

Progress?  Maybe.

This is a slightly creepy picture of me, but you get the idea.

Or maybe today is just a good day. 

Whatever the reason, I will rejoice that I can look at pictures of sweet Brit and be happy, not sad.

The kids

Had all of the kiddos over for Easter.  It has been so long since Sissy (my oldest daughter) has been able to share a holiday with us.  She brought her son so I got a little gma time.  Yep.  I'm a grandma (in a kinda, sorta way - since she was my step daughter).

Gma Lisa and Waylon

Cute as a bunny!

Gma Lisa chillin' on the couch with grandson Waylon



J, Sissy, D, Corey and Lan

 I was so glad to have them all here.  Someday I will have ALL of them here.  I can't wait!


Happy first Easter baby Waylon!



The zoo

Getting ready for a very busy weekend.  But before I get started I wanted to share some pictures from the school trip to the zoo that I chaperoned yesterday for L's 6th grade class.

I blog about Brit, and my crazy youngest son D, but rarely my sweet son L.  So here are some pictures of my precious boy who still likes his momma even though he is quickly approaching his teenage years.